recovery help...please!!! im about ready to give up

hey guys i was wondering if anyone could help me with some questions. so i have been freaking out lately as my hair is starting to fall off a lot and is really thin. i'm so scared i'm going to be bald. do you guys know what i can do in order to stop this from continuing to happen? i read on line that biotin may help so i went to whole foods and got some. i am also taking a multi vitamin, fish oil, flaxeed oil, evening primose, and zinc tablets.

i am about 5' 2 and weigh anywhere from 88-91 pounds (it keeps fluctuating). also when it comes to getting your period back is it the amount of body fat that you have or your weight that determines it?

i just want to really be rid of this stupid ED voice. i hate it. i don't even know what i want to eat anymore as so many things go through my head telling me this and that is bad. i am also trying to gain some muscle back by doing workouts at the gym. one day lower, one day upper. so now i've been obsessing over getting sufficient protein in my diet. anyone have any meal plan ideas i might be able to follow? i really don't know what to eat anymore or what to do i am just so confused and feel so helpless and lost in this. i know i need to gain weight but i find it so scary for me to up my calories im so scared of how it will distribute and come back. its so much easier for me to just barey eat and lose weight than increase my calories.

i'm about to give up i hate thinking about food the whole day, etc. i want to be able to laugh at my friend's jokes. i just spent a week visiting an old friend of mine and she was like whats wrong with you you werent like this before. i barely found anything funny, i wasn't my usual self, i think i walked really slow and seemed to not be paying attention. i just want my life back and i want to stop obsessing over everything. :/

:(

You need to consume at least
3-5 servings of fruit,
3-8 servings of veggies,
3-6 servings of carbs,
3-5 servings of proteins,
3 servings of dairy 
3 servings of  good fats
every day.  

You do not say how old you are, but if you are under 19, please consume a least 1500 calories a day.

try deep breathing to get through your fears.  Seek therapy, because you seem to need lots of support right now. 

It is going to take some time for your body to heal.  It is not going to be easy.

It is Okay to tell the voices to go away.  I do it all the time.  If I do not like what my mind is telling me, I tell it to shut up.  Practice what you would like your inside voice to say.  Do this several times each day.  Just tell yourself that you want to be healthy and will consume 1500 calories a day of healthy foods to do so.  Tell yourself that if do this your hair will come back, that you will be strong enough to do everything that you would like to accomplish, that you will enjoy your life and your friends.

good luck

thanks for replying! and i am 19 years old. i'm just annoyed of thinking about food so much. and i have no idea how many calories i consumed today but i hate the whole calorie counting thing as well. i have been eating what my mom cooks as well so i really have no idea. :/

also, does anyone know what i can do about the hair loss?

Your hair will start to grow back when you get sufficient nutrients in. I've lost some of my hair, too - getting my hair cut on Saturday, I found my parting had widened to an inch and a half and you could see my scalp completely. It made me cry. :x These sort of effects on my body remind me how my ED and any voices with it aren't worth it at all. I know it's really difficult, but food will be your medicine.

I still get stumped with what to eat sometimes, too, and so aim for the servings plan that spoiled_candy posted over a day: protein/carb/fruit or veg and sometimes fats at main meals, and then making up for other servings with my snacks and mini meals for the rest of the day. I don't have a meal plan, as such, but I hope this helps you a little. D:

Your sadness will subside with the right nutrients as well. I've suffered from depression for years, but I was so painfully low during the worst of my ED I became completely indifferent, or violent and quick to anger. Again, what has curbed that was just starting to eat and eat right again. Periods... I believe both your weight AND your body fat are an important factor. Healthy fats are crucial too.

I know it's hard to believe, but you won't balloon when you start to eat again. :] I was persuaded for a long while I'd turn into a blimp if I ate more, but I've been recovering since June, at a high number for a week now and my weight has hardly moved - I have to increase again! :x Tops, you may experience some water retention for the first couple of days, but plenty of water will flush it out. I drink a glass of warm water with lemon in it in the morning with my breakfast and has found that really helps. Wakes me up better than coffee ever did, too!

Absolutely tell those voices to pipe down :D Your health and YOU are more important than what they have to say. I hope this is helpful!~ :]

All of these problems will improve upon regaining a healthy weight and diet. Once you feed your body your hair will grow back thick and shiny, your energy will increase, your moods will be more regulated and appropriate, your thoughts will be calmer.

I understand how "easy" it is to lose weight - the allure of a falling scale is really addictive.  But addictions and dependencies of any sort are unhealthy.

Protein is great, but frankly you need to gain weight before you work too hard on building muscle - it just isn't going to happen while you are this thin.  And protein is only one component of the critical macronutrients every human being needs to consume.  Eating healthy fats are a good way to increase your calories - eat nuts, sunflower or pumpkin seeds, whole milk/yogurt, salmon, olive oil. 

You don't have to up your calories suddenly, but I think you have to eat minimum 2000 in order to be in recovery.  I'm sure that this is a big scary number for you right now, but it is actually a healthy balanced diet on which you should be able to gain at a reasonable pace and then quite possibly maintain.

Please take care of yourself - we can give advice but only you can recover.

Catgirl

oh honey :( *hugs* I know exactly how you're feeling. I Was there not so long ago myself.

But the only way that voice will go is by eating. By facing your fear. Trust me, the voice will fight and fight, I'm not going to lie to you, but eventually, if you remind yourself that EATING is NATURAL, then the voice will soon wither away and give up.

I'm exhausted from fighting it now; I won't sugar coat it for you, recover is hard. But beautiful. It's worth it. Remember how good it was to feel energy, to feel able to laugh? You deserve it! The only way your hair will stay is if you eat a proper, balanced diet, rich in olive oil and omega 3 and protien.

