My Secret

I have a secret today. This will be a long, tiresome vent, but you don’t have to listen. I just need to get it out there.

I’m fed up with my boyfriend. I can’t stand how much time he devotes to his work. I can’t stand how he indomitably insists that all 18 hours of the daytime are devoted to his company. And in those 18 hours, I can’t stand how I cease to exist. I feel unappreciated and unloved. And it’s **** stupid.

I don’t know what I am doing with him. I think I’m only tied to him because we’ve been together for a year and a half. And memories of what we used to be recklessly draw me towards him. But in all honesty, I see a fatal **** of nothingness in our future, especially if this **** persists.

In my attempts to fix these problems, he’s driven by anger and calls me needy. He calls me clingy. When all I need is some **** appreciation – some kind of **** indication that, yes, I am actually still his girlfriend.

I don’t even know if this can properly be labeled as a relationship. We don’t do anything together. We rarely speak to each other. I am going **** insane. I forgot what it feels like to be loved by him.

“So why are you putting up with it for these memories that you know won’t ever replicate?”

I don’t even know. I am so sad. I just hang onto that stupid adamant piece of hope that begs for those moments to happen again. But in my foresight, I see nothing. It’s only going to get worse from here on out. The forecast is so dreadful.

God, I just can’t stand the fact that we used to be so **** in love.

“People grow out of love… That’s life.”

And that is my secret for the day.

People do grow out of love.  Happens all the time.   Like buying an expensive pair of beautiful shoes that rub ugly blisters on your heels.  You keep putting them on and mopping up the blood because they looked so lovely and it would be a shame to throw them away!    If you're naturally optimistic you'll tolerate all kinds of rubbish in a relationship in the vain hope that things will get better, revert to how they were.   The alternative... splitting up... seems just slightly more awful than the status quo.   When in reality it's 100 x better.

Calling you clingy and needy is sapping the self-confidence you need to go solo.  Making you feel unloved and ignored for the sake of a job, ditto.  Other tricks of the mental bully include sporadic demonstrations of romance that hark back to happier times giving you false hopes? Telling you that no-one else would find you attractive?  It only gets worse if you stick around to take the punishment.  A year and a half is enough time to waste.   Throw the shoes away.... cut your losses.   We're only  ;come this way once.  Make new memories with someone that actually loves you.

Good luck.

are you my life twin??? im going through the EXACT same thing... but what to do? Do we trek it alone? do we try and find that love again??? i know the answer but i just cant imagine leaving him.... we hate them, and we love them.... *sigh*

Original Post by gi-jane:

People do grow out of love.  Happens all the time.   Like buying an expensive pair of beautiful shoes that rub ugly blisters on your heels.  You keep putting them on and mopping up the blood because they looked so lovely and it would be a shame to throw them away!    If you're naturally optimistic you'll tolerate all kinds of rubbish in a relationship in the vain hope that things will get better, revert to how they were.   The alternative... splitting up... seems just slightly more awful than the status quo.   When in reality it's 100 x better.

Calling you clingy and needy is sapping the self-confidence you need to go solo.  Making you feel unloved and ignored for the sake of a job, ditto.  Other tricks of the mental bully include sporadic demonstrations of romance that hark back to happier times giving you false hopes? Telling you that no-one else would find you attractive?  It only gets worse if you stick around to take the punishment.  A year and a half is enough time to waste.   Throw the shoes away.... cut your losses.   We're only  ;come this way once.  Make new memories with someone that actually loves you.

Good luck.

 Love your analogy to an expensive pair of shoes! LOL How true! You are right on target.

GET OUT NOW! Why would you put up with NOT being happy?! Life is TOO short! Change YOUR attitude. Change YOUR life! Don't sit around complaining and being sad, angry, depressed, or _____ (insert any other adjective/emtion) Start doing the fun things YOU want to do! Go hiking, biking, skiing, walking, dancing, join clubs, volunteer, learn a new sport (tennis, golf, scuba diving), go out to the movies with your girlfriends. Before you know it, you will be having SO much fun and enjoying your life (and improving your self-esteem) that you won't even realize that you haven't seen or thought of the guy in months! And when you are having fun, and you have a strong sense of who you really are, you may find someone worthy of your love and attention--or NOT! People do NOT have to have a boyfriend or husband to be happy or fulfilled!! (don't think I am a man-hater--I am HAPPILY married to my second husband)

Being a workaholic--like any other type of overwhelming compulsion--can be an avoidance mechanism. Your BF might have some sort of problem he doesn't want to face or cope with.

If your boyfriend refuses to converse with you reasonably, and does not see the problem in completely ignoring you, there's nothing you can do. You can't make someone care.

It amazes me how people can have a miserable partner, and not give a ****.

My husband was the same way. When he realized I was going to leave him (and I never used that threat often and loosely... I said it only when I was certain I would leave), we went to counseling. He came to understand how cruel his behavior was. And he still feels terrible about it, even though his behavior has changed and I have forgiven him. That's because he really loves me. If he didn't really love me, he would have dismissed my concerns.

At this point, you are nothing but a potted plant, stuck in a corner. If he wants you to just stay there, shut up, and be there when he needs you, but doesn't want to be there for you when you need him... I'm sorry, but that's slavery, not love.

My other half also spends most of his life at work. We don't spend days together. Ever. We only see each other awake for about 3 hours a day, between him coming home and us going to bed. We don't have the conversations we used to have any more but I don't complain because i know the reason he works so hard is for me. So that we can afford the nice house, the nice cars, and the occasional holiday together. I know it won't always be like this either, we've got a long term goal we're working towards which involves both of us working our bums off and sacrificing other parts of our life to get there.  But i know when we get there it will be allll change.

It's been a year and a half.  Go.  It will get harder every single day that you stay.  6 months from now do you really want to be saying all the same things... with one minor change:  "because we've been together two years."

I know far too many women who have wasted years of their lives with the wrong man.  Tell him you are planning to leave if things don't improve.  Then follow through if they don't.