Sex-capades!

Alright, I have had a sh*tty effing day and need some cheering up, and what better way than to talk about sex.  Share your most embarassing, funniest, most awkward stories about doing the deed! 

I'll go first:

Not far (couple months) into my relationship with my beau; immediatly after having sex, I rolled over only to find that the bed we were on was a little narrower than I had judged, and found myself sitting on the floor.  He cracked up, as did I, and even to this day, a year and a half later, whenever I make a joke at his expense (in private of course) he throws it in my face. I am always at a lack of retort.

Your turn.

Not exactly about doing the deed, but a funny story nonetheless (and it stars a penis):  My now-hubby went skinny dipping with some friends in college and was stung by a jellyfish.  Yes, there.  He ended up in the emergency room.  I only wish I'd known him then, because I can just imagine the ER docs snickering outside his room.  Frankly, that story was the reason I fell in love with him.    OK, one of the reasons. 

Original Post by phylbean:

Not exactly about doing the deed, but a funny story nonetheless (and it stars a penis):  My now-hubby went skinny dipping with some friends in college and was stung by a jellyfish.  Yes, there.  He ended up in the emergency room.  I only wish I'd known him then, because I can just imagine the ER docs snickering outside his room.  Frankly, that story was the reason I fell in love with him.    OK, one of the reasons. 

 Message recieved! Dont try to stick a jellyfish....check.

OK.  Not a sex-capade, but a funny penis story.

My son (then 2) was very allergic to mosquito bites, and got one right on the tip of his penis.  Have you ever seen what happens to a penis when you get a mosquito bite?  It swelled up--and out--until the poor lil guy was shaped like a doorknob!  Really!

Now, not having a penis myself, I had no idea what was happening to my son.  I was afraid it was a spider bite or something, so I took him to the doctor.  She pulled down his underwear, did a double take, and said, "Whoa."  And then she gave me some awesome advice--"try to get him to leave it alone."  Yeah, right.  What guy of any age could leave THAT alone?

There's a post somewhere, I can't remember who it was by or on what specific thread about my wedding, but someone rolled out of bed on their wedding night, conked their head on a radiator or something, and was voted most likely to wear a helmet during sex.

My best story is after some nifty drunken oral sex we changed positions, finished up, and he said, "Oh, by the way, I'd kiss you but you peed in my mouth."

Well, husband, that's what you get for not understanding the words NO MORE.

My boyfriend and I were doing it after wayyyyy to many drinks. Things were getting crazy when I bounced so hard on the bed it pinched a cord under the mattress and started a electrical fire.

lol I'v had the frame of a bed come apart >.<...

My husband and I were on vacation last year at his dad's house for Christmas. He had this lamp in there with no shade on it. It was so bright, I thought laying a blanket over it would provide better lighting. I knew if it was touching the bulb, it would probably burn up so I propped it over the TV. Well, I guess it dipped down again and as we were going at it, I smelled smoke. Of course, the darn blanket had caught on fire. Turns out, the blanket was very special to his dad's girlfriend too. Man, I felt like such a jerk.

Then of course, there is the classic "slip" (you know, where the penis "accidentally" finds itself in the wrong hole?) Husband slips, I excuse myself to the restroom where I cry for about a half hour with the door locked and politely tell him to "go ahead and finish without me". "What" he says, "You're not coming back?" Gee, ya think? :)

When I was with my first bf, he started kissing me after I had finished him off and I guess there was still some 'residue' because he got a taste of his own medicine, if you know what I mean haha. Another time with that same bf, I learned not to go down on a guy after wearing a spermicidal condom...sooo gross.

Our bed used to be on those hard, thick, plastic cone-shaped risers... you know, like you get for dorm rooms at Bed Bath and Beyond?  Well I guess we were going at it too hard 'cause allofthesudden 2 legs of the bed broke right through the tops of those suckers.  Took FOREVER to lift the bed up enough and angle the riser in such a way that we could get the legs out. 

