self loathing... need support

Last night I could not sleep because I felt so fat. It was Monday night and I had eaten way over my maintenance calories AGAIN. I do this every weeknd.... Monday - Thursday I can maintain a 500 - 800 daily deficit, but Friday - Sunday I go out of control, often eating 3000 - 4000 calories.

But last night was the third night in the past two months that I could not sleep a wink because I hated my body so much.

I am 5'9" and 145, 39 years old. I started CC in February at 143, got down to 139, but then gained it all back plus two more by May to my current 145.

Last summer I weighed 136 and felt great. How can 9 pounds make such a huge (no pun intended) difference? I was also sick for seven months last year, so 136 was an a very light weight for me (except for when I had an ED in HS.)

I have a very small frame and wear a size 10 pant at 145. At 136 I could wear size 8. I miss those numbers... 136 and size 8.

I sabotage my progress every weekend and hate myself so much every Monday. I feel horrible about my body. I imagine that people notice my fat jiggle when I walk in front of them. I feel revolting.

This is not healthy.

I'm a brand new member...literally 20 minutes ago!  I feel what you are going through...but also know...that I had once lost 62lbs and I had went to McDonalds every friday for my Big Mac and supersized fries with a DIET coke!  Don't beat yourself up...We ALL do that...

I'm 5'7" and about 160lbs...I wish I could get back into my fat jeans.....so if you over did it this weekend...spend an extra 20 minutes walking or better yet..running. 

AND..if you did it last summer...You can so do it this summer

Let's make Monday's a better day..give yourself the permission to be bad every now and then...and today is a better day!  Start now..look at yourself and tell yourself TODAY IS A BETTER DAY...don't look back..You can do this again!

Krikkit

mujirushi:

I mean this with all love and not harassment.

I'm going through the same thing that you are, and even though I'm able to sleep I still hate my body and every effort that I've done to make it healthier after my ED.

So please know that I understand what you're feeling when I say:

There is nothing wrong with your body as it is now.

You are not fat.

You have a very long way to go before you will ever be overweight.

I know that it's the hardest thing in the world, but please try to give your mind a break from thinking and feeling this way.

Maybe you can find something that you can take true respite in - reading, hiking, fighting, something that you love.

And if you find that you're eating out of control on the weekends, maybe you're not eating enough during the week?

When I was in the middle of my ED, I would:
- restrict daily to 1500-1675 calories/daily
- run for 30 minutes 3-4 times a week
- walk for at least 30 minutes on other days.

This led to me binging hardcore on Saturday evenings (usually around 3200-3500 calories). I was 139 lbs when I was doing that. I'm 22 years old 5'11.

When I decided to try and get better, I would:
- allow myself to eat more during the weekdays (I worked up to around 1800-1900 cals a day)
- exercise moderately
--> And my desire to binge on the weekends went away entirely.

These days, I will:
- exercise vigorously 6 days a week
- eat when I'm hungry - probably around 1900-2300 in one day (though I don't strictly count anymore because it's an obsession to me.)

Because of my new lifestyle (and the fact that I just stopped a diuretic and gained some water weight), I'm now around 150-153 lbs. I'm still trying to get used to it. I feel huge. I want my 139 lb body back.

But if I try to restrict like I used to, I find that my hunger creeps up on me a lot faster and I end up overeating. So, I'm trying to be balanced from day to day.


I hope this helps a little bit, at least, but please know that you're not alone in how you feel about yourself.

You deserve so much more patience then you're giving yourself.

I really hope that you find everything that you need to be happy.

As one older person to another, I have to say you sound like you still have a lot of the emotional baggage of an eating disorder. 5'9 and 145 is actually perfect (basic formula: 100 lbs for 5 feet + 5 lbs for every inch over). Your BMI is 21, for goodness sake, and should not be lower than 20 for good health!

It's nice to get support online, but sometimes it sounds like a problem that needs some more help. This is one of those times. I'm not trying to be mean or harsh. I feel that any support we give will be inadequate.

whatever you do, good luck.

...as much as I ramble on sometimes, I agree with mkculs. If you can, please consider talking to someone about what you're feeling.

