I am so scared

I don't think I have ever been this scared. I'm a highschooler, 5ft 1/2in on a good day, but probably only 5ft, and i weigh 80 pounds.

I've been to a nutritionist more than i can count, therapy even more, psychatrist more, doctors galore, and I simply have yet to understand what I have, why I am doing this, and why the heck I can't stop.

Of course, I mean, I know the straight medical information, but I was the level headed person who corrected everyone's problems.

I finally know that nothing will work unless I want it for myself, not because a doctor told me to, and at my own pace or else I will end up relapsing, again.

So, in addition to the latest plan given by the nutrionist, I simply can't bring myself to do it - I am scared.

So, I suppose, I would appreciate your stories, if you are willing to share.

What it was like for you at first, how much you gained at first, if people noted it, how you felt, etc.

Or, anything you want, really, I think, I just need to know that perhaps I'm not so different from the world, after all.

totally relatable, i have recovered my ED so it is possible!

keep out some of my earlier posts, you might find something worth looking at

this one i just did then shows that its worth it >>> http://caloriecount.about.com/forum-discussio n-ft124880#last

this is a bit of info also >> http://caloriecount.about.com/users/holbee/22 5658.html

im not quite sure where ur at in recovery, if you need anyone to talk to im here

Even though you might risk a relapse by just following the plan I still think it's worth it.  As you gain weight, your mental outlook will change along with your perceptions.  Even if you follow the plan without buying into it completely you're still improving your health and decreasing your dangers.

You're at a crossroads....  You've got the information, you've had professional advice, you're an intelligent, capable person.  I don't think it's more information you really need or testimonials from other people it's more the confidence and willingness to take the advice & choose the right path from this point.   Like the proverbial horse, you've been led to the water, the water is good and you're pretty thirsty but now you have to drink.... 

"Why I am doing this".....   Smwhipple is giving you good advice there about mental outlook.   Brain function and behaviour is affected by what you eat or what you don't eat.  Your capacity for logic and rationality is severly impaired by lack of food and/or a poor diet (especially one that lacks fats).   The less you eat, the less capable you are of making good decisions, the more frightened and irrational you become, the more that carrying on the same way gets skewed in your mind as the 'best thing to do'.  Do you see how it's a predictable vicious circle?   As you eat more and as your brain becomes better nourished the better your mental outlook will become more rational, more logical... more normal.   And you'll wake up at some point and the rational you will have the upper hand again.   Which is why 'rote eating' or 'mechanical eating' is so beneficial ... it gets you past the first hurdle. 

What other people have done and how fast they gained, and so on, it will not all apply to you. Recovery is so often a journey that alters for each person even if some similarities exist. Furthermore, comparing yourself to others, in my experience, makes things all the harder.

In the Maudsley method treatment, they focus on weight restoration before mental. Getting their child or whoever is under their care out of a danger zone before they centre on the mental. It would be very much worth your while to do the same; keep eating to a plan, even if you feel you're not fully on board for all this right now, and get yourself to a point you're not physically in danger any more. All the nutrition you need, all the protection you need, everything restriction will have robbed your body of.

In turn, without that proper nutrition you're going to be more prone to depression and sadness, and questioning common sense. As you feed yourself better and take the advice you've been given by professionals that fog of sadness will pass. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you struggle to see it right now.

Though I am stressing that you need to eat as you've been directed, and that weight restoration is crucial, I know it isn't everything too. This is not only about repairing the physical damage restriction and eating disorders cause but repairing the damage to your own mind. Amidst all this I want you to tell your therapist or whoever you feel you can talk to about this on your team about what you've just written here. That you still don't fully understand your problems. That you'd like to understand. And I get the feeling if you understand them more, you will a) know where to begin fighting and b) get a new drive to fight them.

If you won't be able to see your team any time soon, do you have a friend, family member, or clergymember or similar you can at least talk to? Get things off of your chest? If not, there are always helplines available as much there are journals, blogs, anything you can use to get all the muddled emotions in your head onto paper or screen. Just as long as they're not built up in your mind, making this harder for you.

Stick to the plans you've been given. Talk to your team about how you feel. You're not so different, and you deserve help and health as much anyone else does.

