I think I have really ruined my body - permanently (need ED recovery help, please)

Ok - this is incredibly personal and embarrasing. Please please do not judge me. I already hate what I am doing to myself - I find it so hard to stop because, well, mainly because the way I see it (logically) I have ruined my "system(s)" and If I stop taking THEM I will not be able to function normally (normal as in what I used to before I started with THEM.

What is THEM? Laxative. I have abused them for so so so so so many years. Around the age of 16 I started - don't know how and at the time didn't know why. I was sexually abused by my older brother (that is even more embarrasing then the laxatives perhaps). He was not right, always had lots of problems, etc.....he passed away December 26th of 2005 (like 1.5 years ago) in a half-way house (he was homeless from the age of 19-23 or so, then in jail for a bit, then mental hospitals when he finalyl developed/was diagnosed with schizophrenia (sp) and manic (bi-polar) disorders.). The story/history with him goes on and on.

Anyhow the eating disordered behaviors came once I started the laxatives...weird. I ate very little for a few months. Hated that (cause I have always really liked food) so switched to bulima. I would eat a lot at once then use the laxatives. I went from a normal weight to way underweight. I was originally around 125 pds at 5"2" and then went down to as low as 85.

No one knew this happened with my older brother and I, I didnt tell a soul. I let it eat me up. Wasn't over-weight...nope...but turned to laxatives as a means to "control" my completely out of control life (I was later told this by therapists/doctors). My parents found this out about Brian and I when I was around 21 years of age. WHile away at college my roomates caught on to my bathroom habits, found some laxatives, and told my parents. So, laxative abuse from the age of 16-21ish. Stopped for a little while when I was getting help when I was home for a month during christmas break. Parents put me into an intensive treatment center (Mon-Fri 8AM-6PM then I would go home, did that for a month and then back to college.).

I gained a ton of weight really fast cause they had me eating SOOO much fiber (too much, like 60 grams a day and it actually made it hard for me to poop, not to mention my body didnt know how to anymore on its on from all that laxative abuse). I was eating a lot and a lot fo fiber on top of it. Plus, taking Fiber One supplement pills (as if I needed them - now I relazie that I 'clogged' myself up full of too much fiber).

Somehwhere after that I turned back to laxatives. Its sad - I swore I would never go back to them. I was happy to have my period back (it was gone for like 3 years when I was taking the laxatives). Once again, at like 22 years old I started on the laxatives again like I just said, and I am 25 and still on them.

I really want to stop. Its been like 7 years of being on them (with maybe a 3 month stop inbetween). I do not have my period but I want kids so so so bad in the near future and I am scared that I have:

1.) ruined by systems and I will not be able to go poop like a normal person ever again. I DONT WANT THAT

2.) What if I cannot have kids? Could I have dont that to myself? Doctors say taht isnt a concern with what I was doing...but I dont see how it couldnt be a concern...it seems like it naturally might be. Right? Any doctors/nurses on here able to give me some info on this?

ALSO - please note...I have taken like 120-180 a day. Yes, that many pills a day. For a VERY long time. I stared LOW. But - your body gets used to it and you slightly bump it up. 7 years of bumping it up and here I am at 160ish average. Sick. I take the correctol brand (well the generic ones of that....but its the same)...the womens ones (pink pills.)

Also - I have literally spent a fortune on these. Let's see - that many pills is like $18  dollars a DAY! Gosh!!! I am so stupid.

Please if you are reading this give me advice, especialyl if your a professional. And - please never ever do this and if you are get out early...trust me. I wish I could go back 3, 4, 5, 6, or better yet 7 years and make my decisions over. I just feel like now I am stuck with HAVING to use them cause how can my body go on its own? It hasnt done so in almost a decade!

I am so sad. SO sad that I have done this to myself. It makes me feel so hopeless too. So sorry this is long. I had to get it out.

P.S my parents think I am done with this habit, I think at least. In the back of their minds I am sure they still worry about it and have feelings that I might still do it. Booo...

Now I am going to have a hard time going to bed because I am going to want to come down stairs to my computer to check this topic and all of  your replies (I sure do hope I get some). I am anxious about this. Have been for years...another icky thing to feel. Worried, anxious, and angry at myself.

have you tried not taking the laxitives for a month or so to see if you can poop naturally?  it may take awhile for your body to fix itself.  i'd talk to a doctor, for real. 

Well, first of all if I were you Id tell my parents and doctors. The sooner they can help you get off laxatives again the better. It sounds like you already know all the bad side effects - the next step is to realize that your body is worth saving. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have an addiction, but it's worth the embarassment of telling your family and doctors for you to get healthy.