2000 calories seems like a lot of food, like the ohers have said, but honestly, you have to try not to think about it. My mum would ask me what I'd want for dinner - ever wonder what that food tastes like?... try it! If your mum cooks, it's probably much healthier than buying something ready-made at the store anyway.

Remember to always eat breakfast. Just for now, work on gradually increasing the size of your breakfast. That's what helped me. Ideally you should be aiming for something like a 50g bowl of muesli with whole milk, or maybe and omelette with mushroom, or cheese, or bacon, or whatever else you want. Breakfast is great because it kick-starts your metabolism and keeps you burning calories all day ^^

So please, could you work on eating at least three decent sized meals a day?

Remember - Slim people eat. Ill people don't. Dying isn't beautiful, and you have no reason to punish yourself in this way.

Recovery is an AMAZING achievement. It may seem tough at times, but believe me, stick with it. It's worth it.

Trust me.

Good luck =]

xxxxxxxxxx

thank you all so much for replying!

i go back to school in about a month and i really wanted to try to get closer to my goal weight which was i think to be 96 pounds by the end of july. i don't think that will happen though but i'm not sure. for instance my scale says i'm about 92/93 right now but i've been on others like the one my old conditioning coach has and the nutritionist and theirs said 88 but that was about two weeks ago.

i just dont know how i can make it on my own while in college while worrying about this stupid weight gain, what to eat, what to cook etc. my mom wants me to get a meal plan but i really dont want her to pay $1000 for a meal plan when i know what kind of food they serve. i'd much rather make my own food.

so you dont think i should go out and buy mineral vitamins or something for the hair loss? i read it could be a mineral deficiency as well and to maybe take prenatal vitamins and someone else said something about bioxin or something like that i think its shampoo for cancer patients.

i have been trying to consume more healthy fats. i had salmon for lunch and dinner the last two days. today my mom is making some round eye beef and will put it with black beans to make the brazilian dish called "feijoada" if anyone has heard of it, its so good! and she cooks with olive oil all the time (which i wasn't doing before).

so you see i dont think my problem so much is putting food in my mouth i mean honestly before this stupid ED and weightless id have whatever i wanted, whenever. now of course i am trying to be more conscious about portion control and how much i should eat etc and not to eat until i am absolutely full and cant put more in my stomach. 

its just confusing i always hear different things from people. my conditioning coach has been saying he doesn't want me to worry about calories just eat more and more often. get more calories in. if you want a bit of ice cream go ahead and have it. have lots of shakes put bananas, pb, w/e in it etc. if you want to build muscle you cant have a deficit. then i have a family friend who was a counselor and was trying to help me with this ED while my parents were away and i was on my own. he thinks eating lots of carbs as in breads and pasta will help me gain the weight. also shakes, smoothies, etc. he says i should aim for about 3500 calories a day.

its just annoying i stand there in the middle of the fridge and it takes me like 30 min to decide what to eat. there are things i may crave but i get scared. i have been craving a pb sandwhich with a glass of milk. i think i will have that later today maybe as a snack? and my mom has also bought lots of ensure boosts. i look at it though and im like 250 calories! so much! for that i could make myself a nice milkshake that i like instead or maybe have a bowl of cereal or heck a piece of salmon and it scares me!

as for today for breakfast today i had 1 kashi waffle with cream cheese and strawberry jelly, 1/4 cup oatmeal with blueberries and a bit of activia yogurt put in, then i cut up two slices of papaya took out the seeds and filled the middle with more blueberries and raspberries and then put a bit of greek yogurt on it and that was my breakfast. i know i need to not think about it so much because i was counting calories as i did this. i dont know if i need to just stop doing this...? soon i think im going to the gym to do a little workout. its really not that much! and i never feel sore or anything after..the old coach said its because i am physically fit. i was usually always active and heck running lots a day. i was there one day with my mom and she could barely do a chest press machine with 40 or so pounds while i was doing 50. the next day though i never feel sore so i always wonder if im doing it correctly. i guess i shouldnt start obsessing over doing what some people do like, one day chest and abs, next day shoulder and arms. my conditioning coach has me doing 3 or 4 reps with 10 repetitions and he is doing more of a total body workout instead of targeting specific muscles.

i dont know i just need to stop obsessing and over analyzing but i think this has become part of my personality. i dont want to be at work all day thinking about what im going to eat the rest of the day or like when i was hanging out with my friends i was worried about what we'd eat. i want these voices gone!! and i definitely want my metabolism back so i know when im hungry and can eat when my body tells me is right.

so really eating/putting stuff in my mouth isnt so much a problem. i just worry about whether im putting too much into my plate etc. i dont want to have it unbalanced. like for instance there will be beans with beef, wild rice, and vegetables for lunch. normally id probably put 1/2 cup rice or less, lots of beans and big piece of beef with some veggies.

my mom wants me to start eating more bead and having more avocado. she keeps saying to have an avocado shake, put milk, an avocado some sugar and have that. i dont know im so confused and annoyed because i keep asking too many people for their advice so that i get all confused in my head. :/ i want to be healthy again, i want my period back, i want to stop obsessing over food. i honestly dont feel as tired as i was before (this could also be because i actually had a goods night rest where i didnt worry about stuff tonight). my mom for instance has said my face looks better i dont look like i did the first time she saw me three weeks ago. i mean i know i am definitely eating more balanced now. i dont feel as tired either but mentally i know i need to sort some things out first.

i don't know. can anyone give me some advice as to what their nutritionists have told them about good snacks, breakfasts etc? and after dinner i have been making a milkshake before going to bed. always at least one cup milk, sometimes a banana with one of the carnation vanilla things, or the whey protein powder from whole foods etc.

 

ok i'm going to stop here ive already written an essay. thanks for listening though and answering back. :)