Sex after having kids...

Im just curious if there is any mothers on here that have had babies and not really wanted sex for the first 6 months or so?

I mean, is there something wrong with me for not wanting sex that much at the moment?!?!

Breastfeeding keeps hormones at a level that influences your sex drive.  Supposedly when you stop bf-ing, your sex drive will come back.  At least that's what my midwife claims!!  Also, bf-ing decreases natural lubrication, so that if you do have sex, it isn't very comfortable.  So use some lube!

ahhh lube may help thx alot! :) ok so ill just tell my husband its cuz i breastfeed!! he'll want me to stop asap :( ill have to say too bad cuz its best for the baby.. ha

thx machatica!

Well the fact I was breastfeeding, and birth control really stalled th sex drive.  Then there was the murdered of my Desire to have sex....a 3.5 degree epesiotomy. It took nearly a year and half for that to fully and completey heal. The sad part was every time I told my OB and Midwife how painful that area was they had no answer because it was "so well healed".  Yeah..painful sex really did it in for me.

BTW, RU  you still in lactational Amenoria. IF so your lack of sex drive is natures way of giving you birth control and natural child spacing. My AF came back at 12 weeks PP. I have only skipped two periods since the birth of son, one when I switched Birth Control pills, the other because I took Plan B after I realized I was two days from Ovulation with no fertility signs. 

 

Good lucky and keep up the Breastfeeding. I did for 3 year 8 months.  My DS is a healthy happy little guy who has only been to the doctor twice for illness.  The other times were well child check ups.

Ha, I had my son 11 months ago and only breastfed for 6 weeks.  I still don't want sex lol!

My kids are 12 and 15 years old and I still don't want sex!!  LOL!!! (not that it's bad...I just don't want it).

Personally, for what it's worth, I think that having a family is a lot of work.  Period.  We are always concerned about our kids, and keeping the house together and all that stuff just wears us out.  I love my husband dearly, but as the years go by (and I'm only 37), I feel I need sex less and less, whereas the men want it all the time. 

I wish I could say it will get better and your drive will change, but for me it hasn't.  Either way, I agree with Machitica, use some lube!!

 

really?  is it like this for most women?  that's a huge part of a relationship-  does it ever get back to normal?  I'm not talking pre-marriage where you do it every day-  but at least once a week?

Yes, most of the women I know it's like that.  Yes, it IS a huge part of a relationship.  I'm not saying that we stopped altogether.  There are times when I'm really too tired or worn out or just not in the mood, but I know it's very important for men, so I "do it" anyway.  (and usually glad I gave in)  I wouldn't say once a week....It's more like, on average, 3 times a week for me.

I would not generalize with a yes or no answer. I for one attacked my husband 2 weeks after giving birth to our third daughter. It’s very individual.

LOL!!  mintberry you're funny!!  i'm glad to hear that.  as long as i have my time with him a few times/twice a week I'll be ok!  and I think he'll be ok!!

Original Post by mintberrykin:

I would not generalize with a yes or no answer. I for one attacked my husband 2 weeks after giving birth to our third daughter. It’s very individual.

 I did too, but after a few more weeks the hormones & sleep dep caught up to both of us. My daughter was colicky & we went through a really hard period that first year. Thankfully we're back to normal freaky sex. We have to force ourselves occasionally, but if we don't have sex every other day or so I get mean!

OP: There's nothing wrong with you & you need to take care of yourself. Remember, you also have to take care of your husband or he will have to take care of himself, if you know what I mean. If you can't stand the traditional, give him something else. I swear, blowjobs saved my marraige during my postpartum frigidity. Stay on the same page together & you'll pull through, but don't expect him to "just deal with it."

 

thanks everyone for your help!  yeah i realize that its very very important to him so i need to satisfy his needs... or else he gets in a bad mood.  plus like runningbellydancer said im usually glad i gave in!  i sure hope i get back into the mood soon!

thx all!

I nursed for a minimum of 1 year with each of my 3 children, and I don't know if that was why, but I had a very low sex drive. I felt bad for my hubby, but too apathetic to help out as I was just not in that zone. Bless his heart, he gave me the time and space I needed although I knew he was frustrated with it all.

All I can say is I'm so glad I had my kids in my 20's. Women (maybe not all,  but this one!) reach their peak in early 30's, and it's a good place to be. My husband probably wishes that I would stay at this age/stage forever. On his part, he's keeping up (ahem, pardon the pun) with me really great seen as how he's coming (oh dear) up on nearly 20 years past his peak.

