Serious this time - need support

Right, Iam going back to weight gain, seriously this time, not just toying around with it.  As a starting point, I am 181cm, and 54 kg.  In July I reached 62kg, and my lowest was 48.  I have to do this, this time, properly.  Last time I gained weight I never lost control, never broke any of my rules, and I definitely need to this time.  I need to do this, I **** up my undergrad and only got a 2.1 because in exams I was too busy thinking about eating to concentrate, and I've just enrolled in an MA.  I am not going to screw this one up.  I can't go to job interviews and have them look at me, I'm bored of going into coffee shops and ordering a normal americano and having them stare at me, and give me that awful knowing look (OK, so I'm an anorexic.  I'm ALSO a coffee snob and that's the reason I'm not drinking your faux-coffee milk based concoction).  SO I have to do this.  I want a boyfriend, but the truth is, boys are turned off by me because I'm skinny.  L in the restaurant where I work hugged me the other day and went 'ew darling, I cannot hug you, eat something next week for me, darling, OK?'

But I have a problem, and my problem is, I just don't want to gain weight.  I want to lose it.  Yes, this is crazy.  I know it's crazy, you know it's crazy, but there it is, and, let's face it, my track record on the non-crazy side of life isn't that brilliant.

So I don't know what to do.  My god, it's just so hard.  I'm fighting against all my instincts.  I live alone, so I have no one to be accountable to if I don't eat (and that secret thrill of pleasure that ED gets from it when I don't).  I have no friends that I can talk to about it.

And when I look in the mirror, I'm sorry, I'm just not that thin.  I know I'm tall, so I can lose and gain more than a shorter person with little notice.  But I'm just not that thin.

This sucks.

So I need to gain.  Question:  When I was gaining before I was eating upwards of 3000 calories a day.  Do I need to do this again to jump start my metabolism or because I'm not that underweight should I just go for the base 2500?  And how can I not screw up my metabolism and only gain on 2000, because I certainly don't want to do that?  I also waitress three times a week, and once clubs start at Uni I shall probably get back into sports - I'm a squash enthusiast and a rock climber, though maybe I should take up chess?  Plus, I am CONSTIPATED like you would not BELIEVE!!!!It hurts........

And if I'm honest I'm worried that I'll get fat overnight and then the people on my course who have just met me when I'm thin won't like me (God, I'm a 22 year old woman, why do I think this way)

One thing's for sure, it's my birthday next thursday, and I am sure as hell not having another cakeless, sober day.

Please help, I need to know its OK to do this.

I don't have any help to offer because, oddly, I am in exactly the same situation as you. I've just started my MA and have also (sort of) relapsed. I don't see myself as that underweight either so I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to gain weight.

Sorry for hijacking and not being supportive... I suppose we need to remember that to perform to our best academic ability we need to be at a healthy weight! I was thinking I could increase to 2000 calories and if I stop gaining on that before I reach a healthy BMI I'd increase further.

It is completely normal to not want to gain weight. I never wanted to gain weight, you just have to push yourself to start and then it does get easier, I promise.

The want to lose weight and the thrill it gives you is part of the eating disorder (I'm assuming you have one), recovery and weight gain is learning to fight that, that want will always be there you just need to learn to control it.

This site recommends that you start weight gain at 2500 calories - at least. I only recently made this jump, it was so scary, the hardest thing I've done but now I am gaining the same amount of weight I would of on 2000 calories or less. It's about letting your body heal.

There are so many lovely people of this site that will give you support whenever you need it, will all know how hard it is but you have to make a committment to weight gain and recovery.

Of course gaining weight and recovering from your eating disorder is a fantastic, healthy and worthwhile goal.

The problem is, we at CC can sit here and tell you that until we're blue in the face. At the end of the day, the only person who can recover is you - nobody else can make you. That might not be want you want to hear when you're struggling to make that commitment, but if you're the only one who can do the recovery work, it also means you already have the strength and ability to succeed - you just need to find it.

How to find that motivation you need? A good first step would be to start questioning your eating-disordered beliefs. Why is it so necessary to be underweight? If you are really "not skinny" then why is everyone so concerned about you? What do you stand to gain from staying underweight? Why is it necessary to starve yourself? If you maintain a healthy BMI, will you really look fat to everyone else? Heck, even if you were fat, would the world really grind to a halt? If you eat enough to nourish your body, are you really greedy - or does ED just think that?

I also found it helpful to write out two stories about my life in five years time. In the first story, I hung on to my eating disorder; my health got worse, I became more isolated, lost friends, became alienated from family and didn't have many good relationships. I wasn't happy. In the second story, I gave up my eating disorder and decided to grab hold of life. I felt healthy and energised and happy; I made new friends and had a great relationship; I actually achieved things instead of being blinkered by obsession with food and weight. Write out these two stories and you will soon see you have little to gain from staying ill and so, so much to gain from recovery.

You can stay sick for a lifetime if you choose - no-one can really stop you. But the fact that you could spend your life sick and unhappy should be motivation for you to recover, because you will have to recover at some stage in order to be happy - so better you do this sooner rather than later.

