Root Cause of Your ED?

It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I could actually recall what set me on such a bad path in the first place. I realize that many people develop an eating disorder in response to the unrealistic standards set fourth by society. However, in my case, the root cause had much more to do with literal rejection as opposed to the perceived variety. The first incidence occurred at a friend's birthday party. For whatever bizarre reason, someone had the bright idea to have a bunch of kids weigh themselves in front of each other. You know, for fun! [/ego] Despite the fact that I knew that I would probably weigh more than the other kids, I reluctantly did as I was told and stepped on the scale. "116 lbs," it read. For my height, that was ideal. However, before I even had a chance to step off of the scale, a sister of one of the kids dashed downstairs and proclaimed to her parents, "[my name] weighs 116 pounds!" That was easily the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to me up to that point. Another time I was with a friend and her family visiting another family out in the countryside. My friend, her dad, and I decided to take a walk. At a certain point, we encountered a fence too tall for my friend or I to climb over on our own. Her dad offered to help. My friend, a cancer survivor, hardly weighed anything and was easily lifted up and over the obstacle. I panicked, the humiliation I had previously endured still fresh in my memory. "I'll go back," I mumbled nervously." "Nonsense, I'll help you over," my friend's dad replied. And so he did. When we arrived back at the house, my friend left me for a moment. And in that moment I overheard her parents talking. "Geez, what does that kid weigh anyway? Nearly took out my back!" A statement to that effect sealed the deal for me. I had to become thin, there was absolutely no alternative. My weight alone made me a burden, incapable of feeling pain or any other emotion for that matter. Now, I am not one to show emotion, but the first time these events again became clear in my memory, I cried. I never cry. And that is my experience. There were others, to be sure, but none quite as damaging as those mentioned above. I am now healthy and intend to stay that way. While I am well aware of how painful it can be to relive negative experiences, I request that those of you who have similar backgrounds share your experiences. We are not alone, and we should reinforce that knowledge for our own continued well-being. 

lack of self-esteem and comparing myself to others all the time..........over thinking things.

I was quite thin up until I got into about 3rd grade. Even though I was kind of chubby, no one never made fun of my weight. However, from kindergarten up until 8th grade (when I left school to be home schooled.) I was picked on almost EVERYDAY. And I'm not exaggerating. Kids (not even just the popular ones, even kids who did not know me.) would always find something to make fun of me for. Most of the time it was telling me that I was unattractive, actually said in more hurtful words (there's many examples, but two of them were...we had a teacher in 5th grade talking about some lesson and then he said "Like "insert my name here" will grow up to be a beautiful young woman." then one of my classmates turned to me and said "Yeah, that will never happen."...Then in 7th grade another jerk said to me "Do you realize no one likes you"  (meaning crush worthy.) I even had friends talk behind my back and say hurtful things. I had a group of kids from another grade who didn't know me point at me and laugh one day.) One time the insults weren't even just in school.....

Kids or even adults don't realize the damnage verbal abuse can cause. Going through all those comments in all those years still play in my mind, far more then any of the good I even got. The thing that bothers me the most is I never actually thought I looked that bad (I was just quiet and different.), but these people damaged me emotionally. I actually felt like Carrie White in school. Heh. I just felt so worthless. Not to mention all the other disappointments I have caused my family in life. It takes its tole on you.

I've even had my own mother once tell me that I have to be the most self concious person she has ever met in her life. Since I'm always nit picking and finding flaws in myself and you can be damn sure I'll point it out to everyone before they can tell me about it.

I always just felt like, I would never have the money to have plastic surgery, but I could lose weight...and hence I did, to feel better. But deep down we all know those good feelings of weight loss (in an unhealthy matter) don't last for long as those inner scars are still there. Hence, the continued weight loss.

Well I'm a lot older now, I still have self insecurities, but being in my early 20's I'm a lot more confident then I use to be and to those meanies and ignorant people back in the day...they can k*ss my a**...actually, they don't deserve the privilege to even do that. I am worthy, just as anyone else (as everyone here is.) We are all beautiful. You just can't help a bullsh*t load of stupid out there that some people possess.

perfectionism, insulting family, being overweight - loosing weight real fast - and getting stuck in the dieting mindset, when my boyfriend mentioned his weight which was 20-30 lighter than me (hes small build, im large)

Boyfriend thing similar with me btw.