Have you spoke to a doctor to get help fixing the rpoblem? I wish I had more advice but I really can't. You have been through a tough batle and need to let yourself heal. You also need medical help to fix the physical problems before they get worse. It was so brave of you to share your story and ask for help that was the first step. Talk to a medical professional though so you get proper advise.

My opinion only - I think you should talk with a doctor about this.  You may need to be hospitalized to get off the laxatives.  You probably got bound up before when you were eating a lot of fiber because you weren't drinking enough water.  BUT...I really think it's important that you seek professional help and get off the drugs with their help.

Good luck!!!  Let us know how it goes.  Hopefully you just needed to come to here to say it to strangers first...while working up courage to seek professional help.  Or, to have the courage to speak with your parents about it.

Hon - reach out!  Reaching out to the people in this community is brave and an awesome first step.  I know you want to help yourself.  But we can't monitor you, we can't test you to see if you've impacted your body and need medical treatment.  You really need to see a doctor ASAP.

I did that - professionals and parents. I didnt even tell that part.

So here goes - the rest of the story.

I live with my fiance and the absolute love of my life. He noticed my habits, he went to my parents (he is the best and cares so much and was scared for me and us). They drove in to the city on day (they live in the chicago burbs, us - the city) and talked to me. Me, the fiance, mom and dad....it was a cry fest.

I saw a therapist and nutritionist for about 4 months straight. Weekely.

this was around november of this past year. From nov- aprilish I was seeing the nurtitionist, at around january I added ont he therapist (receomendation of my nutritionist...they work together on multiple patients). It was fine. I was slowly weaning myself off the laxatives and talking about my struggles and past problems with my therapist. Somewhere along the way I stopping slowing down on the laxatives and instead went back up. Why? Cause I wasn't going #2...so I once again thought ok I am screwed...gottta go back. Except I was telling my  nurtitionist that I was sticking with the plan. Week by week cutting it down by 10 or so laxatives. 120, then 110, then 100...etc...

About 1.5 months ago I stopeed seeing both. I mean I really wasnt gaining anything else from my therapist. The meetings were starting to get like "Hmmm..what should we talk about now...". Like it was the same old same old and I was just telling her about my week...It wasnt helping anymore. I felt like I got some feelings out, talked about them, and then I was done. Why waste $150 a visit when it seemed we were not going anywhere anymore. Same with the nutirtionist. I would go in, say what I ate (always truthful, I have no problems getting enough calories), lie about the number of laxatives we agreed on my taking, etc...

Note: we were weaning me off the laxatives slowly cause if I jsut stopped my body would definetly not be able to go on its own....we were slowly getting my body used to lower and lower amounts.

Now - I know how to do this on my own. But, its almost like I need some assurance that I will be able to get my "system" back on track. I know I have a lot of thanks to give to my body. With what I ahve been doing to it for 7 years and that fact that all my  levels are good (I went to the doctors for a check up around november and then again in marchish and everything was 100% great....iron, blood preasure, liver function, etc....all good. How? I don't know. I suppose the body is miraculous....the question is is it miraculous enough to overcome the abuse I ahve dont to my intestines, etc....).

So - I know how to wean myself off. But, if I am going to put myself through the hell of getting there (not going #2 regularly, the discomfort, bloating, etc...) again does anyone know if I will be "normal" ever again, bathroom-wise?

As you can see this really scares me....it petrifies me.

Note: I know all my "levels" are good. Blood test tested this all. My doctor knew what to look for (he knew what I was doing with the laxatives). He';s the first one I told and saw, he recommended me to my nutritionist, who recommended me to to therapist, etc...

So - he was monitoring me.

chicagogal6- I think it is great that you are aware of what you are doing and in addition with your great support group I am positive that you can kick this addiction. 

It is going to take some time and you might experience the bloating and discomfort while your body adjusts.  Heck, we all feel that sometimes.  We're human. 

You sound like a great person and you mentioned that you wanted to have kids in the near future.  Focus on that being the main goal for getting yourself healthy again.  If you were pregnant, you definitely couldn't take the laxatives.  So find a reason like one  day having kids or what not that you can concentrate on and remind yourself when you feel like giving in. 

But most of all do this for you and your health... as well as your future husband and future children.  :)

OK, well, I still think you should give your parents and doctors an "update" then...and your fiance if he doesnt already know whats going on.

If you feel like youre done with the therapist and your fiance provides enough emotional support, then great :) but if the nutritionist was the one helping wean you off of laxatives, you should go give that another try...and this time be 100% honest about everything. In fact, go with your fiance if you can. And this time when you start weaning yourself off of laxatives, never let the dosage go back up!

