restricting, binging, self injury, but why repeat the pattern?

I don't know how things got so messed up and I have no idea how to fix them.  Untrue, I know what I should do, but can't seem to do it.

I've been restricting quite a bit, lost a bit of weight, which I like, but am aware is a slippery slope with my history of anorexia.  In any case, last night I binged - it was awful: bagel, pb, 2 bowls of cereal, 2 pkts 100 calorie twinkies, and leftover indian food.  It was probably one of my worst moments.  Today I'm back in my "restrictive mode" having only taken in about 250 calories.  I know what sets me up for binging, but feel unable/scared to eat properly, i.e., follow my meal plan because I'm afraid to gain weight!  To make matters worse, I felt the need to "punish" myself for binging by self injuring, i.e., cutting.

I see many posts about binging, etc. and have read the different suggestions, but would like to start a "conversation" about what gets in the way of actually putting the suggestions into practice.  Also I'm curious if there is anyone else out there struggling with SI.  I'm not asking for war stories, because that tends to be triggering... but, just want to hear I'm not alone!

"What gets in the way"...?   What you describe is a mental illness.  A mental illness will get in the way of all kinds of normal, rational behaviour.  I'm sure you're not alone but any 'conversation' you have should be with a doctor if it's to be productive....  and not just whistling into the wind.

I do suffer from "mental illness", I know this.  I have a recurrent depressive disorder, underlying personality disorders, and an eating disorder.  I do see a psychiatrist, therapist, and nutritionist for this.

I just wish.......I was normal and didn't have all these wacky thoughts that prevent me from doing the RATIONAL things. 

I guess I just want to hear that I'm not alone. 

you're not alone!... you're not. i suffer something very similar. I have a thing (so awfully named) called borderline personality disorder. reasons for it vary with ppl but it an extremely difficult disorder and mindset to be stuck in.

i too suffered with anorexia, after losing a little but of weight, anorexia took hold when i felt i had finally begun to feel some control. self harm played a big role too if i binged. I was furious if i had allowed myself to lose control, yet i struggled to to stop getting myself into situations where this happened. ie: I hated binging, i hated it. but i did it, so i could punish myself. i hated that i punished myself but i couldn stop myself from going there.

I couldn stand the emptiness. i could manage feeling "good and in control" with anorexia, and i could cope with feeling "furious and out of control" with binging and self harm.... but i cant stand the emptiness i feel in between. this in-between state is normality for most ppl. but for some one with borderline there is incredible emotional dysregulation and problematic relationships and impulsive behaviours which all add to the washing machine effect in your head.

This is not your fault. But how you progress is your responsibility. I have come so far this past year. i really have. I am back at college, I am studying, i am integrating with friends and clubs and even Boys.... though this is all incredibly difficult and challenging it is way better than where i was a year ago.

I met a great psychologist who has been working with me, in particular with a therarpy specialised for borderline called "DBT" - dialectical behavioral therapy. i dunno where you are based... but im in ireland, which would be a little behind in stuff like this. the UK and US have many psychologists  that work in this area. there is help and there is hope. It is possible to slow things down, and begin to get on a more normal track

you are not alone

Thanks so much for the response, (((fidget))))

I also was told I have bpd (it is a rather awful name).  I've been in DBT programs on and off, but have difficulty integrating the concepts into practice.  I don't know if that's an issue of willfulness, to use the correct terminology, or if perhaps it just is not the right approach for me.  Right now I work with a therapist who uses a rather psychodymanic approach.  I find it helpful to just lay everything out on the table, all my thoughts, distortions, urges, etc. to take the power out of them.

I am much more "functional" than I used to be.... For awhile no one thought I could live outside an institution, but I was in the hospital for the anorexia in 2002 and the social worker pushed me to get out into the world instead of going back to the long term facility I had been transferred from.  I've had my ups and downs since, but feel as though I am living a fairly normal life aside from what goes on in my head!  I did finish my college degree in 2006, but have struggled since with feeling incapable of a proper job and have relapsed quite severely into anorexia at times.

Right now, my body is healthy, but feel as though my mind has to catch up.  I was working for a RECORD 6 months straight, in the same job, as a sales associate in a furniture store, but during a bad depressive episode up and quit.  I have yet to find another job, which is really hard on me.  I have a fantastic boyfriend, but he is out of the country right now and I miss him a lot!

good for you.... i am glad you are living independant of an institution. I believ because of the lack of understanding with this disorder, many treatment facilities and staff can further fuel an illness like BPD.

i'm also glad you have found a therapist you click with! it makes a huge difference. in my short and hard life (some may say thats a bit self indulgent... but it has been!) i have seen many people. and with this man (he's also the only man iv seen!) things are finally clicking. its not that im suddenly  seeing the light. but i understand how to start watching my thought patterns, and how i'm about to respond to something. there is a really good site called Bpdrecovery.com - have you used it??? it's actually excellent. really its very very good.

i know it sounds simple in practice, but i sat my with psychol and we look at every "crisis" that occurs or results inself harm, and binging was oftn the cause. its hard to be honest about it coz in ways you dont want it to change but you need to recognise that binging isn't whats wrong but the restriction that leads to it.

like iv loads of these little phrases which now mean so much now that i understand the application, and am prepared to apply them.

