Relationships what we do wrong! The skills you need to make it work.

For most westerners, we leave our relationship to chance. Everything else is planned, education, careers, finances, retirement, but we are still uncomfortable with the thought that we should also plan our love lives. For centuries, romantic love was view as a form of madness, passion wasn't considered a legitimate reason for marriage until recent times.

Why is the emphasis on passion? It starts with fairy tales. They hold some resilient myths. The one of happy ever after, for example, gives us the expectations of what is supposed to happen, these are near impossible to meet. Another is "The One" which is very destructive. We believe "The One" is out there. We think that once we find them they will never change nor will we.

These are what make us select our partner. If we think we love someone right away, you're in love with an idealised version of them. The myths encourage us to look for sparks flying, but this kind of relationship almost always end in bits. Also when our expectations of that person aren't met - when they cheat, gain weight or stop sleeping with us, we react badly with depression or anger. Very rarely do we put the effort in to keep it going.

Some 60% of the world marriages are arranged by someone, dating agency, parents. Half of these learn to love each other over time. A study conducted found that those who married for "Love" love started to fade after just 2yrs but those in arranged  marriages love grew for about 5yrs. After 10yrs those in arranged marriages, their relationships were twice as strong. This is a comparison it is not suggesting that arranged marriages should be the thing.

Physical attraction is important early on but you must be-able to know the difference between Lust and Love.

To take control of you relationships you first have to accept there is no such thing as "The one". The soul mate myth is rubbish, and harmful.

It's not possible to fall in love with just anyone, but there are people with whom we could create a lasting love with. For this to work you need to be compatible and somewhat attracted to each other. With those basic requirements-that each of us share with most likely thousands of others, two people can learn to love, but the must make a commitment to do so, and they must not date others whilst trying to do so. Also for it to work they engage in love promoting activities, which encourage openness, and fondness for each other.

We need to think whether we believe love is a magical, mystical thing over which we have no control, or if we can accept that there are skills we can learn to help us. Studies in Mexico, Italy and UK found neurological, chemical correlates when people are in the state of Love, mental health professionals developed powerful tools for fostering love, and professionals are getting more accurate in their predicting success in relationships.

So what skills do you need to make it work: (these are for both not just one of you)

Communication: This is very important, learning how to listen, sharing thoughts and feelings honestly, refraining from criticism, but instead encouraging your partner.

Conflict Resolution:  Staying focused on the topic, staying focused on the present, being willing to forgive and or apologise, know when to take a break.

Knowledge of Partner: Knowing as much as you can about your partner is a powerful way of showing that you care and helps you be better equipped to meet their ongoing needs.

Life skills: Planning for an emergency, staying fit. Studies show that people want their partner to contribute to the security of the relationship and they also want them to take good care of themselves.

Self-Management: Not the same as life skills. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses and always striving to improve them. Seeing disturbing events in positive ways.

Sex and Romance: You need to enquire and care about how to please your partner, set aside time for intimacy, don't blame when sex doesn't go smoothly, and try and stay physically attractive for your partner.

Stress management: learn how to manage stress. if you know how to fend off stress, you'll be better able to love and support your partner.

source: Dr Robert Epstein/ psychologies magazine

just what i needed to hear today! thanks :)

Hope it offers you some help, I found it quite interesting and see a few places where I fall down :))

wow, that is a great article!

When me and my OH hit quite a difficut patch I got help first from a book recommended by Hkellick called "Too bad to stay, too good to leave", that helped me to decide whether I wanted to walk away from the situation or whether I wanted to commit to working things out.

Then together we worked through a programme from the books "seven questions to ask before (and after) you marry". - A Christian orientated book but even the most non-religious people can take the practical advice.  You read the chapters seperately and then come togther to discuss, do the quizzes, answer questions etc.  It's focus is that men and women are fundamentally different and the right skills and understanding we will not be able to live happily ever after with the opposite sex.

This is a very good post and something a lot of people need to seriously consider.

These principles also apply to friendships and family relationships.  I think people have this disillusioned sense that their relationship has to be perfect and conflict-free to be good.  I think it is spillover from "the one" type of thinking--that a "good" relationship has to be effortless.  A lot of people are content to just write someone off after conflicts and disagreements, whether that be in a romantic relationship or friendship, which is really sad.

Good post however, saying there is no soulmate or the "the one" I'll have to agree to disagree with this one. Many people profess to having found there soulmate or "the one." I haven't but I'm still hopeful

^^#5 totally agree with you there, no relationship is straight forward, and too many walk away at the first hurdle.

i too also struggle with that term 'the one'. just doesn't sound right, kind of like an ownership or something. "the one", the one what? 

an old flatmate of mine got into an argument over sting's interview with oprah. sting & his, "i knew the first time that i saw her that i was going to marry her" or what ever he said. how can you possibly know if you love someone by looking at them? in fact that kind of love would be insulting to me, as i would want to be loved for being myself. in which case you have to know me!!!!

12+ years in a relationship, i would agree with the relationship skills above. you can't possibly work on all areas the same time but you have to be willing to work on some most of the time.  like for some people working on stress means that they may not be able to work on the sex/romance part. or once & awhile you will need to work on yourself & take time away from your partner's daily needs. communication, always have to work on that. i use the term 'work' loosely.  but i do love to work on the sex part!!!

although there is something somewhat 'mystical' about love. but all different types of relationships need work to be mutually fulfilling.

