Selfish irrational rantings from Mashed..

OK this is totally selfish. And mean. And horrible. But then that's sort of how I feel I am all the time at the moment so I'll just go straight ahead and post about it and beg you all not to judge me..

Basically one of my closest friends and I no longer speak because a few months ago (we met in ED hospital and practically lived together for two years because of that) we had an argument (or a 'silent argument') because I was desperately trying to improve and get better while her weight was plummeting.. it was just too difficult to maintain a close friendship when we were going in such different directions. It makes me really sad but we just haven't spoken in ages.

Umm yeah, well today I went down to the shops with my Mum to buy some stuff for Christmas and we split to go and shop for different stuff. When we met back up, my mum was excitedly saying she'd seen my friend and that she looked beautiful 'and made twice of you (cue disappointed sideways glance.)'

If I was a nice, good person I'd feel thrilled for my friend that she's clearly come on leaps and bounds since we last spoke.. but I don't. All I feel is like a big failure myself. There was me thinking that I was making real progress and leaving behind all of that anorexia stuff, yet even one of the 'least' positive people I know has somehow managed to overtake me and leave me straddling behind, still trying to get my weight up to a level where my Mum doesn't practically burst into tears every time she even looks at me. Why am I so useless? Why couldn't I make progress too? It's not that my friend has her life back that upsets me, it just seems that it reinforces how far I have to go. I'm so tired of always being left behind. I'm so angry at myself and my eating disorder.

Sorry I know this is selfish. It's just feels like all the effort I've made in the past weeks hasn't paid off because I haven't gained any weight, I'm too scared to increase my diet in a big enough leap for it to 'overtake' my metabolism and I'm too pathetic to go outside because it's so, so cold and I'm so tired and ill feeling all the time.

I really hate myself right now.

I have found, no matter what the subject is, that comparing yourself to other people doesn't work. It never works, it never will work, and it will always make you feel inadequate.

Your job will be to forget about your friend and focus on yourself and only yourself. This actually is the right time to be selfish. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks it's about what you want for yourself.

Everybody is fighting their own battles in life. Nobody is better off than anyone else. Your friend may have gained more weight, but how does that affect you? It doesn't. It doesn't make her better, happier or stronger than you. You can still gain all of the weight you want to gain, you're just going to do it at your own pace.

You ARE making progress. Progress in recovery is not just a measurement on the scales, sweetheart. And as tangerine has said so eloquently, you need to focus on you and not make comparisons to others. You're who is important. Who cares if your friend had put on weight? For one, you can't make judgement of how she is still feeling inside. And even then, why should this even matter?

Think of where you were a week ago, a month ago, or even in the worst of your ED. Then look at where you are now. You have come miles, even if you then have miles more to go. Don't hate yourself and don't put yourself or your efforts down; you're a beautiful girl and deserve all the love you can get - including your own. :]

and thank you so, so much for your reply :') making me feel a little weepy actually! i need to pull myself together... it's funny, six months ago i would have been thrilled that she'd put on weight because it'd have meant i was the 'better' anorexic.. now i just feel jealous.. not really of her weight but of the fact that her weight signifies that she has  progressed..

and i'm kind of jealous that my mum said she looked beautiful, because i know that however much she loves me and i'm-always-beautiful-to-mum-cos-she's-my-mum .. i know that she can't see me that way at the moment because i pretty much look a wreck.

and my lip has split. ew. and painful!

Your mum is your mum. Even at your worst moment you will always be beautiful to her, trust me.

And take pride you're having that "hah, I'm the 'better' anorexic"-type arrogant feeling. That's part of the whole indication you have come a long way from where you were. There's nothing prideful or glamorous about endangering your life, after all.

To your lip - swill your mouth with some cold water. It helps take away any bitter blood taste as well as aiding in stopping bleeding. Don't put vaseline on it. That makes a slimy wax film that doesn't actually work against the split; try rubbing a bit of olive oil on the split if it's really bad. Otherwise, ouch!

I know you're feeling bad about this and wanted to throw a bit of common sense into the mix because the support you've gotten thus far is really fantastic and there's not much I can add. The common sense is that anytime we see someone we haven't seen for a while the "things are fantastic" face comes on. You know the one. The smile, the laughter, the catching up on old times. Your mom probably did it with your friend, your friend probably did it with your mom. And your mom was most likely excited about seeing your friend (you didn't tell us whether or not your mom knows the reason for the distance between the two of you). Heck, you lived with her for almost two years. She was a part of your mom's life as well.

