Ridiculous ED Memories

For the longest time I have not been able to recall what my behavior was like when I suffered from anorexia. Food deprivation= bad memory? I don't know. All I could remember was that most people avoided me and my closest family members frequently tried to inform me of my insanity (and I gladly answered in kind). As of late, however, some memories have finally started coming to my attention, some of which I find rather humorous. For example, I now remember that my parents found me, on more than one occasion, furiously picking up the living room at 3 AM. To provide you with some context, that was the room in which I religiously ate breakfast, so it was apparently very important to me that the setting be perfect. In another instance, I nearly lost it on my mom when she refused to pay more for a smaller portion at a restaurant: "That makes no sense"..."I won't eat it! I won't eat it!" Quite laughable in retrospect, if you ask me. While I recognize that anorexia is a very serious illness, I do not think it too inappropriate to request that others of you who have recovered share your experiences that, though not amusing at the time, make you smile at yourself now. Despite my reflections, I am not, nor do I claim to be, completely recovered. Weight-restored? Yes. However, offer me a slice of pizza and I am still likely to run for the hills. In other words, I am requesting input from those of you who, even if not yet completely recovered, are getting there.

Care to share?

It affected my cognitive abilities I think - it is supposed to and I do think it did, I got a job at a local small store selling gourmet style food and I stuffed up silly things with the cash register; I would be fine and good with customers a lot of the time, but then there would be a lot of incidence where I gave the wrong change, or did something “wrong”. It was very embarrassing and I eventually lost my job.

Also, the typical feeling of being very cold - I would DRED leaving the house and heater to the point where I would feel in pain the second I would part with the heater; I would walk to college and not want to leave my then boyfriend. I was like a little kid that needed to depend on comforts

Oh, and then there were all the times in shops where I would spend ages picking food, and change my mind about 50 million times; even after I brought the food, or after it was packaged, I would still make changes.. some times to even change my mind again.

It was like a war going on in my head, and I remember thinking “ DARN, I just bl00dy want to buy the food and not have to think so much about it!”

Original Post by personaltrainer87:

 

It affected my cognitive abilities I think - it is supposed to and I do think it did, I got a job at a local small store selling gourmet style food and I stuffed up silly things with the cash register; I would be fine and good with customers a lot of the time, but then there would be a lot of incidence where I gave the wrong change, or did something “wrong”. It was very embarrassing and I eventually lost my job.

Also, the typical feeling of being very cold - I would DRED leaving the house and heater to the point where I would feel in pain the second I would part with the heater; I would walk to college and not want to leave my then boyfriend. I was like a little kid that needed to depend on comforts

Oh, and then there were all the times in shops where I would spend ages picking food, and change my mind about 50 million times; even after I brought the food, or after it was packaged, I would still make changes.. some times to even change my mind again.

It was like a war going on in my head, and I remember thinking “ DARN, I just bl00dy want to buy the food and not have to think so much about it!”

 

 

Aside from apparent memory issues, I cannot relate to you too much on the topic of cognitive issues. However, I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to being cold all of the time! Since I had my ED when I was in middle school, my friends and I still enjoyed going to the park. During one excursion in the fall, I was foolish enough to assume that I would not need a jacket. Needless to say, I ended up deeply regretting that decision. Thus, as I sat their shaking like crazy, my friends completely unable to relate, I informed them that I would be the "ice berg," while they ran around and played tag. I know exercise warms you up, but I was too cold to want to do anything but curl up in a ball. As for trips to the grocery store, I could be pretty ridiculous as well. I made lists, which would not have been so weird had it not been for the fact that my mom was the adult, not me. Grocery shopping literally became the highlight of my weekends, as I progressively withdrew from functioning society. Mornings were the worst for me in terms of unwanted thoughts about food. If I could just make it to lunch, then I would be fine, because I still allowed my mom to determine when and what I had for dinner. I honestly believe that handing my mom some control was my salvation at the time. That, and for some odd reason, drawing. I could completely forget about my hunger so long as I was working with my hands in some way or another. It still works, to a certain extent. Though, as I have become more knowledgeable about foods from a health standpoint, I am now in complete control of my meals, which is a good thing (my family likes processed foods too much for their own good).

Well, still struggling with some of the "after-math" or just thoughts that will either stay alive or at least faded in the back of my mind my entire life, such as hating the person at chick-fil-a or mcdonalds whenever they are trying to be "nice" and give me more ice cream etc. than they have to.... And now that I think about it, all the times I would be like a electrical device near a pool of cold water, thinking jumping in it would be like going right on into your burial casket XP

I have no memory from my "anorexia-summer" last summer either. I seriously cant recall what I DID those days or what I ate. I quess I was too concentrated in my own world of dieting.

