Ok, so I have lost 35 lbs in the past 9 months, and I have been getting more attention for my looks. About a month ago, I broke off a 5-month relationship that just wasn't working out. Now, I've been getting attention and being approached more by men.
I recently got onto the relationship bandwagon and went on a date with a guy I met from the church I just recently joined. I am almost 20, and now have come to find out that he is 31. Age really isn't anything but a number to me, but I was wondering other people's opinion on such a relationship. I still have 5 years of schooling before I get my J.D., and he's already a veterinary doctor. He obviously wants to start a family, as do I, however, the age difference may determine when that will happen. Despite all of this, we "get" each other, even though I know he may have been questioning my seriousness going into a relationship or if it would be more casual. I don't do friends with benefits well -- I get attached and deeply hurt.
Also, I have met other guys I was somewhat interested in, most of whom are at least 5 years my senior (one is 26). I feel more like myself with older men, and I don't have to put up with the party college-boy mentality I am surrounded with in college. I want to find "the one", but I want to be sure, and I don't want to just try a relationship and end up getting too attached.
Any advice would be helpful.
You are right to feel that the age difference could be a problem in this relationship. You are both at very different times of your life. You are a student, you have dreams, expectations, probably little experience of what working everyday is like. He has already experienced all that, is settled, has probably started planing a house, a retirement plan, etc. This difference in status has been known to create many difficulties in relationships.
I am not saying don't go for it. After all, you never know what will happen ;) Just keep in mind that it will be more problematic a relationship than if he was a student like you.
He's absolutley fantastic. She loves him, her family loves him, her friends love him. Age doesn't always matter. It's the person who matters.
Good luck!!
I don't think there are any problems with it. When I was 19 I dated a 31 year old, I'm now with someone who is 8 years my senor. I've always been attracted to older men.
I think as long as you are up front about everything (such as telling him you don't want kids for awhile and you don't want a friends with benefits realtionship) when the time is right - then it shouldn't be a problem. Just like any other relationship, relationships with other men are more successful when you're honest (both with him and with yourself!).
I think it's harder, the older you get, to find a good relationship. If this works for you don't worry about the age difference as it's not really that much. I dated a man 22 yrs older and that didn't work. I'm active while he just liked to sit and reminisce about what he 'used' to do.
I used to worry about how I would know when a man was 'the one'. My mother said, 'you will just know'. My hubby was the one for me, I had no doubts or worries, and we got married because we just liked being together. (and loved each other)
It just sounds like this may not be the one for you, at least right now, or you would 'know' it.
One warning tho, one thing you do deal with as you get older, is the 'baggage' (I don't like that term) that a man is more likely to have. Older men may have children, which will cut into time with you or your children. Or they may have an ex who is too much in the picture.
You're still young and with 5 more yrs of college you have plenty of opportunity to meet other men.
Age is just a number. It's how you feel that's important, and if you're feelin' pretty positive about this relationship, then what's the problem?
An age difference doesn't mean there will or won't be problems. There can be issues with an age difference of more than 5 years and you should be aware of what they could be.
I think once you go beyond 5 years you get into a slightly different generational view and cultural experiences, such as what music & TV was popular at different points in your life, as well as the political viewpoints and experiences you have encountered. These may or not be problems, but they can sometimes be.
My main concern with your post is that you are only 20 and looking for "the one" and yet you don't want to date around because you're afraid of getting too attached. I believe your main focus should be on discovering yourself and meeting people. How can you find "the one" without giving people the chance. Pay attention to why you get so attached. Are you looking for security that you don't think you can achieve on your own? Are you afraid of being alone? These are just a couple of questions you should be asking yourself.
is it wrong that i'm looking for "the one" at 20? I don't want to waste my time with people who won't be there in the long run. i don't want to go for short-term relationships or friends with benefits - I want to find a truly lasting relationship. his memories may not be highly generationally-equivalent, but the things we do have in common are pretty significant in present terms, particularly our field of knowledge and outlook on life (we have actually had some pretty deep conversations)
but, what would happen if i took him to my college student senate formal? would he stick out or would we be talked about because he's older?
age shouldn't be anything but a number, but damn society often thinks differently
Original Post by dbascom88:is it wrong that i'm looking for "the one" at 20? I don't want to waste my time with people who won't be there in the long run. i don't want to go for short-term relationships or friends with benefits - I want to find a truly lasting relationship. his memories may not be highly generationally-equivalent, but the things we do have in common are pretty significant in present terms, particularly our field of knowledge and outlook on life (we have actually had some pretty deep conversations)
but, what would happen if i took him to my college student senate formal? would he stick out or would we be talked about because he's older?
age shouldn't be anything but a number, but damn society often thinks differently
I don't think there is anything wrong with you looking for"the one" now. When I was 18 1/2 I met my now husband. I knew then that I did not want to continue with the causal dating thing. I knew what I wanted and thats what I went for. I told him early in our relationship I wanted to be married and have a family and as it turned out that was what he was looking for. So no I don't like there is anything wanting"the one " now.
I agree with you on the society part as well. As long as the 2 involved are of consenting legal age they should be able to date who they wish (again as long as of age). Along with that there is this society norm that 18-21 or so should be for partying and causal dating. Like there is something wrong with a younger person that wants to avoided all that and have a family. At least for some (I am in this category) that already did that (for years) before I got to that age and I was done with all that and was looking for more in life. I wanted that family and marriage and all that.
I don't get the older men thing, I'm 23 in a week and balking at the idea of guys who are 28 and up, even 26/27 feels a bit weird. Maybe I'm having trouble accepting my own age, ha.
If you love a guy and you're a great couple, age is only a number. My only concern is the "starting a family" part...always remember that YOU and YOUR goals come first, and he should understand that.
Take it slow and have fun.
Do understand that at 31 he's pretty much who he is and at 20 you will change much more and more rapidly than he will. It's just the nature of growing up.
I think a 20-24 year old changes about 10 times faster than 25-30 year old. It's just the nature of gain some life experience. After ~30 that change slows cause we have our feet wet with life.
Go for it! I started dating someone who was 31 when I was 19, and it was amazing. We did break up, but we are best friends now!
I have no interest in guys my age either(I am almost 21), and will only date those who are 25+. If you are mature, then there is no reason why you can't date anyone who is older. It really bothers me when people will point out the age differences in a relationship like this, but most peoples parents are 10 years apart!
As long as you are both comfortable with the age difference, and know exactly what each other is looking for, you'll be fine. Good luck!
i don't think the age thing is a factor. when i was your age (i sound 100!) and i was a fledgling pre-med student, i was mad about a guy who was also a 31 year old doctor (those were the days). i liked it because he was smarter than me, he could teach me things that i was very eager to learn, and he had a life to talk about. and we could talk shop. it was nice while it lasted, and i enjoy the memories. no regrets, no what-ifs. see where it goes. besides, 31 isn't that old. if you two don't make the long haul, he'll still have plenty of life in him to find someone he can marry (if that's what he wants).
as for finding the one, you're only 19. i say date the other guys as well, casually. nothing too serious, as you're just beginning your long, long life. don't take it so seriously, and have fun!
what is it with 31 and 19?
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