Well I think as well all you know they play out one after another almost every day. I know they run through my mind like crazy, they are the reason why "recovering" just about drove me off the edge. I kept thinking "Why are you making me go back to being that ugly ugly person?! Why do people who have fast metabolisms and are naturally thin get to stay where they are and, me, who worked their ass off, being made to gain weight?!" Definitly not a time...

But yes, I have many memories but the one that even if it (sadly) may not be the worst, always chimes in every moment someone asks what may have started it all.

In seventh grade my best friend told a boy I had a crush on for almost two years that I liked him. I was on the other side of the room but the thing I heard loud and clear was this "Her?! But she's so ugly!" I look over and sure enough....

Also those cringing comments you over hear from the girls who point and say stuff like, "It's okay, at least your not as big as her" or "Don't worry your not that ugly"

And having most every single one of my friends being petite didn't really help when looking back at photos or games that required anything having to do with size or weight etc. Then the Owen self disapproval of how I looked. My dad also constantly told me how I could never be small or petite, never gonna happen, I am stuck with a large build, that was, though, something that more so kept me going (trying to prove it wrong)

Original Post by mawata:

Boyfriend thing similar with me btw.

Well I think as well all you know they play out one after another almost every day. I know they run through my mind like crazy, they are the reason why "recovering" just about drove me off the edge. I kept thinking "Why are you making me go back to being that ugly ugly person?! Why do people who have fast metabolisms and are naturally thin get to stay where they are and, me, who worked their ass off, being made to gain weight?!" Definitly not a time...

But yes, I have many memories but the one that even if it (sadly) may not be the worst, always chimes in every moment someone asks what may have started it all.

In seventh grade my best friend told a boy I had a crush on for almost two years that I liked him. I was on the other side of the room but the thing I heard loud and clear was this "Her?! But she's so ugly!" I look over and sure enough....

Also those cringing comments you over hear from the girls who point and say stuff like, "It's okay, at least your not as big as her" or "Don't worry your not that ugly"

And having most every single one of my friends being petite didn't really help when looking back at photos or games that required anything having to do with size or weight etc. Then the Owen self disapproval of how I looked. My dad also constantly told me how I could never be small or petite, never gonna happen, I am stuck with a large build, that was, though, something that more so kept me going (trying to prove it wrong)

My own family scared me to a certain extent. To this day they are all overweight and sedentary. If I can point to one positive result from my eating disorder, it would be the fact that I now know more than enough about healthy living to lead such a lifestyle. 

For the longest time, I was always in some way different from other boys at my age. My interests were different, as well as my personality. I was never really bothered about it in elementary school. Nobody cared about appearance, personality or anything of that matter. Up until about 6th grade, I was at a pretty normal weight. But because there was no 'recess' in middle school, my weight shot up. Many people who were once my friends quickly left me for other 'groups' where they felt they belonged, while I did not. I was alone most of the time, and was consistently made fun of because of my differences, the most common being my weight. This continued all through middle school, however I did nothing to stop it. I figured that if I would report it, it would ruin my already poor reputation even further. When I reached high school, the few people whom I did associate with transferred out of state, and once again, I was alone. But this time was worse. Everyone in high school seemed to belong somewhere and with someone, while I did not. It was then that I finally decided to do something about it. I was convinced my appearance was causing my misery, so I began slowly cutting out foods and increasing my exercise. Maybe it was coincidence, but I almost instantly started getting friends, which reinforced the idea that appearance was the problem. The ED became far worse last year when I had a number of pretty large changes in my life. My mom moved out, and my dad moved in, so I was forced to takeover all of my mom's previous responsibilities. My dog also died last year, whom had been the only one was never afraid to share my troubles with (sounds silly, I know). In addition, realizing how quickly adulthood was approaching definitely contributed. When my parents started to notice something was wrong, I attempted self-recovery so that they wouldn't find out. It never truly worked, because I still kept many of my fears around food. And unfortunately, I've slowly been starting to revert back to my previous habits. :-(

