Relationship and friendship. Trying to be a rational, supportive girlfriend.

Oh yes, another relationship post.

Sorry, this isn't going to be very dramatic. I'm just wresting with my emotions.

So far, this relationship has been great.

Our work schedules are night and day...literally. I'm a night shift employee at a cable corp and he's a teacher. The weekends are all we have to spend time together. Not a huge problem, though. We make it work.

He is friends with a girl who lives three hours away. They've been friends probably longer than my boyfriend and I have even known each other. Occassionally, she will stay over his house, and he will stay over hers.

I trust him completely. In fact, I was quite comfortable with it until a few weekends ago.

My boyfriend postponned our plans to drive over and spend the night at her place...because she had broken up with her boyfriend. This made me a little uncomfortable, and I told him.
We talked it over.
He apologized and told me how important I was to him. I told him his friendships are also important, and I support him. I felt much better after this talk.

I would never stop him from doing anything amongst his friends.
After all, this would not be a deal at all if this was a male friend. Would I not want the same trust and support if I had a close male friend? And they have been friends for so long, it should be cherished.

But...

This evening, my boyfriend told me his friend was staying tonight, and tomorrow over for halloween. I felt not only uncomfortable, but hurt.
Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe I'm much more jealous than I though I was.

But my gut is reeling.

Please, someone smack me back into the rational side of my brain.

Original Post by jellykiss:

Oh yes, another relationship post.

Sorry, this isn't going to be very dramatic. I'm just wresting with my emotions.

So far, this relationship has been great.

Our work schedules are night and day...literally. I'm a night shift employee at a cable corp and he's a teacher. The weekends are all we have to spend time together. Not a huge problem, though. We make it work.

He is friends with a girl who lives three hours away. They've been friends probably longer than my boyfriend and I have even known each other. Occassionally, she will stay over his house, and he will stay over hers.

I trust him completely. In fact, I was quite comfortable with it until a few weekends ago.

My boyfriend postponned our plans to drive over and spend the night at her place...because she had broken up with her boyfriend. This made me a little uncomfortable, and I told him.
We talked it over.
He apologized and told me how important I was to him. I told him his friendships are also important, and I support him. I felt much better after this talk.

I would never stop him from doing anything amongst his friends.
After all, this would not be a deal at all if this was a male friend. Would I not want the same trust and support if I had a close male friend? And they have been friends for so long, it should be cherished.

But...

This evening, my boyfriend told me his friend was staying tonight, and tomorrow over for halloween. I felt not only uncomfortable, but hurt.
Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe I'm much more jealous than I though I was.

But my gut is reeling.

Please, someone smack me back into the rational side of my brain.

Well..it is very possible to be just BEST friends betwee na guy and a girl. I have a guy best friend that I stay over at his house all the time, we sleep in the same bed and everything and have never done anything.. but because of me. If I told him I wanted to be with him he'd jump on it in a second, but since he knows I dont he's totally respectful and cool with it.

Now..will this girl give him the chance to jump on it?

Why not go over his house as well? It's not it's impossible for the 3 of you to hang out. Bring some candy!

No no no no nonononnonoo.

Original Post by cptbunny:

Why not go over his house as well? It's not it's impossible for the 3 of you to hang out. Bring some candy!

There is a huge Halloween party we will all be meeting up to attend. At least, for the evening/night.

I've met her only once, and this could also be a factor. I barely know her.
Maybe once I do, it will all be peachy.

se1289-I trust him to not let that happen. I'm just not particularly in love with the situation at the moment.

jack- no irrational or rational?

wow. screw that. if my boyfriend was sleeping over at a girls house, that would be the end of that.

Trust your gut.

Very often our own mind goes through all possible permutations of our situation on its own and when the probabilities aren't good for us, our mind tells us.

Original Post by schnooder:

wow. screw that. if my boyfriend was sleeping over at a girls house, that would be the end of that.

What she said.

