Sick of ED

Anorexia is such a B*tch! I'm sorry, this is kind of a rant.

I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I am at the point where I just want to throw in the towel on ED and live my life! I just can't seem to get past counting every last calorie, and not going over a certain number. I thought I seemed to be doing okay, but i've just really noticed that I'm not. ED is again ruling me! I'm scared beyond belief of just about everything. I still count religiously, have to have an even ratio of nutrients, have to have eating times, and lately (after slight;y increasing and having my thighs swell a little with water) I have restricted again, back to about 1250 more or less.

I really thought this time I had a grip on things, but in reality I don't. I still have all these behaviours, although I may not be starving myself with no more than 50 calories a day or compulsively exercising, I am still a part of this trap. and what frustrates me the most is that I CAN SEE IT!

I know I am underweight, yet I fail to want to gain anything as ED says 'you gained IP already this year, its all good, you're done with it, you don't need XXXX cals anymore, XXXX is finee'- which is basically 'you no longer have a BMI of 14 it's all okay, you aren't on your freaking death bed'. I physically feel alot better which is what is making me think this also although my BMI is 15.5

Im sorry, i can already predict what responses I am going to get, but I do realise I have a problem, I've had it for years. I can see how this affects me, which is what made me post. But i'm just not convinced I am in a bad state anymore. I feel like gaining from 14-15.5 is my 'recovery' over with. I don't know if anyone can relate to this sort of irrational thinking?! (I swear I'm crazy)

****This is such a frustrating read, thanks if you read and actually understood any of it. I know how annoying this sort of thing can be to read, but we all experience it & I HATE IT.****

I just needed to let this out.

Thanks x

you need to talk with a counselor that specializes in ED's and get the help you need to recover... i wish you all the best of luck in overcoming your ED

I just want to offer my support and let you know that you're not alone - I'm in a very similar place right now.  I've gained to a bmi of about 15 and feel "better" but I'm far from recovered.  It's soooo emotionally draining to deal with the constant voice in your head....the calorie counting, the obsessing over amounts, the compulsion to eat only at certain times of the day. It's even harded when we go from being motivated to change to ambivalent and hopeless within the period of a day or even an hour.   I think all we can do is start talking back to those voices a little bit at a time and reminding ourselves that ED is trying to hurt us, not help us. 

Thanks so much for your response.

With gthe state of mind thing- I hate that! waking up thinking today will be great, to making it through to lunch or even morning tea and wanting to give up.

ED doesn't even let me have a full day at school, because i 'must' be home for lunch so I can toast my sandwich. It's such a joke. A constant battle.

i think its the fact that I feel bigger than what I did at the start of the year, and I can now do things, so ED tries to say it's enough, when my rational side knows better.

good luck with your recovery, ksrunner, im with you!

When something is affecting your ability to lead a normal life this fundamentally you need to get some professional help rather than trying to go it alone.   Whoever it was treated when you were at the death-bed BMI 14 stage.... go back to them because you're not in a much better place now and you're clearly struggling.

As you probably already know.... lack of nourishment affects the thought processes just as badly as it affects the body physically.  A starved brain is more likely to be irrational than one that isn't starved and the self-preservation instinct is severely weakened.   That's the vicious circle of the eating disorder which is so difficult to escape from.

So do go back to your doctors, your therapists or even just your family in the first instance.  If you hate it but feel incapable of doing something to change matters, let others support you and give you the tools to do so.  You can't stay as you are.

OMG! i can totally relate to you today. I woke up feeling ok, and I have been doing really well for the past week. I have also got my BMI from 14 to 15, and while I know I am not recovered, today I am just SOOOOO fed up, the reality of my ED and its effects are always apparent to me but some days more apparent than others, and today is one of those days. I want to run away, hide, give up, Im confused, irritated, lonely, I want a hug from my dad but I want to tell him to $%&* off at the same time. I am so erratic!, I know part of this is to do with my low weight, and thats even more frustrating.

I want the day to be over and for it to be tommorow. Whats REALLY annoying is-i know I want to get better, so I feel like I HAVE to fight this. I know this sounds terrible, but in my ED days,when I didnt want to get better, feeling any emotion like this sad one-who would I turn to?-thats right-restriction or exercise, but knowing that that is part of the problem-im now like-what the hell do I do now?! Grrrrr!!

One piece of advice my mum once gave me was. If your having a bad day or time, accept it, dont try and fight it, accept it. It WILL pass.I know this is frustrating but once you allow yourself to accept this, that you dont need to be and cant be perfect, you cant beat all your ED at once and that everyone has bad days-then its like a hige weight is lifted from your shoulders. 

Gosh-even writing that for me has helped. Hope it helps you too. And just focus on today, and relax.  

"Always look on the bright side of life"

Thanks for much driven, its so nice to know im no alone!

I just want to live a life without worry, with a healthy slim body and be able to eat out, go out, not eat something without looking it up first etc. I think ED has tried to blind me of this being an actual problem, but slowly I am starting to notice that it is such a problem in my life & interferes with everything. It's another way of restriction. Although it may not be under XX calories for a day, it has turned into this control with what i DO take in now (which is still wayyyy too low, but i just CANT increase).

