In recovery trying to gain weight - problems with mother!

Hi,

I feel a little silly writing this but would appreciate some advice on this.  I am currently in recovery from anorexia and so trying to gain weight.  I live and work away from where I grew up and live alone now however think I am best off in an environment where I am not on my own so much so try and spend as much time as possible at my mother's house when I can.

I am currently staying with her as we are due to go away on holiday soon for the first time in a long time.  She is great and very supportive however sometimes what I find difficult is that she clearly has her own issues with food, although not to the extreme like me, it is obvious in comparison to others that her attitude to food and diet is not relaxed.  I won't detail but it's things I can see like rituals around eating and using things like acid reflux/indegestion problems as reasons/excuses why she can't eat certain foods but then will on other occasions eat other very acidic foods when it suits her (if they are low calorie!).

I have also noticed little changes she has made to her diet that are in line with how I eat which worries me, I know she would not take it to the extreme but still it concerns me that she is not picking up 'tips' off me.  She had always as long as I can remember been fanatical about healthy eating and I also find if I buy something, like a healthier make of some cereal, bread, peanut butter even she has to then change to buying that too (but again denies it is anything to do with me but the supermarket don't make the make she bought previously - even if it's their own brand!) 

I also do not feel as though she is honest with me about her diet, things like she will harp on about how much bread she eats per day but then I catch her out just taking salad to work.  Also I constantly find food labels saved in drawers etc with the nutritional/calorie content on there and when I have asked her about this in the past she said it's for the cooking info (so she doesn't forget how to cook it?) but then how does that explain things like chocolate wrappers which you don't need to cook??!!

I pulled her up on it this morning and she went mad saying she doesn't lie and shoudln't have to justify herself and why do I care what she eats I told her I don't but would just appreciate her being honest.  She says it is in my head.  I really don't know what to think but I know I'm not stupid and certain things here just don't add up.  I know she doesnt have a porblem like me but the way she is behaving really isnt helping and I am not sure what to do moving forward so things are better.   I am also now worrying about the holiday for obvious reasons.

Thanks for reading. x

i had to respond to this because when i was recovering from AN i did the same thing with EVERYONE around me, partly because i didn't feel comfortable gaining while they were losing. i fixated on what everyone else ate and i watched them like a hawk...it had to do with my own insecurities and i kind of labeled it as a concern for them when deep down it really wasn't.

is your mom at a healthy weight? has she lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time?

try not to focus on her, you need to be your concern and focusing on the eating behaviors of others will only make it more difficult for you. clearly you're making your mother uncomfortable about her behaviors if she feels she has to hide it from you. you have to realize that you're in recovery and therefore she has to be sensitive of that. it's "normal" for people to watch their calories, people on here do it all the time, but when you have a daughter recovering from an ED it is trickier to watch your calories and try to lose weight because as a parent you don't know where to draw the line.

does that make sense? try not to fixate on her so much and allow her to reach her goals without feeling judged and watched. it's difficult to be a good parent and try to lose weight healthily in her situation. or it can seem that way at least and maybe that's her way of doing it. if you want to talk PM me. take care!!

This doesn't address everything you said but just one little piece of advice: Could you try to transform your eating habits so that you don't mind as much if she picks up on them? It sounds like you probably do ritualistic things, and like only very healthy foods. So if you changed those things, she might as well, but at the very least you would feel good about yourself. It might be that she measures herself against you, so she would have less food anxiety, too. I know that's so hard (I'm a recovering anorexic and I definitely had the full-blown eating disorder). You can't change everything at once. It will take months, a year or many years to fix your habits for good. But when I was in the worst of it I always believed that I COULDN'T change them, that I never would, and that I had no control. It was just ED telling me that. You really can have control, you just have to seize it back from ED. Just start with one little thing at a time (ex: try a new kind of bread you're not used to and that isn't as "healthful" as your normal, or sprinkle sugar on your cereal when your mom can see it and then eat it) and keep faith when you mess up that things will get better. Good luck! <3

Hi both,

Thank you both so so much for replying.  I think chrissy you are right, because food and diet is something I think about so much all of the time I focus on it and am hypersensitive and probably read more into things.

I actually have managed to speak to her again and she eventually she admitted she embelishes/exagerates certain things she eats in the hope I wil eat more of it.  SHe agreed she does want to maintain a healthy diet - she is not what I would call overweight but I guess at her age like a lot of women is carrying a little extra around her middle so she does watch her diet.  But as she pointed out I am not with her 100% of time so cant see how things vary from day to day.  She did also point out she is not unheathily underweight so it shouldnt be an issue and also that the healthy things are part of a much wider and varied diet I just dont see it.

She think the holiday will be good as being around each other 100% of the time will show me what she acutally eats on a day.  I do agree with you both I need to focus on myself or I will never get better.  It is horrible knowing I have to eat more than other people but I just have to tell myself I am ill and they are not.

I have a first appt with a dietician tomorrow which I am hoping will give me a bit more focus.

Thanks again I really appreciate your replies.