I totally agree........I was first married at 21 because we were in love. In less than 3 yrs, we were divorced. I'm getting married again, and I swear...this was the most planned out relationship ever. The week we met, we discussed marriage and kids. Two years later, here we are with the plan in motion.

It was kind of nice before not being worried about anything, not planning for anything. Ya' know....ignorance is bliss. On the other hand, I know I'm getting a man that will be with me for a lifetime and can offer me everything I need.

I got married at 20 because I was in love. My husband was 36 at the time. Over three years later, and we're still in love :) Just last night, just before he drifted off to sleep, he whispered to me, "You can't imagine how happy I am with you and how much I love you!" I guess I must say I do believe in "The One". We met online, lived on two different continents, had totally different lives. In order to be together, we had to fight our respective families, and overcome hundreds of hurdles, including stupid immigration rules and regulations. I haven't hesiatated for even a second. I just knew it was worth it. I don't know how I knew. He proposed to me online, three weeks after we met, for goodness' sake! :D Call it fate, call it destiny, call it whatever you want to call it.

He is The One. And I'm his :) That's for sure.

Original Post by agaffka:

including stupid immigration rules and regulations.

He is The One. And I'm his :) That's for sure.

 ugh, we have had immigration issues from practically the beginning of our relationship, NOT FUN! so i feel for ya. but im sure you both work at being together & having a wonderful relationship, altho when you really care for someone its not really "work"-"work", but you have to put in the time in.

i still have a problem with the term 'the one' only because it sounds like ownership.  but for a solid relationship i think you need a balance of practicality/skills & mysticism/romance. the first to keep you grounded when life throws its hurdles & the latter for the deep connection you don't feel for anyone else in your life but your partner.

I think that there are four fundamental qualities that a lasting relationship needs.

Honesty, Respect, Trust and Compassion.

If one of these qualities are lost most of the others follow suite. Passion isn't one of them. Passion can be defined as Love, Hate or Lust, an unpredictable fluctuation of emotion. Compassion on the other hand is the strong desire to alleviate the suffering of another.

agaffka, you met online and you lived on different continents, so I would assume from that, that to start with you built your relationship on communication, gaining knowledge of each other, two of the key skills so I would view your marriage as described above which is probably why it is still going from strength to strength. It couldn't be built on passion because it wasn't visual-actual at the start. I too don't go with "The One" in the way it is meant here, yes he's the one because you married him but not in any mystical fantasy sense. I would say that you both picked each other as the best match based on conversations and learning about each other.

meat-pillow- way-to-go you missed the point :)) it's not that you can't have passion in your marriage more you if that is the first thing you feel when you meet someone then you should step back because it is most likely lust you are feeling.

coffincritter: they aren't advocating arranged marriages they were using them as an example of how to pick your best match and the fact that half of them last.

I agree with the entire OP.  It something my husband and I discuss often in regard to raising our two daughters with realistic expectations of love and life parnerships.

On the other hand, he and I stumbled into each other and made each other miserable for over a year before we took a break, thought it over, and both decided we wanted to be with the other for the rest of our lives.  We're still working on that list - especially the communication skills.  You obviously don't have to have a plan in order for things to work out.

I totally agree that there isn't only one person for me.  He is "the one" because I made the decision that he would be.  And, of course, there is no happily ever after.  Or, as quoted in my profile, "There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."

At its center, this article seems to have the same advice that is at the heart of most advice about relationships: communication.  You need to communicate and communicate well with your partner.  That helps the conflict resolution, and knowing your partner, and the romance and sex, and almost everything else. 

I don't know if arranged marriages are better than ones children choose for themselves.  I know I like having the choice to be in a relationship or not, although there is something to be said to take a step back and plan rather than rush in.   Fairy tales teach girls that Prince Charming will come and swoop in, put a young lady on his horse, marry her and everything will be happy ever after - and that is not the reality.  Dinsey relationships don't really exist.  You have to be willing to put the effort in.  It's not magically happily ever after. 

I don't know if I believe that there is "the one," but when you have opened yourself up to loving another person deeply, it sure feels that way (ask me how I know).  :)  I also believe that you can love more than one person in your life - which means that there can be more than one "the one." 

I agree beanie, but having read so many "help with my relationship" threads on here I thought it might help someone. And I also agree that way too many of us ladies think of the fantasy marriage, thinking it will all be happy ever after.....you got to work at it!

I would like to add one other thing to your list....Consideration. When you are always considerate of your partner's feelings and are applying the Golden Rule, there is much less conflict in general, and this helps along many of the other aspects. It's difficult to feel romantic towards someone who seems to not care less about keeping you waiting, or taking you for granted, is inconsiderate in any number of ways.

I have had it both ways - I've been with a partner who takes and takes and never gives (ended thank goodness) and now I am with someone who is so incredibly considerate of me, and really really appreciates how considerate I am of him...and vice versa. It's wonderful.

And about there not being The One...I feel bad for people who never find the kind of love that makes you feel like this person is The One! I recognize that our compatibility and the fact that we do not take our relationship for granted, but rather nurture it and appreicate eachother, probably has a lot to do with this feeling...it is not something that appeared instantly, it is something that has grown and blossomed since really getting to know eachother and spending enough time together to really know eachother and what we are like in many different kinds of situations. It's not magic...but it feels so good it seems like it must be!