relationship issues

Hi all,

A while back my boyfriend and I read this book called "the five love languages". Not because we needed to, but because we were on a long car ride and I had heard from a friend that it was good book. Well anyway, if you google it you will see that there are 5 love languages, touch, talk, gifts, time, and acts. My love language is talk, and his is acts. He feels most loved when I cook and clean for him and I feel most loved when he talks with me. We read this book maybe 6 months ago.

Anywayyyyyy.....

Lately I've been spending more time at home with my roommate/best friend. While I used to spend a lot of time at his house doing thing for him/with him. I try to call and text him, but he's just not much of a talker. As you may have figured, our relationship has been suffering. He says I complain too much, I say I'm not complaining, Im just talking. I say he doesn't talk enough, he says hes listening. Things were so much better when I spent more time with him/doing things for him. And don't misinterpret, I LOVE cooking and cleaning for him. I could do it all day long. But I really need to spend time with my roomie right now, for undisclosed reasons. So what do I do? How can I show him I love him by speaking his love language when I can't be with him?

How can I do acts of service if I'm an hour away?

I haven't read that book, but I have heard a bit about it.  I think it is really important to understand how your SO shows love, but maybe its not about learning how to show love the way the other displays it, but learning how to interpret how the other displays it.  You know what I mean?  You seem to want him to talk to you more, and he wants you to do things for him more.  Maybe you guys shouldn't try to change the way you display your love for each other, but learn how to interpret what you already do more accurately. 

Really take some time to think about what acts he does that you think he might do for you to show love, and have him think about what you say to show your love.  Then, talk to each other about what you think you do to show him love and have him explain what he does to show his love(yes, this involves talking...he will just have to get over it).  This might shed some light on how you guys view things differently and your expectations.

Alternatively, if you really think he needs acts of love, perhaps you can do things outside of "cooking and cleaning".  There are plenty of other acts you can do long distance.  Such as, sending him flowers or candies(typically what a man does for a woman, but it works the other way too), ordering him something online and having it shipped to him with a sweet message(it could be something inexpensive), calling/texting/emailing just to say I love you, etc.  If he doesn't see love from those sort of acts, then he doesn't really speak the language of acts and is just lazy and wants you to do chores for him. 

Even if he doesn't want to talk, communication is key to all relationships.  He needs to explain things to you and listen while you explain things to him. 

I think you are over thinking it. In general guys don't really talk about their emotions or know how to express them well. Also they approach things from perspective of problem that needs to be solved. So what to you might be just "talk", to him it is something that you are complaining about and that he needs to solve.

UD

Original Post by shuber84:

How can I do acts of service if I'm an hour away?

Any relationship that revolves around 'acts of service' sounds doomed from the outset.  You can hire people to cook and clean....  Doesn't mean they love you.

I think what this situation is throwing up is nothing to do with 'love language' but all about 'selfishness' and 'laziness'.  i.e. that he's quite happy having you as a girlfriend when it's nice and convenient.... cleaning his place, cooking his meals, warming his bed.    But that he's not prepared to pick up the phone, get in a car or put himself out at all on your behalf. 

I would leave him to stew for a few weeks and not keep calling and texting... spend the time with your roommate and do your own thing.    You're coming across as quite clingy and needy and I think if you worked on your life independent of this man the rose-coloured spectacles of 'love' would lose their lustre and you'd start to see that this relationship is far too one-sided. 

Honestly, it sounds to me like you take the relationship more seriously than he does.  You sound SO willing to do whatever it is that he needs (according to his love language) but he doesn't seem willing to reciprocate.  Doesn't that bother you to some extent?  I mean, if the relationship is only good when you are doing things for him, that isn't a good sign. 

Also, it seems like these relationship problems didn't start until you stopped spending so much time with him and doing things for him.  It sounds like you are a very good friend to your roommate, and this is something important that you have to do.  If he can't understand that, there is a problem as well.

However, we do have limited details of the situation, so this could be all off the mark. 

Original Post by umneydurak:

I think you are over thinking it. In general guys don't really talk about their emotions or know how to express them well. Also they approach things from perspective of problem that needs to be solved. So what to you might be just "talk", to him it is something that you are complaining about and that he needs to solve.

UD

Exactly - guys think logical..."what can I fix - how can I fix it"?  The emotional side is where we struggle (although I think its there we just dont access it as much).  My 2 cents worth!

Dave

Guys think:

Oh, she's bringing up a problem.  Well, if she's talking about it, it must be bugging her.  So, let's fix the problem so it doesn't bug her anymore, because just talking about it while doing nothing about it isn't going to solve anything, because she'll just bring it up again tomorrow, because she hasn't done anything to fix the problem and, for some reason, she gets annoyed when I try to fix it for her.  Having something to complain/whine/kvetch about must be an integral part of the feminine psyche, since she doesn't want to do anything about what she's complaining about, she just wants to complain, and if I fix the problem, I take that away from her.  But, she really tugs at my heartstrings when she complains and I want to help her fix the problem, but that only causes her to say something like: "You're not listening to me" or "You don't care."

Screw it, dude.  Let's go bowling.

Original Post by dnrothx:

Guys think:

Oh, she's bringing up a problem.  Well, if she's talking about it, it must be bugging her.  So, let's fix the problem so it doesn't bug her anymore, because just talking about it while doing nothing about it isn't going to solve anything, because she'll just bring it up again tomorrow, because she hasn't done anything to fix the problem and, for some reason, she gets annoyed when I try to fix it for her.  Having something to complain/whine/kvetch about must be an integral part of the feminine psyche, since she doesn't want to do anything about what she's complaining about, she just wants to complain, and if I fix the problem, I take that away from her.  But, she really tugs at my heartstrings when she complains and I want to help her fix the problem, but that only causes her to say something like: "You're not listening to me" or "You don't care."