Needless to say we now have metal risers that my boyfriend made up himself with some random pipes and miscellaneous hardware from the local True Value.  No way these things are poppin' through again!

Original Post by changeofheart:

Then of course, there is the classic "slip" (you know, where the penis "accidentally" finds itself in the wrong hole?)

I've had this happen to me with my current b/f of 4 years.. We were on our first Valentine's Day get-away at a really nice hotel room and things got a little slippery down there and he went the wrong way... I curled up in the fetal position and cried for about 30 minutes.. He felt so bad he couldn't finish.. it was bad...

then, with my ex from like 6 years ago, we were going at it and I was on top and my younger sister (16 at the time) walked in on us and saw me in all my glory, on my ex... that was embarrassing... I don't think the image of my pasty white a** has ever left her memory... yay me for scarring innocent minds... lol... at least it wasn't my parents walking in! I wouldn't have an a** anymore!

I have a funny penis story too! :D

At the wonderful age of 4, I got Chicken Pox. Red bumps all over, itched like hell, no fun. Up to this point, my mom used to kiss my booboos better. ANYWAYS, my mom goes off to work and my grandma's watching me, and I'm itchy and it sucks and.. long story short, she's putting.. calamine, I guess, on the pox to help them stop itching and asks me where all the booboos are. I drop my pants and there's one on my... and I open my mouth and ask "Well, aren't you going to kiss it?"

When my grandma stops LAUGHING, she calls my mom up and says "We need to talk about this Kissing the Booboos thing."

To celebrate the release of Spiderman 3 in cinemas I spidermanned my now ex-boyfriend.

Urban dictionary it. Hahaha.

Original Post by cellulitedelight:

There's a post somewhere, I can't remember who it was by or on what specific thread about my wedding, but someone rolled out of bed on their wedding night, conked their head on a radiator or something, and was voted most likely to wear a helmet during sex.

My best story is after some nifty drunken oral sex we changed positions, finished up, and he said, "Oh, by the way, I'd kiss you but you peed in my mouth."

Well, husband, that's what you get for not understanding the words NO MORE.

I can't top any of the stories here.  Just some queefs during sex that were ultra embarassing. "It's just air...I swear"

My husband and I were having a nice romantic evening and one thing led to another, while in the middle of sex, for some still un-known reason, I decided I was finished, started thinking about bills, the kids, .... my husband senses something is wrong, I tell him just to finish, and then start laughing uncontrollably.  Needless to say, no one finished that night.  We have been married 14 years. We still laugh about it. 

You guys are outrageous!  Mine's pretty mild by comparison.

We were gettin' busy, there was one tug too many on the handcuffs and the entire headboard came crashing down!  Fortunately, all 5 of us were able to scramble out of the way in time and no one was hurt.

Original Post by splitrail:

You guys are outrageous!  Mine's pretty mild by comparison.

We were gettin' busy, there was one tug too many on the handcuffs and the entire headboard came crashing down!  Fortunately, all 5 of us were able to scramble out of the way in time and no one was hurt.

What smells like Bull in here all of a sudden?

I smell a "Big Fish" story.

Original Post by hkellick:

What smells like Bull in here all of a sudden?

Fine.  We'll invite you next time. 

Original Post by phylbean:

Not exactly about doing the deed, but a funny story nonetheless (and it stars a penis):  My now-hubby went skinny dipping with some friends in college and was stung by a jellyfish.  Yes, there.  He ended up in the emergency room.  I only wish I'd known him then, because I can just imagine the ER docs snickering outside his room.  Frankly, that story was the reason I fell in love with him.    OK, one of the reasons. 

 He was lucky! Bunch of us were swimming (with trunks) at the beach in Pensacola. He dove in and somehow sucked a jellyfish into his very loose trunks. I still cringe.

O.K my husband has an awful shoe fetish totally gets him super excited ( yeah me ) anyway i was laying in bed trying to be sexy with my stripper heels on, went to kick the sheets off, my shoe flies off and of course clocks me right in the head!!!! with a thunk none the less. my husband starts laughing and say's now that's hot!!!