Do you think this is rude?

How do you eat when you are a guest in someone's home?

I went to my brother's home for the weekend with my family and did not want to "fall off the wagon".  I talked to his wife in advance (a toothpick of a girl I might add that does not know what a diet is) and told her that I am dieting and that I was more than happy to go to the store when I got there to pick up some staples but that I was really on a roll and didn't want to lose my momentum.  She seemed alright with me doing that. 

When we got there, she was actually at the grocery store (she is one that goes to the store daily as she decides what she wants to prepare for the day) and my brother was at the house.  She was on the phone with my bro and asked what "I" wanted for dinner.  I said that anything was fine and that I would just like to have a salad...if they barbecued I would throw my chicken on a salad instead of a bun...problem solved.  THEN, after I passed the phone back to my brother I could hear her going off because I won't eat the chicken sandwich that she was planning. 

I am all about "miss manners", and do not want to offend anyone, especially if I am a guest in their home, so I am looking for suggestions on how you have handled situations like this.  Buck up and eat what they serve?  Be picky and only eat the chicken and leave the bun to go to waste?  Take what they serve but eat less only to be hungry in an hour?

Thanks!

They should respect your opinion, and I know that I would if someone was coming into my home to eat. What did you do? Did she get you the stuff for your salad?

I would have taken myself a salad from home, and then added to it whatever was prepared. That is me... Heck I did that at EASTER this year..... I cut up turkey and through on it....  I would stick to your guns.... That is me! Goof Luck!

No, I don't think you were being rude at all. Why should someone dictate what you eat, not to mention it's your brother's house. It's not like you were trying to please your boss' wife.

first things first. you were not rude what so ever. and everything you said was reasonible. the only other thing i can think to tell you ask what they are making in advanced and plan your intake around it so like if the dinner comes to say 700 cal and your daly intake is 1500 then have 4 200 cal meals or 2 400 cal meals. but sertenly what you did was the right thing. some people are jsut like that

So...she was angry because you wouldn't eat the chicken in the bun?  Strikes me as unreasonable if you're BBQing, or...she was mad because of something else.  Perhaps a little annoyance, but not outright anger.  What did she say when she "went off"?

That said, I'm usually for just eating whatever's been put in front of you.  Eating with family's supposed to be enjoyable, so that's what I do (truth be told, I've never special-ordered anything not offered by the host).  Then again, you'd think they'd at least ask you if you were a vegetarian or allergic to anything...

i bet shes jealous of the fact that you could become the new "skinny one" it is just me, or do people seem to get more annoyed when dieters turn down the host's food as opposed to vegetarians?

i say good for you for sticking to your diet rountine, if she cant handle it, thats on her.

i dont see the big deal about you not eating a bun. maybe your bro's wife has some control issues

Some people! I don't think that was the least bit rude at all and I am always worried about how I come across to others because I can be picky and divarish. You are telling me she went off over $4 dollars tops Lett/tom/cuc. I would have spoke to her when she got back to find out what the problem was. maybe she thought you wanted her to prepare it for you.

I think that if she had a problem with it, she should have mentioned it when you asked.  As a good guest, you notified your hostess of your dietary considerations.  If she chooses to throw a snit fit or not to accomodate them, then she's being a clod.  It's up to you to deal with whatever you're actually served as well as you can.  If there's a goof up, don't eat the stinking bun unless you decide you really want it.  It would be a different matter entirely if your hostess were making the buns from scratch and had just spent hours kneading dough, then I'd say eat one bun or half of one, but a store bought bun, give me a break!

Also, I do think that you should offer to help with the preparations since you do have a special request.  I'm assuming that since you are such a good guest that you also helped with the clean up.  BTW, come to my house anytime!  It's the ones who don't tell you ahead of time that are annoying in my book.

I do not think it was rude of you.  Me, though, being me, I would probably not have even mentioned it b/c I wouldn't want anyone to make anything special for me, but if someone said it to me I would be totally cool w/ it.

Does that help or, um, the opposite?

Either way, what's done is done & you can carry on being super polite & thankful to her so she won't feel bad.

First off, I agree with you, you were considerate and tried to minimize any imposition on your host. But, are you sure you understood her correctly? I mean, if your brother's on the phone with her, and you're hearing her, is it possible you misunderstood what she was talking about, or even if she was going off at all? I would say discuss it with your brother to try to clear things up.

Agreed - how come people can say that they are vegetarian and they are commended, but you say your on a diet and therefore want to eat vegetables - and that earns you disaproving glares, rude comments and huge sighs of frustration???...but only from those not on diets themselves. I think people have got this misconception in their heads about what a "diet" is - probably the fault of the huge diet industry.  People seem to think that being on a diet means some quick and easy pill is taken then you can do whatever you want...wrong! Diets are not easy, they are not fast, and they can't be cheated on just because thats what their making. To stick to it you need to change your whole life-style, if they can't deal with the fact that you want to eat healthy for life, then don't eat at their house anymore. Don't say that you are on a diet - just say you don't eat those types of foods. I usually just tell people now that I want to eat healthy and just refuse to eat it if I don't want to. It's not rude - plenty of people refuse food because they don't like it. Ask around what foods people don't like, and you will find many of foods people refuse to eat - just for taste purposes. So if it helps - maybe just say you don't like it or are allergic to it or something. It may be bending the truth a bit lol, but just think - your thighs are allergic to that fatty gross food - they swell up uncontrollably every time you eat it :P.

Tandt ~ You were ABSOLUTELY not rude.

I had to respond to this post, because I just had this convo w/ my boyfriend this weekend, because we were going to someone's house for dinner, and she was cooking scallops. He cannot eat scallops, so we picked up a piece of teriyaki chicken to throw on the grill as well. He ate all else that was served, mind you. And NO ONE was upset in the least!

