Sex, Fat, & Weight Loss (?) Fat to make us asexual??

I want to talk about something that might be a bit racey for this forum.  However, I think that it might affect more of us than we know.

Here it is for me:

When I am fat, I become an asexual being.  When I am fat, I do not want a man, and am not attracted to men.  Fat takes away my desire for a boyfriend, husband, or for sex.

The thinner I get, my desires increase for a boyfriend, husband, and yes...  S E X.

I have had poor relationships with men over my 37 years of life.  At one point, I lost 114 pounds, started dating again, got pregnant and hurt again, really badly.

How do I deal with the surfacing desires for sexual relationships and desires (almost lusful) for men, as I lose weight and feel so much physically better about myself?! 

The thing is, I want to control all areas of my life.  I want to maintain control over my body, my mind, and my desires. 

It sometimes seems like I get control of ONE area, and the other areas fly out of control. 

I don't get it.

Please, share this area of your lives with me, and provide me with some insight into this seemingly big problem for me. 

Kathy

Hey, if there can be a RELIGION post on a food site, then I think a SEX post is perfectly acceptable.

I really don't know how to help you in this area...I haven't had a relationship in over 2 years, and haven't had a date in like 5 months.  So...sorry I can't help, but I do kind of know how you feel.  I feel so much better about myself that it's even MORE depressing that I can't seem to find the right person!

I'll reply to this after I get off of work in some kind of detail.  (Sorry, but this is a bit racey for the office, ya know?)

You know, I have the opposite. The more weight I lose, and the more healthy I become, the less I have the desire for sex. At 150 pounds, I felt I "needed" sex at least once a day, but now that I'm working out 6 days a week and I've gotten myself down to 132, the thought doesn't even cross my mind.

I'm one of those single girls who really enjoys her independence, I suppose, but I really don't feel like I'm missing out on sex these days. Instead, I feel a lot healthier every day, and have tons of energy. It's not that I don't get aroused anymore, but I don't feel like I need the approval of someone else. Weird, huh? :)

Liz :D

Not at all Lizzle!  Not needing someone else's approval is a great thing!  Enjoy your independance, it's lots of fun. 

"The thinner I get, my desires increase for a boyfriend, husband, and yes...  S E X. "

I've been feeling the same way lately, I don't really understand it.
So I can't help you with this. :/

I think you're right - this is an issue that probably more people have than maybe even realize it.

Being very fat, in our culture, is to be practically invisible.

And if you're invisible to the opposite sex, then a couple things come into play. 1) Since you are not desireable to MANY of the men you encounter, you don't have to deal with 'relationship stuff' - like, building trust, emotional vulnerability, etc.  You can be your own little island -- until you can't stand the lonliness any more....

 And 2) it takes your own actions out of the picture -- you don't have to be responsible for not being promiscuous, for example, because mostly being promiscuous is not an option that is available to you.  Even if you wanted to be a skank ho, you might have to really lower your standards to even find people to be skanky with.

So I think what you're really saying is that you need to do some work on who you really are.  Do you really have a strong libido and use weight gain as a cop out to avoid dealing with those emotional issues?  Are you afraid that your libido is so strong that if you are at a healthy weight, that you won't be able to exercise the self-restraint to do what is in your long-term best interests?  Are you so hungry for affection after being overweight that you jump right into relationships that aren't based on mutual respect, love and trust?

The thing to do is to sequester yourself away for a day or two (maybe do this over a period of months) and do a lot of thinking, soul searching, maybe writing in a journal.  Give consideration to who you are, what makes you special and valuable and unique.  What do you want to accomplish in your life?  What kind of person would you like to be on that journey with, if anyone? 

You can either keep hiding behind the fat, or you can lose the fat and sell yourself short by accepting whatever drifts your way like so much trash in the river, or you can come to know yourself as a beautiful, worthy, valuable girl who deserves great sex in the context of a great relationship...

IF that's what you want.  I'm not saying that's for everyone....  If you do your soul-searching and determine that you really just want physical sex and not a deep emotional connection - you know - that's up to you. Hopefully whatever you choose for your life, you'll be happy with your decisions.

