Sexual Harassment - what to do?

Ok I realized as I was posting in the waitor/waitress thread, I get sexually harrassed a lot. More than average, I'd guess. But then again, is there really an average amount of harrassment?

I can't figure it out. I don't dress provocatively, I don't have an overly curvy or sexy body, I don't flirt. Actually, I joke with my guy friends all the time that I'm a terrible flirt and they agree. I'm friendly, I smile a lot, I make conversation easily. But I get harassed all the time! I get it at my job so much! Men that I'm waiting on will make comments about me or patronize me. It's very off putting. I was on a bus the other day and the man sitting next to me and I were politely talking (I'm 18, he was 27). All of the sudden about an hour into the 4 hour bus ride he tells me he finds me incredibly sexy and beautiful. I didn't know what to do!!

Men: what am I doing to spur on all this unwanted attention? 

Women: How do you react to these situations? Where is the line and what do you do when someone crosses it?

You cannot keep someone from telling you that you're sexy or beautiful.  If they are your boss or someone who holds authority over you at work, then you can report it as sexual harassment, but customers aren't the ones who pay your wages.  They do pay your tips, so you do have a difficult line to walk.  If you're too flirty, then they might tip better, but you'll have to deal with turning them down if they come on to you.  If you're just friendly, that usually works.  It probably depends a lot on the group dynamics of the table that you're waiting on.  Patronizing is something that you're likely to run into frequently, waitressing is viewed as an uneducated job and most of your diners will feel that they could do it as well or better than you do.

Men who make comments, you can tell them that your boyfriend also appreciates whatever feature they've mentioned (you don't have to have a boyfriend to do this).  You could buy a plain gold band (pawn shop?) and wear it on your ring finger as part of your work uniform, this will sometimes be a deterrent without having to say anything.  You can ignore them.  You can let them know that you're uncomfortable discussing personal subjects with clientele.  Whatever you do, you will want to be polite, particularly when dealing with returning customers.

Outside of work, you'll get it too.  27 vs 18, just say that you hope you'll be able to find such a nice man when you get to that age...never hurts to emphasize the age.  You can play the boyfriend card.  I usually just laugh like they've made a joke and thank them for whatever compliment and tell them they are soooo sweet.

I've had some patients, nurses, even doctors cross the line with me.  I know they feel they're innocently playing around and flirting, but that doesn't roll with me.  I've had a patient grab my chest, smack my ass, and reach for my ****. 

As much as I'd love to take my frustration out on the patient, I can't because they could claim I'm an abusive caretaker.  With them I'll guide their roaming hands back to themselves, telling them only my husband gets that far.  Some patients are so heavily medicated they really don't understand what they're doing.  That's when it's really difficult and I'll call in a nurse to distract the patient.

As for the doctor who patted my ass in an elevator, I told him off after everyone else got out of the elevator.  He said it slipped and he meant nothing by it, and I told him it was convenient that his hand slipped right where my ass cheek was, and I'm short, he's tall, he had to have reached down to pinch it.  How dare you do that in a professional setting?  I'm still waiting to see the bugger so I can staple a copy of the sexual harassment policy to his lab coat.

The nurses who went a little too far, I usually only have to tell them once not to treat me that way.  I don't appreciate you sneaking up behind me and rubbing my shoulders, tickling my neck, or tugging at the strings of my scrub top.  You can give me cookies and graham crackers, but no touchy-feely, okay?

I don't try to dress sexy at work.  I wear scrubs.  Big ol' frumpy scrubs.  I won't wear necklaces to draw attention to my "plunging" v-neck, I won't wear my hair any way fancy.  It's either up or down.  No barettes or headbands or sexy updo's.  And I keep makeup to a minimum because I sweat, and drooling mascara is not hot.  I know I'm short and cute and I look fun to flirt with, but seriously guys, it's not happening.  Talk to me about hockey.  Talk to me about your love of philly cheesesteaks.  Hell, talk to me about how Canadian beer is frickin' awesome.  But do not, under any circumstances, flirt with me at work or try to hit on me because I will shoot you down.

You know, you don't have to kill their confidence.  Just let them know there's a time and a place for that sort of thing, and where I work is definitely not that place.

trauma, brb

I did not mean to imply that you should put up with being harrassed, just to mention your polite options.  I'm assuming that at work you don't want to cause a ruckus, but if they do get inappropriate you should feel free to tell them that.

Lafoutloud... if you're sick of being called sexy and beautiful, you should do bodily injury unto yourself. You should go poke out an eyeball or slash your face or something. Perhaps a self-masectomy. That's a good one.

Oh wait, are you taking me seriously? ;p

Seems to me that chances are one of two things.. either he was coming on to you (which is possible) or he was just trying to give you an innocent compliment because he DID find you sexy and attractive. Maybe even because he used the words "Sexy" and "Attractive", it's even more likely he was coming on to you..

