hello people, i dont know if anyone can give me any advice but just wanted to share my problem.
Im 19, 5'6 and weigh 113lbs which is apprently underweight. I have lost 20lbs since may but i know i dont eat enough at all (only 800-1000 calories). I do 3hours of cardio exercise a week and 4hours of ballroom dancing. I think i have EDNOS which may have come as a result of my depression (im on anti-depressants).
Anyways, i probably know better than anyone how many calories to have a day and the healthiest diet etc but iv cut so many foods out and got into a routine of only eating certain foods everyday that iv become scared of other food.
On a typical day i eat:
Breakfast: 2spoons of museli, 2 spoons of seeds, 2 spoons of low fat yoghurt
Lunch: tuna salad
&nb sp; -or-
&nb sp; 4 ricecakes/oatcakes with low fat cheese spread
&nb sp; -or-
&nb sp; 1/2 tin of beans and 1 spoon of cottage cheese
Dinner: chicken/cod/salmon/1 quorn sausage and ALOT of veg!
Snack: Apple, celery, tomatoes
I can continue eating like this for now but i know that im damaging my body and missing out on alot of foods. I (used to) love food and still love the taste of it but iv scared myself from it and even if i still ate the same amount of calories but did it by including pasta/bread/rice etc i would see it as a "bad day" (even though i know how healthy the wholegrain versions are).
I was just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or has any suggestions to help me enjoy food again without it being an obsession?!?
thankyou xxx
Hey. You are the first person who I can honestly say has the identical diet pattern and problems to me.
We literally eat the exact same thing. I've only lost 14 lbs since around May. I have scared myself away from food as well. I get so frustrated with myself because all I want to do is eat like everyone else, and eat a pizza and enjoy it, but I could never ever do that. Just the thought of how many calories are in one slice of pizza makes me feel physically sick. To eat it is a near impossibility! I can't go to a super market to get any food for lunch, I will end up walking out with a plain salad or piece of fruit, after being in there for nearly an hour trying to decide.
If I eat pasta I feel like I've let myself down for that day so will sometimes fast the next day.
We are different in one way though that I'm not classed as under weight, I'm 5'3 and 111 pounds.
I can't give you any advice unfortunately, I wish so much that I could, so then I could help myself!
Don't let it get you down too much, it's hard but we need to try and not let food run our lives! xxx
I relate 100%...exept, my patterns like that turned into full blown anorexia bulimia. It was awful. I'm trying to recover now, and I'm dealing with a lot of physical consequences. (Just went to the doctor yesterday and got a blood test done to check for some weird H. Pylori in my stomach, and I have Peptic ulcers, and I have insomnia, and tons of stress related symptoms causing harm to my body. I have to keep a food diary with pain descriptions and everything these next 2 weeks, go back to the doctor, and she'sgoing to evaluate it. I also have to cut dairy out completely for now and also take Prevacid. I'm REALLY sick. And it's my fault...) Yeah, so it's not fun.
I'm definately STILL scared of food, even though I LOVE it. And I'm scared to show my doctor the food diary, because I know I still eat a very restricted amount of food...but part of me wants her to notice how obsessive I am, because I'm too damn scared to tell her about my problem myself, so I'm logging calories in it as well. (Like I didn't do that already anyway)
Something like this isn't easy to come out of. It's just great knowing I've got people around me at school who care about me and who I can talk to. That alone has literally helped me a LOT.
Last year I went from a healthy 145 lbs to 110 lbs (I'm 5'6''-or 7'')all in the course of 5 months. I looked soooo sick. And although I am at a healthier 128 lbs now, I'm still just about the same size as I was when I was 110, but just in a healthier and toned way; but I'm still not happy with my body, and I relapse a lot with my disorderly behaviour. It's difficult to live with, but I'm determined to get out of this prison I've locked myself up in for so long.
Hang in there because I know you can get through it. :)
Your literally reading what goes on in my mind every day.
I'm obsessed with food programs because I love food and would love to eat it! I buy recipe books and buy nice food but never do anything with it. But the thought of 1200 calories seems extortionate. Yesterday I sat and ate all day and managed to reach 1000, I've not done this for - I can't remember, and I felt so so sick. I found myself in alone on a Saturday night working out to try and burn it off. Now I can't imagine eating a thing today without feeling like crying, hopefully my boyfriend won't make me eat anything.
