Screw you ED, I'm ready.

For the past four years I've suffered for an eating disorder, and it wasn't until it got to it's worst this year that I decided to tell my parents and actually get help. So I stopped purging, I went cold turkey, and started seeing a psychologist and  who helped me through this, as well as a nutritionist who told me the weight I need to get to and laid out a food plan of what to eat in order to achieve said weight.

Yet as I started increasing my food intake, I started to panic, to start purging again and severely decreasing my food intake, slipping back into my anorexic habits. I lost 11 pounds and am currently at 81 pounds. For the past few months I have been eating 3 meals a day, yet I know this is not enough for me. I have also been purging these meals and keeping up vigorous exercise of 500 sit ups and push ups a day - I cut back from 1000 to 2000 a day of each, yet I know that the fact that I still burn so much calories yet take in so less is harming my body incredibly. Every few days I'll cave in and eat junk food, sometimes a lot more than I should, which makes me feel extremely anxious and of course, leads to more purging.

But last night, my mindset just changed. I have decided to attempt to STOP purging, to START following my dietician's meal plan properly, eating snacks and not depriving myself. Hey, I stopped purging once before and it was gratifying. I know I can do it again. I have though, heard about the fact that those in recovery from eating disorders do gain water weight as a result of their bodies not being used to the food being put in their bodies, which did happen to myself, but hopefully I can work past that and continue in this mindset. I want my period back, I want to be able to think about things besides food, I want to be the happiest, most active and bubbly me. I want to be myself, to my full potential again. Hahaha, I'm rambling on but seriously..I've read some posts here and they have actually put a smile on my face, because I know there are people out there going through the exact same thing and to see people being able to successfully move past it - well, that's awesome!

So hi and please share your stories/advice etc with me! =)

I love hot sause too.  Tobasco does it for me.  I like others too, but the staple hot sauce for me is Tobasco. 

Read you post.  Sorry about your problem.  Wish you didn't have it.  Let me tell you something as a guy, women are beautiful when they are just being themselves.  Size is not the issue in a guy's eye!  Most depictions of women in magazines are not what guys really care about.  We care about personality, openess, spirit, hygiene and heatlh to name only a few.  I'm not a psychologist, just a realist with common sense.

Enjoy yourself!  Use hotsauce on everything.  Follow your nutritionist's plan to reach your normal weight and then use this site to maintain your calories and have fun with it.  Afterall, its on the Internet and it is fun to do.  I'm just loving it!

Good luck

YESSSSS! Hot sauce just makes everything even more appealing. And on it's own, it's simply..well..ORGASMIC.

It's comforting to hear that males value such things as hygiene over weight! =D But seriously, that's an extremely intelligent thing to say, you're a great person for being so honest.

I most certainly will use hot sauce on everything! And I will also have fun with this, because I much rather will enjoy getting my full health back than being anxious about it. Thank you so much rkdesktop for your support. =)

It breaks my heart when I read posts of someone who is in so deep with their eating disorder. I am so sorry it has become so big for you. Know that you are more then your body, that you are valuable, intelligent, passionate, creative, and (knowing well the personality traits of those who fall on this side of the coin) you are probably a very giving person. I don't know you, true, but people who have eating disorders tend to have these traits. Fact is this path you are on will kill you if you cant normalize your body. This is the most scary part of recovery. You have to be able to cope with all the scary things the body does during recovery, it takes six months of eating balanced regular meals without purging for your body to re-learn just what to to with food. Up to 20% of the bodies water weight comes from food. The human brain is more then 60% fat! This type of fat comes from diet, like omegas and your body doesn't make the necessary fat to nourish your brain. I consider myself mostly recovered, I have my weak moments, times when I am scared by the way my mind is thinking. Something that really truly helps me, is being open when I am thinking negatively. If I have eaten something I feel nervous about I will tell someone that I want to purge. This helps me to diffuse myself because I have reached out for support of someone who is in a healthy mindset. Same concept of an alcoholic calling their sponsor when they are feeling the urge to drink. I recommend reading "The Secret", it's an amazing book. Know you are stronger then this. Create a support system for yourself. Learn all you can. You will beat this! =D sorry if I came on to strong, I am just very passionate about people recovering from eds. They are so big and scary and we need each other to be strong enough to recover.

Hey, good luck with recovery. I'm leaning toward the end of my recovery for the second time now. I have struggled with anorexia nervosa for the past 5 years. I got better and was able to stop going to the doctor, and then I relapsed this past summer when I went into a depression. The first time I was 5'3" and dropped down to 78, and this time I am 5'4" and dropped down to 93 (as my parents caught it early). I have been in recovery since August and I weigh 104 now. Unfortunately the only part of me that has gotten better is my body. Recovery is stressful, but you can do it. I'm sure many people on this site will be more than happy to support you when you need it, and support from friends and family helps a lot too. The best thing you can do, and this helps me a lot, is think about all the positive things. Try to focus on all the nutrients and protein you are getting. Think about how healthy and shiny your hair will be and how you skin will have a nice tone to it. Think about how strong and pretty your nails will be. The anxiety goes away, or at least gets better, within a couple months. Once again, good luck!

Hey, what perfect timing for this post! Last night I had the same realization. I have been fighting to get over my ED as well and have seen counselers and dieticians and did ok for a little but then again fell back into the same routine of bingeing and purging. Since Thanksgiving I have just been in a complete out of control spiral and last night I hit a low and decided that today, I AM GOING TO CHANGE. So here I am and I finally feel secure in my decision that I am going to get over this. I wish you the best of luck because I know exactly what you are going through!! You can do it!! Stay strong. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to message me.

Congratulations on your revelation.  This is truly the start of a new beginning.  Treasure it for what it is right now, but don't forget what's most important: never give up.  There's going to be ups and lots of downs, but you can definitely get through it.  Find support wherever you can get it.  Its going to be hard, scary, and painful, but you will be able to learn to control your behaviors day-by-day.  Always know, when you put your recovery first and all else will follow.  Best of luck.

sashi83 -  your post was very helpful and valuable, you didn't come on strong at all - I appreciate your upfront and honest manner. =)

When you say "scary things your body does during recovery", what exactly are you referring to? Good advice about telling someone next time I feel the urge to purge, it seems to have helped you. You're right, we do need each other to be strong enough for recovery, and I'm willing and ready to start the long road towards it.

mars_0112 - Congratulations for getting close to recovery, I wish you the best of luck and know you can do it. Also, though..the fact that you too had a relapse is comforting to me in a sense, because it proves that you can pick yourself up again. I'm looking forward to being healthy and anxiety-free, and good luck x939279 with your recovery!

flownaway7 - What a coinkidink! The fact that you know you will be willing to do everything it takes to get better puts a massive smile on my face, and inspires me! You also stay strong, darling. =) Right back at you, if you ever feel as though you need to talk, please message me as well.

tennislove98 - Thank you so much. I am going to admit right now, I'm scared senseless of what lays ahead of me, but I'm also looking forward to freeing myself from this debilitating ED. Thankyouthankyouthankyou once again for your words of support!