Sorry about that novel. I really felt like I had to get that off my chest. :-)

Original Post by goobyb:

For the longest time, I was always in some way different from other boys at my age. My interests were different, as well as my personality. I was never really bothered about it in elementary school. Nobody cared about appearance, personality or anything of that matter. Up until about 6th grade, I was at a pretty normal weight. But because there was no 'recess' in middle school, my weight shot up. Many people who were once my friends quickly left me for other 'groups' where they felt they belonged, while I did not. I was alone most of the time, and was consistently made fun of because of my differences, the most common being my weight. This continued all through middle school, however I did nothing to stop it. I figured that if I would report it, it would ruin my already poor reputation even further. When I reached high school, the few people whom I did associate with transferred out of state, and once again, I was alone. But this time was worse. Everyone in high school seemed to belong somewhere and with someone, while I did not. It was then that I finally decided to do something about it. I was convinced my appearance was causing my misery, so I began slowly cutting out foods and increasing my exercise. Maybe it was coincidence, but I almost instantly started getting friends, which reinforced the idea that appearance was the problem. The ED became far worse last year when I had a number of pretty large changes in my life. My mom moved out, and my dad moved in, so I was forced to takeover all of my mom's previous responsibilities. My dog also died last year, whom had been the only one was never afraid to share my troubles with (sounds silly, I know). In addition, realizing how quickly adulthood was approaching definitely contributed. When my parents started to notice something was wrong, I attempted self-recovery so that they wouldn't find out. It never truly worked, because I still kept many of my fears around food. And unfortunately, I've slowly been starting to revert back to my previous habits. :-(

Sorry about that novel. I really felt like I had to get that off my chest. :-)

My experience was slightly different. I had the worst time in middle school, however, I sort of just blew everyone off in high school. So what if they did not like me? I was among the top in my class academically for the first time in my life. Nevertheless, while I forced myself to gain some weight, the eating disorder reared its ugly head full force the summer following my sophomore year. And since then it has yet again abated. This second episode stood in stark contrast with the first episode because rather than being a response to stress, it was instead a response to lack of stress. I don't think that makes much sense, but reflecting on it, that is the only conclusion that I can presently arrive at. As you can probably infer from the above, I too have relied on self treatment. I am not exactly sure how successful it has been. In spite of the fact that I am presently at a healthy weight, my life still seems as though it revolves around food -_-;;

Original Post by vincent_louis:

My experience was slightly different. I had the worst time in middle school, however, I sort of just blew everyone off in high school. So what if they did not like me? I was among the top in my class academically for the first time in my life. Nevertheless, while I forced myself to gain some weight, the eating disorder reared its ugly head full force the summer following my sophomore year. And since then it has yet again abated. This second episode stood in stark contrast with the first episode because rather than being a response to stress, it was instead a response to lack of stress. I don't think that makes much sense, but reflecting on it, that is the only conclusion that I can presently arrive at. As you can probably infer from the above, I too have relied on self treatment. I am not exactly sure how successful it has been. In spite of the fact that I am presently at a healthy weight, my life still seems as though it revolves around food -_-;;

That's pretty interesting that your second episode was caused by lack of stress.. I never honestly thought that could happen..

Unfortunately, I don't think self-treatment will every truly be enough for either of us. :( All it did was restore me to a healthy(er) weight, but it did nothing to get rid of my disordered thoughts.

Original Post by goobyb:

Original Post by vincent_louis:

My experience was slightly different. I had the worst time in middle school, however, I sort of just blew everyone off in high school. So what if they did not like me? I was among the top in my class academically for the first time in my life. Nevertheless, while I forced myself to gain some weight, the eating disorder reared its ugly head full force the summer following my sophomore year. And since then it has yet again abated. This second episode stood in stark contrast with the first episode because rather than being a response to stress, it was instead a response to lack of stress. I don't think that makes much sense, but reflecting on it, that is the only conclusion that I can presently arrive at. As you can probably infer from the above, I too have relied on self treatment. I am not exactly sure how successful it has been. In spite of the fact that I am presently at a healthy weight, my life still seems as though it revolves around food -_-;;

That's pretty interesting that your second episode was caused by lack of stress.. I never honestly thought that could happen..