And xbarmyx I get all those things to. Is it like a tickley uncomfortable feeling in your chest you can't get rid of?
I think this type of thing is totally to do with control, I feel like I could get a panic attack if I'm out and given food I don't want and there is no way I can't eat it without looking ungrateful or like I have a problem! I do anything to get out of eating out and ONLY eat if I know how many calories are in it.
It is exhausting. Doesn't help that it is interfering with my final year exams and project.
I'm worried that this way of life is damaging my insides without me realising it yet, and before I know it it will be too late. I feel fine now, but how long will that last?
I know exactly how you feel!
I am recovering from an eating disorder and I have realised how much I have made myself hate food. I have a few safe foods so I have just decided to stock up on them and make sure I meet at least 1200 calories per day. If I don't I feel like a failure because I haven't given my body the food it needs just to function! Let alone any activities I have done that day.
I do love food and its somthing thats always on my mind but when it comes to allowing myself the food I REALLY want sometimes it just never happens because I feel extremely guilty. Its somthing I guess we have to work really hard on but knowing you are not alone can sometimes help :)
Hope you're okay & really try your best to up your calories hun.
its so comforting to hear someone thinking like me....wish you lived near me(because noone else seems to undertsand!).
im the same with recipie books etc too!! i spend hours researching new recipies online and love going into book shops to look at recipie books. I also love going food shopping (but hate it too) because i love looking at all the food id love to eat! Someone once suggested to me that it sounds like i dont like myself because going into a shop to look at all the choclocate etc and then walking away is a way of punishing myself. Hmm?
Im trying not to let it affect my work and you should too, i try and use work as a distraction and im really trying to throw myself into it this term. But it has majorly affected my social life, i love my parents and friends comming to visit me a uni but i panick too because i know it involves eating "out of my norm". It has really upset my family and i feel bad but they have to understand its not my fault!
As for the chest pains, i cant really explain it properly...sometimes abit tight feeling but then like getting nervous butterflies. Is that what you get?
I think that maybe we need to alter our feelings and take a leaf out of little_butterfly's book by turning it round and feeling like we have lost control if we dont eat at least 1,200 (because thats the minimum we should be giving our bodies). Our bodies have done so much for us and we are abusing them and disrespecting them..perhaps we need to start appreciating them? Thankyou for the advice little_butterfly
xxxx
Original Post by xbarmyx:thankyou for both of your replies, its comforting knowing im not alone :)
mariposasola1 im with u on loving food but being scared of it...how does that work!?! iv always been passionate about food but in a way i feel anger towards it now for doing what it has to me!
im scared of what damage im doing to my body....i hardly sleep, always exhausted, headaches, funny chest feelings, always cold, pins and needles in my leg, bones showing through, hurts to sit on hard things etc etc. Im happy with my legs and abs but i hate how "unhealthy" i look on my top half, even my veins stick out alot.
so howcome i cant eat?!? iv done all the calculations, know about the 1,200 level but feel strange if i ever meet the 1,200 level and spend hours debating how many (30 calorie) ricecakes to have for my lunch.
i was reading a "diet" in a magazine yesterday and thought that if a nutritionalist/dietician put me on that diet and made all my food and told me when to eat then i could do it no problem but i could never bring myself to eat more food like that on my own.
is this to do with control? why is this going on?
xxxx
Yes, it's just a strange relationship we have with food. You really might want to concider seeing your doctor though, but only when you've fully decided to recover. I know, it will be hard, and it's a very rough road to go down, but it's totally worth it to heal. I know how exactly everything you are going through has been a burden and how it has been confusing for you. Just keep your head up. You WILL be okay. :)
LOTS of love
Ash
Original Post by torpidire:
You all sound JUST like me! I read cookbooks more than anything else, and I love to look up recipes online. A lot of the time, I'll stand in front of the refrigerator or pantry and just look at the food, trying to figure out what to eat. it takes me hours sometimes to decide what to have for a meal, and when it's my turn to make dinner, it could take me all week just to plan one stinkin' meal. And grocery shopping? Don't even get me started. I end up going and spending 2+ hours there, scrutinizing what seems like every item in every aisle and come out with nothing, or maybe a bag of lettuce or some celery. I know I'm recovering from an eating disorder, but the thoughts never seem to go away. I can eat normally, but it almost physically hurts to do so, I feel so guilty. I wish it would just stop, because as much as I love the taste of food and the feeling of being full and the nourishment it's giving my body, I'm torn apart with guilt afterward. It's sick, isn't it, how something so good can turn into something so bad?