"if you do what you'v always done-you'll get where you'v always gotten"

"the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result"

"the only way out is through"

"feel the fear and do it anyway"

"God makes the back to  bear the cross"

It sounds like if you are not either in control and anorexic OR out of control and binging, that your mind thinks too much and tries to sabotage you; like it does not let you feel normal without racing thoughts.

It sounds like binge eating is a way for you to sabotage yourself. Do you find it hard to let yourself be happy? Are you uncertain about what happy ness feels like?

I think the term “ normal” and “happy ness” can inhibit your efforts to reach this state, because when you are NOT binging, and when you are NOT sabotaging or destructing, it is like “ now what” “ how long until something happens that interrupts this normal state of being?

Happy ness to me, is just not feeling sad… like, there is no great middle ground that will feel AWSOME, it is just… nothing special? Maybe once you stay in that normal state of mind for a second you feel let down and disappointed that being normal and feeling “ happy” is not that good any way and so you may as well STOP fighting your urges to destruct, since it is more exiting then just feeling “ normal”?

Just throwing some thoughts out there.

Just think though. Learning to tolerate feeling “ normal” will STILL feel better then the alternatives! Normal may not always be that great, but at least it is existing WITHOUT any NEGATIVE emotions like the hopelessness and despair and disgust binge eating causes

I recently read a book about a women who worked with a therapist for 4 years and RECOVERED from borderline personality disorder!

They had to work REALLY hard with their therapist though! It was a team effort, she worked harder then the therapist had to in a lot of ways!

The book is called “ get me out of here” by Rachel some one ( forgot last name)

So, there IS a lot of hope for you girls, you both sound as articulate and intelligible as the girl in the book, and she used her intelligent, logical attributes to help preserver with her treatment and progress.

Fidget,

"if you do what you'v always done-you'll get where you'v always gotten"

It reminds me of a story......

One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless...
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still fall in... it’s a habit...
But my eyes are open.
I see it is there.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Five
I walk down a different street.

personaltrainer,

you say some rather insightful things, actually!  It is so difficult for me to just be. 

I have read "get me out of here" and thought it an excellent book for anyone struggling with bpd.  I am a lot like rachel, though not quite as dramatic.

eroth thats an excellent story.......... and its a real testament to your awareness and insight! people used to be - and still are - astounded when they talk to me about my awareness and insight. my capacity to understand and recognise whats happending. it is i think the defining factor about how sucessful you will be in recovery. i think some ppl never get past the "seeing the black hole and repeatidly falling into it". in fact i know many friends who i met in hospital who are unfortunately stuck here.

i think Jane is right about "what gets in the way".... its mental health, or mental illness or whatever. it is that need we have to hurt. Its the safety we feel in punishing ourselves that keeps us from walking away from madness and this sadness completely,

my psychologist always uses the phrase "a life worth living". "normal" (i say that cautiously) people do not have the level of emotional dysregulation that we have. they are more capable of holding down jobs, relationships, normal eating and socialising patterns. all these things make life worth living. and it is a self fulfilling prophesy. they work hard (semi-automatically) at keeping all these things on track because one feeds into the success of the next

eg: work all day- go home n have normal size dinner- socialise with friends.

if food is a problem this is what happens:

work all day (with restriction), go home have dinner (binge leading to feelings of guilt, depression, loss of self esteem)- dont socialise with friends(due to intense negative feelings), possibly continue to binge-only stopping at the point of intense anger and fear, resulting in self harm, resulting in not going to work the next day due to being mentally overwhelmed or physically seriously injured.

on this pattern, rapidly life becomes pointless. it is impossible to see where intervention can occur to right things.

But the point is : there is no correct point of intervention. ANY intervention will get you off that track. so for me it is deciding to eat my proper meal plan the dat after a binge (as desperately hard as it is) or not doing 4 x times the exercise i would normally do, or not hiding away from everyone and everything.

and then life slowly but surely becomes more bearable. when your brave enough to get back on the horse. you eat your meal plan- you CHOOSE to socialise or do activity that you enjoy... you feel a little bit better- this is an incentive to keep things on track.

it is so hard. i know. with my most compassionate voice i understand. but it can be done. clearly i am in an ok place at the moment. but this year i have cried what seemed like acid tears. life almost ended. darkness seemed all around. the task at times seemed pointless and endless but keep support in your life. so for the days you run out of hope-some one carries hope for you. thats what my psych says : "on the days you lose hope- i have hope for me and i have hope for you. you're life will be remarkable. do not give up"

do not give up Eroth.... where there is life there is hope. I have hope for you!

