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Just a screwed up life

I'm messed up.  I drink, smoke, and do cocaine everynight.  I feel like I'm completely numb to the world and have alienated myself from everyone I know.  O feel like I have nothing to look forward too and have no motivation to go to college in the fall.  How do I find the motivation?  I am 20 years old.  I lie, steal money from people I should care about, and live a screwed up life.  I have lost 20 lbs. and and now 110 at 5'5.  Is that too thin?  How do I get my life back?  How do I start to care?

I really think you need to see a psychologist. It sounds like you are extremely depressed. Also, you should probably stop doing all the things that seem to make you angry about yourself. The drinking, smoking, cocaine, stealing, etc. seem to be things you hate about yourself- so don't torture yourself by continuing to do them. I know you can't just stop doing some of those things, but you should try and should get help.

Are you maybe depressed beause you don't know what you want to do in college??

Original Post by keo187:

Are you maybe depressed beause you don't know what you want to do in college??

I think she is probably depressed because of the drinking, smoking and cocaine! Court2335, alcohol is a depressant. I'm sure you know this--just think about how you feel when you are drunk (or even worse, terribly hungover!). Cocaine makes you feel amazing for about 20 minutes and then you feel horrendous (so you do more cocaine, or drink more alcohol). Cigarettes are the same way--a short burst of good feelings followed by more depression.

It's no wonder you feel empty and numb--the drugs and alcohol you are putting into your body aren't letting you feel like your real self! You're caught in a cycle of a manufactured high followed by a terrible sadness when that leaves, so you do more drugs and alcohol to get it back. This is to say nothing of how you must feel physically--a diet of cigarettes, booze and coke is going to make your body feel terrible, which can only make you feel even worse mentally.

You also said you feel alienated from everyone you know. Maybe your friends and family feel alienated from the person they see when the real you is hidden behind the mask of drugs and alcohol. Try reaching out to them when you are sober--I'm sure they miss the real you. Also, try going one day without drinking or doing drugs (that includes smoking cigs!) and pay attention to how much better your body and mind feel the next day. That could be enough motivation to do it another day, and then another...

You have the strength to change your life for the better and get rid of the things in your life that are poisoning you! I hope you will reach out to your friends, family or professional help. Please private message me if you want someone to talk to! I was living a similarly unhealthy, depressing lifestyle in college and have since been able to become healthy, both physically and mentally.

I'm not going to give you a sermon.

Just get off the coke. You know you need to, so just do it.

court, I honestly think you need more help than we can give you here.  Drug and alcohol addiction are serious issues.  I seriously suggest you go seek professional help...someone who is trained to help you deal with these problems. 

Please, repeat after me: Counseling.

You'll probably need some professional help to kick the drugs, but more importantly, you need something to live for.

Drugs and alcohol are an escape from reality.  What are you trying to escape from?  Are you afraid to be growing up?  Afraid you won't please your parents? Afraid of college? 

Think back to before you started drinking and using drugs.  What things did you enjoy doing that gave you satisfaction?  What sports, hobbies, subjects, etc did you love?

Get some counseling.  Find someone to talk to who can be objective and help you accept reality and live for what makes you happy. 

Drugs and excess alcohol will never make you happy, they'll just numb you to the world until reality catches up and you're dead.

In-patient detox and counciling now.

I guess in situations like this I like to do think on this little nugget...  pretend you had a daughter and she was in the same shoes you are in now.  What would you tell her?  How would you help her? 

Remember that you cannot use your past as an excuse.  You need to move forward and live your life to the best it can be.  Healthy, off the drugs and with a conscience. 

Hi Court. I've been there. I won't tell you how to live you life, but I'll tell you little about mine. It might help. Treatment works if you're ready for it. School will help a lot if you can focus on it.

In high school I had a VERY large drug habit. I never slept (because, well, coke) and i never ate (because, well, coke.) I completely and utterly lost my mind for a few years.

After HS, I moved away to a place where I knew no one, and i had to start all over again. Sure, I found some shady people who could get me back into my old life, but i realized that it wasn't what I wanted - crying when I was alone, wondering how things had gotten so effed up, being afraid of the places i found myself in.

I backed off of the drugs, because I didn't know anyone, and would be homeless if I spent my rent money on drugs (there's no safety net of friends and family when you're new in town.) I made the choice to be responsible enough to have a job, pay rent, go to class, buy food, etc. School helped, too - it gave me something to concentrate on. Getting better started with small decisions. Staying in by yourself a few nights a week, learning to enjoy the peace that comes with stability.