You  are an incredibly understanding girlfriend and I hope he knows that. I know I wouldn't be able to stand it. I would tell him you really want to get to know her better before the Halloween party. Observe how she acts around him. Is she touchy feeley, does she give him that look? If you are uncomfortable with the way she acts towards him let your boyfriend know gently. Tell him you respect him and his friendships, but women sense things men can't. Tell him that your picking up on some "more than friends" vibes from her. Don't put her down, you can tell him it may just be an emotional time and she's reaching for the best man she knows. Then tell him that you understand if she needs to come over,but that you prefer she only spends the night when you are there too. Your boyfriend should understand this. If he pitches a fit or acts irrational be very wary and keep your guard up.

I've been there with my boyfriend, he eventually realized that she wanted to be more than friends and cut her off.

Original Post by cptbunny:

Why not go over his house as well? It's not it's impossible for the 3 of you to hang out. Bring some candy!

This. 

I agree with hanging out with the two of them and observing. If she is very awkward around you, or overly solicitous and friendly, or seemingly resentful, worry...

I personally would not be OK with my BF spending the night at a friend's house when she had just broken up with her BF. That is a recipe for things getting complicated, and what you want at 4 pm is not always what you wind up wanting (despite knowing it's wrong) at 4 am, after a long emotional connection. Sounds like this girl is trying to make it clear that she is his first priority, not you. That's not right and that's not the way things should be. It should be him leaving her side when you need him, not the other way around - you're the girlfriend.

I say this as someone who, in her adolescence, was that "friend". I didn't want him as a boyfriend but it gave me an ego boost to know that he was mine, that I had the power instead of his girlfriend. And yes, maintaining that power meant sleeping with him, and denying it to everyone. She suspected but he was always a good boyfriend to her so she never really knew. I had a chip on my shoulder and a hole in my self-esteem, and this is just the kind of stuff I would have pulled at that time.

And I, too, have felt that tug in the gut a couple of times, for "no rational reason", and EVERY TIME it turned out to be justified. I learned that your gut is often smarter than you, and rationalization can be a way of ignoring what you already know. If you are not someone with a history of being a psycho girlfriend (and considering the latitude you have given him freely in the past, it doesn't sound like it), then I would trust your gut. Let him go to her, and then let him go entirely.

Whoa. If my boyfriend did this to me, he would be wearing his ass for a hat. And have no girlfriend. :)

But since you have been okay with this before, I like what others have said. Join them for one of their "sleepovers" or whatever. If you do not want to sound naggy and say, "I think you are cheating on me, let me sleep over too so I can watch you two every second," you can word it like, "I feel uncomfortable with her sleeping over, I mean, I barely know her."

If he does not offer for you to hang out with them, that is a huge, red, flashing, whining light.

Original Post by muttlover:

If he does not offer for you to hang out with them, that is a huge, red, flashing, whining light.

 THIS. Especially if you ask to hang out with them, because she's his friend and you would like to get to know her (after all, if he likes her so much, why wouldn't you?), and he says no...that would be a red flag for me too.

If they are JUST friends, there's no reason why all three of you couldn't hang out without any weirdness.

If there's more...then there's nothing you can do to stop it (no amount of begging, whining, ultimatums, etc,. will stop it), and maybe it's time to re-evaluate why you're with him, if he's willing to hurt you like that.

Agreed with most of the above.  Generally speaking, I have no problem with a boyfriend having female friends, but the sleeping over would make me uncomfortable.  However, since this girl lives 3 hours away, it's not really feasible to say "well, you can see her but she can't stay over."  He should definitely have NO problem having you hang out with them if they're just good friends.  Especially if you've already explained that this makes you uncomfortable.  If he hems and haws at it, makes excuses, or just in general doesn't like the idea, then you have to ask yourself what it is that he doesn't want you to see.

Original Post by trustwomen:

I agree with hanging out with the two of them and observing. If she is very awkward around you, or overly solicitous and friendly, or seemingly resentful, worry...

I personally would not be OK with my BF spending the night at a friend's house when she had just broken up with her BF. That is a recipe for things getting complicated, and what you want at 4 pm is not always what you wind up wanting (despite knowing it's wrong) at 4 am, after a long emotional connection. Sounds like this girl is trying to make it clear that she is his first priority, not you. That's not right and that's not the way things should be. It should be him leaving her side when you need him, not the other way around - you're the girlfriend.