You're not alone. It's easy to fall into self-destructive behaviour patterns, and very hard to break the cycle and get OUT of them. But it can be done... you know the thoughts are whacky and that's a big step.

Just as a heads up, we recognize that people are sharing a little camaraderie about this issue, but make sure you respect posting guidelines throughout. There's not been any violations thus far, so this is more a reminder in advance or a note for any further contributions. 

Self injury is a serious problem and can affect both your physical and mental health in a significant way. It isn't something to be joked about or admired or certainly it should not be considered not to be a "big deal". It is a disorder many people suffer with on a daily basis. As you all must know from the Posting Guidelines, Calorie-Count is all about healthy and sustainable weight management.  Please be aware that this website does not support anything except attempting to achieve a healthy mental and physical lifestyle and those posts which support continuation of mental or physical disorders without pursuing treatment will be deleted/locked. 

This website is all about learning to eat appropriately - when, where, how, why and what. Identifying problems or disordered eating or even eating disorders, sharing support, sharing struggles, and helping each other to do and be better.

What this website is not about one upping our worst problems. So, please, make sure the discussion keeps to how to overcome self-injury. Even what, why and how, plus what we did to resolve it, but please, no bragging. Again, not saying anyone has done this thus far, but as a reference.

And as an extra help:

Befrienders Worldwide
http://www.befrienders.org/
To quote directly from their website: "We work worldwide to provide emotional support, and reduce suicide. We listen to people who are in distress. We don't judge them or tell them what to do - we listen."
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i can defiinatly relate to the binge,restrict,self harm cycle. its become my life in the last year =[ your not alone and i understand the fact you know theres help somewere out there but not able to accept the help and support of others.

i guess from there it only gets worse though and have to decide if you and only you are prepared to change that ...i wish you all the luck in the world though!

thank you lissy!

It's been a hard couple of days as I am still stuck in the same pattern....

I was doing so well for awhile and now I'm not sure what happened.  I think I have a severe case of the "lonely's".  My bf is out of town and I am just going crazy with that.  I was very dismayed to get on the scale and see that I put on 2 lbs.  I wish I would just get rid of the damned thing and let my body be..... alas, I am addicted to the stupid hunk and plastic and metal! 

I hope everyone is having a good holiday!

Just to share with you and hopefully allieviate some stresses: it is normal for a person to fluctuate up to and sometimes greater than 5lbs in a day for any reason. It takes 3500 calories in EXCESS of your burn to gain just one. Thus, it's much smarter to weigh in once a week under the same conditions and take your progress based on that, instead of every morning.

Why The Scale Lies - by Renee Cloe, ACE Certified Personal Trainer

If that scale torments you, I suggest smashing it. Jump on it. Destroy it. I smashed mine up and it felt REALLY, really good.

I don't step on the stupid piece of metal and plastic anymore at all!  That thing has caused me too much sorrow and greif.

After a long hiatus from CC and ED recovery in general I decided to come back and give recovery another try.

This topic touched me because I also have a lot of mental issues the inhibit me from making rational choices as well.

I have been diagnosed with bulimia, severe general anxiety disorder, and bi-polar disorder.  I do see a theapist, but quit my meds (though I'm reconsidering).  Due to money issues I don't get all the help I need, but I still try to get what I can afford.

Everything you guys say makes me feel like you're reading my mind. 

We are not alone, we can do this.

I used to struggle with SI. I found some things that helped me to stop which you might find helpful.

I would SI when i felt intense feeling of hate for myself, for whatever reason. I began to write on myself with red ink pen the words that were coming into my head. Be it fat, ugly, horrible, bad, whatever the words were, i would write them down on my arms and legs and then look at them for a while. It allowed me to go with those feeling for a while and then gave me the feeling of release that i needed. I eventually was able to stop doing that as well. I still have urges to SI, sometimes they are really bad urges but the thing that stops me is knowing that i will feel even more hate for myself after having SI'd. Maybe you could try what i did.

Im not in any way saying that im sweet now, i think that my SI developed into an ED and i now struggle veery much with that. One step at a time though aye.

You arent alone, it seems there are many people here with simialr issues/stories, more than i imagined actually.

eroth, i've been researching this stuff for a couple of years now (disordered eating, substance abuse, and self-injury), and am in the process of writing my thesis on the intersections between the three.  i'm coming to believe more and more that the key to recovery is in breaking through isolation and forming authentic relationships and connection.  i don't just mean with friends and family; i mean with your community, with some sort of spirituality, with something bigger than yourself. 

as scary as it is, i think you have to let your defenses down and talk to the people who love you.