I haven't run into this issue either, and I eat very few processed carbs and nearly no sugar. No one minds if I decline the hamburger bun or refrain from the brownie bites. That being said, if I am attending a party or a dinner, I ALWAYS bring a big Greek salad or something "me friendly" in case the hostess is serving, say, garlic bread and penne a la vodka (*drools*)

Something might have been up with your sis-in-law that had nothing to do with food. I mean, what if you were diabetic and you refused cake? Or, a vegetarian who wouldn't eat the burger? You are making a choice to eat a healthy way and being very polite about it to boot. Go you! :-)

~Colleen

Let me play the other side of the coin a bit here -please don't take offense...

I think you have to take a look at the audience when you ask such a question as you have.  All the people on this site are in the same boat as you and are, therefore, likely to side with you over your sister-in-law.  ...Except me.  ...'Cause sometimes I'm contrary like that.

So, let me play devil's advocate here.  -I think a manners site would likely tell you that if you are a guest in another's home, you should eat what they serve and not ask for special consideration.

Now, to play devil's advocate to my devil's advocate, I think that because this isn't a coworker's house and is, instead, a family member's home, I don't think it's really rude for you to ask for special consideration under these circumstances.  If, however, your sister-in-law takes offense and you know it (although she should have been more up-front with you), then I think in the future it's best to go along with what they serve for the sake of peacekeeping.  Or... invite them to YOUR house!  ;-)

That's my 2¢,
-Erica

Being well mannered is totally different than bending your agenda to please others. You have a perfect right to eat exactly what you want. You're there (hopefully) because they want to visit with you.. not watch you eat. They should respect your decision.. and furthermore.. support it. If they don't, that's totally their problem and not yours.

What I actually do when I'm spending time somewhere as a guest is make my own preparations in advance. I cook ahead of time and cart food around with me. That way, they don't have to make any special preparations.. and you know EXACTLY what you're eating.

Why wouldn't you eat the bun?  They are usually only about 110 calories so I don't think it would have killed you. 

You never know, perhaps she planned the chicken sandwich just for you because you said you were eating better. I would personally have eaten the sandwich, and some veggies if available, but not taken the other things that come along with BBQ's (like chips and junk food).

I don't think you were being rude since you discussed in advance that you would be happy to bring along salad fixings. 

However your SIL is probably stressed with hosting her husband's family for the weekend (and no matter how nice you all are it is stressful!) and just had to vent to her hubby.  After all she didn't say it to directly to you and would probably be embarrased if she knows that you heard her venting.

Maybe she needed more veggies for the day instead of processed carbs...either way I don't think you should be forced to eat things you don't want just for propriety. The fact you are on a diet at all shouldn't even have anything to do with it. I'm not even on a diet anymore...I'm maintaining, (but I still and trying my best to be healthy) and I'm sooo sick of people throwing food at me that I don't want trying to "fatten me up" or giving the line "just once won't kill you". WTF?! How do you think I gained weight in the first place? What makes you think I want to be fat again after just going through all that losing it? Why does trying to be healthy suddenly equal rudeness? Just because I'm not as big as you, or don't have this fabulous metabolism that allows me to eat crap all day and have no ill effects, does not mean I get to be forced to eat food I don't want...or rididuled for simply trying to eat better...sometimes I feel like screaming all these things at these people...now THAT would be rude lol...

Sorry I didn't get to the questions sooner...I was eating...go figure! :-)

You would have to know my SIL to understand this one completely.  She is a stay at home mom and yet my brother does the majority of the cooking (after he gets home from a 12-hour day of work).  She thinks that Cheetos are a food group and snacks on junk all day (and stays paper thin).  She really does not know what "healthy" eating is and has never had to worry about weight in her life.  She was one of those that complained about being "fat" when she was pregnant even though she wore her jeans home from the hospital. 

There has been some tension between us which is a whole other story, but if anything, because of that tension, she really tries to "please" me. 

I couldn't just bring my food with me because we travelled across 2 States to get to them.  I absolutely offered to make my own salad and to buy my own (she actually said that she didn't know how to pick out produce so she would leave that to me...my poor brother (I say my poor brother because he shares my genes and has a tendency to put a few extra pounds on as well if he doesn't eat well)).  So I thought that we were fine and I would run to the store when we got there.  I was surprised to find that she was at the store.  BUT, since she was there...how hard is it to buy a head or bag of lettuce?  And of course I offered to make my own "special" changes to dinner and cleaned up everything!

I was raised to eat what was on my plate and that is that.  Eat what is served and however much you are given.  Ugh!  Given that my mom cooked every meal (eating out was only for special special occasions) and we always had a very balanced meal...healthy! 

If it was a formal dinner invite (rather than a weekend with family or friends) I would absolutely just eat what I was served...which you all might still have issue with!

As far as her "going off", she was animated and saying "...she won't eat anything.."...blah, blah, blah, blah.  I looked at my brother and said, "I wasn't trying to cause any problems".  He left the room so that I couldn't hear her anymore. 

Sound like most of you would handle the situation similarily to how I did, but because of how I was raised I did have problems not being "gracious" and simply being thankful for whatever was served.  But as someone stated above...that is what got me into this position in the first place! 

Thanks for the support.  She is very delicate and if ever I voice something contrary to her or her ways, she is easily offended (back to the tension). 

Oh, and as for why didn't I just eat the bun?  Yes, it is only a handful of calories, true, but I haven't had white flour for weeks/months...only wheat (bread, tortillas, etc.) and I just didn't want to break my streak.  I find it easier for me to say no all together than to have just 100 calories of something like that.  A little always leads to more with me.  Will I have white flour again?  Yes, a Krispy Creme donut is calling me in the future, but just not right now!