Is He/She The One?
As an observer of this forum over time, I have seen ALOT of questions. Usually something in the terms of: Help! (Relationship Issue) What do I do? It's enough to make a man bitter, sometimes, and cry for the sake of all these people who are in these unhappy, unhealthy relationships.
...
and then I saw this list. This is not my list, I saw it on a webpage and wanted to share.
So, for those of you who aren't sure, who think maybe they've got something but don't know. Not that you probably think this applies to you anyway.
Is He/She The One?
1. If you have to beg to be loved or have someone spend time with you, you have picked the wrong person.
2. If you have to beg to be treated well, you have picked the wrong person.
3. If you have to change yourself, you have picked the wrong person.
4. If you have to walk on eggshells, you have picked the wrong person.
5. If you have to physically defend yourself, you have picked the wrong person.
6. If your partner ever insults you on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, then you have picked the wrong person.
7. If YOU are not fully happy and satisfied with your relationship on a regular basis, then YOU have picked the wrong person.
We know each others embarrassing stories, deepest darkest secrets too.
I am 100% myself with him 100% of the time
I get on better with him than anyone else I have ever met in my whole life .....family included
We want the same things in life and have the same hopes and dreams
He makes me laugh, like really really laugh.
....I could go on all day!
I think my stars every day for this amazing person I have to spend the rest of my life with. i feel so connected to him and his family - never did I think this was possible to love someone so much it consumes you - It's the best feeling to fall in love over and over again each day with the same person you've been with for years!
I wonder if I can send my bitter, single brother a link to it without it seeming offensive...
i love these threads, makes me very optimistic about what's to come when i find the one :)
more please!
Great list HK. And very true. All of those points should be red flags if someone sees their relationship in them. I'd like to add a corollary to #3.
3a. If you want or expect your partner to change in order to be happy, you have picked the wrong person.
Original Post by trustwomen:
OMG, HK, I love that site!! Have been reading stuff on it for about 30 minutes so far. Thanks for sharing!
As a Once Bitter, Single Guy myself, I definitely appreciate this site. ;D
3. If you have to change yourself, you have picked the wrong person.
I have to argue a bit with this one. I know it's about only one person changing, and because the other person asked...But I think we're constantly changing ourselves, and I've changed a TON while I've been with my boyfriend, sometimes kicking and screaming (figuratively! Not literally), sometimes willingly.
I've looked back on it and I know all the changes I've made to help make the relationship work better have made me a better and more whole person, happier with life in general.
I don't think you should have to change your CORE, but changing habits and mindsets is sometimes a good thing.
You know.. I nearly changed the wording on that one. But... I think what he's trying to say is if you need to change FOR HIM, then you've picked the wrong person.
There's a huge difference between changing for yourself and changing for him. If you change because you want to better yourself, that's awesome. If you have to change to be with him... that's Bad.
Manage your own expectations. Are you mad at him/her because he/she has done something egregiously wrong or because he/she didn't do what you expected.
I also saw the change one as being about the other person telling or insinuating that you have to change. I didn't see it as a compromise type or thing or even learning your partners favorite sport or hobby.
I've never really been interested in learning golf. I don't like to watch it on TV, never will I'm sure. However, I'd like to learn golf so SO and I can go on outings and have something to do on the weekends when we don't have the kids. But he doesn't make me feel like if I don't learn golf that I'm inferior or that he'll leave me.
Just saw one of the crime mysteries last night where the woman forced herself to learn to scuba dive because her husband to be insisted their honeymoon had to be spent diving on the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Her diver instructors questioned her motivation to learn to scuba because she was so timid and nervous about diving. She told them she had no choice. If she wanted to get married in the fall, she had to learn to dive.
This is the type of behavior I thougt of for #3.
Original Post by hkellick:
You know.. I nearly changed the wording on that one. But... I think what he's trying to say is if you need to change FOR HIM, then you've picked the wrong person.
There's a huge difference between changing for yourself and changing for him. If you change because you want to better yourself, that's awesome. If you have to change to be with him... that's Bad.
I agree :) I've changed myself because I realized my own destructive behaviors weren't helping the relationship one bit, and been really pissy about having to change...Only to realize later on that I'm so much more happy and content with life AND the relationship now than I was earlier. :D
Kathy, along with what you said is something along the lines is your partner behaving in line with what you know to be true about them. I've seen many complain about their partners favorite activities and hobbies, but they knew those things were an integral part of their partner's life. Too many people expect their partner to give up friends, hobbies or activities after marriage.
Original Post by moonikins:
Kathy, along with what you said is something along the lines is your partner behaving in line with what you know to be true about them. I've seen many complain about their partners favorite activities and hobbies, but they knew those things were an integral part of their partner's life. Too many people expect their partner to give up friends, hobbies or activities after marriage.
When K and I first moved to Virginia, she HATED The fact that I'd spend hours upon hours playing video games. I'm a gamer, have been before she got in the picture, and don't feel the need to change.