Screw it, dude.  Let's go bowling.

 I've never heard truer words. lol. That is definately how he feels. Except maybe rock climbing instead of bowling, lmao.

In response to some posts that say that I care more, or I do more, or that he is lazy or selfish:

This could never be further from the truth.

He does things for me. Acts. He fixed the sink, put down new tile in the bathroom, fixed the light over the sink, fixed the downstairs toilet, drives and hour to see me multiple times per week, etc etc etc, he supports me endlessly through his acts. He also compromises for me, intensely. I have had his best friend and his mother both tell me that they have never seen him talk as much as he does as when he is with me. He tells me time and time again that he has never talked to another human being as much as he has with me. Another compromise? My favorite food is sushi, it makes him violently ill, but you know what? For a while he was sucking it up and going until I found out he was throwing up, and thats when I told him he was being rediculous and we didn't have to get sushi every time we go out just because it's my favorite. He loves me very, very much, this I know for sure.

gi-jane - Your love language is most obviously not acts. And thats perfectly fine. But understand that yes, we can hire people to cook and clean for us, and no, it doesn't mean they love us, but at the same time we know that because they are not doing those acts for us with love in their hearts. The key isn't the act itself, but the motivation behind it. I cook and clean for him because I love to, because he loves it and I love his love. And of course I like food and a clean house. lol. I don't believe that he is my boyfriend when it is convienent, he bends over backwards for me, and I, at times, have a hard time realizing that because I would much prefer him to just tell me he loves me. I would think it would be so much easier, but apparently not for him.

hotfuss - I think you are on the right track. He really loves it when I write him letters. Even though I think it's completely unecessary, he has put every letter I've ever written him on the fridge. Anything I doodle on a napkin, he keeps. lol. Yet he needs to learn to have the patience to sit and listen when I have something to say.

Okay, I think I've taken a lot from this thread. Thank you everyone for your help. : )

Shuber,

I love that book.  My love language is acts of service too!  Hubby's Love language is gifts.  So, ours are pretty close.  It can be hard what SO needs are bc we are so trained to show our love in our own love language.  I clean, pick out his clothes, help him get ready for work, etc because this is how I show my love.  He doesn't mind this, but when I bring home a small "thinking of you" gift, he goes nuts. 

BC you live a bit away, this one can be difficult.  I think love notes are a really good idea.  I LOVE those.  How often do you visit him?  Maybe when you do, you could really set it up, and then in btw those times you can stick with those notes? 

As for your needs, maybe you could read the book together once more to remind him that while he is trying to show his love by acts of service (fixing things for you etc) what you really needs is more talking/textings ect.  Sometimes we simply forget!!

Have you explained to your boyfriend why you need to spend time with your roommate? If not, I could understand why he feels left out in the cold. But if you have explained this to him, does he understand? What does he say about it? Does he complain?

Maybe you could try to see eachother more often, if that is possible. If you feel you still need to be with your roommate, would it be possible for him to come over for a weekend day so you could spend time with both of them? Even if it isn't intimate time together, he may just want some time with you. If you enjoy, and show your love, by doing chores, then have him bring over a load of laundry that you could wash, fold, and/or iron.

I also agree that little presents in the mail would be sweet.

Original Post by shuber84:

 I've never heard truer words. lol. That is definately how he feels. Except maybe rock climbing instead of bowling, lmao.

In response to some posts that say that I care more, or I do more, or that he is lazy or selfish:

This could never be further from the truth.

He does things for me. Acts. He fixed the sink, put down new tile in the bathroom, fixed the light over the sink, fixed the downstairs toilet, drives and hour to see me multiple times per week, etc etc etc, he supports me endlessly through his acts. He also compromises for me, intensely. I have had his best friend and his mother both tell me that they have never seen him talk as much as he does as when he is with me. He tells me time and time again that he has never talked to another human being as much as he has with me. Another compromise? My favorite food is sushi, it makes him violently ill, but you know what? For a while he was sucking it up and going until I found out he was throwing up, and thats when I told him he was being rediculous and we didn't have to get sushi every time we go out just because it's my favorite. He loves me very, very much, this I know for sure.

gi-jane - Your love language is most obviously not acts. And thats perfectly fine. But understand that yes, we can hire people to cook and clean for us, and no, it doesn't mean they love us, but at the same time we know that because they are not doing those acts for us with love in their hearts. The key isn't the act itself, but the motivation behind it. I cook and clean for him because I love to, because he loves it and I love his love. And of course I like food and a clean house. lol. I don't believe that he is my boyfriend when it is convienent, he bends over backwards for me, and I, at times, have a hard time realizing that because I would much prefer him to just tell me he loves me. I would think it would be so much easier, but apparently not for him.

hotfuss - I think you are on the right track. He really loves it when I write him letters. Even though I think it's completely unecessary, he has put every letter I've ever written him on the fridge. Anything I doodle on a napkin, he keeps. lol. Yet he needs to learn to have the patience to sit and listen when I have something to say.

Okay, I think I've taken a lot from this thread. Thank you everyone for your help. : )

It's this kind of information I was referring to in the last line of my first post :)  I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend cherishes you just as much as you do him.  That did not come across in your OP.  I think the best thing you can do at this point is accept that he is more of a listener than a talker...you aren't going to change that, so I wouldn't even bother mentioning it to him.  It will only make him feel inadequate.  That being said, the lines of communication do need to be opened on a different from.  One thing you might want to do is ask him to explain why he thinks you are complaining (when he says you are).  Ask him what specifically it is that you are doing that seems like complaining.  Sometimes when we are talking the other party perceives things the wrong way.  It is likely just some sort of miscommunication. It is, perhaps, something that can be corrected. 

Good luck!