relationships & weight

how do any of you deal with being in a new(ish) relationship at a weight where you're unhappy? i had never been in a relationship at a weight where i'm uncomfortable, but right now i am, and i'm finding myself extremely self conscious and not being able to enjoy the "perks" of being in a relationship because i really don't like him seeing me without my clothes.

i made the mistake of mentioning this insecurity to him, and he pretty much said that i can lose weight if i'm uncomfortable and that i'm not bad looking, both of which i'm aware of and didn't make me feel better at all. i'm 5' 4" and 124lbs, so i thought i was doing pretty well.... but i feel like **** because the best i can get is "not bad looking." i should probably mention that this guy is really sweet (i swear), but he wouldn't lie just to make me feel better.

could i get some encouragement from the lovely CCers and perhaps any techniques or things you do to make yourself feel sexy? thanks guys, it's been a really rough night for me

First off, from looking at your pictures you are effin' gorgeous and have nothing to worry about. However, I understand how you feel. When I first started dating my fiance, aware of the fact that I was 10 pounds heavier than my normal (I'm 5' 6" and most comfy at 120-125) and anyway I asked him if he would like if I lost weight, and if so how much. I really shouldn't have asked, haha, he said he loves me the way I am etc, but I pried out of him that he thought if I lost like 5 pounds I would be more attractive.

Well, I lost the weight and am more comfortable with my body now, but I still have insecurity in that department, especially with my stomach. I have a little bit of a pooch that I have always hated but you just navigate around it by telling yourself that you are hot and when he says it to you, BELIEVE IT! It is a mental thing, I swear.

 

If you want to feel sexier, splurge on yourself a little, thats what I do when I feel kind of down on myself. Buy sexy lingerie or a new shade of lipgloss. I love just getting new lotion or anything small...painting my nails, anything that you feel will perk you up a little, you deserve it!

 

I think that you are beautiful, I hope you feel better soon :)

Thanks for the encouragement - I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only person this has happened to. I kind of feel like, how could he have not given me the answer i wanted to hear?? But I guess some people don't give in to that sort of thing.

The thing is, I do spend a bit of time each day to look at my body and acknowledge that there are parts of it that I do like, and I feel like his comments today just set me back a few steps. I ended up writing an email kind of explaining why I was upset, and I do understand why he said what he did, but it wasn't corresponding to my needs.

Also, though, I want to be losing this weight for myself, and not for anyone else, you know? Now I feel like I should work out tomorrow morning to prove to him that I'm working hard at it. I do need to acknowledge that part of my body image issue is mental, though, and when I believe it, I'm sure I'll carry myself with more confidence, which in itself is pretty sexy.

I've never been at a weight where I'm comfortable (except maybe when I went from 245lbs to 147lbs & couldn't get my head around the fact that guys were noticing me!) Now, after two kids & six years of co-habiting I went up to 180+, trying to get back to 147-odd lbs. Anyway, my poor hubby is the opposite to your new partner, he's forever reassuring me that I'm attractive in his eyes & he wouldn't want a skinny-ma-link with no curves (THank God for me! LOL!) and that my shape is because I've made two beautiful babies! He's a darling, but I know myself I want to lose the extra weight because I want to feel good on his arm? I want other guys to notice me and think 'Isn't he lucky'? I also want to fit into my pre-baby clothes that are just hanging in the wardrobe! So I understand that you want to do it for yourself, but don't be too hard on him, he's trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear so you don't think he's a wishy-washy guy who'll say anything to please you! Appreciate his honesty, but tell him you need to be reassured that he finds you attractive regardless of your weight? To be your weight is unimaginable to someone my size!

If you don't want to hear the wrong answer... don't ask the question in the first place.  Seriously... ask any man 'would I be more attractive if I was slimmer?' and he's in a no-win situation.  If he says 'yes' you're upset.  If he says 'no' he'll be chalked up as dishonest.  If he didn't think you were attractive, he wouldn't be going out with you.  That's his perspective.   If you want to keep him, don't send any more e-mails about 'corresponding with your needs'....  it's way too scary/heavy/emotional if you've only just started dating.

The 'sexiest' qualities in a woman are self-assurance, confidence, a relaxed approach to intimacy, a sense of fun, a ready smile or a laugh ....   Not all that much to do with looks or size.   Go for good grooming and great dressing to make the best of your good points.  Ignore your bad points.  Best of luck.

I absolutely 100% agree with every word Gi-Jane said. I know because I used to be THE MOST insecure person on the planet lol. (maybe not but dang was I insecure). I hated every single inch of my body. Every bit of it. There wasnt a single part of my body I could look at and think "that looks ok".

Something snapped in me though about 3 weeks ago when I was reading through the CC forums. The women here are SO sweet and uplifting and confident. Somehow I started believing the things they said. I dont even know how it happened but it did and I am SO thankful! I remember waking up one morning not too long ago and I looked in the mirror for the first time in probably 10 years and thought "daaang girl, you look good!" and I really thought I was hotstuff lol. I could see every lump and bump and all the cellulite from my hip to my knee and the stretch marks all over my derrier but you know what, thats just ME! And I love me. I'm the only me I have, :P and if I dont love me, who's gonna?

