scared

ok so im starting to get really stressed , ive started to worry because ive had this ed for 14 years that the damage is done and i have left it to late to repair things , my bones are in such a mess , and im spending my days feeling angry with myself for what ive done over the years perhaps its the eating disorder tricking me into thinking i dont need to change , i dont know but i feel almost stuck in a corner .

Helen what are you doing? You know you're th eonly one who can beat this. You can repair your body and reverse things but you have to take advantage of the time that you have. You have everyone on this web site's support. All you  have to do is be in charge of consuming the calories.

You've asked some really good questions along the way so you should be completely fluent in what you have to do. You have to eat. That's what you have to do. You have to rest and eat or you will slip back and you will give your life up to the disease. This time, with all of the support and all of the friends (including me) you have here, if you slip, you can't argue that its your responsibility, you can't blame anything other than your lack of desire. Take advantage of your desire to get better and just do it. Everyone here is rooting for you, but you have to do it. And you have to do it now, because there's barely anything of you left, and I'd love to see you travel the world and get married and have babies rather than let your body eat away at your bones and muscles because you won't feed it and eventually eat your heart, lungs, liver, until you fade away...

Tessa I had my ed for 15 years I guess now on and off. I will say since I have gained a lot so far I am feeling and facing a lot from what the ed took away. I spent I would say 3 days last week crying from emotions,fear,anxiety.  I sat with the feelings and allowed myself to feel and not use the ed. There are things health and life wise I will never get back but I remind of the things that are positive that can happen and other health issues that could happen if I don't keep in recovery. You can't change the past and beating yourself up only take the emphasis off what you need to do today. Many people repair their body and life from very long ed. You may feel stuck but it is the fear that is making you feel that way. You must stay strong or you will never adjust to a new lifestyle. What happened with life goals like with animals etc? I hope you are tying to get involved in things and ways to meet people. You can stick to the plan. Everytime the ed tells you not to eat the plan think of all the possible health things that can happen and what the ed has taken away. I know it is like a catch 22 because one looses so much to the ed it is hard to see things in a different light but they can be. I really wish you saw what others see in you. You encourage others and know what others should do in terms of recovery and you are no different.

abbie bethany thanks greatly for your support you are both so wise and always know the right thing to say. im sorry for moaning on , i think ive struggled more with my theapist being off. i can do this though i dont want to fade i want to blossom . im going to really make the effort to beat this, my mum is going to start making my meals so that will be a help . abbie im sorry for what you have been going through , the fear and aniety but it is the only way isnt it ? to see the light at the end of the tunnel . i admire you both and your honesty . abbi im glad you are reminding yourself of the positives , you are such and inspiration together we can beat this h xx

thanks for the boost

*hug* Helen you will blossom as long as you keep trying to get better. You have had this illness for so long and yes you have done damage to your body but you can stop any further damage being done. Keep working on keeping your calories up and eating a good balance of foods and the damage will be repaired. If you stop now you`ll only make things worse.

The longer you keep this going the harder it will be to kick, nows your chance, you really want to be free of this and you can be. Start believing in yourself, stop being so hard on yourself for things you have done before, we have all made mistakes and done damage but we can turn them around and fix them. Remember you have lots of people here supporting you and we all want to see you free of this.

xox

Okay tessa, abbi, and the others...I'd like to share my experience. I know I'm a moderator but I'm also human. People expect me to portray something unrealistic, as if I don't have struggles and image issues. After suffering from anorexia I am unsure of whether anyone can truly say that it is completely gone. Weight restoration is one thing, and I've achieved that but honestly I struggle nearly every day. My mind plays tricks on me when I see a tan, young, thin girl whose thighs don't touch and I can see that she got thàt way unhealthily (usually by seeing what she orders at a restaurant or how vigorouslý she works out at the gym) and my mind jumps to me having the desire to return to the sickly and emaciated body that I had grown so used to and obsessed with. The thin girl that could captivate attention everywhere she went, forgetting that this was negative attention. Then I snap back to reality and realize that my life was a real mess. I used my ed to detract from all the things that I didn't want to face and the emotions I didn't want to feel. Because I no longer have that source of distraction I cry often and I'm very sensitive but I'm happier now. I don't feel like a zombie. I feel real, lively, and exuberant. Yes that means feeling the bad but it also allows me to feel the good and the tradeoff is worth it, I am living again.

It will be hard to quiet the voices that tell you you're not hungry or don't need to eat or that you don't deserve to be healthy but its like a muscle thàt grows every time you use it...each time you say no and fight back the reaction becomes more thoughtless and easier to make. You can say no, no, no ...I hated my life with you and I'm taking it back. Thing is that only you have that power. Right now you are powerless and your body has become a target of abuse, and you're the abuser so nothing anyone can do will stop it if you don't first commit to wanting it to stop. Truly commit. If in this moment you say, you know what I've lost so much time and it has gotten me nowhere, I am done with this life...ÝÓu can recover right now. The weight will take time to come back but the hard part is internal. Letting go of the artifical control we think we have. Sweetie there is so much love and support floating around here and you just have to reach for it in times of need. We will remind you why you need to do this, what you will gain from closing the door to the tragic disease that has taken your life away...please don't give up on yourself. This is a battle that you can win but it won't be easy. With support though it will be EASIER so make the choice today, right now and we will support you every step of the way. If you want to talk about your fears or anyÞhing àt all just pm me. That goes for all of you :)

Are you seeing a doctor/nutritionist/therapist about your ED?

