Scary Conversation

So I was out with a friend last night who I haven't seen in about 3 months, and we had a really disturbing conversation. We've been friends for years, so she's seen me at my heaviest and was there throughout my ED, but I never admitted it to her. Until last night. We had both had a few (okay, a few more than a few) and I said something to the effect of, "I haven't had french fries in over a YEAR!" and she goes, "Yeah, I know, but I've been meaning to talk to you about that. . ." she then goes on to say that I look a lot better now than I did when I was sickest (a compliment). She then told me that she always knew, but didn't know how to say anything about it. So that makes me wonder: did everyone know? Have I just been lying to myself when I think that I was being so secretive, that I was hiding it so perfectly? I know it's not a good thing to hide that sort of problem. I know it's self-destructive to think I could ever keep it a secret. But I thought I had successfully battled my demons and overcome them by myself, in private, but it turns out, people knew all along! I know that should be comforting, but it's mostly just scary. No wonder my friends and family are always asking if I'm eating: they KNOW I'm prone to stopping!

But it doesn't end there. THEN this girl (who I've always admired for her curves and beauty and ability to not care what anyone says, and just do whatever and rock it) tells me that she was bulimic for a lot of the time that I was, but stopped because her next-door neighbor, who she barely knew, noticed and told her she had to stop. She said that having that talk showed her that she couldn't keep doing what she was doing, and that she realized how self-destructive it is. But me? I'm her best friend, and I didn't see it. I was too blind to the problems of my own friends because I was so absorbed in MY disorder. My body. My pain. I was too wrapped up in my own selfish self-destruction to see that others around me, who I love to the death, were hurting too. That frightened me. See how terribly EDs destroy lives? They put blinders on our eyes, make us unable to see the world as it really is. Not just our bodies. Not just ourselves. Everything. It's horrific to me that I let myself live that way for so long. But no more. I have a challenge for all of you: don't let EDs or dieting or calorie counting run your lives. Don't become so focused on calories and eating and dieting and your own body that you cease to see the world around you. Look out for number one, but don't forget that part of what makes you YOU is your friends, family, and the world you live in. There is life beyond calorie count. Don't ever let yourself forget it. 

Heya - I know exactly how you feel. Us and our eating disorders are so damn selfish aren't we?! And I guess that's part of the recovery progress. Learning to have more of a life than us and that oh-so-important figure on the scale every morning.

Quite a few of my close friends know about my eating disorder and when I talk to them about it, sometimes I worry that I'm going to inflict an eating disorder on them - and how bad would I feel then?!!! But I can't really think like that.

In your defence - bulimia is obviously a lot more difficult to pick up on in your friend so don't be so hard on yourself. As for people probably knowing all along about your eating disorder - unfortunately that's just a fact of life and as your weight plummeted people may have noticed. Particularly girls - we can be so catty sometimes and always quick to jump to conclusions.

But you know - you've recognised these important facts and that's huge in itself. You've got a friend now who can hopefully help you and from the sounds of things she may be more understanding than a friend who's never had an ED.

Congrats on speaking out and indulging a little - you seem to be making so much progress each and every day! xo

Thanks for the wakeup call. Counting and logging and losing can become an obsession. Sometimes it's easy to forget that our choices also affect those around us. It's hard to be a good friend, sibling, or employee when calories are more important than human relationships and responsibility.

brilliant post.

Lets try to be that girl with the lovely curves who doesnt give a dam and has far more important things to worry about (like our friends and family and LIVES) that counting boring calories.  Obsessive people are boring.  Lets just "rock it"!

OMG- you could be me. At my heaviest I was 245lbs but bulimic (yes it IS possible to be fat & have an ED!), got down to 147lbs through eating hardly anything & walking a LOT. Settled at 154lbs, but was still bulimic & thought that was the only way I could maintain? Anyway, I haven't been sick in 3 1/2mths (Yay!) and am actually losing while eating properly (and keeping it in!) so its slowly dawning on me that I can eat, be healthy and lose weight.

Anyway...I'm rambling. I too thought no-one knew until my Boss took me aside one day and asked me if I needed help. I was mortified- both that someone KNEW, and that my secret was out? In my stupidity I thought that as I spent most of my time at work then it was only natural they'd notice so I could still do it at home...until the day my Hubby broke down and asked me when I was going to keep a meal down after I'd eaten. He said 'Do you not think I notice you disappearing to the toilet after every meal? Do you not think I can smell it on your breath when I kiss you?' It shocked me into stopping for a while...but slowly bad habits came back. Even while pregnant with my 2 beautiful girls I didn't stop- I figured the baby would get any nutrients I was managing to keep down & stocked up on multi-vitamins! Now, finally, I've decided enough is enough- food is no longer going to rule my life. I'm going to get healthy so I'm around to see my girls grow up, and if I lose a few lbs while doing, then great. Its not easy, and sometimes when I feel too full the urge is there, but so far its under control.  One day at a time....

Thanks guys! Irishmum, your post was SO inspiring! Sometimes it's so easy to say these things, but much harder to actually make myself believe them. Thanks for showing me that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Let's rock this ladies! 

Thanks for posting this, torpidire. Really puts things into perspective. :)

i've had something like that happen to me. my friend messaged me on myspace basically telling me she knew i was anorexic and i shouldn't bother denying it because she recognized the same things that she had gone through. it was scary, because i hadn't seen the girl in like a year, and apparently she saw what was happening before even i did.

Yeah, that's what freaks me out more than anything: that people realized what was going on even before I really did, and that I was just going at it, blissfully ignorant. Maybe if someone said something I would have stopped sooner? Can't say now, except that from now on I am definitely going to make a more concerted effort to ask my friends the right questions and figure out if they're okay if I ever so much as suspect something. Gotta look out for each other, especially when we may not be looking out for ourselves. 

I have to say, when my Boss told me she/everyone knew what I was doing- I didn't really care that I'd been 'caught', I just thought 'I've got to be more careful'! She wanted me to go to a support group- the nearest one was in a town 45mins away! (I live in rural Ireland!) so that just wasn't going to happen- anyway I didn't WANT to stop- I didn't think I could? I don't really know why I decided enough was enough, I guess I was tired of food ruling my life and over a short time decided that enough was enough. The reality was I'd gain a few lbs while in 'recovery' (a few lbs to someone as big as me isn't a big deal really! LOL!) but my body would thank me for it. When I lost my first 7lbs I went to my Doc for a overall check-up where it was discovered I have an underactive thyroid (A life-long dieters dream excuse eh?!) so I'm now going through a test period where they try & get my meds right & my Doc told me not to worry about losing weight until then (yeah right!)but- I'm still losing, slowly but surely. Remember ladies, one day at a time, baby steps are better than backward ones! Xx

As one who has been hurt by someone who was obsessed with being thin and losing weight and counting calories, I can only say "amen" to the original post's second paragraph. The most insidious things is how someone can twist their whole perception of the world to fit a particular story they want to tell themselves just so they can keep losing weight. It is absolutely scary.