That said, there is no way to tell what the truth is or how well your friend is really doing (or not). There is a way to tell how you're doing. You're pushing forward. You're making progress. You're STRONG enough to distance yourself from a friendship formed out of need and vulnerability when you realized it was not healthy for you. Many people do not have the strength, spirit or insighfulness to do these things.  I can't speak for your mom, but I can speak for myself and from what you've shared with us I can honestly tell you that I'm proud of you. Me. Someone who doesn't know you and has only read this one post. I'm proud of you. Really. And if that's not progress, I'm not sure what is.

This post is exactly why I love this website.  First of all because it is a place where pain can be shared without judgement, 2nd because of the thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate people that take the time to reach out to help, and 3rd and maybe most important because of the way it shows that there is just one race, the human race.  We all are just trying to get through this life as best we can.  We all deal with the same set of problems and emotions, just in different ways.  Sharing thoughts on a website might not be some peoples idea of "coping" or interacting or whatever, but I for one am grateful that this safe and helpful place exists, and I am proud to be a part it.   Congrats on your success so far Mashed_tatties.  You have come such a long way, and I know that you can do whatever you set your mind to.  Listen to all the things the very intellligent women who posted before me have said because every word is honest and true.  I am honored to "know" all of you.

YOu know what though....... Your friend doesnt get to be part of TEAM CLASHED!!! She actually called me the other day asking me to join but i was like 'sorry, the role of super duper awesome girl has already been filled! GET TO STEPPING!!!!' I didn;'t want to yell but i did.

Know that you are better, that you motivate me. That when i go on the boards during the day and when i post food at night im anxious to see what oyu have said and how your day was. know that people care about you and that you have the CUTEST dog i have ever seen. Then you need to so and have a bar of chocolate/ ice cream/ whatever you want. Im actually telling you to do this. I dont want you to think about just go out there and do it! If you dont im gonna cry... if thats not motivation i dont know what is!

(I can also totally sympathize with you though my dear. i just found out this guy i graduated high school with just won 2 million dollars by playing online poker and will never have to work again. He dropped out of college and i actually tried to give him advice about what to do with his life not to long ago. WTF was i thinking going to college. im gonna play some poker.)

heya, remeber weight gain is not in indication that somone is fully recoverd....altho ed recovery is partly to do with gettin to a healthy weight and being body happy its not the whole issue....many ppl can be forced to gain alof of weight but still have the anorexic mindset and dont wanna change it. u do, u wanna change and are making great steps towards reovery...slow an steady wins the race is what i tell myself. dont let this girls progress/weight affect how u feel about ur recovery.....your doing brilliantly so have some faith in urself hun !!

Hey, good for you for actually admitting your feelings.  You can't control your automatic responses so there's no point in beating yourself up for them or giving them hideous labels. They're just feelings. The only time thoughts and emotions can actually be called evil are when they control your actions. Sounds like you're too much of a thinking person to let that happen. (Actually I suppose, they can be powerful/negative when you worry about having them and beat yourself up about it. Feel 'em, acknowledge 'em, maybe even laugh at yourself then let 'em go.. It's like what my pal used to say about guilt. It's an utterly useless emotion. If you're not going to act on it by making change, let it go.)

Everyone has their own path. Maybe slow is the way you need to go, as long as your going in a positive direction. You don't know her or her situation. Hopefully not, but maybe she's having just as horrible a time with her body image. Maybe she's struggling to control over eating. You can't possibly know her personal struggles -- just like she can't know yours. Nor your mum.

Your mum means well, but she can never understand what you're going through, and unfortunately you can just shrug and let it go.

You can't hate yourself for what you've done in the past. The past is the past and you can't change it. You can only change tomorrow -- so do it! You know what you need to do, if you want to stop feeling negatively about your past, you have to change your tomorrow, so when tomorrow is the past, you can look back on it and smile. =)

From what I've seen of your posts here, you have made progress. Don't worry about comparing yourself to other people. You are you, and you are wonderful!