I have links to ED recovery resources on my profile page if you are interested.

first of all i can understand you feeling like this , but this isnt you talking its the ed disorder giving you a distorted view . it good that you can see where things are going wrong and what isnt normal . meryl gave good advice we can only help and support you but you have got to want to gain weight and become healthy to. you have got be prepared to face all your fears. initially i felt like you like i didnt want to gain but once i got in to it i started eating more , and realising how much more physically and mentially better i felt by eating . the more i challenged those ed thoughts the more logic i could see. and how actually my way of life wasnt normal , eating wasnt going to make me fat , and i wouldnt be able to live a happy healthy weight being so thin. as you progress the positive energy kicks in and i assure you you will want to do this. its not about getting you fat , its about restoring your weight to the least you should be to be healthy. you dont want to be feeling like this do you ? you dont want to be sat in a coffee shop stuck up a corner drinking black coffee while your friends are sipping on cream teas and eating cakes do you ?. because this is what this illness does it leaves you stuck in a bubble isolated from the world. you have the power and strength to do this. what have you to lose? are you seeing any one professional ? i would recommend you having theapy and dietary input. there are lots of issues i think you need to deal with , after all its not just about food. you are tall im 5 ft 10 . i dont know what you are eating at the moment but i would suggest you up your intake every few days till you rteach 2500 then see how your weight goes from there my guess is you will need more as you are very tall and young . use the weight gain forum post your meal plans we will all support you you are not alone . i say increase slowly as it might be mentially easier for you to deal with cause i wouldnt want you to start panicing and restricted. dont worry about your metabolism ive had this illness for 14 years and mine isnt screwed the body is a very clever machine. as for the constipation , again i think this will ease but you need to be eating more first 3 meals 3 snacks, consistancy is the key. so go ahead take that step today you can do this , and dig deep you do want to dont you ? h x

hey, this sounds very similar to me. im not extremely underweight, but i have to gain to get my period back and to reach a normal bmi, but i look at other people who are thinner (though people tell me IM the thinner one, i guess my view is distorted) and i want to lose weight! but just think that when they say "eat something for me, darling" they mean it, and their perception of weight is more accurate than yours.  people have told me that countless times, that my ribs are disgusting, etc, and now i try to take it as an insult instead of a compliment. i know what its like to not feel "sick enough" to gain, but every one is different, and you are very underweight and you need to. just face it now, and accept that it is inevitable. i should practice what i preach

as for the constipation, ive unfortunately had too much experience with this: take senna cot stool softener, or ive heard colase and dulcolax are good too, have lots of prunes, and try to eat normal balanced meals spread throughout the day, and make sure to drink! i know fluids may fill you up, but in the longrun it helps! 

best of luck! always here <3

oh, and for the coffee with me too! iced or regular...so boring, they look at me like "that's it????" i know what its like!

am i wrong or is ur bmi about 16.4?

how is that NOT extremely underweight?  maybe i calcualted wrong?/

OMG

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

do something people before it's too late!

171 cm n 52 kg i thought i was anorexic!and i'm trying to gain weight!so i'm obese in comparison to you!!!then u think u're not underweight?OMG!

Listen!the answer to one of my posts:

People who are underweight and who routinely undereat don't have good muscle-tone.   This is because the body 'cannibalises' lean tissue to make up for missing energy.   Over time, if you carry on being underweight and undereating the lean tissue being used also includes that of your heart muscles.  Which is why a common cause of death in people with anorexia is 'sudden heart failure'.

reference: gi-jane!

Hi guys, 

firstly I want to thank you all for your replies, which were so helpful to me, and so wonderfully useful.  I do appreciate that I am underweight, but for me it's hard because last time when I went into recovery I was so much worse.  Still, I believe I can do it this time, with everyone I know is behind me!  I called up and got an appointment with a dietician for thursday, so hopefully that will help, and I'm slowly eating more.  So it's going to be hard this time, because I'm doing properly, but what's the honest alternative?

Tonight, I'm going out to pizza express with some people from the flat downstairs, and I'm freaking out, but I can do it because this, i keep telling myself, is what normal people do.

I'm also going to start posting in the what did you eat today thread and holding myself accountable that way.

Thanks so much.

Original Post by tfournay:

Hi guys, 

firstly I want to thank you all for your replies, which were so helpful to me, and so wonderfully useful.  I do appreciate that I am underweight, but for me it's hard because last time when I went into recovery I was so much worse.  Still, I believe I can do it this time, with everyone I know is behind me!  I called up and got an appointment with a dietician for thursday, so hopefully that will help, and I'm slowly eating more.  So it's going to be hard this time, because I'm doing properly, but what's the honest alternative?

Tonight, I'm going out to pizza express with some people from the flat downstairs, and I'm freaking out, but I can do it because this, i keep telling myself, is what normal people do.

I'm also going to start posting in the what did you eat today thread and holding myself accountable that way.

Thanks so much.

 good luck tfouray you can do it xxx

hey,

 Everyone here has given you such wonderful advice and support! I don't have anything more to add, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this!=) Take it one day at a time and do this for you. You deserve to eat just as much as the next person does..

Hope you enjoyed your pizza! Good luck!!