But some things I remember... Well, I would freak out of foods touched each other on the plates. Really, if my broccoli had a sprinkle of the gravy next to it, I WOULD NOT eat it. And I always preferred to eat from the certain plates and bowls.

Oh dear, I also remember practically having a panic attack and crying myself to sleep at night because I mistakingly took a sip of my Dad's non-diet coke at double daves once instead of my diet dr.pepper

Original Post by mawata:

Well, still struggling with some of the "after-math" or just thoughts that will either stay alive or at least faded in the back of my mind my entire life, such as hating the person at chick-fil-a or mcdonalds whenever they are trying to be "nice" and give me more ice cream etc. than they have to.... And now that I think about it, all the times I would be like a electrical device near a pool of cold water, thinking jumping in it would be like going right on into your burial casket XP

I still feel upset with the people behind the counter when they are "generous" enough to give me extra portions. As a consequence, I now tend to avoid such establishments. My grandma even complains that I make it nearly impossible to go out for dinner since I have so many restrcitions regarding food. My response is always, "At least I'm eating!"

Original Post by ieevee:

I have no memory from my "anorexia-summer" last summer either. I seriously cant recall what I DID those days or what I ate. I quess I was too concentrated in my own world of dieting.

But some things I remember... Well, I would freak out of foods touched each other on the plates. Really, if my broccoli had a sprinkle of the gravy next to it, I WOULD NOT eat it. And I always preferred to eat from the certain plates and bowls.

I rarely eat "fancy" food, so I typically do not have to worry about different foods mixing. However, I do have a very strong preference for certain dishes. Personally, I prefer using glass bowls and cups because I find it easier to reassure myself that I am eating the right portion size (even though I always measure my food first).

Original Post by mawata:

Oh dear, I also remember practically having a panic attack and crying myself to sleep at night because I mistakingly took a sip of my Dad's non-diet coke at double daves once instead of my diet dr.pepper

I had a similar experience, although mine was with coffee creamer, not soda. When I discovered that I had used regular creamer, I literally went straight back to bed and hid under my pillows. It really shook me, despite the fact that it only "set me back" 10 lousy calories and a gram and a half of fat. However, in regards to soda in particular, my paranoia prevents me from ordering a soda at a restaurant. Nevertheless, if I am able to pour the soda myself from a machine, I am usually okay with it....though sometimes my mind still manages to convince me that someone made a mistake and put the regular stuff in the wrong container. Eating disorders ruin all the fun, seriously! /:

I understand completely! I hate how ED gives such paranoid thoughts that you know are ridiculous but still convince yourself to keep thinking etc. Ah coffee, that reminds me of how I am still the one at starbucks practically shaking/staring down the one making my frappe....

One time they put whip cream on top and then said sorry and said they would just scoop it off, I threw it out when I got home since I was too embarrassed to ask for her to re-make it T.T

Original Post by mawata:

I understand completely! I hate how ED gives such paranoid thoughts that you know are ridiculous but still convince yourself to keep thinking etc. Ah coffee, that reminds me of how I am still the one at starbucks practically shaking/staring down the one making my frappe....

One time they put whip cream on top and then said sorry and said they would just scoop it off, I threw it out when I got home since I was too embarrassed to ask for her to re-make it T.T

I cannot purchase special beverages for exactly that reason. Even if I request a diet version, and even if I watch them make it, I still have my illogical suspicions. I mean, if I never have the regular version, then how am I supposed to be able to differentiate it from the diet version? Similarly, I never allow anyone to cook for me because I am paranoid about the ingredients. Did they use butter? Oil? Dressing? Who knows, which is exactly why I won't eat it. Plus, even if I watch the person make it, the fact that it is prepared food makes it that much more difficult to determine the nutritional content. Easier to just avoid it. Just like I should have avoided that cake tonight. I simply wanted to see if I could handle it, but as it turns out, I now feel awful. I had a ridiculously small slice, too. However, after I eat something like that, something highly processed, I have this overwhelming feeling of, "Well today is ruined, why not ruin it some more?" Horribly stupid logic, which usually results in a binge. However, tonight I was able to exercise some degree of control and made it a "controlled" binge, if you can believe that there is such a thing. In the end, it is best for me to simply avoid bad foods, something tonight will by all means help me to remember in the future. Sorry for the small tangent there, I just had to get that off of my chest.

Hey - well done for not letting your cake incident lead to a binge!

