Regret and Her Horrible Twin, Guilt
This is a parable about a hidden force that may be keeping you stuck.
The twin sisters Regret and Guilt look a lot alike but they are very different.
When Regret makes a mistake she cries, “Oh, I wish I hadn’t done that!” or “Why did I do that?” or “I’m never doing that again!”
But when Guilt makes a mistake she yells, “You idiot, you blew it again!” or “You are such a loser—what’s the matter with you?” or “You might as well give up; you’re never going to get it right.”
Regret makes mistakes all the time. She figures that everybody does, especially when they’re learning something new. Regret doesn’t even really seem to mind making mistakes because she always learns something that helps her do things a little differently the next time. She even laughs at herself and shares her mistakes with others so they’ll learn too. She doesn’t care that other people sometimes do things better—but she wants to be the best she can be so she never gives up trying.
Of course, Guilt makes mistakes too but she blames herself because she believes she should know better. Instead of helping her learn, her mistakes just prove that she is a bad person and that something is wrong with her. She is often angry with herself and sometimes other people. Secretly, she feels unloved and unworthy. With every mistake, she resolves to do things perfectly the next time to prove to everyone else that she is good enough.
One day, Regret and Guilt agreed that it was time to make some lifestyle changes. Regret regretted that her energy level was low and she wasn’t able to do all of the things she wanted. Guilt felt bad too—guilty that she was “too fat and lazy.”
Regret decided that she would make small changes to the way she ate. She started by paying more attention to her hunger and fullness cues. It sounded simple enough but it wasn’t as easy as she thought, especially when someone brought donuts to the office. After two days of eating donuts mid-morning, she realized she needed to make a plan. She gave herself extra time in the morning to have breakfast and pack lunch. She also made a list of other things she could do besides eat when the donuts were calling her. She continually tweaked her plan to figure out what worked the best and congratulated herself on her small successes.
Guilt liked the idea of using hunger and fullness too—but one day she had already eaten most of her lunch at her desk when her boss showed up with cake to celebrate Secretary’s Day. She had a piece even though she wasn’t hungry. Within a few minutes she was berating herself for her terrible mistake, telling herself that she had failed again. She gave up and went back for a second piece. She felt so bad about herself that she picked up a pizza and ice cream on the way home.
Although Guilt was well intentioned, her unrealistic expectations and the shame and blame she heaped on herself were preventing her from learning, improving, and forgiving herself when she made choices that didn’t work out well. She even felt guilty for feeling guilty!
When Guilt finally asked her sister for help, Regret explained that while there's always room for improvement, toddlers fall down many times before becoming proficient at walking. They may cry but they don't feel ashamed. Instead they get up, make adjustments, and try again.
Regret’s favorite words of wisdom:
- Perfection is not possible--or necessary.
- When you make a mistake, don't miss the lesson.
- Small changes slowly add up to big changes.
Your thoughts....
To whom do you relate, Regret, Guilt or neither?
Michelle May, M.D. is the award-winning author of Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat: How to Break Your Eat-Repent-Repeat Cycle. Download chapter one free. Dr. May is also the founder of the Am I Hungry?® Mindful Eating Workshops and Facilitator Training Program that helps individuals learn to break free from mindless and emotional eating to live a more vibrant, healthy life.
Comments
WOW! Guilt is my middle name...'I even feel guilty for feeling guilty!' I hope I can get over myself one day, and then maybe I can start making real changes!
wow. very good article. Enjoyed the fact that they were ''telling a story'' instead of putting us - the readers - as ''example'' it's easier to ''read about someone else''. Very good !I am an uncurable Guilty. To 100%. In a way, I take pride in being so ''tough'' but it's always a double edged sword...I don't see myself changing simply because it is in my personality. I'm a scorpio for god's sakes and for now, this is not going to change...:-(
I found this particularly inspiring and relatable, even for someone with a background of eating disorders - anorexia which followed with another extreme, binge eating.
Thank you
Awesome article. Thanks for posting. Unfortunately I fall in the guilty category and do almost all things mentioned above from berating myself to overeating because I made one mistake. I am going to try to change. Very inspiring. Thanks again.
One of the best submissions on the subject I've ever read, and I've read thousands over the years.
I can totally relate to the guilt and it's methods of operation. I know I am making progress because I could see how I do the guilt routine when reading the article and yet I didn't feel guilty about it. I saw the little things I am doing to change.
I have begun to forgive myself immediately when I eat something I shouldn't and even forgive myself for the days I don't get my exercise in. I have learned to listen to my self talk and stop myself when I start with the "you already blew it so you might as well just keep eating" scenario. That is such an insidious trap. Once I hear the guilt tape begin I can choose to forgive myself and step away.
