Relationship Advice?

I don't normally post under this name, but for just-in-case purposes, this ID is safer.

Ok, so I've been dating the same person for almost 8 years now, which is a very long amount of time when you're only 24. We've had our many many ups and downs and everything in between like any other relationship. We've discussed marriage and kids and our futures and I've been good with that.
So here's the problem... over the past 6 months or so, I've started to feel smothered. I get agitated and slightly panicky when someone asks when we're getting married or having kids, where I didn't before. He wants to buy a house soon and I'm not sure I'm ready to get into that kind of financial mess with him.

I'm not a fan of a lot of PDA, but recently I get even more annoyed over any public affection. It bothers me when he says sappy things (not just the "I love you's", but the really sappy stuff).

I don't want everyone to think that our relationship is all bad, because it's not. We're not even fighting at all. I don't know what changed over this past 6 months to a year or so, but I'm scared.

Has anyone ever been through something similar to this? Any comments or suggestions would be nice.

I think you need to be honest. If you want to save this relationship, you need to let him know how you feel. It will hurt him, yes, and I can't promise you will be able to salvage it, but if you just sit in silence, the relationship won't get better and you won't be able to confront.. whatever it is that's bothering you.

I'm 28, no relationship expert. I've been engaged once, lived with him for awhile. Then got a house w another guy years later, and marriage seemed imminent, but then I left. Just some background for you....

anyway. I think that maybe you are wondering if this is everything you want. Marriage would be it, you would be with this guys forever. It could be just the cold feet, or you could really feel like you need to see what's out there. it's hard to say.

I was engaged at 21. Granted, the relationship itself was bad, but even if it wasn't, I ended up realizing I wasn't ready to settle down anyway.

Now, my best friend got engaged to her 1st, she had dated him for 6 years before that. They got engaged and she went through the same thing. Was going to break it off or ask for some sort of break to go out and see what else was there. IT didn't end up happening and they married....she realized she just had cold feet a bit.

You just have to look inside. Are you getting annoyed at things cuz you want out, or are you getting annoyed at things cuz you are a little scared of the future?

I know you can probably picture a future with him....but do you SEE it? Feel it? What if he asked you to marry him TODAY? What would you say/feel?? Or what if he wanted to break up today, what would you say/feel?

I guess that wasn't much advice....sorry...but I really think that only you can say what you are feeling and you might just have to figure it out on your own in the end!

Or talk to HIM about it...maybe he's feelign the same way, or better yet, maybe he can ease your fears...?

In any case, good luck!

You might also be feeling smothered because he could be picking up on your agitation and unsure feelings towards the relationship. If this is the case he might already be worrying about losing you - which usually results in even more clingy behaviour (which doesn't usually help the situation).

He's known you for 8 years - he will already know deep down inside that you've got issues with something - even if you both aren't sure what that issue is yet.

I had these kinds of feelings when I knew in my heart it was over - but I hadn't quite convinced my head that I should move on or not. I had been with the guy close to 3 years and he was planning on proposing to me. I did love him - but I knew he wasn't right for me in the long run. He was my closest friend and I was afraid of missing out on having that someone to talk to about everything. But I knew I had to do it because I had lost myself in the relationship. Ending it and moving on was the best thing I could have ever done. The only thing I sometimes regret is why I didn't see how toxic it was for me and why I had been waiting so long to move on. 

Debating the breakup is always hard - especially when you dont really have a "good" reason for ending things. Or when you are terrified of being alone. Being with him for 8 years you probably don't even know who YOU are.

Being honest about YOUR feelings is the best thing you can do for the both of you.

Eventually you're going to have to talk about it.... but figure out what you want out of the conversation with him before you start babling with "i don't know"s!

You will already know in your heart what you want to do - its just convincing your brain to catch up on the logic behind it... and then once again convincing your heart that you've made the right decision. Internal conflict happens. It's not fun but it's life!

Original Post by jef9up:

Debating the breakup is always hard - especially when you dont really have a "good" reason for ending things. Or when you are terrified of being alone. Being with him for 8 years you probably don't even know who YOU are.

Being honest about YOUR feelings is the best thing you can do for the both of you.

You will already know in your heart what you want to do - its just convincing your brain to catch up on the logic behind it... and then once again convincing your heart that you've made the right decision. Internal conflict happens. It's not fun but it's life!

 You're right, I really don't have any idea who I am. I mean, I've been attached to him since I was 16. You don't know who you are at 16. You can't, or at least most people can't. 
And yeah, I'm terrified of losing him. I've never been without him 33% of my life so far has been with him. He's my best friend. I'm terrified of making this giant mistake that I can't take back.

But really, how am I supposed to know if he's right for me if I have no comparison base? Is anyone really right for you? Is it just work that makes the person right?

I have no clue. I feel so lost.

Here's the kicker.. we share a lot of the same friends and if I actually decide to break up with him, I have a feeling I'm going to lose a couple really great close friends. I'm terrified of isolating myself completely. That sounds really selfish, but I just can't imagine being THAT alone. You know?

If you are feeling this way, it's because you are scared of entering into this relationship full time or maybe you are just not quite ready.

I got married when I was 24.  It seems so long ago.  At the time, I had the same kind of feelings you are having.  If I had an opportunity to go back in time, I would have postponed getting married.  As it turned out, we just were not right for one another. 

Listen to your inner voice, I think it's telling you to slow down something is not feeling right to you.  Don't feel rushed into something that you are not quite comfortable with yet.

When it's the right time and the right person than it all feels right.  This guy might be the right person, but something is telling you to go slow.  Trust your instict even if you don't understand it.

Everyone has provided good advice, this is just my 2 cents . . .

It's possible you feel that way because you are only 24 and you said you have been with him for 8 years, since you were 16. I can't imagine you had too many serious relationships prior to 16. Your entire young adult life has been spent with this person.

I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I'm sure a lot of people never acknowledge such feelings and end up, in some way, unfulfilled later on.

Whomever said that you have to honest with yourself, and your partner, is right: I don't think feelings like this disappear.

Good luck!

[for reference: I am 27, want to be with my currrent parter, but not ready to marry. This is partly because the career I've chosen requires a lot of schooling and it's hard to be in family mode when that's the case :) ]

If you aren't sure that you want to have this discussion with him then perhaps you would consider going to a third party to talk some of this out - it could be a counsellor/social worker/clergy - someone who can be neutral to the situation. 

Having been in a few relationships where I felt the same way, I found that the finding someone that doesn't know either of us to talk to about the situation really helped. 

And, if it helps, I think that any time you are in a long term relationship that there are times when you feel smothered ... I would suggest going slow in making decisions or having conversations with your partner to be sure that you know what it is that you want to have happen. 

And, it's likely that he's sensing your feelings and your behaviours around this - you have likely withdrawn from him ... and he is compensating by doing things that would make him seem clingy - consider too that you are likely reading into his behaviours .... if you think he is smothering you, you are likely picking up on behaviours of his that would support that - even though he may have done the exact same thing months ago that you may have thought were sweet or that showed he cared.

I guess my advice in a nutshell ... talk to someone neutral and don't make any big decisions or have any big talks with him until you are completely sure that you will be happy with whatever the outcome may be.

Good luck!