Another particular memory I have is; there was some left over cheese cake from my birthday. I really felt like it so I had some. I had a decent amount, not a binge but still a lot. Once I started I kept taking a little more, not as a binge but still not in a normal way where you just sit down, get a plate and allow yourself to have it; I just ate it straight from the box, only planning on a little slice but then telling myself that I would have more and just burn it off

After the few slices of cake, that wasn’t even that much, I made myself go for a 2 hour walk or something ridiculous.

Also, I can remember the last time I ever remember feeling hunger. I was at a persons house and my stomach felt like it was a hollow cave, growling, like it was eating itself.

I do not remember ever feeling hunger since then. Ever. It is 4 or more years later now, I am at a healthy weight and have recovered from anorexia.

However, the other night I think I felt hunger again for the first time in years. I had done most of my eating early that morning, therefore was rather empty by night.

Original Post by personaltrainer87:

 

Hey - well done for not letting your cake incident lead to a binge!

Another particular memory I have is; there was some left over cheese cake from my birthday. I really felt like it so I had some. I had a decent amount, not a binge but still a lot. Once I started I kept taking a little more, not as a binge but still not in a normal way where you just sit down, get a plate and allow yourself to have it; I just ate it straight from the box, only planning on a little slice but then telling myself that I would have more and just burn it off

After the few slices of cake, that wasn’t even that much, I made myself go for a 2 hour walk or something ridiculous.

Also, I can remember the last time I ever remember feeling hunger. I was at a persons house and my stomach felt like it was a hollow cave, growling, like it was eating itself.

I do not remember ever feeling hunger since then. Ever. It is 4 or more years later now, I am at a healthy weight and have recovered from anorexia.

However, the other night I think I felt hunger again for the first time in years. I had done most of my eating early that morning, therefore was rather empty by night.

 

My issues with hunger have largely disappated over the last several months, which is nice. Nevertheless, in spite of the fact that I know when I get hungry, I sill try to bargain with myself every now again. For example, I will have a large breakfast around 9, and then justify it by telling myself that I will skip breakfast. Not possible! And yet, I still convince myself that it is a good idea from time to time. Some people never learn. 

I definitely could not think properly when I was at my worst point. Someone would tell me something and minutes later I would have forgotten it completely. My mum said it was like being with someone with dementia as she was constantly having to repeat herself!

I also completely lost the ability to read. I couldn't focus or concentrate enough to read a newspaper or magazine article let alone a book. I hated this as I love to read.

Looking back, I did some pretty ridiculous things. In hospital I hid coins in my bra to fake weight gain. Which was fine until I got put on 24 hour watch and so I was stuck wearing this bra full of coins, even in bed,  for fear of being discovered when I took it off! I confessed eventually and the bra was removed . I also had a phase of hiding food in my socks to dispose of later. Messy.

Original Post by lucylulu_:

I definitely could not think properly when I was at my worst point. Someone would tell me something and minutes later I would have forgotten it completely. My mum said it was like being with someone with dementia as she was constantly having to repeat herself!

I also completely lost the ability to read. I couldn't focus or concentrate enough to read a newspaper or magazine article let alone a book. I hated this as I love to read.

Looking back, I did some pretty ridiculous things. In hospital I hid coins in my bra to fake weight gain. Which was fine until I got put on 24 hour watch and so I was stuck wearing this bra full of coins, even in bed,  for fear of being discovered when I took it off! I confessed eventually and the bra was removed . I also had a phase of hiding food in my socks to dispose of later. Messy.

I tried reading, but I could not retain most of the information. It was very frustrating! I can just imagine how much easier getting that "A" in algebra would have been had I been proprely fed! DX

My mom's strategy for trying to make me gain weight was ridiculous. She would try and sing the praises of a body that was unhealthy to begin with, as if I wanted to return to being overweight first thing after having an eating disorder. She still bugs me about my weight. 95 lbs! She's funny. Let's try 107. Then again, my family does not even own a scale, so how would she know? 

Wow, I thought the memory-loss thing was just me! I can't remember about five months of my life properly. Mainly I just remember being really cold all the time, hungry, and miserable. I'm not sure about my cognitive functioning, but somehow I managed to keep my job :) I do know that when I started recovering I started performing better at work, my interests returned, and my social life improved!

Some rather humorous (yet also sad) memories: counting the calories of single pringles. Crying in a supermarket because I was so hungry but not 'allowed' any of the things there. Throwing away food in stupid places. Having a skirt randomly fall off me (luckily I was alone and at home!). Being caught counting calories on the calculator on my phone by my friend. I did this almost constantly, and I've now reduced it to once or twice a day. Yay! Oh, and another weird thing was my urge to bake and cook. I have never, ever liked doing so!

I am so glad I'm recovered! Well, like you I'm weight restored but still have some issues and restrictions going on....