You can do this. Please feel free to message me anytime.

Firstly, you need to figure out what you want.

Do you want to breathe better? Be able to walk more without wheezing or feeling out of breath? Be able to buy more food and clothes? Go to school and get a job? Make your friends, family and yourself proud of you?

Once you establish what you want out of life, then you can figure out how to go about getting it. Whether it's going cold turkey on the drugs and alcohol on your own, checking into rehab, getting into a 12 Step program or getting a therapist... it has to be YOU that decides to do these things and you have to actually WANT to do it.

But it sounds to me like you do need the help of a professional. I don't necessarily mean a therapist or whatever, because therapy doesn't always work for everyone, but even if you just find a knowledgable doctor, social worker, or drug/alcohol treatment place... It'll start you on a better road.

At least you've got one step down-- you realize you have a problem. That's more than a lot of people can say, so I want you to give yourself a hug for realizing that you need to do something to get your life back on track.

The only tip I can give you about starting to care... Cut the toxic things from your life (things, places, people) and leave it behind for good, and learn to love yourself.

I wish you all the best.

i dont know what your background is, but after going through a struggle similiar to yours, finding God was what brought me back. im not saying become a foot washing baptist tomorrow, but maybe googling a few bible verses or saying a prayer tonight may help you see the light. sometimes all it takes is a little nudge to find yourself. even if you werent raised to be religous, dont be afraid. you've tried everything else, doesnt God deserve at least a fair chance?

Look forward to getting rid of the cocaine and drinking habits as soon as possible,  they are messing with your brain big time.

You have to start caring or you will end up dead. I know from experience, I lost my Aunt, in her 40s, this March... she was a cocaine and alcohol addict since she was 13, she left behind a son (he has no father :(), daughter, and granddaughter. I can't even begin to describe the amount of hell she went through. I can't even describe the hell she put everyone else through.

The stealing and lying is the addiction. It's not who you are, it's what the drug is.

You've got to seek counselling. You made a brave first step by posting here, it means you DO care, otherwise why would you bother? In-patient is the best thing to do, if you live in the US with no insurance and can't afford it, most colleges offer counselling for free.

You've got push bad people out of your life. The people you drink and do coke with, they gotta go. Delete them from your cell, move out, whichever, abandon them completely or they will ALWAYS bring you down [with them].

You've got to be willing to try. The hardest step is the first step.

Remember, no matter what, you have family and believe me they love you and would be DEVASTATED if they lost you. No parent should have to bury their child.

You need to put all your strength into getting to a hospital. You arent at this point going to 'care', that comes later when i bit of sobriety and logic returns to you. Call your parents or ANYONE so they can drive you to hospital.

You  need to read the help above and pick yourself up and get checked into rehab.  You know what you need to do, just do it rather than feeling sorry for yourself.

Court, you are on the low end of the BMI range, if that is what you are asking. You probably look skinnier then you are because your body had been eating it's own muscles when you don't feed it food.

Throwing up your food is a whole other problem on top of drugs.

The nose bleeding, well, I woke up with one every day for a year and thought nothing of it at the time (this all happened after my BF broke up with me, too.) Unfortunately, it means the cartilage in your nose is disintegrating.

It sounds like you are at a breaking point where you may not be able to do this on your own. So - how do you get help? Your folks don't have any money for you to borrow right now. Are you working? If so, ask your parents to open a bank account for you in their names- one that only they can withdraw from. Put 1/3 of your paycheck in that account each time you cash your check. That way, you can't spend all of your money. Have them disperse that money to you only when you can produce receipts for things like school books (my dad did this for me when I moved away.)

Treatment - if you have insurence at your job that covers counciling, look into that. If not, when you get to school in the Fall, you'll have access to counciling hen. You need someone to talk to who isn't online - about depression, about addiction, about purging your food.

Court, I'd really just like to reiterate one more time that it is obvious that the problems you are dealing with require the help of a professional.  You have a dangerous road ahead of you, but it's not too late if you will just take the step to seek help.

CC is a site that is dedicated to healthy living.  A way to find support.  But it can't be your primary support.  Not when the problems you face are so much more severe than just eating a few too many/ too little calories.  What you face are some serious issues.  People die from these issues if they don't get help.

Please, please, seek help.