I use to do the same things on weekends. I would eat so much after supper that I felt so sick. I still do it sometimes but not as bad. I found that if I get up and workout afterwards it is not as bad.  I have been really working on stopping that. I have noticed that now that i have increased my cals during the day that I don't eat so much after supper. Last night though, I had 2 peices of toast with peanut butter. That was around 600 calories! I was over my maintence by 300. So today I need to ajust for that. I do agree with the above post that maybe we are just not eating enough during the week and we make up for it on the weekends. I hope you get through this. I do agree also that maybe you should talk to someone about this (besides cc).

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your replies. I just read them and my eyes filled up with tears. I'm so glad that I'm not alone in feeling this way. And so moved that you would offer me such sincere and thoughtful advice. I had been feeling really alone in this.

First of all, I have been in psychotherapy for many years and still go weekly. I have brought up my issues with "fat" over that last few weeks and talk about what "feeling fat" really means to me. It's so complex and frought with anxiety, but I am working on it.

And to those of you who mentioned that restricting calories to an extreme during the week has caused you to binge on the weekends: That sounds just like me! Because I cannot "diet" on the weekends, I have been trying to create an 700 - 1000 deficit Monday - Thursday, hoping to achieve the magic 3500. As of Monday (two days ago) I decided to take it easier on myself and have maintained a deficit of 450 - 500 for the past two days.

As for exercise: I think I may be overdoing it. For the past 3-4 weeks I have abandoned most of the weight-lifting portion of my workout so I can do more cardio in order to burn more calories. I do 75 - 90 minutes of level 11 or 12 elliptical and really work up a sweat. While my logical mind knows it's important to do the weights (I love looking muscular), my fat-obsessed mind just wants to burn burn burn.

Is it possible that counting calories has triggered my old ED, or aspects of it? I have also been talking about some pretty unsavory stuff in therapy, stuff that happened thirty years ago. I started binging/hating around the same time I started focusing on that particular event in my life.

My logical mind does know that 5'9" 145 pounds is NOT fat! In fact, 145 was my goal weight when I was 175 in 2001. Then I weighed 143 - 145 for several years until I got sick last year and dropped 10 pounds or even a bit more. As soon as I got better I went up to 139 and felt fat.  And then Christmas came, my birthday, vacation, and I am now feeling hideous at 145.

I am going to up my weekday calories to 1900 so I have no more than a 500/day deficit. Maybe that will prevent the urge to binge this weekend. I will also try to be less hard on myself. Easier said than done.

Thank you again for your messages, I cannot tell you how much reading them helps me. And if anyone has anything further to share, please do.

Since you are not fat, but also not happy with the way you look, maybe you should dump the cardio and work strictly with weights.  You will look better and feel better.

hey dear

 

so i am five nine and 145 AND have an ed.... Twins!!

 

heres the deal. you are not fat, i am not fat. but the more we weigh ourselves, overeat, undereat, keep clothes that are too small.. the worse we are going to feel.

here is my advice to you, take it or leave it.

continue therapy. discuss your relationships with people and what you think is expected of you. stop counting calories. eat based instead on what your body wants, when you want it and stop when you are full .... physically full not emotionally full!! also, dont diet! if you dont eat enough during the day or skip a meal after a binge, you are just screwing yourself over in the long run.

if you ever need support, let me know.

 

ps xue_mei your advice is great! you sound quite wise.

my advice for you is forgive yourself and don't get caught up in obsessing over such a little gain. i used to have major ED problems, and i'm so upset still that it was all caused by a 4 pound gain which eventually led me to GAIN another 10. let me explain-- i freaked out over gaining 4 pounds, severely restricted, and then started binging uncontrollably, kind of like you i guess. it's not worth it! if only i could go back to tell my former self that it would only harm me so much more in the end, i would not have obsessed about the 4 pounds. even now, after putting on 15 pounds total, i am trying to stop obsessing here, because if i go on restricting like this, who knows, i may binge my way up to 20, 30 pounds! so i think the key here is to give yourself more TIME. plan to lose weight, but do it healthily and slowly. no one else probably notices you gained weight; don't freak out, it's okay, and you can do it the right way.