How do I set my mother straight?

The following are excerpts from real conversations with my mom.  I have never known how to answer her.  I need help though because as I lose weight the conversations only repeat.

Me - "I really need to lose weight mom"

Mom -"oh maybe a little"

Me - " well I figure i have 30-40 lbs to lose"

Mom - "oh I doubt that"

Me - "No, really.  I weight 152 lbs.  Maybe more.  I have not had the courage to look again"

Mom - "oh I doubt that"

Mom - 'where are you getting that number?"

Me - "from the scale mom"

Mom - "scales are often inaccurate"

Me - "yes they are, but not usually by 30 lbs"

Mom "you dont have 30 lbs to lose, maybe 1o at most"

Me - "mom I am fat.  I am borderline obese. I have more than 10 lbs to lose"

Mom -"oh I doubt that"

Me - 'what do you doubt?  That I am telling the truth? "

Mom -"well not that exactly.  But we all have a tendency to have screwed up perceptions"

Mom -"who says you are obese?"

Me - "weight charts mom."

Mom - "where are you getting your information?  The internet?"

Me "whats the problem mom?  I am fat and need to lose weight"

Mom -"I did not say there was a problem.  But the internet is not the best place to get information"

OK - at this point I will spare you the rest.  This conversation repeats in various forms.  Now that I have lost weight the only real difference is that the numbers have changed.

What I need is a way to address "oh I doubt that".

Every time she says it it makes me feel that she believes I am deliberately trying to deceive her.    "everyone has screwed up perceptions" simply says she does not trust me.

Yet how stupid is that?  When I started I was 50 lbs MORE than my weight through my 20s and early 30s.  I was 50% heavier to be exact.  The idea that I would exaggerate my weight is ridiculous.

The next conversation will be "how much have you lost?" "22 lbs so far mom" "oh I doubt that"

I see my mother tomorrow. 

I tend to operate on the basis that, as an adult, I don't need approval....  Provided I'm not actually harming myself or someone else I don't have to justify myself, engage in debate or rationalise my actions.  If I were you, therefore, I'd quietly get on with the job, lose the 20 or 30lbs and present yourself as a fait accompli. 

And my technique when my mother raises subjects I don't want to talk about.... big smile... offer to put the kettle on. 

I agree with Jane. 

Basically I would not bring up the subject, just go about your own way and if she does bring it up and asks how much weight you  have lost you can always dodge the question by answering  in a vague manner and saying things such as "getting closer to my goal every day" and if she asks what your goal is  answer "when I feel comfortable and good about myself"  etc etc.   

Original Post by gi-jane:

I tend to operate on the basis that, as an adult, I don't need approval....  Provided I'm not actually harming myself or someone else I don't have to justify myself, engage in debate or rationalise my actions.  If I were you, therefore, I'd quietly get on with the job, lose the 20 or 30lbs and present yourself as a fait accompli. 

And my technique when my mother raises subjects I don't want to talk about.... big smile... offer to put the kettle on. 

 Ditto. 

I do so love it when someone else keeps me from having to do all the typing

Original Post by eringilbert:

I do so love it when someone else keeps me from having to do all the typing

Which is why I haven't felt the urge to comment on the most excellently reasoned '40lbs of pony & trap' thread.  ....  

:::falls off chair laughing manically:::

as a parent we do have the right to question what our children do to themselves while under our care and supervision.

I would not go ahead and just start doing the diet without first getting your Parents support..which looks like it is your Mom's support you need here.

It is important to give your Mom some facts...CC has lots of info you can print out and let her read.  Work on showing her why there is a need and what you need to do.

She is the one buying the groceries and until you leave home you have to convince her to buy what you need in healthy food to maintain a well balanced healthy diet using CC guidelines.  Let her know you are not doing it your self but following a reputable program, let her see it...get setup enter all your data on CC and print out the results...your BMI under tools etc.

SHOW HER YOU REALLY KNOW WHY!