But gods... I understand if it's unwanted, but is the compliment really crossing the line? I don't know where you put YOUR line, but it sounds like you can't even handle a compliment, even if it was unwanted (And is "You're Very Sexy and Attractive" anything else besides a compliment?)

Let it flow off you like water off a duck's back. Move on with your life.

But hey, I'm the guy. Thus, I'm totally wrong about Sexual Harassment. I'm sure trustwomen or pgeorgian will be in any time now to tell me so.

Just telling someone they're sexy and beautiful is not harassment... it's a compliment. Maybe not one you asked for, but by itself it's not harassing. For it to be harrassment he'd have to follow up with something directly sexual, or keep up the commentary after you asked him to stop.

Original Post by kajikit:

Just telling someone they're sexy and beautiful is not harassment... it's a compliment. Maybe not one you asked for, but by itself it's not harassing. For it to be harrassment he'd have to follow up with something directly sexual, or keep up the commentary after you asked him to stop.

Actually, you're wrong.

On a business level, at least. (trying to stay somewhat on topic here.)

It's not fair. And it's totally garbage, but if you go to a coworker and give them an unwanted compliment, it can be construed as sexual harassment.

In a non-work social setting, though.. no, I think the OP is being oversensitive and has to accept the fact that, as a woman, she's going to get some unwanted attention and learn how to roll with it instead of getting her panties all in a bunch. Especially because, and this is important OP, not everyone who gives you unwanted attention is trying to sexually harass you. Some may just be trying to offer a compliment.

I'm sure it's not the PC answer, but I still think it's the right one.

Two words:  Carry mace.

Oh, and, by the way, you're beautiful.

:D

Original Post by dnrothx:

Two words:  Carry mace.

That should make you popular with the customers.

Wonder how long til she'd get fired.

Are you sure it is really harassment or just attention? I am just asking because a lot of men are friendly, complimentary (even sexually), like to joke around and are not trying (or don't think they are) to be inappropriate but you maybe taking it that way or just not used to that kind of attention and it is making you uncomfortable.  I also work in a restaurant. It is a very expensive high end place and most of the men who come in their are with their wives, family, friends and are not going to sexually come on to anyone in there in front of these people but occasionally some make remarks but I just smile and don't give them any extra attention for it or say anything to encourage them to say or do more.

To me (male) sexual harassment is when a man inappropriately is giving unwanted sexual attention and has been made aware that the woman is not comfortable with it and they still keep doing it....like over an inappropriate period of time. I think men will generally flirt and they are mostly harmless even the idiots who just don't know when they have crossed the line.

Definitely touching inappropriate I would not tolerate but you have to decide what is inappropriate to you. Use your instinct. A woman knows when a man is just friendly touching (like telling you are doing a good job and a pat on the back) or if he is making a sexual move.

As far as dressing I think men are more attractive to a female NOT dressed provocative than one who is. Their are so many young girls and woman dressing so inappropriate and it is beginning to be a turn off for the decent men out there because they look desperate for attention even if that is not what they are trying to give off. A lot of men will say a woman looks the sexiest in a t-shirt and jeans. Because of all the woman out their who love and gladly accept all the sexual attention from men they make it uncomfortable for those woman who don't want any of that.

I would just be careful how you accept attention you receive and are not comfortable with.  Any kind of friendliness some men can interpret as a cue that you want the attention or more of it. I understand you need to be friendly to all guests in a restaurant but in a professional manner. Depending on the type of restaurant you work in playing their sexual game make help you get tipped better but if that is not how you want to make money and are not comfortable then I would find a restaurant that doesn't condone sexuality for more business. Their are always going to be those men that take any woman being friendly and think it is acceptable to be inappropriate. If you are not comfortable and if it gets out of hand report it to someone.

Original Post by hkellick:

Original Post by dnrothx:

Two words:  Carry mace.

That should make you popular with the customers.

Wonder how long til she'd get fired.

 Seems to me she's more concerned about the harassment than keeping her job. :D

These comments are infuriating!  If it's unwanted, it's not a compliment, it's harrassment.  Period.  I'm sorry if that offends you, but by trying to justify lafoutloud's distress as "Oh, he's just paying you a compliment" really irks me.  She said she's upset by it--and that should be all that matters.  Stop blaming the victim.

I would tell whomever is harrassing you that their comments are unwanted (or that they make you feel uncomfortable).  Talk to your boss or manager--it's their legal responsibility to handle harrassment issues.  And if you can, get away from the person.

Sexual Harassment is any thing that the person who any type of comments or actions makes said person uncomfortable. It can be something as simple as an overheard joke between two other employees. Check with HR you'll get the same answer. Other forms of harassment can be as simple as piped in music over the Musac system.

