Set Boundaries to Reduce Holiday Stress
By Diane Petrella, MSW
The hustle and bustle of the holiday season places extra demands on our already busy lives. If you’re like most people you may feel pressure to take on more than you can comfortably handle. You may struggle with balancing your needs against increased family obligations. This added stress often results in over-eating and using food to calm anxiety. So, what can you do to prevent this from happening? Set your boundaries! Setting strong boundaries is one of the best ways for you to enjoy the stress-free holiday that you deserve.
Me – Boundary - You
Boundaries are the emotional borders we place between ourselves and other people. They reflect how we treat ourselves in relationship to others. For example, someone with strong boundaries can easily say “no” when they don’t want to do something; someone with weak boundaries may say “yes” when they really mean no because they fear displeasing others. Healthy boundaries support you in making strong, confident decisions; weak boundaries encourage people-pleasing.
Boundaries and Weight
How does setting boundaries relate to food and weight? When you disregard your own desires and make decisions based solely on pleasing others, you betray yourself. You literally become weighed down by denying your own needs. This lack of self-respect breeds frustration and discontent. It erodes your self-worth. You further betray yourself and your body when you then use food to emotionally soothe and numb yourself to that pain.
When you no longer disregard yourself by people-pleasing to others’ expectations, you will actually experience a sense of lightness in your mind and body. Gone is that feeling of deprivation often associated with restricted food choices. You no longer need food to fulfill you because you know how to fill yourself. It’s all connected!
For instance, my client, Helen, felt burdened for months with the notion of traveling this holiday season. She knew her parents wanted to see her children and felt obligated to drive the six hours to visit them. But with increased job responsibilities and limited vacation time, she yearned for the simplicity and comfort of staying home this year. But she couldn’t say no! The stress of doing something she didn’t want to do increased her tendency to over-eat. After working on this for several weeks she finally mustered the courage to reveal to her mother her true thoughts. She survived her mother’s disappointment - and felt relief. The added bonus was that after making that call she exercised for the first time in months! Once she no longer felt weighed down by the burden of denying herself, she became emotionally liberated to exercise and to manage her food intake.
It wasn’t merely staying home this holiday that helped Helen get back on track. It was finding the confidence to be true to herself.
Honor Thyself
If you equate setting strong boundaries with selfishness, it may be hard for you to take good care of yourself. Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t give you permission to be unkind or to devalue the needs of others. It’s about being self-respectful, honoring your desires and confidently conveying what you want.
Here are four tips for authentic holiday cheer and improved self-confidence:
- Say “yes” when you really mean yes.
- Say “no” when you really mean no.
- Say, “I’m not sure about that – but I’ll get back to you,” when you’re undecided.
- Say “I apologize if this is disruptive for you, but after thinking about__________ I realize that that doesn’t really work for me, so I won’t be able to________ ” if you’ve changed your mind about something (which you have the right to do!).
Your thoughts....
What boundaries will you set this holiday season?
Diane Petrella, MSW is a psychotherapist and life coach. She offers her clients a spiritual approach to weight loss and helps them develop a loving, respectful relationship with their bodies. Receive a free copy of Diane’s Seven Easy & Effortless Weight Loss Secrets by signing up for her monthly e-newsletter, Living Lightly, for spiritual insights and tips to release weight with confidence and love. To contact Diane directly visit her website at www.dianepetrella.com
Comments
I can relate to this so much. Each year we hold open house at our home on Christmas Eve. Each year I plan a reasonable menu (variety and abundance) of appetisers and beverages for our guest. Each year my husband, usaully at the last moment, thinks there is not enough. So to avoid the arguement I am so used to having after 24 years of marriage I bend and run around like a nut to the grocery store and liquor store in the hours before guests arrive. So when the evening is over there is more food left over then what my original menu had been from the begining and its not usually the fruit or vegetables left, its cake and pasteries. So over the next week the "bad" foods are readily available.... you know what that means......How do I make this cycle stop?
Don't argue with your husband. Don't go to the store.
"Honey, thanks for caring about this party. I have everything under control."
i.e.-- stop the cycle by making a decision to stop the cycle.
Wow this article is so helpful I remember as a child the pastor saying let your yes be yes and your no be no meaning that when you say yes then do it but if you mean no don't go back on it. Thanks for refreshing my brain
I needed to read this article! My workplace is doing a cookie exchange in a couple of weeks. While it is a nice thing to do to get all of us together for some fun, I know there's no way I can handle having 3 dozen cookies (and NOT eating them!) at my house during the holidays! I've been struggling whether to just cave in and say yes so people don't get mad at me, or do what's best for me by saying no. Thank you for reminding me that I need to take care of me!!
To datasimons- Why don't you try discussing the menu with your husband a few days ahead of time. Seek his input and encourage him to "sign off" on the menu. Remind him of all the leftovers you have every year. Then, once you've agreed to the menu, make what you've agreed on. If he thinks there's not enough come Christmas Eve, tell him he knows where the grocery store is!
This is a good article.
Regarding the left overs I call the 5-C's (Cake, Candy, Chips, Cookies and Cola), it only takes seconds to throw left overs out in the trash compared to weeks of trying to remove them from one's hips. cle
If you just want to be part of the fun do the cookie exchange but take your 3 dozen to a homeless shelter or food bank right after the exchange.
Also if you are cooking you have the choice! try to cook the healthy version of the cookies, the turkey or the cakes.
To me that is the secret, there is always a heathy tasty version of holiday foods. I try to make as much as possible from scratch and it ends up better and healthier in the process.
I also took the choice a few yeas ago not to have to spend every year at my parents home being stuffed with food! Now I am free to spend this year with friends or on holiday. I will visit family before christmas which ends up better as there is no pressure on anyone to cook etc. We get so little holiday time these days that christmas can be one of the few times we can take a week off work at the same time as friends or boyfriends and spend some quality time...!
Learning to say no, gently but firmly, is a hard lesson. I liked this article very much because it reminded me of what it takes to have honest relationships.
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Huh, this article is about me! I'm such a pushover and I will do anything to please people. I don't want to, but I just don't have the strength to say no! That was a big part of my weight loss journey - I wanted to lose weight and gain some confidence, which hopefully would help me to be more assertive. I'm getting there, but it's a slow process...
Boundaries I plan to set this Christmas: I will not spend Christmas Eve at my mother-in-law's, with her boyfriend's family. I tentatively tried to invite her over to our place - bf's family excluded, of course - but she said she'd rather stay home and have everyone come there. I didn't know how to say that I would rather rip my head off than spend another Xmas with the bf's terrible family (the bf is fine, it's just his relatives that I can't stand). But I will! I will tell her that it's fine if she wants to stay home, but we're staying home as well. And I hope her feelings won't be hurt too badly...
I'll get my hubby to stand right next to me when I tell her that, for some added support, though...