An old (61 yrs young) man's experience if I may. We raised three kids and it was a learning experience all the way. Continual adjustments in our relationships by both of us for 38 years and counting. My wife didn't BF so it was not a factor, and doesn't do BJ's (not a big thing in our generation. The kids are the factor and both parties need to be aware of how that changes a relationship. They add work load to both the wife and husband and physical exhaustion kicks in that wasn't there before when there were only two of yas! Once I realized it and got a grip on myself our relationship strengthened even with the decline in frequency of sex. One great thing we blundered upon was getting the kids to sleep early. We had them all in bed by 8 pm. That gave us some time where we could talk, unwind and some times have sex without having to worry to much about being "caught". Great habit which caused our baby (now 27) some consternation when she went away to college. She complained about not being able to stay past 9pm and couldn't party! We said Great!

However, all is not bleak. I see/we experienced three phases.
first phase - pr kids: whenever, wherever, unplanned and spontaneous, 3-5+ x/week
Second phase - with kids: planned, un-spontaneous, careful (when kids out of the house, or asleep); 1-2 x/week
Third phase - post kids/empty nest: back to unplanned (or at least 30 minutes warning for Viagra to kick in...) and spontaneous, but at a 1-2 x/week level. Neither of us could really sustain phase one any longer!

Ladies I hope this helps and it might even help to show this to your husbands. Our problems were originally caused by ME, not by my wife. Once I realized the workload kids had put on us both and took that into account and calmed myself down our relationship got stronger and we spent more time understanding each other better and she became even more accommodating because we were both trying to make it better. It was not and should not be one sided.

it isn't umcommon, but can I recommend still being there for your hubby?  If it hurts, see a Dr, but if you just are indifferent, be there for him.  Enjoy making him happy, let that be enough for now.  The small sacrifice you make now will go miles in your marriage.  Trust me...it's bery important!  Get LOTS of KY too...a miracle invention for moms!

Totally normal to not want sex!! Aside from the raging hormones, and breastfeeding, healing body, there is that baby who takes up all your attention! Not only are your 'human contact' needs being met by your baby, but you are freakin tired and exhausted from tending to your babys needs! Men should get the hint if they want to return to intimacy faster, they should pitch in a lot more and let the mom get some sleep! also, being very patient helps too!

Thanks again everyone for your help! 

So now Ive been just kinda giving in and acting like i want it just for him ! is that sad?  i just dont really feel the want to do it like i used to..

but hey at least hes happy now :) haha

 

Hey, I don't know if my experience/story is applicable here, but my "turnaround" in that dept. has been so profound, I thought I'd share.  This has happened to me several times in the past, and I've been suspicious, but this time I'm POSITIVE what the culprit has been for my total lack of any interest whatsoever, for a really long time, both before our kid and then even moreso after.

Hormonal birth control is the devil (for me).  I'm 33 and have been with my husband for 17 years total, first 2 years as friends, then dated exclusively for YEARS, engaged for a few years, and finally got married 5 years ago.  For the majority of that time, I have been positive something has been wrong with me.  Most of the time, I also made myself do it.  No interest, no energy, I mean like below zero.  For the few times during those years that I had to stop BC, I always noticed an increase in desire but, of course, couldn't do anything about it because I was off the pill and hubs doesn't trust other forms, incl. condoms (his brother's wife got pregnant when one broke).

Two months ago, I couldn't take the daily, all-day headaches any more and quit the pill.  Six weeks later, my headaches are totally gone, extreme fatigue to the point of constant exhaustion, backache, etc., are also totally gone, not to mention that hubs and I have had "alternative" sexual encounters 5 times in 2 weeks.  Would have been "traditional" encounters every time, but I'm waiting to get the nonhormal IUD first.  I have had mind-bending physical and emotional desire, like someone just flipped a switch.  Even when going to bed at the end of an 18-hour day of typical wife/mommy stuff, crazy 3YO at home, working from home, etc., and just generally tired, I still want it.   Our previous rate (since the birth of our 3YO) has been like 2 to 3 times per year TOPS, and I could have happily had a V8 rather than have sex all 5 of those times.   Our rate before the baby was once every 1 to 2 weeks, on average.  I did lots of "personal service" for hubs during the last 3 years in particular because he suffered neglect for far too long and was far more understanding of that than he had to be.

Anyway, I am forever pill-free.  I know there are side effects to the IUD, also, but unless they are unbearable, I cannot see not feeling that they are worth it to finally feel "normal" and uninhibited and be not only willing but eager.  Hubs is also happier (obviously) because he always thought it was a rejection or lack of interest in him and not the libido-killer that is the pill.  Now, he believes it, too.