I know for me, I have been very okay with having very little social life. But like Finwine said, now that I feel so much better about myself, it makes it that much worse that I have no social life.

For me, i think it's also compounded by the fact that I feel like I missed out on a lot of practice. I became a pretty stalwart tomboy because it was easier that way, but now I LOVE being pretty, feeling sexy, being a woman. But I feel like I'm still 15 in a lot of ways. It's hard.

I was never terribly overweight, but I can say that at a higher weight, my self-esteem was much lower. I think that's why I "needed" a lot of sex. Now that my self-esteem is higher, though, I don't have the problem.

Hmm.

*ponders this, while making coffee drinks at work*

Liz :D

Kirs10, I'm with ya on that.  Flirting?  What's that?  Wait... you mean someone was checking me out? When?

A lot of my friends are rather, ahem, experienced, so I feel very young next to them.  And very, very single.  I see nothing wrong with playing the field as long as you're careful, though.

Darn, I've said this much, I'll add this: if you're still single and don't want to do just a fling, you might check out www.goodvibes.com (Not safe for work! or under 18s).  They've got a lot of stuff and they're very helpful.  Comes of being a women run shop, I imagine.

Wow.

??

hmmm...well, for me, the more i work out and stay buff, the sexier i feel and the greater my sex drive, i think thats definitely tied into my self-image/self-esteem

I have to say that one of the main things (perhaps THE main thing) I'm looking forward to as I continue to lose weight, and I even talk to my husband about this almost every day, poor guy... is the return of my sex drive, which has been nonexistant for the last year or so.  We're "trying to get pregnant", too, so this is a really big deal.  My clock is ticking...

At any rate, I personally have seen a HUGE correlation between weight and sex drive, and I think it is a combination of emotional/psychological issues with the weight and the physical issues that being overweight brings to the sex act itself.   

O k at 210 i only wanted sex about twice a month. I didn't feel sexy or desirable. As my weight has come off, my desires have gone way up. Unfortant my hubbys desires hasn't gone up so I was faced with a few problems. It was either sleepless night or a total BIT?H. I solve my problems by getting a book on how to masturbate. Yes i said the word masturbate. I practice this about twice aweek. I am alot happier and my family has servived. I am now done to 140

Hahahaha, I'm sorry tat2ed4ever but your post made me laugh.

You go girl!

kitkat - a great! ? btw - racy? not even

i think a healthy sex life is essential to a healthy soul, but being female, there are soo many emotions entangled in our libido, it can be difficult to break down and discern what the hells goin on...not that guys arent emotional about sex, its just that, i think its more of a physical need than an emotional need for guys, it keeps things simple, and i think thats a very good thing, and that we girls need to aspire to be like the guys on this one!

it takes alot of work to maintain a healthy sex life with someone youve been with for years, and it seems that so many couples fall out of sync that way...hey tatgirl, is your husband involved in any way with you and your newfound pasttime? if not, maybe you could persuade him to be...

hes involved. sometimes it helps gets him going. but atleast i can sleep now lol

married 8 years, so I dont play the field but losing weight plays a huge amount into my sex drive
1.  I have more stamina
2.  I dont have the "OMG I'm so huge" or "yuck he is touching one of my fat rolls" banging around in my head when I should be thinking "that feels so good"
3.  I can be on top, with big thighs it gets very uncomfortable when I am heavy, great when I am thin.
Im sure there is much more....anyhow I only know because I lost weight between the last two kids and our intimacy went up greatly during that time.
Why not have one of these posts, we talk about everything else that is personal, lol.

You know, I was starting to think I might of started to unlock the mysteries of the female mind, but I am thuroughly confused once again...

hehehe...I was pretty fond of sex before I lost the weight. now? woohoo! hold on tight and pray for mercy, baby!

my husband is a very tired happy man. ^_^

*snickergiggle* tiamat-a couple of those were just waaaaay to high tech. LCD indicators...lol XD