As for the customers making you feel uncomfortable. It is the employers job to make sure you do not feel harassed. I managed in restaurants for years, in lower and upper management. We had workshops on harassment all the time. Now I wouldn't make a huge deal out of a customer just complimenting you, but it is your choice. If they cross the line with you and are frequent customers who do it all the time it is up to your boss to handle it. You could get into a situation you don't want to be in legally but it is your right and the law is on your side.

As for the bus ride and people in general I don't have any advice for you. Maybe stop showering. LOL

Original Post by emer13:

These comments are infuriating!  If it's unwanted, it's not a compliment, it's harrassment.  Period.  I'm sorry if that offends you, but by trying to justify lafoutloud's distress as "Oh, he's just paying you a compliment" really irks me.  She said she's upset by it--and that should be all that matters.  Stop blaming the victim.

What victim? You make this sound like it's a crime.

Hey emer13.. you look good in that picture. Oh wait, sorry, am I making you a victim?

Original Post by hkellick:

Original Post by emer13:

These comments are infuriating!  If it's unwanted, it's not a compliment, it's harrassment.  Period.  I'm sorry if that offends you, but by trying to justify lafoutloud's distress as "Oh, he's just paying you a compliment" really irks me.  She said she's upset by it--and that should be all that matters.  Stop blaming the victim.

What victim? You make this sound like it's a crime.

Hey emer13.. you look good in that picture. Oh wait, sorry, am I making you a victim?

actually if it is at work and the boss does nothing about it after she complains it is. It's sticky in the court system but she does have a case however transparent.

OK, the problem here is that, legally, at least in the work place r4e is more right than not.. and it's pure horse ****. It's TOO Open-ended.

If two guys are telling their joke and Nosey Nancy is listening in (as she's wont to do) and the guys, talking amongst themselves, say something that offends Nancy she can HR and go "Whiiiine. Joe and Larry were joking and it REALLY offended me." And they'll get written up.

And that's what's horse ****.

You know what else is horse ****? It's the fact that women can make comments about guys and because guys AREN'T, in general, as sensitive to these things, they let it flow off their back and no worries. Make something so much as an attempt at a compliment towards Sensitive Susie, though, and THAT'S Sexual Harassment.

Honestly, the whole thing is Bull. And the fact that MOST guys will tell you they agree with me suggests that this sustem, this WAY too open ended system needs to be replaced with something a little bit more.. fair.

PS.. If I were a guy and I made too much fuss about my workmates to HR, HR would let me go. Heaven help if I made a big fuss about the customers.. that'd be assured to get me fired. You sure that doesn't apply to you girls? I bet it does.

Original Post by r4eboxer:

Original Post by hkellick:

Original Post by emer13:

These comments are infuriating!  If it's unwanted, it's not a compliment, it's harrassment.  Period.  I'm sorry if that offends you, but by trying to justify lafoutloud's distress as "Oh, he's just paying you a compliment" really irks me.  She said she's upset by it--and that should be all that matters.  Stop blaming the victim.

What victim? You make this sound like it's a crime.

Hey emer13.. you look good in that picture. Oh wait, sorry, am I making you a victim?

actually if it is at work and the boss does nothing about it after she complains it is. It's sticky in the court system but she does have a case however transparent.

Legally, I agree. It's still Horse ****.

Original Post by hkellick:

You know what else is horse ****? It's the fact that women can make comments about guys and because guys AREN'T as sensitive, they let it flow off their back and no worries. Make something so much as an attempt at a compliment towards Sensitive Susie, though, and THAT'S Sexual Harassment.

I was assured by HR that sexual harrassment cuts both ways equally in my workplace.  Of course, in practice, who knows.

Interestingly, there are guys here that I think should get nailed for sexual harassment that don't, and guys that I don't think deserve to get nailed that do.

Life isn't fair.

Ok ok, let me clarify things.

The bus situation I felt uncomfortable because I am a young girl in close proximity with a man much older than me who told me I was sexy. I'm not saying he was harassing me, necessarily, but I felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle it.

At my job, I'm not complaining about the customers who call me "cutie" or tell me I have nice eyes. I'm complaining about the customers who touch my butt. Or these two men who called me over a couple days ago when I wasn't doing anything, dropped a fork on the floor and told me to bend over to pick it up. I think that qualifies as harassment, no?

This is going to sound horrible....but get used to it. That's just how a lot of guys treat a lot of girls. At least in my experience.

When it comes to a guy grabbing you, I agree with the mace suggestion.

Original Post by lafoutloud01:

I think that qualifies as harassment, no?

Definitely.

My misunderstand. Please excuse me.

I would do two things.

The first is to discuss this with your manager. See if he or she has suggestions on how to get out of this. Explain to him you aren't looking to cause problems but this bothers you.

The advantage of doing this is that you get to know his or her attitudes. If he or she is also just "get over it", it may be time to move on. If he or she is more sympathetic, you might be able to make the job work.

The second if to see if, talking to the manager, things get better. If not, time to move on and find someplace a little less.. difficult to work for.