The fear we parents get is you will follow some starvation diet and many kids do become anorexic because of it.  The fact you know you want to lose weight is good but with Mom in your corner it will be so much easier.

um, it's just a hunch, but I have the sneaking suspicion that the OP is currently in her late 30s to early 40s as she talks about weighing more than she did in her 20s and early 30s.

Could be wrong....

Ahhhhh, who am I kidding?  I'm never wrong. 

I think what your mother is trying to do is not insult you, but to let you know that she loves you--no matter what size you are.

Also, it seems to me that she is trying to make you think.

So many times we get caught up in the self perceptions that others put on us, such as the BMI index which does not account for body types (ie muscular build), but can insinuate that one is unhealthy when the opposite is true: or the scale which measures our gravitational force and not our actual weight.

It seems to me that she justs wants you to do it for the right reasons, rather than because a machine says this is what you need to do. Next time try telling her that it makes you unhappy to be this heavy and that you would appreciate her support. Then if she replies, "Oh, I doubt that"  you better know her perspective.

Another ditto for Jane.  I've learned NOT to EVER talk about weight with my mother or my mother-in-law.  At all.  Never.  Ever.  They have too many of their own issues about weight for us to ever have a reasonable conversation about it--plus, since the rest of the family (and in-laws) are always gossiping about each other's weights, the moment I bring it up is the moment that a world-wide network of people will be alerted to every pound I gain or lose, every morsel they think I eat, and every workout they think I may or may not have done.  I just don't need that many people in my business!

So, the only person I ever talk about my weight with is my husband, and that's only because he lives with me, so what I'm doing (or not) about my weight is pretty obvious to him, and his support is all the support I need.

It sounds like your mother is trying to be supportive by telling you that you don't look overweight to her.  In other words, either she's trying to be polite, or she simply may not see the extra weight (a mother's love can blind people to that sort of thing).  What do you want her to do, anyway, tell you that you're a giant tub of lard or something?  It almost sounds like it.  How would you really feel if she suddenly told you what you're so desperately trying to get out of her? 

Take a step back and ask yourself what you really want out of these conversations.  If it's just that she support you in your weight loss efforts, it may seem reasonable, but it may also be too much to ask of her, it sounds like.  Actually, her responses to you sound like she's just trying to end the conversation, but you're prolonging it by arguing with her.  Maybe she just doesn't want to talk about it, and that's okay.

Your weight/weight loss is none of your mother's business either way, so why do you keep bringing it up with her?  The best policy for you both is probably just not to discuss it at all.

Original Post by eringilbert:

um, it's just a hunch, but I have the sneaking suspicion that the OP is currently in her late 30s to early 40s as she talks about weighing more than she did in her 20s and early 30s.

Could be wrong....

Ahhhhh, who am I kidding?  I'm never wrong. 

 

 Besides, if mom didn't buy the whole internet thing to begin with it probably won't be anymore convincing if it is printed on pretty paper.

I have the complete OPPOSITE of your lovely mom. Here is a readers digest of our almost daily conversation. Keep in mind I am 49 years old and my mom lives 2 hours away, recently diagnosed with dementia.

Mom: How is your diet going?

<<< Fine mom, dropped a couple of pounds this week!

Mom: You know, you looked so good last year, how much did you weigh?

<<< The same as I did a month ago and the same as the past 10 years!

Mom: Noooo, you lost a lot of weight last year, I could see it in your face. By the way, when did you get that breast enlargement?

<<< (*Big Sigh*) Never did get that breast enlargement mom, that is just good old fashioned F-A-T and I got it for free! Good Shopping huh mom? (I always try to interject some kind of humor because I know the road this conversation travels - I am also trying to make a mental note of going through my closet and finding that damn outfit that I wore and getting my hair done again!)

Mom: You remember last year when you were thinner, you had to have felt better...

<<< I know mom, I had a lot more energy. I'll get there again..

The rest of the conversation just goes around and around if I let it so I quickly change the subject to her card-playing Bridge cronies, she can talk for days on that subject!

