right smack dab in the middle (recovery vent. triggering material)

Hey guys/girls,

Recently I've been really struggling with the two opposites we face with ED. I'm at the point where I'm really starting to feel more confident/accept myself and my body as is...but at the same time I still have this plaguing fear about gaining weight. Maybe not gaining weight so much as getting all the health problems that I used to have when I was overweight.

I'm facing my demons this weekend right in the face. Through night-eating and what have you, I'm eating what I should probably be eating on days I exercise...I think. And I have not/ will not do any sort of formal exercise from yesterday until monday. I know it's a short stretch but it seems like an eternity for an exercise bulimic. I'm afraid that I won't be able to undo any "binging" damage from this weekend and that things are just going to spiral out of control.

a note on my 'binging'....since i've had an increased calorie amount, it seems much less prominent. i just still eat a lot during the night...which i really want to stop. i'm frustrated and appalled and i know these feelings are useless in combating this...but i feel so caged. i eat most of my calories during the night. i don't restrict during the day, but i still limit. even if i just eat normally, i still get up the next night. i'm so frustrated.

at the same time, i'm becoming more enlightened to the way my body feels. i'm getting pretty fatigued easily. i can't tell if it's mental fatigue that's imposing itself physically or whatnot. exercise at the rate it's going is becoming more of a chore...sometimes. not all the time. i'm technically at a healthy weight that places me at a bmi of 20-21, around 140 at 5'9"(mods feel free to edit numbers, I'm just using them for illustration), but at the same time i don't/can't give myself credit for how much muscle mass i have because of my body dysmorphia. you can still see my ribs and chest bones, i'm around a size 1... but when i look in the mirror my thighs and stomach look huge to me. almost half of the time i feel like i'm starving and i can't identify whether it's emotional or physical. i'm still not having my periods...my body's screaming at me that i need something more. but society's stigma makes it so so hard for me to deal with that higher number.

i guess i just need to deal with the next few days. i mean...i feel like i'm on the cusp of self-acceptance...but something just keeps reining me in. when does it stop?