It's Rough When My Husband Is Unsupportive

I'm about 70 lbs. overweight and my husband says he loves me the way I am, but I feel pretty disgusted with myself and wanna lose weight.  I joined Weight Watchers Online hoping it would help but it gets so difficult when he brings cupcakes, chocolate and fatty foods from work.  I have very little will power when it comes to those things and I end up caving in.  Again, disgusted with myself.

I recently started a Couch to 5K program where I get trained to run 5K in 9 weeks and I'm actually doing it!  I've yet to miss a workout and I'm completely happy with myself for coming so far... until today.  I had the hardest workout and actually ran (well, jogged pretty slow) for 20 minutes straight without stopping.  When I finished I was so, so happy for actually doing it.  When my husband asked how I jogged and I showed him, he said it wasn't a jog, it was more of a walk.  I've done this program for 5 weeks and thought I was doing well, and to hear him saying that I haven't been jogging, but walking really hurt.  It seems that he's constantly trying to sabotage me.  I don't know if he realizes it or not, but it hurts.  It hurts that the man I married will not support me in either endeavor.  When I told him how nervous I was before the workout, I asked for some encouragement and he offered none.  He never says he's proud of me or offers any kind of encouragement.

I'm on a serious low right now.

Since this isn't a marriage support forum, I won't comment about hubby. Sometimes we have to be our own cheerleader and not wait for others to encourage us.  Since you're trying to lose the weight for yourself and not for him, then what does it matter what he thinks?  Surround yourself with friends from your running club and encourage each other.  You can't be sabotaged unless you allow someone else to have power or influence over you.

Whether you're jogging or walking, it really doesn't matter. At least you're getting exercise.  If he doesn't like how you look after you've lost the weight just imagine how great you'll look while you're looking for a new man!!!!

I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work!

Unfortunately, many people on the forums here deal with family (parents, husbands, wives, siblings, aunts, uncles) that undercut efforts to get healthy.

And, similar to what the previous poster has said, the underlying reasons are as varied as the people involved.

The harsh reality is that sometimes those closest to us cannot be there to support us when we need it most. But the good news is that women are particularly adept at finding other supports when they face crises and the family has essentially gone AWOL.

First, you have those in your new running club!

A friend of mine and I joke about how we run slower than Monty Burns would from the Simpsons ("Smithers, help me lift my legs!"). We are thrilled if we finish a race before the 80 year olds. But my FEV1 (forced expiratory volume in one second) is equivalent to a 20 year old male who's over 6 ft (I'm a 34 year old 5'5" female). I have a fabulous resting heart rate and my VO2 Max is that of an amateur athlete. My friend has finished a couple of half marathons now and keeps besting her own times. Yes you too can leave the 80 year olds in the dust and be super healthy!

Joking aside, every milestone (20 minutes without stopping becomes 40 minutes becomes 60 and then there's a minute off the time, then a few more...) is worth a real celebration.

Also, by leaving your husband out of the neediness loop, you will have the double benefit of building self-confidence and self-identity outside of the marriage and he can have the time he may need if he is just not a very change-skilled person and is scared of how your choices will impact him. If you believe a healthy you is a valuable asset for yourself and your loved ones, then that sense of value will wear off on him.

And yes, if it doesn't, then marriage counseling may be more valuable.

If he can't be supportive of you, this is a part of your life you should choose not to share with him.  Whatever his reasons, just leave him out of it and find your support elsewhere.  CC is a great start.  Find your support here and with your friends and family who will be a positive influence.  You're doing GREAT!  I tried couch to 5K myself and couldn't make it that far.

Yes, it does hurt.  I know how you feel. I went through issues like that with my EX (get it -EX).    He has his issues of insecurity, would be my guess.   Don't give in to his attitude - be your own cheering squad, let friends help,  CC is great.  Keep up the good work. 

What is with men?  The first time I ran 5k outside I was so excited I called my mom and told her.  Her boyfriends response was "that's not a jog, that's a walk!".  My mom tried to hush him but the damage was already done.

Years ago when I was in college I got to the point where I could stay on the treadmill for 45 minutes straight.  I was always the kid in high school who could never finish running the track.  I told my husband and he said something about how I was barely moving.

And recently, I bought a treadmill and I'm working my way up in speed.  I was doing 5.0 and he said when he does that speed it feels like he's not even moving.

.... I figure I can take these comments and let them eat me up, or I can use them as motivation to keep going and push harder.  Show them how amazing you are!  Show them what you can do! Because what you did was amazing and you should be proud of yourself regardless of what they say!!!

This is how I think: "The speed I walk/jog is very slow. Yes, it's "barely moving" compared to what other people do. But it is better than last week. And the week before. I am improving, and that's all that matters. And I did it, no one else did it for me."

Don't let anyone break the success you already have. You did it. You decided to get off the couch and get moving and you are seeing progress. And you will see more.

*grrrrr* for you. :)

there were some cookies in my house when I first started here at CC... I posted here looking for help with my desire to eat those cookies. I wanted to eat them so bad but did not want to eat those empty calories.