I know how scary this must be for you, especially when its the "first time" you're seeking help and the first time you've been diagnosed. I remember when I first was diagnosed anorexic, I was 15 or 16. My doctor wanted me hospitalized ASAP. Several days later, I was walking home from school when my parents drove up alongside me, told me to get in the car and then so began the drive to my first inpatient.

Its hard. No one can give you predictions or tell you how your recovery will go. Some people are able to recover after the first bout of treament. Others of us have been through the relapse/recover/relapse/recover process several times before it begins to stick. How much weight you will gain isn't something you should waste your energy worrying about. When you first begin eating and restoring fluid in your body - yes there will be a gain. You probably won't gain near as much as ED would like to lead you to believe, though no matter what ED will still try to upset you. You may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but I promise it gets better and everyday is generally easier than the day before. Eating becomes less frightening, less anxiety provoking.  Everything gets better and easier to deal with in time and with experience.

People didn't notice I had gained weight, they just said I had more color in my face, that I looked more alive and that I seemed more like myself. Of course, it was hard for me to grasp that. "I gained THIRTY pounds you know." "What? Where? I mean yea, you look a bit more alive, but not 30 pounds. You must be joking." Very typical conversation that took place between myself and classmates, friends, family. When you are malnourished and underweight, most of the weight you gain is virtually invisible - its all going into your organs and muscles to rebuild and repair the damage caused by starvation.

The thing with recovering is that it doesn't always feel good. Not everyday is "I feel stronger, I feel happier, I will keep going." Some days are "I hate this. I feel sick. But I still have to do this." Particularly in the begining, it is hard to stay motivated. But you must follow your meal plans - it will only get harder in the future if you don't. I know from experience, one day off means the next day ED will be saying "Well you didnt eat this or this yesterday, so you can't today." And the next day it will be something else. And by the end of the week, when you haven't gained, you'll have to increase calories and you end up not knowing what to do with yourself. So you really truly are better off following your plan. Its just so much simpler. I know it will be anxiety provoking at first, but if you manage through just that first day of accomplishing it, the days that follow will get easier and easier and it won't be a big deal anymore. You even start to feel good about what you're doing for yourself, especially when you see how much better you feel inside. If its hard to do something for yourself, think of how happy your family will be to have the real you back, to have you healthy and alive. That always helps me when I'm struggling.

I have two immediate family members who face the on-going struggles of eating disorders.  One was hospitalized, twice, for more than a month, the other was able to move on once she was no longer depressed.  I don't say that to scare you, but just to show that everyone is different in how they have to deal with their own issues.  Thus, you're right to acknowledge that this is something that can only be tackled when you're ready.  At the same time, the fact that you're posting on this forum at all shows me that you're getting pretty close to ready, at least being ready to accept that you need help.  If you truly feel out of control, a long-term (30-day) treatment facility is likely your best bet.  At those facilities they remove the issue of control entirely and you can focus on becoming well mentally.  Just like with any other addiction, going through this period of "withdrawal" is usually best done with the help of professionals.  It's going to be a tough battle, but I have no doubt that you can succeed.  My relatives have both come through and are able to eat normal, healthy food and exercise to maintain healthy, though athletic, builds.  I wish you the best of luck.   

Thank you to everyone <3
I know that I NEED to do this, and if I don't like it, well I will simply need to get over and learn to like it, and hopefully myself too.

As for today, well, I tried. I, unfortunatly, didn't push myself as hard as I wanted.
(I think the nutritionist gave up with exact meals just makes me need to get to x amount of calories with as much fat as possible)
Unforunatly, I haven't been good the past weeks, and went back to lying about what meals I ate, kept skipping lunches, etc.

Today, I had my cereal (2 cups, skim milk - yes, I shouldn't have skim, but since I grew up with it, whenever I have whole milk I get the worst stomache aches ><).
Throughout the day I finally got the courage to nosh on my peanut butter sandwich (4 tbsp. of pb, 2 natures promise whole wheat bread) that I have thrown out since, ever :/.

AND, for dinner, I pushed myself - not my mom bothering me - to have some pizza.

