Single Parents, dating, and the kids...please give your opinion ..Hot Topic sorry so long.

I am looking for honest opinions on this particular situation.

I myself am a divorced mother. I dated a man for 7 years and my daughter really liked him at first but in the last couple years he started treating me badly and though I never shared it with her she picked up on it. One day she came to me and said I don't like him at all Mom and I think you could find someone better. Hearing it from her made me look at our relationship and realize I was with the wrong guy and that when I met the right guy not only would I know but so would she. I left him and never looked back and we have never been happier. While I am not in a relationship right now I know that her opinion is very important to me (She is 12 by the way).

I have a very good friend who we'll call Angela, her daughter who we'll call Lauren, is like a second daughter to me. I love my friend Angela but she isn't well known for making the brightest choices throughout her life (she is 34 now). 4 years ago Lauren woke up one morning to find a strange guy on the couch. That day Angela told her that this guy was going to live with them. It has been 4 years now. Angela is engaged to this guy.

A bit of background on the guy who we'll call Bob. Bob is today 25 when he came into Angela's home 4 years ago was not only homeless but he was a drug addict who was in trouble with the law for robbing a Burger King for $400 dollars. Yes I know sheer brilliance. Since then he has gone through the legal system and just got off probation for that mess. He has spent much of his time jobless with Angela supporting him. He has in the past few months been working 2 jobs and pitching in. He has stolen Angela's credit cards over the past 4 years at various times. They fight constantly and Lauren HATES him, she is 15 now. Recently Angela and Bob broke up, Lauren was THRILLED as were the rest of us! Lauren told her how much she hated Bob and was on a cloud that it was just her and her Mom again. Within 2 days Angela started seeing him on the sly. The whole time telling Lauren she wasn't seeing him. Within a week she told Lauren she was back with him and that he was moving back in. Lauren lost it and told her Mom she didn't want him there that he was bad to Angela and had stolen from her and she didn't want him back in the house. Angela told Lauren she was being selfish and that whether she liked it or not Bob was coming back. Lauren is devastated.

The question is, when your child expresses dislike for someone their parent is dating, should the parent leave that person or tell the child to deal with it?

My personal opinion is that my friend Angela is missing a screw and that you should put your children first and listen to their opinion about significant others always. if it had been me this guy would have been gone the second my daughter expressed dislike for him. I am not saying that a parent should live at the mercy of their child and never be happy or have a life of their own. I date and the few men that I have brought home to meet my daughter I value her opinion. Sometimes she loves the guy, sometime she doesn't but I always take her opinion into account. I the situation of Lauren and Angela, the red flags have been thrown several times over the past 4 years. What do all you think?

Come on no one has an opinion!?!

As always it's a dependent situation.  Even without the child the guy is clearly a deadbeat and a thief, who wants or needs that?  (Apparently Angela)

In some cases there is nothing wrong with a potential significant other and the child is jealous or trying to maintain control.  In other cases the kid is absolutely correct. 

I'd have to say that it's worth listening to the kid's opinion and reevaluating if it's negative.

if my mom had listened to me in the first place she would have realized her now ex husband was a lying, cheating, drunk. 

I don't think your kids should make the whole basis of your decision, but i feel they have less clouded judgment and tend to see/take things at face value, rather than trying to read between the lines, when in most cases there's nothing to read.

Original Post by belladonna1026:

The question is, when your child expresses dislike for someone their parent is dating, should the parent leave that person or tell the child to deal with it?

Well, I don't have personal experience with this, but from the description of the situation, there seems to be more problems with that mother/daughter relationship than just a disagreement over a boyfriend.  There is an obvious lack of respect and trust there.

As for answering the question, it would really depend on the nature of why my children didn't like the guy.  If it was because they were being possessive of me, I would try to resolve the issue, but if there was a real clash, if the guy could not possibly have a constructive relationship with them, I would feel the need to put my kids first.

I would have tovagree to a certain degree it's dependent.

If my child didn't like someone because she wanted me all to her self and did not have a good reason for her distaste that would be one thing because if the person were a really good guy that is something that could possibly be worked out. But this guy is pond scum and I find her behavior selfish she herself has admitted that he has leached off of her and stolen from her. She kicked him out and had the locks changed and is now planning to let him back in and give him a key.

To not even consider your child's opinion and the reasons for their opinion is just plain wrong.

I suppose I was hoping someone may have a similar situation which had a happy ending. Unfortunately I think I am gonna see my friend on the 11 o'clock news.

Original Post by santonacci:

Original Post by belladonna1026:

The question is, when your child expresses dislike for someone their parent is dating, should the parent leave that person or tell the child to deal with it?