 So after months of the same conversation I just try to nip it in the bud. Mom's are all the same, they all love us - no matter what the age - we are still their kids. Don't give up, just try to avoid the conversation if you can and find a friend you can talk to about weight loss. I have found this much more satisfying

Breast Enlargement??? Hmmm.... Was I ever really that small up there?....

i hate talking about weight to my mother because she seems resentful that I am the thinnest out of everyone.

I am in a family were my mother diets all the time and exercises like a maniac yet she is still over weight. The issue is the "child" (regardless of your age) looking for acceptance and guidance from a parent. It's the classic "looking for love and approval" from the parent. In my case, EVERYTHING revolves around my weight (in my family) whether I was heavy or now thin. I couldn't win so I just avoided the issue and if they made comments I would ignore acknowledging anything.

A word to the wise, do not even discuss it. Sounds like she's just reassuring you that you are fine the way you are. The way parents should be.

How do you set her straight?  Damned if I know.  I've been trying all my adult life and it doesn't work.  I'm 66 and she's 96, and can still be counted on to shoot me down.  Just give it up as a bad job.  I have.

ur complaining about how she isnt saying something like

 ''yes you are very overweight, you better lose a lot.''

but would u not go mental if she did say that? shes trying to be supportive, in her own way.

stop being childlike and badgering her for a reaction when ud be complaining one way or another.  lose weight yourself and dont discuss it with her.

Original Post by themassageguy:

as a parent we do have the right to question what our children do to themselves while under our care and supervision.

I would not go ahead and just start doing the diet without first getting your Parents support..which looks like it is your Mom's support you need here.

 

 

 Massage guy - I am 42.

In my teens and early 20s, I can't tell you how many times I would try on something, and my mother would say, "If you just lost 5 lbs, that would look great," or something to that effect.  I can't tell you how many times my mother told me I just needed to lose 5 pounds.  I was fully aware that I needed to lose more than 5 pounds, so I just found it horribly annoying.

For the great majority of us, our mothers do not have a realistic idea of what we look like, and there are many reasons for that.  For one thing, they love us and can be a bit blind to some of our faults.  Also, to some degree, they blame themselves for our faults, and to some degree that's justified.  We learn our eating and excercise habits from our mothers and of course our genetics.  She doesn't want to believe you're that much overweight because then she'll feel guilty about that, even though you're an adult and fully responsible for your own actions.

My advice for:

Mom: Oh, I doubt that.

madamq: OK.

You're not going to change her mind.  She doubts it?  OK, she doubts it.  Agree with her right to be wrong and move on.  You know better.

Original Post by ktjo:

ur complaining about how she isnt saying something like

 ''yes you are very overweight, you better lose a lot.''

 

but would u not go mental if she did say that? shes trying to be supportive, in her own way.

stop being childlike and badgering her for a reaction when ud be complaining one way or another.  lose weight yourself and dont discuss it with her.

 Totally agree.

I'm not really sure what you wanted her to say or where you were going with the conversation, but, then again, my inability to understand the female mind is probably one of the biggest reasons I am still single!

That said, I will go on the assumption that you simply want her approval since she can't actually lose the weight for you.  So, that being the case, when she got to the point where she said that you could maybe lose ten pounds, I would have jumped on that as common ground.  I would have told her that at least she acknowledges that I do need to lose some weight and that I would feel a whole lot better if she would support me until I reached a weight I was comfortable at.

Good luck!

Original Post by madamq: 

 Massage guy - I am 42.

And you still have conversations with your mother? Well done!

Original Post by dkiesser:

I think what your mother is trying to do is not insult you, but to let you know that she loves you--no matter what size you are.

Also, it seems to me that she is trying to make you think.

Totally agree with that. 

Your mom loves you, and surely cares about your health. She just doesn't care what your 'stats' are. You are her child.

In my opinion, it is better than having a mom that comments about your weight and appearance all the time, and is constantly on a diet herself, talking about it.

She is trying to protect you I think - even though you are adult now. 

Gosh, makes me think about what I will do if I ever have kids? .....so complex.