Sister Getting ED? My Fault.

I really dont know what to do right now.

I am completely shaken. I have had an ED for a few years now, and am currently underweight & very controlling of food etc. all the 'anorexic' things...anyway, tonight I heard my younger sister (I am 17 she is 14) in the bathroom, coughing, so I went & listened at the door, and I couldve sworn she was vomiting.

Now this has always been my very worst nightmare. Her being affected by me. I have influenced her & now ruined her life, this is all my fault. I always feared this would happen. I know there is nothing I can say to her, because if I approach her she will say no and throw it in my face, and if I leave it she will think no one is noticing and keep doing it.

I feel as though there is too much of a focus on food, body image etc. in the house, (being only her, I & mum), and this is ALL because of me, and my stupid ED. Now I am just an even bigger burden than I already was...

She is going through that rough 'teenage' stage where nothing mum or I, do or say, is right, and we don't know anything. I have always been like the second mum as we don't have anything to do with our father, and my heart is broken. I can't face what I have done. I cannot handle it. I adore her more than anything in the world and she thinks I dont care. Mum & I are very close, because I have respect towards her, whereas my sister is extremely, (and i mean to the extremes) disrespectful to mum & wonders why Mum and I get along so well and her & Mum always fight. Ive tried explaining this to her, but it gores in one ear & out the other....

I am so helpless. I cannot believe this is happening. If I didnt cause so many issus, this wouldnt happen. She would be able to be happy, and not worry about her anorexic sister!! Now Ive affected the way she views her gorgeous curves & amazing figure. I wish the family would pay more attention to her, and not on me because of my ED. I hate being a burden.

Im sorry if nobody can respond to this. I am just completely numb. Thiss is the ultimate worst I guess...

I don't know why no one has commented on this. But what I do know is that this is not your fault so do not blame yourself. Your sister is in charge of her own actions and choices. It's not like you told her to go into the bathroom and throw up her dinner.  I think you should talk to your mother about your suspisons about your sister. Or, you should sit your sister down and talk to her alone. MAKE her listen. lock her in a room with you or something. i really am not sure what to say...

Just know that this isn't you fault...

Good luck to you & your family!

My first thought when I read this: You recovering would set the ultimate example. No matter what anyone tells you, you're not going to be able to help blaming yourself if you do infact think this is somehow your fault. So take the incentive. I can see you really care about your sister and this is an excellent incentive for recovery. 

We all strive to make a difference...contribute to something biggger than ourselves. Here's your chance. Show her that you are strong, you care, you want to be healthy, you want to live and living with ED is no way to live. Set the example. It's the best thing you can do. 

Original Post by kittysly101:

My first thought when I read this: You recovering would set the ultimate example. No matter what anyone tells you, you're not going to be able to help blaming yourself if you do infact think this is somehow your fault. So take the incentive. I can see you really care about your sister and this is an excellent incentive for recovery. 

We all strive to make a difference...contribute to something biggger than ourselves. Here's your chance. Show her that you are strong, you care, you want to be healthy, you want to live and living with ED is no way to live. Set the example. It's the best thing you can do. 

Also, if you not wishingt this on others isnt the biggest reason to recover then i dont know what will be. Your right when you say that this is not a way to live and i agree that the more you work to recover the more your going to help your sister.

As per talking to your sis about things i would say, dont call her out or anything but pull her aside and tell her about your recovery and how the thought of it on anyone was so detestable that you are gonna go balls to the wall to recover. Who knows, she may even come out and tell you what shes been doing and if that is the case then you can both get back on track together. Which would be awesome towards both of your recoveries. Go get 'em dear... you got this.

make sure your sister knows how much you envy her curves and that you're trying to look like her. my thoughts are that she really looks up to you and you telling her something like that might make a difference. If it doesn't just know that this isn't your fault, you're doing what you can to recover. Everyone has their own demons. Especially her being 14, You must remember all the different emotions highs and lows that come with that age. Maybe she's rebelling against your Mom because her life feels out of control. Maybe she feels the only control she does have is over food. Workout a plan with your Mom of how you're going to bring it up, but don't ambush her and make it you two against her. It might backfire and push her closer to the edge. Good luck.

It's not your fault, she could have developed any kind of issue without your influence. Even though she may react badly I still think you should approach her as soon as possible about this, before it gets out of hand and definitely get your mum involved and figure out a plan with her before you approach your sister.

She's bound to get angry especially being a teenager, we've all been there and I'm sure most of us can agree we were rather awkward and against anything most people said.

Make sure she knows she's already perfect the way she is and that you love her and would never want to see her hurt. Maybe even write a list with her about all the good things about her, again something for all of you to do and not leave it just to her.