 

If it was because they were being possessive of me, I would try to resolve the issue, but if there was a real clash, if the guy could not possibly have a constructive relationship with them, I would feel the need to put my kids first.

That is exactly what I think. In my personal situation with the guy I was seeing she didn't like him because she said he was lying to me....she was right! When she told me her eason I thought it over and realized he in fact had been lying to me about many things.

Children can be so perceptive when we are clouded with emotion.

This guy that my friend Angela is with however is straight out of a nightmare.

Granted, Lauren does not trust her mother because she has brought home a string of losers. Her exact comment to me was that her Mom has always been a slut however she does love her Mom and wants to see her with a nice guy. Just not this guy.

ahhhh this is right up my alley.....

My mom married a man that I really really disliked for years. My mom knew none of us kids really liked him, but he's not a bad man, and she stayed with him. we have all grown to love him, think of him as a father, and I'm glad my mom held her ground.

However....I have a 7 yo, and am dating a man.......we are trying to decide whether or not to move in together. He has a child as well. In fact, I just posted in my private journal about how I'm deciding....all my cc friends who've replied so far have said that I need to make sure it's not just a good move for me, but for my daughter as well. And my daughter and I are so close, that my happiness generally IS her happiness and vice versa. if she opposed it at all, I would def sit her down and talk to her about her reasons why!!

If she didn't want to move just cuz she didn't want to move, or if she doesn't want to live w him just cuz she wants me to herself, well, then that isn't quite reasonable....and I'd have to explain why. But if she said that she really feels like he's a bad guy, or would be SCARED (above and beyond being scared of the 'unknown') to live w him, then I wouldn't do it.

Although they are kids, and I still sort of like the old 'children should be seen and not heard', it's their home as well and they should feel safe and loved in that home. I would be horrified if my daughter didnt.

The thing is, though.....my mom explained it so well to me one day when we were talking about why she never left her husband.....the thing is, is that our children are our children....they are their own people and will grow up to move out and have lives of their own....if you truly love someone (and they clearly arent a scumbag like your friend) how would you give that up knowing that one day you'll be on your own? You love your kids in a very special way and nothing breaks that love....but we are people that are meant for companionship, and once the kids are gone and grown, what's left? The person you love as a lover and companion.

So I think you did a good thing leaving, knowing that the guy wasn't a right fit, and it's great that you listen and care what your daughter thinks. And obviously your friend has major issues....if my daughter didn't like my guy, then i'd have to find out the reasons before deciding to stay or go.....

It's really not a smart idea to bring someone like that into your life in any way when you have a child living at home. It's not a smart idea to have that kind of person in your life whatsoever. Her daughter has a good head on her shoulders and *Angela* should listen to her. She's already on a bumpy road.

I had a young daughter and met a man and we got married within 6 months. My daughter has grown to love him but clearly when we fight she protects me.

I think children should have some voice but not THE VOICE in this particular subject. But, having said that, it does seem like the Mom does not have the best ability to make logical decisions or judgments. And the child is 15 years old. So, I would give this opinion a little more weight.

Good Luck, sad story.

I agree 100% with you cawilder!

This was really never about my story it is about my friend. I know I made the right decision with the guy I was with. My daughter saw what he was before I did and I realized she was right. After he and I split h ewnt on to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was VERY happy he was gone.

I am worried about Lauren alot though, she wants to come and live with me and I'm afraid she'll run once this guy moves back in. But I know I am not in a position legally to take her.

It is tough but I'd say the child's opinion is worth taking into consideration since the child will be affected by the decision but you also have to evaulate the child's reasoning for not liking the man since in some cases it could be a possessiveness/jealousy thing on the child's part.

I think in a normal case a child's opinion should always be taken into account.  I married my husband when my first son was 4 years old.  They have a semi-rocky relationship and sometimes my son doesn't like him but that's because he isn't focused on al the fun times they have.  they bond alot but when it's rough it's rough.  So, in my case, I wouldn't leave my husband if my son said he wanted me to.

In your friends case, however, the biggest problem is "Angela" listening or paying attention to what's HAPPENING!  Even if "Lauren" never stated her opinion the mere facts & actions of "Bob" are enough to chuck him out the door straight into a police car!  I understand some single women needing a companion around when they have kids.  But, choose wisely!!!  Be a PROUD single mother who won't let ANYONE mess up their kid or their lives.  "Lauren" is looking for a role model to teach her how to form healthy romantic relationships.  Does "Angela" really want her daughter to grow up thinking that this is the kind of man she should settle down with & raise kids?

Good luck with your friend and kudos to you for being smart in your dating.  our kids come first :O)