Recovery and need support!

I've been looking around on this site for a bit and I finally decided to post. I actually just started refeeding today. I went through the crying, the reasoning for why I shouldn't just give up completely... I want ED out. I know it'll never be gone, but I want to have the upper hand here. I just need to talk to people that are in my shoes right now, or who are living in the light, free.

I am a weight restored anorexia SURVIVOR...i say survivor because this disease can kill you. It is vital to be treated and to get well, and it's serious. I suffered for about 2 years I believe and I realized that my low weight wasn't causing me any sense of relief from the pain in my life. I HATED my body, felt ashamed of the whispers about the girl with the eating disorder...ME. i HATED myself and because of that i didn't want anyone to be near me, to touch me, to look at me, to notice me. I wanted to be invisible and me being at a low weight did none of that for me...in fact it was the sole cause of my anxiety.

I realized that my life was spiraling out of control and each pound loss was just putting me at risk for death. I wanted to LIVE AGAIN!! that was my true desire, and I eventually snapped out of the feeling that anorexia would give me my dreams of living.

I realized that I HAD TO PUT ON WEIGHT if I wanted to ever be ME AGAIN! so i did it. Once i started I had my doubts but i never looked back. I accepted the weight gain before every stepping foot on a scale, I told myself...."christina if you gained 3 pounds this week it's okay, you will continue eating X amount and weigh yourself next week..if next week it's less than 2 pounds gained then you'll increase your calories again." for months this is how the coaching went, accepting the weight gain before feeling discouraged by the weight on the scale, pre-planning my reaction to the weight. Setting up your environment to embrace the life that's waiting for you when you beat AN is key. Don't do things that you know will cause anxiety and a relapse. Such things might include weighing yourself AFTER a large meal or when you feel bloated. Or trying on a pair of your AN clothes that SHOULDN'T fit if you're getting well.

I threw out all of my clothes that were from the ED days, and I replaced them with clothes that I WANTED to fit into once I reached a healthy weight. I avoided weighing myself more than once a week and I did a lot of reflecting on what it actually meant for me to gain weight...i asked myself, who cares if i weigh 20 pounds more? don't the people who acutally care about me want to see me healthy? wouldn't i feel prettier if i looked normal, like a woman? I tried to think rationally and sometimes the ED thoughts were intense and I'd force myself to eat. I think planning my meals and just NOT THINKING were key. Setting times to eat and not questioning it. Anyhow, you didn't ask for anything specific but I hope my experience and this bit of info helps you some.

We are here to support you if you need it. If you have questions or want to talk feel free to PM me.

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope every time I heard success stories. I look forward to talking with you more =).

There is nothing to add to chrissy's response except to say you have my support as well.

And she's right, planning pushes the thinking and anxiety out of the way -- meal plans make a huge difference.

Virtual hug.

chrissy gave a fantastic response. all i can add is it will get easier , ive had anorexia for 14 years , but its only the last 18months ive been actively in recovery , i felt exactly the same as you , the more weight i restore the more clearer everything becomes and you realise yes its hard but it is worth fighting for , when you restore weight you are feeding your mind as well alot of the irrational thinking does get better it has for me . my bmi is 17 at the moment from ten so i havnt finished gaining , but all i know is if you told me id get this far at the beginning i would of said no way . now i feel positive about the future , ive more energy and i wouldnt turn back . you can do this and we are all here to support me im helen by the way feel free to messaghe me anytime xx

Welcome!!  I've been on the site for about a month...I have added at least 1000- 1200 calories a day..not nearly enough. But I am DETERMINED! I think it gets down to do I want to live or die. I WANT TO LIVE.....no excuses, no doubts, I just FORCE myself to eat. Every 3 hours or so...and I log my food log daily and I only weigh myself once a week. I think Chrissy and Helen said it all but I am new and it is hard at the beginning. 

My Doctors all told me to look at food as my medication, for if I was to get sick at this weight...I would most certainly die.   I have a future...I have a life...so I eat...little meals at first..but I eat..and will continue  to for this is a Lifestyle change.  

The women on the site are AMAZING! You will get all the help and support and friendship you need.  Check out my profile...if it clicks with you, then I am happy to be your friend in this...if not..find others who can help you on your challenging journey...I wish you the best of luck in getting better...

You can do it.....You truly can!

Thank you guys for all of the posts! Sometimes I wish recovery was easier, but it being hard just makes it all the more worth it in the end.