If she wants to eat in a healthier way and exercise, encourage her to do that but to remain healthy while she does it, perhaps you can even turn it into a family activity if both you and your mum would be willing to do that of course.

Good luck with it, I hope it works out and if you need to talk you can always message me. :)

Let's be honest. You are her older sister. Of course you have an influence on her and what she does, thinks, wears, says, etc. That's the truth and there is nothing that you can say or do to change that. She will probably always be influence by you whether she wants to, admits it, or not.

The bigger question I have is (a) how is blaming yourself and, for lack of a better phrase, "sitting on your pitty pot" helping the situation? Perhaps the adult thing to do is talk to your sister in a nonconfrontational way. Only trouble is that if you are going to have a positive influence on your sister you will actually have to begin healing yourself, something that I undestand can be scary as a large part of you actually LIKES haveing the eating disorder. What is the adult thing to do here???

Bottom line: if you are actively engaging in your ED obsessions/addictions, you are NOT a ood influence on you sister. She is impressionable and body image issues are something women without ED issues in their life struggle with. Something to think about: what kind of legacy do you want to lead? One of self-hate, self-distructive behaviors? Or one of courage, strength, and not being afraid to go into the unknown -- have faith that you are ready to take the next step and trust people in your life will be there to help when you need it.

"Bottom line: if you are actively engaging in your ED obsessions/addictions, you are NOT a ood influence on you sister. She is impressionable and body image issues are something women without ED issues in their life struggle with. Something to think about: what kind of legacy do you want to lead? One of self-hate, self-distructive behaviors? Or one of courage, strength, and not being afraid to go into the unknown -- have faith that you are ready to take the next step and trust people in your life will be there to help when you need it."

excellently said.

Ok so yes you are her older sister and she may look up to you but whatever has caused your eating disorder may be the same cause of her own! it is important for the people who have said that your a bad influence to know that it is about control.

If your sister felt in control of her life, happy and secure, she would not seek control inside and on her body image....if she were an only child there is just as much chance that she would develop the eating disorder! having her father not around and not getting on with your mum will be a big difficulty for her.

Actually you getting on with your mum and her seemingly unable to may be the main influence you have on her, the fact that you get on with your mum despite your eating disorder may prompt her to engage in disorderd eating in a cry for attention....stil that is not your fault, you can NOT control whether your mum and your younger sister have a good relationship or not.

The bottom line actually is that although social impacts and role models have some influence, the main causes of eating disorders are psychological, it seems you have a slight family disfunction that may cause her to behave in a self distructive manner.

Perhaps testing the water, geting her in the right frame of mind may be a good way to chat to her. be honest and open about you feeling like a bad role model, tel her you know why she may be hurting. Ultimatly it is up to your mum to try and form a better bond with your sister. I would reccomend that you try to convince her to have some counselling, perhaps imply that you also have counselling.

I empathise with your situation, i am a bulimic and have younger impressionable sisters and there is no worse fear, however you must not blame yourself, itl only worsen your own problems if you feel you are failing your family.

My sister is 13 and impossible! classic teenager so i can understand the dificulty. I would suggest seeking advice from a professional about how to approach the situation, there unfortunatly is no single answer.

I really hope that you are not feeling too bad about the situation, after all it is out of your control. If you concentrate on you and let your mum concentrate on your sister. you would be a great inspiration if you got over your disorder yes! however it is wrong to assume that would fix the problem because you dealing with your deamons does not fight hers also. it does not get rid of her desire for attention and control

I hope im making sense, so sorry for the essay, I hope that you gain the strength to get better one day, its a battle and your not alone

xxxxx

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. But at the same time, I definitely agree with what jhammen and fidget said. 

I think of my own 14 year old sister, and she looks up to me so much it's pitiful. She wants to be just like me. And I think she wants to be like me because she think I'll be more proud of her (which of course is not true). 

How long have you been in recovery? Have you reached a healthy weight? You need to focus really hard on recovery, for your sister's sake. You are a HUGE influence on her, trust me. Start taking her out to eat, out for icecream. One of me and my sister's favorite things to do is to go out to eat. We love going out for ice cream. We love getting hot chocolate when it's cold. And we have a couple of local restaurants that we go to as often as we can because we love it so much. Food can be powerful in bringing two people together. I know that seems silly, but sharing meals is supposed to be a form of enjoyment.

Good luck! Don't beat yourself up too much about this. You recognized there might be a problem, and now you have a couple of options. You can either help your sister by improving yourself, or you can blame yourself and wallow in self-pity.