And do you know what I have found?? Every man and his best friend wants me! lol. I thought confidence was invisible but its NOT! haha. People see it even when you aren't focusing on showing it. I was checking out in the grocery store line  and this man came up to me and ask if I was single and told me how beautiful I was. *my jaw dropped* I couldnt believe it was happening. But when you are uncomfortable with yourself, it shows too. And it's apparently not attractive. People would tell me that but I didnt realize how true it was. Try to focus on all of your good points. Tell yourself nice things. Try to love yourself no matter what your weight is. That is the sexiest thing about you! Your smile and the joy you bring to him. He obviously likes you or he wouldn't take the time so let that help you feel sexy!

wow, thanks so much for the responses! This was the best thing I could possibly wake up to this morning. I feel like I'm usually a pretty confident person, but I'm going through a transition period in my life where I've begun second guessing a lot of things. He's been there before to talk with me when I'm worried about other things (graduating college, accepting a job in NYC!), but I should have realized that this is something I've just got to work out on my own, and asking my partner wasn't the best idea. Now I guess I'll just have to show him that I'm happy with myself, and go back to enjoying the fun of being in a relationship!

Thank you so much for these great replies. It's really helpful to hear these things from people who aren't as close to the situation because they hold a certain degree of logic that is hard to accept from friends and family.

Cheers to a great community and feeling sexy =)

i was at that point a bit after me and my boyfriend started dating. i was pretty underweight when we first started dating but we would make a lot of food together and i started gaining. i got back up to 115 which is actually what i should weigh but i felt VERY uncomfortable at that weight and hated being around him naked.

he basically told me that he was comfortable with me at whatever weight i wanted to be at and although he couldn't say that he was into bigger girls i was no where near close to being big. that helped a bit i guess.

i don't really know what to say. i just had to suffer through it until i started feeling comfortable.

well, maybe it's the leo in me, but if my guy ever told me i was "not bad looking" i'd tell him to BEAT IT and find myself a guy who made me feel HOT!

5'4 and 124 is not only a healthy weight, it's the slim side of healthy!

and what meggo said it so dead on, confidence is attractive! lately i've been trying to change the way i look at myself when i look in the mirror. we have a big full length in the bathroom here at work, and i used to focus on what i didn't like. now everytime i look, i pick out something i LOVE, and i smile at myself! sounds silly, but it makes me feel great.

you are gorgeous Christyjoy, and if your guy doesn't appreciate it, you can do better. work out and eat healthy to make yourself feel good, but love who you are now!

Its all about confidence, like has been reiterated here. To be honest, I was relieved to see your topic. I'm a newish relationship as well and am unhappy about my weight, but push forth a confident attitude and ususally keep the insecurity to myself. It felt weird the second I let on to my insecurity to my boyfriend. He insists that I'm gorgeous and if anything- just wants me healthy and happy.

I have to agree with jules-if your boyfriend isn't making you feel appreciated and beautiful like you are, there's a better guy out there for you. Course, we don't know the full story and from your substatement that he's really sweet, I hope that he does make you feel wonderful :)

why don't you exercise with him?

my b/f is great he loves me so much as i am but love the thought of me bing a bit smaller. in fact that's all he has asked for for christmas. and i reality it has nothing to do with whether i get down to the weight he just wan't me to think i can be MORE beautiful and that i'm happy and proud after i exercise and eat good food. Make it into something fun and you can enjoy the progress together. use him to bulid your confidence, try and ingnor they way you feel and hang on to the little comments like 'oh your bottom feels smaller today!'

Good luck i'm sure you'll get there.

I am engaged and NEVER felt confortable completely with him, even after losing 15lbs. I was actually starting to feel good recently, until I gained about 5 lbs in one WEEK for some reason...

Ok, rant aside. It is definitely a psychological issue. I know in my head that guys think I am sexy, but for some reason I don't feel sexy about the one person that loves me. Weird huh?

So I guess I am saying I understand, but sadly I have no advice for you. Except that I think you're very lovely in your photos!

Listen to gi-jane. I can also tell you my personal story regarding this topic. When I started here in June of last year I was 176 lbs. That's the weight I was also prior to having my third child and the weight I was when I met her father. He has said he was attracted to my personality. We clicked big time. He is a very honest man and told me from the begininng that he prefered slimmer and more tone women. He is now my HUSBAND, we were married in October of 2006, nine months before I started here at CC. I am trying to loose weight for myself AND him. Thank goodness he is a patient man and is nothing but supportive of my weight loss process and loves that I have lost and kept off what I have lost.

Bottom line is that when a man wants to be with you, he wants to be with you just the way you are. 

It's been so great reading everyone's responses and stories! It feels good to know that both his statement and my reaction weren't completely out of line, but there are positive ways people have dealt with the situation.

The whole "incident" (which wasn't really an incident, but was completely blown up in my own mind) has really given me some new motivation (especially in my food choices and portion sizes) and has given me a new perspective on checking my own attitude toward my whole weight loss journey. I need to stop thinking about my imperfections and just know that I'm sexy through this whole process, even if I haven't hit that goal weight yet!

I've loved all of the advice and am quite thankful for this community =)