Okay, so not a lot, and not even slightly near what I should be eating - but, I am trying, this is double what I use to eat :/, and I WILL be healthy, I just need to increase day by day.

I've got to do this. I will be healthy. I will have stamina. I will be able to focus. I will get rid of my anxiety. I will be social. I will enjoy my life. I will.

Well done.. Sounds like you're taking responsibilty for yourself.  That's good.   Sadly, the only person affected by lying about what meals you ate and skipping lunches was you....  Something of a "Pyrrhic Victory".  However, if you keep challenging yourself and succeeding, even in small ways, you'll boost your confidence and your opinion of yourself will increase.  Then it'll get easier and easier.  Good luck.

I agree with gi-jane, very well done.  Just taking this challenge, like any challenge, day by day will make it more maneagable.  What I didn't mention in my last post was that I, like my relatives, also struggled with this issue for a bit, though not to the same extent.  One of the things that helped me the most was that I am a very serious student with a life and identity that revolves around using my brain.  As I reached intake levels that were more appropriate for my body, I was able to actually focus (and stay awake!) in class and learn concepts that had previously evaded my understanding.  I also work out a lot and I was shocked at the increase in my fitness level when my body finally had the calories and fat available to give me stamina and help build muscle.  Therefore, it's great that you recognize the good things that will come from being good to your body - it will reward you!

Oh my, it's strange, I think, that my friends simply gorge themselves happily and it's so easy for them.

Meanwhile, I struggle to push myself to eat 1200 (starting small) and when I do, I just seem to feel worse about myself with ED constantly nagging how when I wake up I gain 10 pounds and just feel so big, etc.

I can't seem to grasp that a body needs 2500min for gaining weight, when for the past 3 years I have drilled into my brain that 900cal is much to high.

I yearn for my concentration back, my focus, and my determination in school. I still get straight A's, but it's been so much harder for me to keep that up then it has ever been.

So far, I had cream of wheat, 3 packs >< (300), some kashi pizza (400), a few handfuls of cereal (120), a few finger dips in pb (90), and pushed myself for a few pieces of reeses pieces (80).

And, I know I still need to have more. I can't help but feel dissapointed with myself for eating so much, I hate you ED. :[

I know its hard to understand. I felt the same way. But I seriously did not gain an ounce until I pushed to 2500+. Its okay not to start there right away, your body and your mind need time to adjust. But don't take too too long either. I think it took me 2 weeks or so to get my calories up there. Honestly, it is better for you to eat more now to gain the weight. If you eat a bare minimum of calories, yes you may slowly, slowly gain a bit. But it is so much better for your body to just give it what it needs now and then some. Plus, if you stick to a restricted diet, you will never feel safe eating a normal amount of food with variety.

Be proud of yourself for the things you have already accomplished, but don't let the lens of an eating disorder manipulate your eyes. 90 calories of peanut butter is one whole, rounded tablespoon. I really dout a few swipes in the jar with one of your little fingers is that much, dear. And most dry cereals have a serving of 1 to 1.5 cups - a few handfuls is probably about a third of that, if you have a real good fistfull.  ED is very good at making us believe we are eating more than we actually are. That's why in the begining of recovery, measuring and following portion sizes is really important. I know its a pain in the butt, but you really can't trust ED not to interfere with your judgement, so its best to use measurements or have someone else do it for you.

You mentioned being in high school. Does your family know? Are they willing to help? Something that helps me is if I make a menu plan for each week with my mom, that way I don't feel as guilty about whatever it is I eat because its what was planned so I know its what I need to have. And following an eating pattern helps your body develop hunger cues eventually, and it also kinda stops you from running into the "oh no! I only got X calories but I need Y! What else can I eat to make up the difference!" issue. Which not everyone minds, but I, at least, find to be a bit troubling. Also, having your family involved may help you on harder days, they can help you stay on track and help you make choices if you are having a bad day and feel like you can't.

On the milk, start by mixing in maybe a quarter cup of the whole milk and filling the rest with your skim milk.  Then increase the amount of whole milk as you go.  That will gradually accustom you to the flavor change without making it too abrupt.