Unfortunately, I don't think self-treatment will every truly be enough for either of us. :( All it did was restore me to a healthy(er) weight, but it did nothing to get rid of my disordered thoughts.

Yes, the thoughts are still there, but now I can largely ignore them. The only vulnerability I am facing right now is summer, supposedly a time of stress-free fun and what not. Well, for me it is not. Rather than use my time productively, I will probably end up sleeping the days away. Nothing wrong with that, save for the fact that it tends to go hand-in-hand with other behaviors. I won't explain further though, not trying to promote problems!

Oooh, let's see. My diabetes (not the overweight kind, simply because I knew a lot about calories etc.), poor self-esteem, very high goals, competition with my female friends and peers, the list is endless really.

I had never had control over anything, and I was sick of never being better than my best friend. And then she lost weight, lots of weight.  So I tried to and BAM.

Sexual abuse at a very young age which caused perfectionistic tendencies and obsessive compulsive disorder. A few years later when I was 8, a multitude of family tragedies occured and the OCD manifested itself through restriction of food, starvation, purging tendencies and I developed anorexia. 

More or less a way of finding control, stability, something I could get a handle on in the midst of all the chaos.

Never feeling good enough for anyone or any situation, always coming second best and being just not good enough, perfectionism, surrounded my beautiful and perfect people, bullied at school, abused by boys...the list is endless. Attributes such as confidence etc are all dependent on who is judging but at least with thin-ness, you are always a winner.

Mine was caused my years and years of bullying. It destroyed my self esteem. Then I lost weight without trying when I was ill and got loads of positive attention so I guess I linked people liking me with losing weight.

I also had OCD and depression long before anorexia so I became obsessive about my calories (still am) and exersise and fixated on certain numbers.

the thing was and still is that people think i cant be hurt or that im not an insecure person. I used to have some tendencies when i overate or before i went to my ex boyfriends house (like starving myself) then i started birth control wich made me gain weight. i didnt really notice cuz when i gain weight my tummy will stay sort of the same. until my mom told me once i couldnt have a piece of chocolate and i decided it was time for dieting..

Erm well, I don't know if I had these problems before/during my ED, but I've been told by doctors and a psychologist and a school counsellor that I have anxiety problems, slight OCD, and I'm a perfectionist. They couuld be linked to it. I had the idea of losing weight in my head for 2 years before I took action.

My brother used to call me fat constantly when I was younger, now he calls me anorexic. My mum called me fat about 3 times when I was younger, which she now denies, but I clearly remember. I used to play tennis back when I was like 10 about 6 times a week, and I had a great figure because of it. I quit after I had surgery and couldn't play for 3 months, so I just didn't go back, and I didn't weigh myself for 3 months, then when I did, suddenly I'd gone from a 45kg 10 year old to a 53kg 11 year old, which made me soooo depressed cause my clothes were too tight.

My friends were all thinner than me and got a lot more attention from guys. And I actually like the really thin look. Not the stereotypical anorexic look, but runway models. I'm not blaming the fashion industry, they don't make me feel bad about myself, but I like being the smallest size I can get in skinny jeans, and looking thin. I put on 3kg from the time I was 11 to January this year, and I hated being so much. My friends were what I am right now when they were like in primary school, (I'm 14), and I was how much I currently am sometime between december 2005 and feb-march 2006.

I don't know what exactly was my cause, but I didn't eat very well either. I started losing weight to be 'healthier' and eat better food, originally I only wanted to lose 2.5kg, but it became an obsession seeing how much I could lose overnight, how little I could eat in a day, how much exercise I could do, how many comments I got, it was taking over. If anyone has heard the song 'addicted' by kelly clarkson, it's pretty fitting for my situation. I'm far from better, but I'm trying to work on it.