You said earlier that doctors don't see any reason why you can't have children...that's a good sign, right? If you can get your period back by quitting laxatives, you should be okay if the doctors say so.

A suggestion - Since you have to slowly decrease your laxatives to get your body to adjust.  Maybe you should have your fiance be "in charge" of the laxatives.  Basically, you don't have possession or access to the laxatives so that way he can make sure you do not get over the amount you should be having for the week.  And he can help you slowly but surely become less and less dependant on them.


GOOD LUCK!  And please keep us updated and let us know how your progress comes along.

Good idea, Under, I second that!

I had a friend who tried like 20 times to quit smoking, and then she tried giving the pack to her boyfriend so she had to ask him for each cigarette...and she finally slowed down and then quit.

Or, another way is to write the number of pills you will let yourself have every day on a calendar in advance, with the number slowly decreasing. Show your fiancee the calendar and tell him to only give you a maximum of whatever number it says on the calendar for that day.

Also, maybe you can add some food laxatives to your diet to help your body "get going".  (Scroll down to the REMEDIES section)

Apples
Apple cider vinegar 
Bananas
Bran
Flaxseed oil 
Flaxseed
Beets
Brewer's Yeast/Wheat Germ
Carrot juice
Dates 
Elderflower
Fruit
Garlic
Honey
Licorice
Molasses
Olive oil
Pepper
Persimmon 
Psyllium
Rhubarb
Sauerkraut
Spinach .
Sunflower seeds
Triphala

You're still really young, I don't see why your body wouldn't be able to recover from this even if it's been going on as long as you say. Did your doctor think you've permanently damaged yourself? I doubt it!

You know what to do and how to do it. You have an addiction. That's always hard. I smoked a lot at one time. But one of the main things that helped me quit was wanting to be free of it. I knew how stupid smoking was and I didn't like it, and it's so great to be free now. It was worth it.

You're a brave person. It may be uncomfortable at times but you can do this. And if you have trouble going when you get to a lower dosage, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor or nutritionist for advice. They really won't care about you backsliding, they just want you to be healthy, and so do you. So if you need them don't be ashamed to ask them for help.

You guys are ALL really great. Thanks so much.

After writing the original post last night I (before bed) mized up a dosage of citricel (fiber powder in water, orange flavored). That is what I was supposed to be taking daily, via my nutritionist and doc.

I do have to admit I wasnt good at taking it daily (more like 3X a week) while we were "weaning" me off the Lax. So - I need to put in a better effort eh'?.

Well, just writing and getting this all out helped me start that again. So thanks, a ton.

Also - ont hat list of natural laxatives...how would I incorporate apple cider vinigar into my diet. I mean its not a drink like normal apple cider (too bad too, I love that stuff and if they would help me I would drink an entire gallon a day, haha - so much sugar in that stuff tho!).

Any other foods that might "assist" my body through this?

Flaxseed is a great one from that list.  It really cleans out your system, so to speak.  You can sprinkle some on almost anything you eat, things like oatmeal or pasta are great with it.

Wow. I'm not a doctor and I'm not even going to begin to pretend I have any worthwhile advice on that front. However, I want to add a bit of potentially useful advice on the psychological front.

First, the fact that you WANT to quit abusing laxatives is enough. This was what I found to be true when I finally quit smoking (a year ago on the 24th). Once you truly, 100% WANT to do this, action will follow thought. It will be easy. Really. Okay... "easier." :-)

I think you are there mentally. If you weren't, you wouldn't have posted this. You know exactly what to do, and how to do it. You have the will. Now, it is just a matter of DOING IT. One baby step at a time. None of us can do that for you - you know your doctors can't even do it. You KNOW that already. But we can all sit on the sidelines and cheer you on!

Second, you have the self-awareness to understand this is all about your need for control. That's great! And this leads me to my best advice I can think of: get yourself some books on meditation and practice of Zen Bhuddism. This is all about detaching and learning to let go. I think this will be perfect for you, just the ticket you need.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Again  - continued thanks for all the advice. All advice (as long as its intende to help that is) is good advice :)

Woke up and took my daily dosage of citricel (sp). I took it last night but I know myself and will be mroe likely to stick with it by taking it in the AM.

I hate the texture, slimy and paste like...in a bad way. But not too big of a deal if it will help :)

apple cider vinegar, oil, honey, mustard, pepper, garlic makes an amazing salad dressing

chicagogal6- If you click on the link that I attached to food laxatives and scroll down to REMEDIES, it will give you specific instructions on how to incorporate the food items into your diet.  It was too long so I didn't want to include them on the post. :)