One of the members suggested squirting liquid dish soap on them and tossing them in the trash!!! That way I could not go back later and pull them out of the trash and eat them (a real possibility!!)

As soon as he walks in with the stuff YOU DO NOT WANT ANYMORE... grab the soap and squeeze! He will stop bringing it to you

edit to add... And if you need support you can get it here. Men are good for a lot of things... But not all things!

Original Post by harina74:

I'm about 70 lbs. overweight and my husband says he loves me the way I am, but I feel pretty disgusted with myself and wanna lose weight.  I joined Weight Watchers Online hoping it would help but it gets so difficult when he brings cupcakes, chocolate and fatty foods from work.  I have very little will power when it comes to those things and I end up caving in.  Again, disgusted with myself.

I would suggest you find a way to replace this kind of negative self-talk with something more positive.  Try to love yourself no matter what you weigh (as your husband says he does), and it will get easier to make good food choices.  When you are happy and satisfied with yourself, it is easier to be satisfied with the food you do eat, and  easier to resist the foods don't eat (for now).

Have you tried asking your husband why he brings food home from work?  The next time he walks in with chocolate, ask him why he brings it home.  If he says that he thinks you want it, then tell him that you don't have calories left for it right now, and it would be easier for you to keep the house "treat-free" for now.  Say that you want to be healthier for yourself and for him.  It might help, who knows?

Thank you all so, so much!  Your words mean more to me than you could possibly imagine... so glad I came here for support.

It seems like a dim memory now, but my dh was the same way when I first started. He'd sabotage and say negative stuff. I knew he was just being insecure. I'd wink and tell him he was the only one who would benefit from me getting sexier. Now, I'm at maintenance and his attitide has flipped. As one responder said, he's likely worried how these changes will effect your relationship. When he sees the positive effects, he'll change. But, for a while, you're on your own...  

Couple of things I want to add - your husband may be scared of what your success may mean - you will look better and feel better, so he might be worried that other men will be attracted to you more, or that you will no longer need him - no matter how goofy that may sound to you.

Also, if your husband is overweight, your success at losing weight and gaining control over what you eat may also scare him, especially if this is an area where he struggles.

I like what one poster said - sabotage can only work if you let it (or something like that). You have more power over yourself than you think. Remember that your husband may be feeling a bit insecure because you are succeeding. Not that you re responsible for his self-esteem, but recognizing this may help you understand his unsupportive behavior. In the meantime, I think dish soap on the cupcakes and cookies is a fabulous idea! That will most likely nip it in the bud!

First off...Way to go! You have worked really hard and deserve to be celebrated! 

I too have a VERY hard time saying no to sweets, When I cave it I spent the rest of the night bashing myself until I am crying. I feel your pain.

Is your husband insecure that you will become a different person once you are healthy and maybe not want him around? 

It is not fair that you are doing the work and making an effort and you are having to dodge deliberate roadblocks along the way.

Good luck to you and remember that you are in control and doing the work! Go for it!

my husband, who's very supportive of me (in every area),  also made comments like "you know walking at that speed doesnt actually do anything" and "of course you could stay on the treadmill 45 min, you were only going 3.5 mph!" which, of course, was not even close to of course. guys just sometimes don't realize they're being insensitive, and even if they do, they don't realize how much it can get to a girl. don't let it get you down!

Original Post by moonstaz77:

What is with men?  The first time I ran 5k outside I was so excited I called my mom and told her.  Her boyfriends response was "that's not a jog, that's a walk!".  My mom tried to hush him but the damage was already done.

..............

 It's not only men!  I've been on a plan for two years and have done quite well(lost 50lbs, totally changed my lifestyle and eat very healthy, exercise daily and at 56 never been healthier) but I have some female relatives that make fun of my efforts, think I'm wacked, and try to convince me to eat unhealthy stuff when were out. Its amazing how many people react to someone getting healthy and cleaning up their act like me. I always fire back when they try to get me to have a dessert I don't want or food I don't want. I ask them..."would you offer a drink to a recovering alcoholic?" They don't realize this is not a game but at 56 if I didn't do something I surely would be in declining health. My BP and cholesterol came down, my doc says I am healthy and should keep doing what I'm doing.

So ignore the husband but try to educate him why its important to you.

Remember the old saying Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.You will be motivated by doing what you are doing and seeing the results.Dish  soap on cupcakes a very smart idea.I switched to a smaller plate at dinner time,it does make a difference for portion control. It  hurts when spouse is not supportive but this is your journey and you are in control.Be strong and good luck.This is a life long race not a short sprint.If you mess up one day  don't be hard on yourself just start the next day.I hope this doesn't sound too preachy.It was not my intent.

More than likely he is not going to be as supportive as you need him to be! My b/f of six years is the same way........... Just hava faith in youself, believe in yourself ad know that these small changes will give a happier, healthier life in the end. He can jump on the bandwagon or be left behind! Either way YOU WILL BE HAPPY!

You did awesomely well! I wish I could jog that long!

Don't worry about what he said, guys can be weird at times, my hubby says some things sometimes, not to the exent of being negative, but kind of insensitive. But when I tell him how it makes me feel, then he understands and apologizes, maybe try to tell him how it makes you feel.