Rising above opposition

How do you rise above opposition?  Thanksgivings coming.  Duh.  I invited friends of mine up for the weekend.  I'm so stoked to have them here for many reasons.  She's my closest friend, the invided guests, for the most part, are on my husbands side of the family, she's been battling weight loss too.  So I feel like I really have someone in my corner. 

I've been getting healthier (I refuse to say dieting) since  April.  I'm close to the 45 pound loss mark and am damn proud of myself.  Oh, I've been a vegetarian since August.  The rest of my family are not, so I still cook meat for them.

But now Thanksgivings coming and as usual I'm cooking.  I really love to entertain.  This year I really wanted to have a healthier spread.  Even though I am a vegetarian, I'm still having the obligatory turkey, and ham (the husband insists).  But there are "traditional" holiday dishes that I really don't want to make, candied yams, being foremost on my mind.  That just isn't the image I want to project any more. 

Every time I'm on-line, looking at healthier recipe alternatives, someone says something.  Case in point, this morning, I was looking for a low fat pumpkin pie recipe.  I found a crustless one that I want to make.  I got "ewww", and "it's not going to be as good".  My husband doesn't even eat pumpkin pie!! My mother in law makes an awesome 5 bean casserole, for me.  I love it!  But it has ground beef in it.  She says, I guess I won't be making it this year.  Why not, just leave out the meat!  I get the wrinkled nose and "it won't be the same". 

How do you possibly stay gracious when you get this reaction to everything you try?  I get "a little bit won't hurt", you can have meat just this once", and my favorite "why do we have to suffer because you're dieting?".  They don't get it, I don't want it!!

I want to scream; I want to cry, but above all, I just want to leave.

the hard part here is that Thanksgiving food has strong ties to a lifetime of idealized memory and so is tied to more than just taste.

I would suggest that you continue your compromise but in a different way. You are making two types of meats and have been vocal about that.

Now choose one dish that you will make in a way that YOU will enjoy. Do not ask if it is ok. You know what they eat and what they really don't. Replace one that is not a genuine family favorite.

Then look to see if anything can be made more appealing to you without losing the appeal that it has for your family.

Do not ask if some alternative to the recipe is ok. You will leave enough things the same that the one new dish and the subtly altered old dish will incorporate more easily.

Remember to choose what dish or dishes to mess with based on what they always eat, not by what they say is sacred.

A more complex side can be more easily altered than a simple side. If you improve the stuffing, they may not even notice if you don't point it out and make subtle changes. However, they will definitely notice and be inclined to be negative about the more simple fare such as butter & cream free mashed potatoes.

If someone realizes what is not being made and makes a fuss, give them the recipe and tell them that their offer to help is greatly appreciated.

It's unfortunate that they see themselves as "suffering" because you would like them to eat in a healthy way. Do not give in to mind games that are designed to induce guilt so they do not have to feel badly because they don't want to eat as well as you. Give up trying to convince them of the rightness of what you do, as such efforts usually backfire anyway. Let fabulous new recipes do the talking.

I guess my attitude is that holidays like Thanksgiving are a) "special" and b) only once a year.  So I don't worry too much about anything from a calorie standpoint -- I never got fat from what I ate on Thanksgiving or Christmas, it was the little extras that became habits every day of the year.

That said, in my kitchen I get to set the rules about what the whole family eats.  I do the planning, I do the shopping, and I do the cooking -- so I am in charge.  You are already making meat (which you don't eat), you should simply choose the side dishes that you will enjoy (lower calorie or not) and make them.

Regarding candied yams -- my bet is that most of the family couldn't care less about eating them.  My family gave them up once my dear grandmother passed, she was the only one who ate them, and she prepared them.  I do like to have an "orange" vegetable though, just because it looks so pretty on the table with all that white and beige (turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy are all pale, no?).  I often do a butternut squash puree, or roasted butternut squash, or roasted sweet potatoes (no marshmallows in sight!).  That and steamed broccoli (for the bright green) and there are 2 things on the table that are healthy and delicious.  Then I splurge on the stuffing and gravy since I only eat them on that day.  Add a piece of pecan pie, mmmhmm good.  And I can do it all and stay on maintenance calories for the day.

Maybe I am out in left field here... but you are making the food, they are guests in your house....  they should eat whatever the heck you prepare for them no complaints.  Your husband included.

Cooking a meal for someone, especially a whole family, is a gift you are providing to them.  They should be gracious.  And I wouldn't run anything by any of them.  Make what you feel is right.  Chances are if you are a good cook, they wont even notice the lack of crust on the pie, or the absence of yams.  And if they want that stuff then they can bring it themselves.

You're not their servant.  You're not getting paid.  In fact you should be getting worshiped for doing all the work to put this together.

I'm with Chrissy a little and mostly with dkenworthy.

Thanksgiving comes once a year and that is the only time that I have pumpkin pie.  If I were your family I would also give you grief about not having a crust.  You can make your own crust if you want with healthier ingredients...like an oatmeal crumble type crust or make a whole-wheat crust.

I agree that if some dishes are traditional or family recipes (the 5 bean casserole) it will feel awkward to leave out an ingredient.  I don't know how key the beef is to the casserole, but I'm pretty sure it adds to the flavor.  I suggest asking for the recipe and making a smaller version without the beef.  OR ask your mother in law if she wouldn't mind making two...one with meat and one without.

You can't force people to eat healthier just because you are, especially at such a time as Thanksgiving which is steeped in tradition and routine.  Start with small changes.