Ridiculously Corny-make-you-grimace-and-groan jokes!

So, I am a nerd who loves dumb humor. Send  any and all dopey jokes that you know...to put a smile on everyone's face.

Mine (true story): So I am driving with my friend and we pass a huge corn field in the middle of July. I say, "Hey look, Corn stalks!" and she replies, "Corn stalks? That's funny, cause they don't stalk me!"

Ah I love puns.

wanna hear a joke????

I fart and you choke!!

Wanna hear another????

I fart and you smother!!!

What does the Momma buffalo say when her baby boy leaves?

Bye son!

What's Count Dracula's favorite song?

"Fangs for all the Memories"

What is black and white and read all over?

A newspaper (lame ugh)

Why was the cookie so upset?

Because his daddy was a wafer so long.

Hoof Hearted?

How did the cookie know he was sick?

Because he felt crummy.

1. My dad every time we drove by a cemetery:  "That's a real popular place!  People are dying to get in there!"

2. Ham sandwich walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.  Barkeeps says:  "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

 

ok, this is my favorite joke ever.

a piece of string walks into a bar.

the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.

he walks back into the bar.

the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"

the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"

A funeral director walks into a pharmacy wheeling his latest... customer.  He says "you got anything for this coffin?"

An atom is sitting at a bar looking all depressed, and the bartender asks what the problem is.  The atom says "I've lost an electron."  Bartender says "Wow, dude, are you sure?"  The atom says, "Yep, I'm positive."

Why do birds fly south for the winter?  Because it's too far to walk.

1. What's brown and sticky?   A stick

2. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

3. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?  Dam

4.  A giant grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?", the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

5. A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a... beer", the bartender asks "why the big pause?" and the bear says "I was born with them"

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese.

These two are long so bear with me.

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.  He goes to the bank teller looks at his name tag and says, "Hey there Patty-Jack.  My name is Froggy Jagger and I need a loan."

Patty-Jack said, "Your name is seriously Froggy Jagger?"

Froggy replied, "Why of course my good man, I'm Mick Jagger's son."

Patty-Jack said, "Okay then, we're are going to need some collateral."  Froggy then pulled out a pink elephant statue.  Patty-Jack told Froggy that he needed to speak with the bank manager.

Patty-Jack said to the manager, "There is a friggin frog in here who says he's the son of Mick Jagger and he wants a loan.  Do you want to know what his collateral is?  A pink elephant statue!  What do you want me to do with this weirdo?"

The bank manager replied, "It's just a knick knack Patty-Jack, give the frog a loan.  His old man's a rolling stone."  --Sung to the tune of This Old Man

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"

The man replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"

you are all awesome!! Hilarious!!

Oh but I have another one:

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sewn onto his pants. The bartender says, "Hey Pirate, you have a steering wheel stuck on your pants!" and the Pirate says, "Aye and it's driving me nuts!"

Local College Rivalry Joke:

Why did the chicken cross the road? To join the ACC.

Go Gators :D

What's skinny and green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Ok, mine's kind of gross, but I love it.

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

Ok EVERYTIME we are with our family friend and we drive by a sign that says "Stop Ahead", he either gets this frightened look and goes, "Eww where?!??!", or he just calmly says, "You know I see those signs all over, but have yet to see a head..."  =P

I'm sure I have more so I'll keep thinkin and possibly be back!

A 3-legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the guy who shot my Paw"

hahaha zimcassy, i just came back in here to post that one! nice :)

A priest, a reverend, and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

How many flies does it take to screw in lightbulb?  Two - but I can't figure out how they got in the lightbulb.

How many Teamsters does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?  Five - you got a problem wit' that?

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?  One to do it, three to design the t-shirt, two to turn it into a drinking game.