My relationship, I need help

I'm married about 5 years now and have 2 kids.  My husband has jealousy issues or some kind of complex where he accuses me of cheating on him or trying to be away from him.  I work a regular 40 hour job plus take care of my kids and am home almost all the time other than running my regular errands.  Like on my lunch breaks I go walking/running at a very close park and he has been accusing me of seeing someone and yet, because I have NOT been seeing anyone, not now or ever, he doesn't have anything to go on and I'm getting SICK and TIRED of this crap.  I tell him as much and then he just says I'm trying to not look guilty or whatever.  Nothing I ever say does any good.  He wants me to come home for lunch where I MIGHT see him for 15-20 minutes and I really feel like this lunch time is ME time and a good time for me to fit exercise into my schedule.  I feel like he wants me under his thumb and if he can't see what I'm dong every second of the day than automatically it MUST be because I'm cheating.  I'm tired of fighting this but I don't want to seperate because we have kids and for one I just don't have the money to go out on my own and it's not like I'd get anything out of a divorce.

I feel like my husband is manipulative and controlling.  Is there anything I can do to at least stop the stupid accusations?  Other than letting him win by coming home for lunch?  Which I do most days out of the year already because I can't walk in all weather.

oh what to say! i don't know, but I just had to respond with thoughts...

Its always tough in relationships as the evolution happens. All relationships evolve and change and both people have to learn to adapt... it always has to be a 2 way street. He shouldnt be feeling insecure, and you shouldnt be feeling micromanaged. There is a disconnect.  You coming home for lunch is just geography. It doesn't get to the source of the flow... ya know?

You have to be able to calmly talk about each other's concerns. There's a reason he's feeling insecure or threatened... (unless its just some wierd coverup for his own extracurricular activities... if you know what I mean. You never know, but you need to explore every possibility. I doubt that's it... he'd probably recoil instead of becoming overbearing.)  People just do strange things under stress, or pressure, or fear, or guilt... dunno. Has anything else changed?

Kids always bring added stress to a relationship, and many couples need to build in some quality time sans kids to preserve all the reasons you chose each other in the first place. Sometimes people just need to kindle what started the flame, instead of going through the motions of playing house.  The daily grind can cause us to lose our vision, and you need to make sure you're still walking down the same path, in the same direction, still hand-in-hand. You should be happier together than if you were to separate. There should be more good days than bad on the calendar. Just do a little evaluation about what has changed, and when.

I don't know your situation, and im just shooting from the hip here... but for most guys, the most crucial thing in a relationship is appreciation. Men want to feel needed and women need to feel wanted... ya know? Sometimes resentment can build up and manifest itself in peculiar ways. I've heard of so many men that got so sick of getting nagged at that they put the dishes away in the wrong spot, that they just stopped emptying the dishwasher... then they get nagged at for not doing anything anymore.  It builds. People end up shouting when they don't feel heard...

I don't know... I definetly don't have all the answers.  I just know that at any point, if you're not sure where you are, you gotta look back and see where you came from and if somebody took a wrong turn somewhere without realizing it. It can't be that you can fix everything in his world, ya know? Its a partnership and you need to have the same goals... be building for the same end product. You need to be one unit, especially when you have kids around looking up to you. You are setting the example of marriage for them. Your relationship will effect how they are in a relationship when they are older. What they see and hear is what they know.

You know that this isn't your fault, and I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. It might make his reactions harsher if he feels under attack, but you're simply retaliating for the false accusations he's putting on you. You're just trying to do the right thing, and haven't done anything wrong... yet you, as women usually are, are being the proactive one insearch of the solutions because your family depends on you. It's a tremendously frustrating and daunting task, I know!

I would just see if you can pinpoint any change. Has he gained weight? Have you lost weight? Did he used to play sports or have a hobby that isn't present anymore? Is there a financial struggle that maybe he feels responsible for, and by extension, somehow inadequate now? Is he the breadwinner or has your income surpassed his? I would just look for anything he might be feeling emasculated by... usually the testosterone comes out like that when their masculinity is threatened in someway.  Not really how the caveman pounds his chest if someone else sniffs at his doe, but just in the way men can react these days to modern pressures if he feels threatened or insecure.

I don't know... I feel your pain. He may not even know what's changed, but if you don't work on it together, his behavior WILL push you away... and THAT's probably his biggest fear. You gotta keep me updated. i don't know if anything I said was helpful but just know you're not alone... ok chica? :) Sorry to ramble.

Wow, thanks for taking the time to give your lengthy response.  It was good to hear someone else's thoughts on the situation. You may be right about a couple of things that make my husband insecure - I have lost 15 lbs. and I barely make more than he does...I even tried to hide it from him but somehow he found out - I guess he was being nosy and looking at a pay stub of mine.  I was trying to protect him because I knew it was kind of a big deal to him back when HE last got a raise that pushed his income level above mine.  And I know he complains about how he hates that he can't do more for us financially (I could argue he WON'T because he could be working more hours or take on a part time job). 
He's always saying I am the controlling one and I do feel like I have to be in control but it's partly because I don't feel like he has very good judgement.  For example, I handle the bills because I'm more responsible and sensible with our money than he is.  He realizes this and says he appreciates the fact that I take care of this are.  I dont' really have any other examples of being controlling - oh I guess I should mention that he DOESN't appreciate it when he comes to me with some large unnecessary purchase he wants to make and I have to tell him NO we can't afford it.   And I'm the big bad controlling wife.  He really resents me putting my foot down especially when he's really wanting to buy something. And he's been really upset and blames ME because we haven't been able to buy a house.  He says I'm TRYING to keep us in this rent house...which I would LOVE to get out of...

I guess all in all we still have good days, bad days and just okay days, but I don't know that I'll always be able to put up with some of his crap.  I kind of had the mind set that I made my bed so I should lie in it  - in other words I wouldn't just run for a divorce at the drop of a hat. I realize I probably should have dated him longer before we got together so I could have seen more of the real person he is and then I wouldn't be in this marriage.  Hate to say that when you've got 2 beautiful kids with the person though!  And all in all we do love each other...it's just this stupid bull**** gets old and it's hard to look past it. 

OK, 

This so resonates with me and I think I have even sent messages in on the forums sections on this as well. 

My husband is also very jealous. So, I manage it. 

I tell him prior to any occasion where I might be out of hand or not reachable that I am and when I will be able to call him. If I am going running at lunch then tell him in the morning before work and say - I am gonna run the 6 mile loop at lunch. 

If he does start the I am seeing someone I have a few comebacks - 

1. Yeah, like I would love to complicate my already very uncomplicated life -- uh-huh, yeah right.

2. Well, if you want to think that I can not stop you but I am not so you can stop wasting your brain power.

3. (I just give him a screwed up facial expression)

I have come down to reasoning that in my case my husband loves his life and does not want to lose it yet he is very afraid of losing it so in some screwed up way he invents the way that it will end. 

Good Luck. It is  a pain. 

Cawilder, thanks for your response.  It's nice to know that other people have to deal with this kind of pain, and yes I think it all boils down to is like you said basically, they are insecure and afraid.