S x

i can totally understand the way you feel , my mother has always been a dieter and at times it had an impact on me. like the other girls say though ,you need to focus on you , and what you are eating . it is worth noting that many people have funny ways with food and issues its when it gets to the extremes it matters . i think you were right to talk to her and make her aware of how you feel . it funny though when you have an ed you dont only know what you are eating you are aware of what everyone else is eating . its something i was guilty of when living at home i used to get wound up cause i felt like i was the only one ever eating the fact was my brother did miss snacks and go for long periods without eating, but then he d eat like about 3 of my meals all in one :) typical lad . must be grt to be this laid back . sorry to go on just wanted to say i understand , wish you luck and say we are all behind you h x

Hi. I am back in recovery from anorexia though have struggled for 15 years almost on and off. My mom who is my best friend though we live apart now has had anorexia my whole life. In treatment ip they have family therapy and that was something we talked a lot about. I still find it hard but am really working on what I need to do to be healthy. Not every body has the same needs and some people don't follow what their body does need. You can't change others just use your voice and focus on what you need to do. I try to focus on what ed or disordered ed takes away from a persons life and not glorify it. On the note about eating more then others. I understand this but again it is strong of you to take care and for your body that is eating more. I hope the nutritionist goes well. Be open and honest so that you can be assisted

hey, girl.  i must respond because i was really in a very similar situation for a long, long time.  i'm fairly certain that my mother has had weight/food-related issues all my life, but things became very evident several years ago.  she lost a lot of weight (though she denied it) and spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym, power-walking, and basically surviving on lettuce.  it was very clear to everyone around her that she was not healthy, but she was so defensive about it and also used any excuse you could think of.  i was at a very bad point, and it was extremely difficult for me to accept her "advice" and "support" when she herself was in such denial of her own hypocrisy. (i'll never forget being told by the girls in ip that when my parents took me there, they all thought my mother and i were being admitted). 

it got to the point that i absolutely had to move 2,000 miles away because, as much as i love her, i could not handle her denial.  if she would have just admitted that she had a problem (and she has since), i maybe could have dealt.  but the fact that i've always been the scapegoat for all of my family's issues (my family looks keen from the outside), and the issue with my mother had become so blatantly apparent, was making it harder and harder for me to consider my own recovery.  i didn't move away with the intent of "getting well"...i moved away because my mother's denial was intensifying the very feelings that manifested my illness in the first place.

my point is, basically, that the apple does not fall far from the tree.  though i refuse to place blame, i also am working very hard on understanding that my issues did not arise out of thin air.  sometimes family dynamics are so strong and convoluted that it is extremely hard to develop any kind of perspective until you are separate from the negative patterns that keep you stuck.

your situation may be a lot different in some ways, but perhaps you can glean some kind of advice from my story. i know how hard it is.

message me anytime. xo

Hi Hun,

I think you may have it a little bit mixed up.

First of all she is your mum and obviously loves you to bits, but she is also a woman and don't all of us women have the same thing in commen.

We obsess about our weight.

Sounds like she is trying to watch her weight but feels guilty as hell because you have had such a serious problem with yours and she does not want to let you see her keeping hers in line. She is also by the sound of it trying her best not to interfere with your eating but failing miserably, she will try every way she can of getting the best and most loved foods for you.

Sounds to me that you are both tip toeing around each other in case you upset the other one and rock the boat. I think you make a great team but maybe your lines of communication have broken down through secrecy on your part and worry on her part. She is you mum and will never change no matter what age you are, how about you catch up with a bit of mother and daughter bonding an d stop obsessing with food.

Have a wonderful holiday and try some meditation while your away it's a great way of refocusing the mind and it's not just new age crap (honest)

I think that it is very common for ED sufferers to be very aware of how much everyone around them is eating because food is such a central focus of our lives.  When we are restricting, we are contantly thinking about food, and when we are gaining, we are constantly focused on how much we need to eat or what we need to eat.  It is a vicious circle that can only be helped by reaching a stable weight that heals the brain and allows us to cope with our problems. 

My situation is different than yours when it comes to my mother, but I thought that I would share.  My mother and my sister have always been overweight, and I guess that I always feared that I too would be destined to be overweight.  This translates into me being the one that is constantly trying to tell my mom how to eat, but why should i do this because i am obviousely not healthy or capable of maintaining a healthy mind and body.  I feel terrible because I sometimes look at my mother and think that she is a failure because she doesn't lose weight.  I realize that weight loss is a very difficult task and I feel very sorry for her because i know that she would feel better if she did lose weight.  However, when we go out to eat, she always overeats and she always talks about exercise, but she never actually sticks to the plan.  It is just frustrating because I want to help, but I know that I need to take care of myself before i can actually help someone else. 

I think that my views toward my mother are really skewed.  She has always battled her weight and I have battled mine, but are battles are completely different.  I just really hope that someday that we both can learn to cope with our inner anxieties around food.

Good Lord, ctigger, thank you for that post! I could have written it myself. In fact, there's nothing I would change. I could add- more about how much she overeats, my whole family but especially my mom- but that wouldn't help anyone. It just frustrates me and hinders my recovery sometimes. It's good to know I'm not alone. But recovery is about us. You're right; we can't help anyone else achieve better eating habits until we can help ourselves first.