Original Post by chrissy1988:

Okay tessa, abbi, and the others...I'd like to share my experience. I know I'm a moderator but I'm also human. People expect me to portray something unrealistic, as if I don't have struggles and image issues. After suffering from anorexia I am unsure of whether anyone can truly say that it is completely gone. Weight restoration is one thing, and I've achieved that but honestly I struggle nearly every day. My mind plays tricks on me when I see a tan, young, thin girl whose thighs don't touch and I can see that she got thàt way unhealthily (usually by seeing what she orders at a restaurant or how vigorouslý she works out at the gym) and my mind jumps to me having the desire to return to the sickly and emaciated body that I had grown so used to and obsessed with. The thin girl that could captivate attention everywhere she went, forgetting that this was negative attention. Then I snap back to reality and realize that my life was a real mess. I used my ed to detract from all the things that I didn't want to face and the emotions I didn't want to feel. Because I no longer have that source of distraction I cry often and I'm very sensitive but I'm happier now. I don't feel like a zombie. I feel real, lively, and exuberant. Yes that means feeling the bad but it also allows me to feel the good and the tradeoff is worth it, I am living again.

It will be hard to quiet the voices that tell you you're not hungry or don't need to eat or that you don't deserve to be healthy but its like a muscle thàt grows every time you use it...each time you say no and fight back the reaction becomes more thoughtless and easier to make. You can say no, no, no ...I hated my life with you and I'm taking it back. Thing is that only you have that power. Right now you are powerless and your body has become a target of abuse, and you're the abuser so nothing anyone can do will stop it if you don't first commit to wanting it to stop. Truly commit. If in this moment you say, you know what I've lost so much time and it has gotten me nowhere, I am done with this life...ÝÓu can recover right now. The weight will take time to come back but the hard part is internal. Letting go of the artifical control we think we have. Sweetie there is so much love and support floating around here and you just have to reach for it in times of need. We will remind you why you need to do this, what you will gain from closing the door to the tragic disease that has taken your life away...please don't give up on yourself. This is a battle that you can win but it won't be easy. With support though it will be EASIER so make the choice today, right now and we will support you every step of the way. If you want to talk about your fears or anyÞhing àt all just pm me. That goes for all of you :)

I make no excuses for quoting the whole of Chrissy's post purely for my very short reply.

Just wanted to say thanks Chrissy for a wonderful, insightful and supportive answer to Helen's concerns.  I'm sure such concerns are ones that many of us on here have had or do still have.  I know I do, and I wanted to step in here and just state how much Chrissy's post means to me aswell.  Thank you!!

Original Post by chrissy1988:

Okay tessa, abbi, and the others...I'd like to share my experience. I know I'm a moderator but I'm also human. People expect me to portray something unrealistic, as if I don't have struggles and image issues. After suffering from anorexia I am unsure of whether anyone can truly say that it is completely gone. Weight restoration is one thing, and I've achieved that but honestly I struggle nearly every day. My mind plays tricks on me when I see a tan, young, thin girl whose thighs don't touch and I can see that she got thàt way unhealthily (usually by seeing what she orders at a restaurant or how vigorouslý she works out at the gym) and my mind jumps to me having the desire to return to the sickly and emaciated body that I had grown so used to and obsessed with. The thin girl that could captivate attention everywhere she went, forgetting that this was negative attention. Then I snap back to reality and realize that my life was a real mess. I used my ed to detract from all the things that I didn't want to face and the emotions I didn't want to feel. Because I no longer have that source of distraction I cry often and I'm very sensitive but I'm happier now. I don't feel like a zombie. I feel real, lively, and exuberant. Yes that means feeling the bad but it also allows me to feel the good and the tradeoff is worth it, I am living again.

