Share A Joke!

The lounge has been pretty intense and dramarific lately.

This is just a silly thread to share a joke in.

Joke the First: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Do you know the difference between golf and sky diving?

In golf it's whack..., "dang!"

In sky diving it's "dang!"..., whack.

Why Sentence Structure is so Important.......

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like ****.'

Grasshopper hops into a bar, up onto a stool, and orders a beer.

Bartender stares for a second and says, "Holy cow!  We have a drink named after you!"

Puzzled, the grasshopper replies, "Really????  You have a drink named Steve?"

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Damn!

A leprechan walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender gives him the beer and says "That'll be $3.00."  The leprechan immediately chugs the beer, leaves $2.75 on the bar and starts to walks out. 

The bartender says "Hey, you're a little short!"

What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back?

...

Weeeeeee!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Q.: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A.: Wiped his butt.

irish jokes lol

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins
to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be
praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a
minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next
child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey,
Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you
think it's the light that's attracting them?"

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishman.

a blonde lady was driving too fast so a blonde police lady stopped her and asked,"can i please see ur driving lisence?" the blond driver rummaged through her purse for a long time as she wasn't sure of wat a driving liscence was. the blonde police officer said impatiently,"it's rectangle and has ur picture on it! the blond driver fished out a rectangular mirror from her purse,looked at it,and handedit to the blonde police officer the blonde police officer said,"oh,im sorry,i didn't know u were a police officer as well"

a blonde lost a breast stroke swimming competition..she learned later that the other competitors cheated,they used their arms

life is a joke!

I thought life was a cabaret?

Original Post by splitrail:

I thought life was a cabaret?

 my ex-flatmate loved that movie so much she put me off it.

life is filled with jokers then?

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Mildred was being recognized in church on her ninety-eighth birthday.  The pastor asked her if she would like to say a few words.  Mildred rose and spoke of how thankful she was to have lived such a long, healthy, productive life and how she was very greatful not to have any enemies.  The pastor asked her how she had managed to make it to the ripe old age of ninety-eight without any enemies?  Mildred smiled and said, "I outlived the b***hes!"

(Or something like that.  I'm not very good at telling jokes!)

Original Post by floggingsully:

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

 

Damn!

 WRONG WRONG WRONG.

It's "Dam!"

edit: It's my favorite joke XD

I can only think of a handful of really dirty and inappropriate jokes, and a couple that are just mean.

Original Post by happyfish22:

I can only think of a handful of really dirty and inappropriate jokes, and a couple that are just mean.

ooo do share!

A woman says to her husband, "The lights in the basement aren't working, can you fix them?"

The husband says crossly, "What do I look like, an electrician?" and storms out. He comes home later that day and the broken lights are now working. He asks his wife how that happened.

She says "The neighbor said he would fix them for either a cake or a sexual favor."

The man says "Oh, well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

And the woman replies "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

What's green and flies?

...

...

...

A super pickle!