We've tried a few strategies. For example, I agreed to poke my head out when going for bathroom breaks (so once every couple hours), or to learn to play games with her. And she's learned to just accept it, find ways to amuse herself and then we'll meet back up for dinner or something.
My point is.. you're right, relationships and marriage won't change everything. I know K (and I think alot of other women) expected that a relationship meant we'd do everything together, but we don't. We do alot of things together and some things separately and it's all good.
Original Post by moonikins:
I also saw the change one as being about the other person telling or insinuating that you have to change. I didn't see it as a compromise type or thing or even learning your partners favorite sport or hobby.
I've never really been interested in learning golf. I don't like to watch it on TV, never will I'm sure. However, I'd like to learn golf so SO and I can go on outings and have something to do on the weekends when we don't have the kids. But he doesn't make me feel like if I don't learn golf that I'm inferior or that he'll leave me.
My husband is into golf -- It doesn't appeal to me one single bit and he can go golf with his buddies whenever he feels like it - no problem.
For years I would never let him watch baseball - I thought it was the stupidest boring game to watch on tv then comes the 2001 world series and for some odd reason I started to watch it and OMG I got addicted come the next season I watched every game possible or at least listened to them on the radio - the next year I went to games with a girlfriend of mine. Hubby used to play ball but he doesn't like to go to games with me because I now know more about the game than him LOL..
I think making someone change isn't going to make either of you happy.
Original Post by hkellick:
Original Post by moonikins:
Kathy, along with what you said is something along the lines is your partner behaving in line with what you know to be true about them. I've seen many complain about their partners favorite activities and hobbies, but they knew those things were an integral part of their partner's life. Too many people expect their partner to give up friends, hobbies or activities after marriage.
When K and I first moved to Virginia, she HATED The fact that I'd spend hours upon hours playing video games. I'm a gamer, have been before she got in the picture, and don't feel the need to change.
We've tried a few strategies. For example, I agreed to poke my head out when going for bathroom breaks (so once every couple hours), or to learn to play games with her. And she's learned to just accept it, find ways to amuse herself and then we'll meet back up for dinner or something.
My point is.. you're right, relationships and marriage won't change everything. I know K (and I think alot of other women) expected that a relationship meant we'd do everything together, but we don't. We do alot of things together and some things separately and it's all good.
You don't think it's a good idea to play less? I don't think it's good to play hours upon hours (this coming from someone who used to and still does on occasion - now working on my computer obsession and getting other hobbies). Not saying you have to spend every waking hour together, but poking your head out every couple hours on a bathroom break until dinner - yikes, isn't that #1?
As for me, I said no to all of them until #7, because sometimes I feel like *something* is missing :/ - maybe what vanessa1031 has.
Original Post by vicereine:
You don't think it's a good idea to play less? I don't think it's good to play hours upon hours (this coming from someone who used to and still does on occasion - now working on my computer obsession and getting other hobbies). Not saying you have to spend every waking hour together, but poking your head out every couple hours on a bathroom break until dinner - yikes, isn't that #1?
*considers* I guess the question is... less than what?
If I were to guess, I would say I wasn't able to communicate my point as effectively as I'd like to, but also, that you're reading your own experiences and frustrations into my response.
To answer...
I am a Gamer. That's my hobby. I enjoy playing games for fun and relaxation. This is not something that will change no matter how much you (not you, specifically, but you in a general sense) may want it to. That's the acceptance part. You (again general) need to accept that I love playing video games, and decide whether or not you're comfortable with a guy who gets all excited about the latest Sims 2 expansion packs or whatever Wii game. If it's a deal breaker, get out. If it's not.. move forward.
Secondly, how much quality time do you expect to spend with your significant other? For K and I, we do some stuff separate, some stuff together. We dance together (taking lessons, and we might get comfortable enough soonish to actually try to go out and socially dance), which is totally date time. We see movies together. We watch TV and DVDs together. We SPEND TIME together. And we spend it apart. Game Time is my time.
Maybe it's just me (though I doubt that), but I really appreciate my independence. Even though I'm -> <- close to being married to K, there's still my time, her time and our time. My life, her life and our life. I don't think that's a bad thing. There are some things she loves to do, like Church Choir, which I don't get half the kick out of as she does. I support her being a part of it, though, because she loves it. So she goes, does it, has a great time, and I've allowed her to do that. Similarly, K allows me Game Time. She knows when the newest, shiniest, and coolest comes out. She knows because I Babble about it nonstop until the day of. ;D She knows that when I finally have it in my hot little hands, that I'll want to play it. The shininess of the game TYPICALLY lasts a week, maybe two. I spend my time doing the things that I want and, for us, it makes the time we DO spend together that much more special. Because none of us has sacrificed in any major way to spend that time together. She doesn't have to give up being her and doing the things she loves to spend time together with me, and nor do I.
So.. that's my answer. And why I say "No, #1 doesn't apply here." She doesn't beg to spend time with me at all.
haha allowed? Glad she has your permission....