Original Post by girlplurality:

Wow, I thought the memory-loss thing was just me! I can't remember about five months of my life properly. Mainly I just remember being really cold all the time, hungry, and miserable. I'm not sure about my cognitive functioning, but somehow I managed to keep my job :) I do know that when I started recovering I started performing better at work, my interests returned, and my social life improved!

Some rather humorous (yet also sad) memories: counting the calories of single pringles. Crying in a supermarket because I was so hungry but not 'allowed' any of the things there. Throwing away food in stupid places. Having a skirt randomly fall off me (luckily I was alone and at home!). Being caught counting calories on the calculator on my phone by my friend. I did this almost constantly, and I've now reduced it to once or twice a day. Yay! Oh, and another weird thing was my urge to bake and cook. I have never, ever liked doing so!

I am so glad I'm recovered! Well, like you I'm weight restored but still have some issues and restrictions going on....

I've always had this need to complete things, which includes consuming the recommended serving size. I MUST obey the label, no more no less. I wish it were not that way, because it can be very frustrating at times. I never really threw away food at home. However, if I purchased frozen yogurt or something and they gave me too much, then I was more than happy to scoop at least half of it into the trash. Big waste of money. Stopped buying stuff like that because of it. My cell phone does not allow me to input very many numbers, so I most often just keep track of my intake mentally. Plus, I love numbers. I never had the urge to cook. I don't know...something about it just bores me to death. Instead, I drew practically non-stop. And, if I was feeling really ambitious, I would make a pitiful attempt at comprehending a book. 

Oh gosh, am I glad I can now laugh at this! I remember walking to the bus and my trousers actually fell down to my knees, thankfully I had a coat on so no one saw but I had to really casually pull my trousers up again!

I also remember that, while living with my house mates, I used to spend 2 hours eating my bowl of bran flakes :( they must have thought I was totally insane, which I suppose I was really.

Original Post by eediee:

Oh gosh, am I glad I can now laugh at this! I remember walking to the bus and my trousers actually fell down to my knees, thankfully I had a coat on so no one saw but I had to really casually pull my trousers up again!

I also remember that, while living with my house mates, I used to spend 2 hours eating my bowl of bran flakes :( they must have thought I was totally insane, which I suppose I was really.

 

I am thankful that my pants never fell down in public (though I did have to manually carve another notch in my belt to avoid it). However, I can completely relate to the experience of dragging out the length of a meal or a snack. Personally, I used to spend two hours nibbling down a measly pouch of Yo-go's. Now, not only do I eat both meals and snacks at a human pace, but I also avoid processed junk such as that. I hate to say that of the few hundred calories that I used to allow myself, the majority of it was non-nutritive junk.  

Heh, interesting. I can't remember that far back into my disorder either..

One things that really sticks out in my mind though was when one of my friends brought treats for their birthday. They offered me a treat, and when nobody was looking, I hid it. I guess I wasn't careful, because someone saw me hide it, and then confronted me about it in front of everyone. I basically threw a fit saying that I wouldn't dare put that fat-drenched, sugar-coated piece of **** into my mouth. People avoided me for awhile after that..

I also recall spending nearly all of my free time googling pictures of foods that I so badly wanted, but didn't allow myself. (Silly, but true). Sometimes I would even prepare these foods just to touch them and smell them, but not eat them. I'd usually just give them to my bottomless-pit of a brother when I was done.

Oh, and how could I forget all the looks and comments from people I got when I would exercise... >.<

Original Post by goobyb:

Heh, interesting. I can't remember that far back into my disorder either..

One things that really sticks out in my mind though was when one of my friends brought treats for their birthday. They offered me a treat, and when nobody was looking, I hid it. I guess I wasn't careful, because someone saw me hide it, and then confronted me about it in front of everyone. I basically threw a fit saying that I wouldn't dare put that fat-drenched, sugar-coated piece of **** into my mouth. People avoided me for awhile after that..

I also recall spending nearly all of my free time googling pictures of foods that I so badly wanted, but didn't allow myself. (Silly, but true). Sometimes I would even prepare these foods just to touch them and smell them, but not eat them. I'd usually just give them to my bottomless-pit of a brother when I was done.

Oh, and how could I forget all the looks and comments from people I got when I would exercise... >.<

I used to have a friend that was naturally waif thin when I was slightly overweight. She used to force upon me volumes of unsolicited advice. Then, ironically, it was her mother who was the most open about commenting about my weight when I lost some 45 pounds. 

I now feel embarrassed about the times I exercised when I was so thin. Unfortunately, in my mind I still envision myself as having been overweight. But I wasn't! I did not become committed to exercising until I was near my lowest weight. Eating disorders distort everything, even when they seem to have disappeared...