The erratic moods! It's horrible! And emotion...I hid all my emotions, I was numb to life itself, didn't feel anything,physically or emotionally.

I cannot focus on my school work again. when I came back from IP, school seemed okay, I was coping. Now I'm just setting all assignments aside, thinking i'll do it later, and not even going to school because ED interferes.

GIJANE- the doctors i was working with now have NOTHING to do with me. A quite frankly, I dont care, because they were HORRIBLE. The way they worked with patients was irrational and unsuccessful. they were also 5 hours away from home, which is where I was IP, and why I discharged early (medical abuse too) but because not having ANYONE and being so isolated and far away from my loved ones, sent me spiralling downwards, and into depression, and further into ED's web, whilst IP.

I do accept help from my mum. But I feel she has not given up on me, but trusting me, becuse she thinks I eat enough, and has no clue with calories.

What I want, is to find MY OWN strength and pull myself together. It's just needed to realise this is as bad as it actually is, because right now, it doesn't seem so bad because it is different to how it has been in the past, so I'm finding it hard to seeany problems. i don't know if this is my brain (which i'm not sure is malnourished or not because I eat).

Thanks again.

I can absolutely relate. I've wished on multiple occasions that anorexia was a person or object that I could just beat senseless. It ruined many parts of my life and left things unfixable (not pertaining to my health, thank god). I definitely think you should talk to a professional. It helped me clear my mind and put me in the right place. It doesn't necessarily even have to be a doctor or someone who specializes in EDs. Just a professional who can listen to you and offer to help.

In the end it all comes down to you, and I can tell you want very badly to change things, now you just have to reach inside yourself to do it. I personally think a good place to start would be by making a pro/con list of your ED. A realistic one. There is no doubt that the Cons would outweigh the Pros. (or you could make a pro/con list of recovering for good).

*raises hand* Join the club. I've gone from a BMI of 12 to a BMI of 15.5 but it's so hard knowing I have such a long way to go! Ughhh. I'm so sick of anorexia! And on a physical level I am definitely doing what I need to do to gain weight and get back to health... But the mental side is torture. I don't understand how I can look in the mirror, knowing that I am underweight, and see a normal/slightly chubs girl staring back at me. It's so twisted.

Sorry, just needed to have a rant. Hmm. I feel the need for a project. Let's start something... something that will help us see ourselves for how we really are. I love the whole www.operationbeautiful.com thing that's going on in the blog-world at the moment... V. inspiring.

But the trouble is.. and maybe this is really cynical and mean, but recently I've seen a lot of people who haven't seen me since I was a BMI of 12/13 and they've said to me 'You look beautiful, you have such a great figure.' And I think... 'Thanks?' I know they mean it in the nicest possible way, but aside from the whole 'anorexia thinks beautiful = euphemism for fat' mentality, it makes me think 'So I'm going to look too big when I get to a healthy BMI?' If I look 'great' now... ?

I just want to not care. I really do, yet it's so ingrained in me after 5 years of suffering this stupid disease.. Poo on a plate.

"ED doesn't even let me have a full day at school, because i 'must' be home for lunch so I can toast my sandwich. It's such a joke. A constant battle"

you need to take some responsibility for the disease. if you want to have a full day at school and have your lunch at school. then do it. there is no disease or other cause driving you home to eat lunch there. you are the only person who makes that decision to go home.

you have lots of choices here. initially they may provoke anxiety by doing the opposite of what an eating disordered mind says, but the more you do them - the easier the anxiety becomes.

nothing is forcing these behaviours only you. if you them to stop, stop them

I understand as I often live in the I'm "better" then before. "Better" though is not enough with an ed. It can still kill or destroy you. Try to remind yourself of the facts when the ed voice comes in. Every time the ed wants to restrict remind yourself of what a normal bmi is and how the ed takes away so much like you stated. When you got out of inpatient did you set up an outpatient team? I have had an ed for so many years on and off. This time in recovery at first I was pushed into it from family but now have taken ownership and am showing myself and family I can do it. Does it create anxiety? Yes it does but my life with the ed was anxious too and this hopefully will give me some life. My goal is to reach my set point and then remain healthy. I have always in the past tried to control my weight and I think that was part of why I never stayed recovered. Now that you know you are restricting because 1250 is can you increase again back to the mp for weight gain?

Thanks so much for reassuring me I am not alone in this!

I guess I just find it hard to put things into perspective sometimes because ED likes to be overpowereing, but I have to push past that.

abbi, when I left IP, I discharged early due to medical abuse & going downhill, so no, I wasn't sent out with a mp, supervision, outpatient, or anything, I was on my own, which is what has led me to here.

I know that I am not better, and increasing seems so difficult, but rationally, I know it needs to be done. It's the number that scares me, Because I plan my own meals, making myself actually do something, can be really hard, as im sure you all know.

Thanks.