GAH! This is SO FREAKY! I do the exact same thing!
yeah...I understand the guilt. I go through it every stinking day, even though I still eat under my recomended daily amount...I hate it :(
Original Post by mariposasola1:Original Post by torpidire:
You all sound JUST like me! I read cookbooks more than anything else, and I love to look up recipes online. A lot of the time, I'll stand in front of the refrigerator or pantry and just look at the food, trying to figure out what to eat. it takes me hours sometimes to decide what to have for a meal, and when it's my turn to make dinner, it could take me all week just to plan one stinkin' meal. And grocery shopping? Don't even get me started. I end up going and spending 2+ hours there, scrutinizing what seems like every item in every aisle and come out with nothing, or maybe a bag of lettuce or some celery. I know I'm recovering from an eating disorder, but the thoughts never seem to go away. I can eat normally, but it almost physically hurts to do so, I feel so guilty. I wish it would just stop, because as much as I love the taste of food and the feeling of being full and the nourishment it's giving my body, I'm torn apart with guilt afterward. It's sick, isn't it, how something so good can turn into something so bad?GAH! This is SO FREAKY! I do the exact same thing!
yeah...I understand the guilt. I go through it every stinking day, even though I still eat under my recomended daily amount...I hate it :(
I cry with frustration with not having the ability to just pick something up and eatit, without having to think how many calories are in it, how much fat, how long will I have to work out to burn it off, then 9 times out of 10 I will never eat it. It's such an exhausting process to go through every day. I felt so good yesterday that I hadn't eaten a thing, but now I read threads saying eating nothing will make you put on weight??? How that is possible I have o idea. I'm so confused :(
Reintroducing foods is scary, I will admit that. I remember the first bit of peanut butter I had after months of denying myself, my hand was shaking, lol. What worked for me was, I would introduce a new food every couple of days. Like first I reintroduced peanut butter. After a few days of not being terrified by it, I tried having whole wheat pastas for dinner. When I was okay with that, I tried nuts as snacks, etc.
If you try to eat a full-blown regular diet your first day, you may be overwhelmed with guilt and emotions and end up purging or giving up. Just like when a person decides to diet, they usually don't throw out all the soda and cut out all unhealthy eating. They take one step like cutting soda. I really hope you can learn to enjoy food again.
I know exactly what you all mean. I used to love going out and having elaborate dinners with my husband. Now all i can think about are the calories. I spend all day reading about food, recipes, restaurant reviews, caloric information. It's so hard. I used to be really thin and this wasn't a problem, but this past year it doesn't seem like I can do anything right to control my weight.
I guess that's why i started purging after all of my binges. I love sweets too much and I could just forget about dinner now since I've ruined it for myself, but things like cake and cookies and ice cream....they are so indulgent and forbidden and terrible. It's pretty miserable throwing up everyday. I think my husband might just be anorexic, and the really screwed up thing is that I'm jealous of him. i wish I could just be afraid and not eat all day, now I make it to about 8pm and the pigging out starts. I feel like my body is betraying me somehow, like I'm not really connected to this hideous thing and committing these hideous acts.
I feel so much better reading all these post and knowing Im not alone. Its so hard to be around my friends and family anymore when going out to eat, to a theme park, to the movies, anywhere bc food always comes up. I have to paln ahead what am I going to bring so im still eating with them, but then i look crazy bc i bring an apple to snack on.
My husband always begs me and says this year will you eat normal. It makes me so upset we cant go out to eat anywhere new. Only safe places I know the calories counts. Its not fair to him. I feel awful.
I too graze the grocery store for hours looking at food I wish I could eat. Reading the back of everything and leaving with the same foods like last time, never anything new.
I get mad at food like all of you, like i get so pissed when my husband or people around me are eating things I only wish I could eat. How come they can eat all that and not feel one bit of regret? Why cant I? Its not just not fair.
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