I didn't use to even notice when this was operational in me. It has taken a lot of patience and practice to learn to listen and hear my own self talk. It is a freeing thing to know how I have sabotaged myself.
Thank you for a great article! I think the topic is one that bears repeating in as many forms as possible to help those of us that are stuck in a cycle of guilt. I think it is a learned behavior that takes a lot of work to change.
Original Post by: cynthiasunshinewow. very good article. Enjoyed the fact that they were ''telling a story'' instead of putting us - the readers - as ''example'' it's easier to ''read about someone else''. Very good !I am an uncurable Guilty. To 100%. In a way, I take pride in being so ''tough'' but it's always a double edged sword...I don't see myself changing simply because it is in my personality. I'm a scorpio for god's sakes and for now, this is not going to change...:-(
Or maybe it won't be as hard as you expect, maybe this time you can make a small change that make sit easier for you to make a plan and be successful?
I found this article really helpful and recognise myself as being guilty, sometimes, and regretful and making small changes. It's a constant thing to keep reminding myself that good enough is good enough, introducing maybe instead of can't to my vocabulary helps me as well.
WOW, Did I need this today!! I think "the twins" live at MY house with me. I'm 52 yrs. old and finally lost 115 lbs. (also quit smoking 2 months ago) That's where "Regret" comes in to visit. I so wish that I had been mature enough to do all this 30 yrs. ago when I was younger and had more time to enjoy a healthy body. And "Guilt", she's in my face everyday. If I miss a workout,(even when I'm sick) If I have a little "food" slip, she's right there looking over my shoulder and making me feel bad.
Excellent article. I would add journeling about any incident stating what happened and how you felt about it can allow one to get treally honest with themselve.
Guilt :P that explains this past week. That needs to change :] Great article!
I'm Regret, all the way... I regret putting on weight over the years and I regret rewarding myself too much (in the wrong way, with food) after I lost 15 lbs... just to put it back on. I don't get too down on myself (that's why I don't think I'm "Guilt"). I think that has to do with growing up believing that I could be or do anything that I wanted to do. I know I can lose weight. I regret not working to lose it sooner... I'll get over it, though. You can't change the past, right?
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I have felt both, but I am much more of a 'Regret' person then a 'guilt' person. I feel bad when I make a mistake or eat something even though I don't need it and I don't even really want it that much, and then I end up feeling sick afterward. But I learn from my mistakes, and tomorrow is another day and another chance to make myself proud.
I also recognize when I have made a mistake almost right away, and so I try harder for the rest of the day instead of giving up and doing more damage.
I just don't understand when People give into temptation and eat something bad for them, then they think 'Oh well, I already screwed up, I might as well eat more.' Instead, when I give into temptation I say to myself 'This was just a little slip, and I can eat healthier (and less calories for the rest of the day) and work out extra hard. I'll just work harder for the next few days to make this right again.'
I mostly relate to "Regret" and there is another "sister" here - but I don't know her name. The one that pops up when you keep trying but its such a struggle that you just give up for a while, and quit dieting or monitoring or struggling or whatever. Then you realize you can't do that either becasue you do want - and need - to be healthy and so you begin anew. Maybe Perserverance (and her ugly twin, Stubborness) is her name?
i realte to both guilt and regret. im a total falure and dont think ill ever suceed at anything. i have been so strong in control very strict on my eating plan. i have not binged or pigged out since 22july 20010. on 5april will be officaly one year on diet. with 2day with pigout. but on 31 may pigot small and 22 july med but ended before midnight as after midnight means new day and falure. i still see myself as huge fat and a falure
Original Post by: bestephensWOW! Guilt is my middle name...'I even feel guilty for feeling guilty!' I hope I can get over myself one day, and then maybe I can start making real changes!
^^^ THIS.... Agree 100%
I shoud've known better, now I feel like a loser.
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I'm a scorpio too. And honestly it depends on the day, I used to be more Guilt, but these days Regret is winning - Yes scorpios are set in their ways and like to battle it out - but the battle is never one sided. Changing your mode of attack can prove your victory. Inflexability will cause defeat. Toughing it out can go in either direction.
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What an extremely true posting. I think that we all struggle with finding a balance in our lives where we don't let guilt rule over us. It is one of the trickiest parts to succeeding in your goals. Once you take control though? banish that guilt and take pride in your achievements rather than tear yourself down for your failures? Well that's when the world takes on a different sheen and your perspective shifts to a better place.