Skewed body image... how's this for crazy?

About a week ago I had a nervous breakdown because I decided I was fat.  I just moved and have not been able to work out due to the new job and the fact that I can't afford a gym membership right now.  I don't have a scale, but after putting on a pair of pants, I had an absolute breakdown.

My pants (a pair that had been loose before) were incredibly tight, and I spent the entire afternoon in tears.  I called my mother, my best friend, cancelled my evening plans, and basically was an absolute wreck.  I called myself every name in the book (fat-ass, disgusting, loser, etc...) and just felt completely miserable.  I recently lost about 15-20 lbs and had reached a weight goal.  Looking at this pair of pants in the mirror made me absolutely disgusted with who I was and what I had done to my body.  My lack of workouts and weigh-ins had added all the weight back, and I was devastated.

Anyway, I went home to CT for the July 4th weekend, and when I got there I decided to weigh myself on my mom's scale.  I was down 5 lbs.

As it turned out, my boyfriend had done laundry when I was at work, and had put the pants in the dryer.  It's kind of funny, but I am really disturbed about the whole experience.

My entire self-image was wrapped up in a pair of pants.  The thought that I had gained weight made me hate myself, hate my body, and made me become severely depressed.  I was so wrapped up in how I look that I couldn't even see my body for what it was - 5 lbs thinner than I had been!  I can't believe how much of my self-image was wrapped in how I felt when I looked at myself in the mirror. 

I don't think it is healthy to be this way.  I don't think it is right that I judged my self worth on one pair of pants.  I was so blinded by how they fit that I was unable to even think logically.  Other pants were loose, and rather than consider that, I thought "I must have stretched them out with my huge ass"

Anyway, I wanted to share because I have a feeling that SO many women feel this way.  How do you accept yourself for who you are?  How do you not base your self-worth on the size of your clothing?  Rationally, I know that I am not heavy - I am 6 feet tall and wear a size 8/10!  But it doesn't seem to matter. 

Thanks,

BP

Get in a tizzy about how clothes fit and self critisize...

I  nit pick at pictures (trying to stop... in fact, going out with friends this weekend and bringing a camera to take and love all the pictures  because I realized I don't have many recent ones:)), but I do keep them and then look back years later and realize that the memories are great and all the things I imagined was "wrong" with me really wasn't as bad as I made them out to be...

I thought this was a great post. Thanks for posting. Funny I read this today actually. Last night I decided to look at some old pictures. I looked at my sweet 16 album and couldn't believe how skinny I was! I remember thinking how fat I looked in my dress and how unhappy with myself if was. I couldn't have been any more then 115-120 pounds. The problem was that my best friend growing up was about 90 pounds, and to this day I don't believe she was ever over 105 pounds. That's just her body. But I always compaired myself to her and in turn it made me hate the way I looked. I will never be that small its just not my body. I just makes me so sad that I never enjoyed being so thin and never realized that I looked really great. all I have ever done is put myself down. I have been trying to loose weight for as long as I could remember and I cant help but think maybe if I would have realized I wasn't over weight and I did look good then maybe I wouldn't be were I am today...actually over weight. I truly believe I "dieted myself fat". Its really something I am working on, trying to improve myself image as well at my actual body. =/

Thanks Blondiepants.  I hope things go well for you. 

If you have health insurance, then there should be mental health parity and they should offer coverage/benefits equivalent of what they offer for your physical person.  I suggest you call them.  If they give you problems, tell them that they are supposed to cover mental health just like they cover other things and then ask for their superior.  Good luck.