I say this as someone who, in her adolescence, was that "friend". I didn't want him as a boyfriend but it gave me an ego boost to know that he was mine, that I had the power instead of his girlfriend. And yes, maintaining that power meant sleeping with him, and denying it to everyone. She suspected but he was always a good boyfriend to her so she never really knew. I had a chip on my shoulder and a hole in my self-esteem, and this is just the kind of stuff I would have pulled at that time.

And I, too, have felt that tug in the gut a couple of times, for "no rational reason", and EVERY TIME it turned out to be justified. I learned that your gut is often smarter than you, and rationalization can be a way of ignoring what you already know. If you are not someone with a history of being a psycho girlfriend (and considering the latitude you have given him freely in the past, it doesn't sound like it), then I would trust your gut. Let him go to her, and then let him go entirely.

This is great advice. Go with your gut. I hope everything worked out.

Thank you everyone for your opinions and ideas. I really needed to hear some of the things you've guys mentioned.

After the party, which was a blast, I suggested watching a scary flick with the three of us-boyfriend, friend girl, and girlfriend. At boyfriend's house.

He agreed.

I also budged in the idea of me staying the night...all of the sudden I was feeling awfully tired. To which he also agreed.

So, I found out she had not stayed on the couch, but on an air mattress in his room. I was very uncomfy and very vocal about this.
She did move to the living room, but I was a little upset. I mean, sleeping in the same room seems pretty...intimate to me. Even on separate beds.
He told me they would be up late, watching movies etc.etc, it was just easier that way to hang out.
But seeing how uncomfortable I was, he promised me it wouldn't happen again. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
She is a sweet, friendly girl. He has been so wonderful to me. I feel like I'm making mountains out of molehills sometimes.

I guess I really want to know now is-
Can boys and girls truly be best platonic friends?

Original Post by jellykiss:

Can boys and girls truly be best platonic friends?

 Yes. But platonic friends don't sleep over, they go for dinner, drinks, movies and then go home separately.

I can`t be best buddies with a guy unless we`ve been in a relationship before and stayed friends. Because then I know for sure why we are not meant to be, and my mind doesn`t go astray at all, on any level, when we hang out, sleepover or not.

But different things work for different people, and that`s just me.

Original Post by jellykiss:

So, I found out she had not stayed on the couch, but on an air mattress in his room. I was very uncomfy and very vocal about this.
She did move to the living room, but I was a little upset. I mean, sleeping in the same room seems pretty...intimate to me. Even on separate beds.
He told me they would be up late, watching movies etc.etc, it was just easier that way to hang out.
But seeing how uncomfortable I was, he promised me it wouldn't happen again. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
She is a sweet, friendly girl. He has been so wonderful to me. I feel like I'm making mountains out of molehills sometimes.

It is a good sign that they were both willing to modify their sleeping arrangement. It is good that he recognized how uncomfortable it made you and promised it won't happen again. For your sake, I hope he is being honest.

It's a really tough situation. I wouldn't be ok with my boyfriend in that position.. at the same time, all my closest friends are guys and I see no problem at all in sharing a room or bed with them. That's because I know where my head and my heart are, and that's with my boyfriend.

It's hard for outsiders to gauge where your boyfriend's head and heart are. That's where I say again, trust your gut. Women's intuition. Don't worry about what others think about the situation or how it may seem or whether it follows traditional rules or whatever. Just pay attention to your feelings.

1. You should have been hanging out with his 'best friend' long ago. This should not be the first or second time you have met her - unless you've only been with the guy for a month...

2. Sleeping in the same room is ok as long as your boyfriend is gay.

3. Now that she has broken up with her boyfriend she's more prone to be needy. Platonic goes away quickly in the face of rebound needy.

Tread carefully little one. There is much to be concerned about here. Depending on how long you've dated, how close you two are and how willing he is to include you in 'their' time...it might all be fine.