It will be hard to quiet the voices that tell you you're not hungry or don't need to eat or that you don't deserve to be healthy but its like a muscle thàt grows every time you use it...each time you say no and fight back the reaction becomes more thoughtless and easier to make. You can say no, no, no ...I hated my life with you and I'm taking it back. Thing is that only you have that power. Right now you are powerless and your body has become a target of abuse, and you're the abuser so nothing anyone can do will stop it if you don't first commit to wanting it to stop. Truly commit. If in this moment you say, you know what I've lost so much time and it has gotten me nowhere, I am done with this life...ÝÓu can recover right now. The weight will take time to come back but the hard part is internal. Letting go of the artifical control we think we have. Sweetie there is so much love and support floating around here and you just have to reach for it in times of need. We will remind you why you need to do this, what you will gain from closing the door to the tragic disease that has taken your life away...please don't give up on yourself. This is a battle that you can win but it won't be easy. With support though it will be EASIER so make the choice today, right now and we will support you every step of the way. If you want to talk about your fears or anyÞhing àt all just pm me. That goes for all of you :)

 chrissy what can i say that made me cry but in a nice way.thankyou for sharing that with us , thanks for the insite and your honesty . you have made me see i can do this . i tell you one thing though if i think of those girls hiding in there nutshell and you battling away every day id prefer to be you. you are such an inspiration . god chrissy if you were totally recovered you would make a cracking theapist .i dont really no what to say only thanks for making me see the light and continuing to support me you girls have been my rock over the last few months the support just grows everyday . i have the power and i know with your support i can do this h x

Helen, what everyone above me has said is on the money. You have NOT left it too late to repair things, I promise you. It's possible to repair your body so long as you continue on the path you're on. It's normal to feel stressed and scared about this but I have faith you will keep moving forward. But faith from me and everyone else is not enough - you need to have faith in YOURSELF. You're so kind and supportive and you need to use those beautiful qualities to help yourself. Would you tell any of us that it's too late to get better, that we don't need to change? No, I'm fairly sure you wouldn't. So you need to learn to be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else. You deserve everything you're working towards. Recovery is scary as hell, it really is..but if you think about it, down the track, won't it all be worth it? You are so much more than this ED, you have goals to achieve, people to meet and places to see, all things a part of life that you won't be able to experience if you believe that you do not need to change. But you know what, you have changed. You actually are angry at what has happened in the past and you really want to reverse the damage. And this is a big fat F-U to that tragic disease, just as Chrissy said, that has taken your life away..but really cannot continue to.

I hope I made a fraction of sense here, all my thoughts just came tumbling out which led to a usual ramble of mine!

Keeping you in my thoughts!

Chrissy thank you for sharing. Very motivating. I do believe that part of why weight recovery or actually ed in general like quitting to purge as well is so hard because things often feel worse before they get better. You have to face all the things that have been covered up and face a lot of uncertantity and fears/emotions. In the long run though life can at least have a chance to be better with a healthy body. I am concerned how you feel though you are a moderator you feel you can't have issues. This is very untrue and I hope you reach out and even if get some negative responses you take the helpful ones to consideration but also the ones that may say things you don't want to but need to hear.

Tessa you hit it on the nail I think. Everyday may be a battle for awhile but the more you fight the ed voice and accept the process the easier the battle becomes or so I hear.I do know for me there was a time I would of never thought I could be in this healthy of a place and so I remind myself of the other things that seem hard that in time they may not.

thanks again everyone it all makes perfect sense h x

I'm glad that I could help in some way or another. I just try to be open and honest and sometimes I'm afraid because i've gotten the biting remark that I shouldn't be a moderator and such because I have issues still which makes it extremely hard for me to tell others about my struggles. I wake up and sometimes the day feels grim, i feel "fat" which is untrue...what I really feel is lonely or sad because I don't have anyone to share my life with and I start tearing myself to shreds. I have those days, but I always know that those feelings are temporary and if I let myself feel them I am stronger because of it. It's like feeling the emotions allows me to feel the anger I need to rebel against the ED. when i suppress the emotions and try not to acknowledge them i run into trouble..it's like i use the ED to not feel. 

Now though my reaction is faster and i'm not sucked into the manipulative thoughts that the ED might send out. once you say no, and mean NO, you can do it. each time it gets easiER but it's never EASY. we have faith in you though, you can do it :) 

love you lots chrissy you are a very sprcial person and a top moderator h xx

I can relate to feeling lonely. When I was in my ed I did not care but now I want meaningful relationships but it takes time I guess. Like you if I recall you saying I have trust issues as I have been left by a lot of people but I am trying to take more chances. I remember that people made that comment to you. I think everyone has struggles and as long as you can take care of you and be healthy in actions the thoughts take time and you desevre support.

Sorry Tessa to take over your thread. Do you feel better about the possibles of repairing your health and life?

What you said Chrissy was very true and honest, it was good of you to share it. I agree with what you have said, although you can put on weight and become healthier that way it doesnt instantly mean the ED voice goes away. I know I am gaining weight but I still struggle constantly with it what I am finding though is now I am able to manage it better and Im able to think more rationally and so and seperate these thoughts a little more.

You give wonderful advice and I think you have made a fantastic mod and part of what has made you a great mod is the fact you have been through all this and you can relate to what others are going through, to expect you to not struggle at all is quite unrealistic and unfair.

Helen, keep pushing forward and you will get there in the end. I know you have a lot of fears about the future and how things will even out but for now just focus on the moment and take each day as they come, take one worry at a time.

thanks betty :) you also give such grt advice and support i guess alot of my worries are shared we can do this girls h x