Sleeping with a friend?!

Hi all I wanted to get other people's opinions on something I've been thinking a lot about recently.  

I've been close friends with this guy all through high school (I'm 19 now).  Over the years we've liked each other as more than friends but nothing ever ended up happening.. until this year.  Anyway, long story short I decided to end our 'relationship' ( quite a casual thing as we didn't really know how it would work out etc ) because I felt something wasn't quite there.  

However there has always been a kind of connection between us (I know it sounds dumb and I can't believe I'm saying it but there's no other way to describe it!), we just seem to get each other.  He's told me he really really likes me and wants us to carry on being together but I don't want to because I'm not sure how I feel and don't want to ruin our friendship.

OK here's the question.. I know he wants us to sleep together (both our first time) and I've thought about it heaps and he's the only person I've EVER actually thought about sleeping with seriously.  He's the only person I can imagine being comfortable enough with right now.  And I know there's no rush to have sex etc..but I do really want him to be my first.  

But I don't know how it would be between us if we did it.. like how it would change everything... does anyone have any advice?? 

Thanks :D

Talk to him! If you want a relationship plus first time sex, tell him. If you want first time sex, to stay friends and NOT have a relationship, tell him. See what he says. If he's up for the same as you are then go for it, if not forget about it, stay friends and move on.

Good luck :)

Oh my goodness, far be it from me to preach but here goes.  I applaud the fact that you are seriously thinking about it but this could change everything in your relationship.  When  a woman, especially a young inexperienced woman, sleeps with a guy, there could be a deep emotional bond.  If it isnt returned, the experience could also be your first heartbreak and you could end up feeling badly.

Of course he wants to continue the 'relationship'....ulterior motives???  You could be a good practice for him.  I dont mean to sound crass, but after reading your post, it seems he wants a friendship to continue regardless of your opinion.  Read what you wrote....you are not sure how you feel.  Why would you make a serious decision when you are not sure?

You are certainly free to do whatever you wish with your life....but realize that this could be life-altering.  If you proceed, please use the proper birth control.  Also let me pass along a little tip....pick up the book "Act Like A Lady but Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey.  He actually has some pretty good tips for a gal of any age.

Good luck.

I've been in somewhat of a similar situation. I have a really close guy friend whom i've been friends with forever and we're very comfortable with each other - we can tell each other anything, even if it's about sex with someone else or whatever. He always liked me and constantly told me that he loved me (never expecting me to say it in return). I never felt the same way about him that he did me. I loved him as a friend. I knew he'd be a great catch for someone, but like you, didn't feel that "spark."

The topic of me and him having sex never came up but I can tell you that if we had had sex, things would definitly not be the same. I don't think we would be able to be as close as we still are.

This was a few years ago, now he has a gf that is pregnant and i am on my way to being engaged! I'm really glad we didn't take our friendship to the next "level" because things would not be the same today. Hope this helps!

IMO if you have any question about anything, especially when it comes to something as important as sex, you may want to hold off. Sounds to me like your being the responsible one. What I have learned from the many relationships I have been in, is that I "really really liked" and cared for someone, but in the end it never worked out. I had questions like you, "should I keep this us" and "why do I feel this way". See I'm a guy so, I kind of have the other shoe. I've even slept with close female friends of mine, just because It was easy, we knew eachother, we both had our hormones going. So don't make the mistakes a lot of us make, take time as much or as long as you need to make it right. Because at 19 honestly we all kind of misinterpret what we want in relationships, **** sometimes we never learn lol. But eventually you need a man, and they don't usually come around until your older, what if this guy stays a kid, runs to college and gets hooked on something, never finds his place. That would leave you in a bad relationship. Let me know what you think, and what happens k? Take it easy and I hope things work out for you.

The question is, will you wonder about it or regret it if you don't try a relationship with him? 

If you are a person that can separate sex and love, you could do a lot worse for your first time than a friend whom you trust and care for - just make sure you are both up front about your feelings and the type of relationship you want it to be.  

You can have casual sex and go back to being just friends if one of you finds the special person.   It takes a longer time to go back to just friends after a failed relationship - but you can still do it if you treat each other with respect.

You are young... as long as you are having safe sex and making choices that feel morally okay to you, now is the time to learn about relationships and what works for you.  If sex & love aren't linked together for you, you won't have that "emotional attachment" side-effect that other commenters have mentioned.  If you can't have one without the other - I still think you could do worse than falling in love with a guy you value as a friend.  

I guess not everyone will agree with me here, and i have nothing against those who have casual sex but...

I personally think that you should never sleep with anyone you do not see yourself being with in the future, or are willing to have a child with. No BC is 100% effective (not saying this because to lecture,i know from experience!) So unless your willing to cope with the possibility of a pregnancy and the decision that comes with it, wait until you know 100% that you want to take the step into a relationship.

Once you do it you can never go back, take the time to make a decision before you jump into it, because you have to be able to take whatever occurs because of your decision (a child,ruining your friendship,having a good time,starting a meaningful relationship).

Definatly talk to him about it and express your feelings, if he is such a good friend i woulnt think it would hurt.

Original Post by thenow:

IMO if you have any question about anything, especially when it comes to something as important as sex, you may want to hold off.

What's so important about sex? 

OP... it's sex, not brain surgery. If you want to have sex with him, then do so, just use birth control that's actually effective.

You don't have to make it more than it is.

I'm with ignayshus...if he wants to sleep with you and you want him to be your first, then why not?

Speaking as someone who's had a few FWB's...yes, it will change things. So will an unrequited crush or unacted upon tension. The degree to which it changes things will depend on the people involved though. 

Obviously, different people will have differing opinions about 'what's so important about sex'

To some, it's just something fun to do that has very little upfront cost, and sometimes has very high 'back end' costs (sorry, no pun intended!) as in birth control failure, decision to have an abortion or to have a child, costs associated with either of those choices, not to mention whatever (less predictable) changes it will create in the relationship between the two people.

To others, sex has a more spiritual meaning.

Before the OP just does it, she will want to figure out what it means to her.

But I will say that I don't know anyone who's never had his or her heart broken at least once in their life.  And I will also say that having your heart broken isn't really the worst thing in the world, even though it tends to feel like it is at the time.

I'll say when in doubt.. don't. Regret lasts a lifetime.

Why not start out with somebody that knows what he's doing?

It's amazing how many people take sex so casual on this thread. They all must of had swingers for parents. Wait til they get knocked up have kids, and experience their 14 yr old going "Mom, Dad it's just sex!". I imagine most will be singing a different tune. Not all "most". Anyways sex isn't just a spiritual thing, it's a bonding thing, between two people, that should last. I'm from a small town, so all the people here hear about everyone really easily. Everyone knows that "easy" girl, or the player. I guarentee you 90% of the ones who don't respect their body, or the one's who only feel accepted by people through the use of their body are unhappy and have a void. Seeming this is a calorie count site, I must think about the over weight persons, who fling themselves around the bar hoping someone will get drunk enough, in a pothetic cycle that leaves them chowing down to make them feel better.

So word of the wise, especially to those younger people on this site trying to lose weight reading about "sex, what's the big deal" on this thread. Sex is a important relational thing designed for 2 people. If it wasn't there would be no std's or the need for protection.  This is all IMO.

2 Comments:

If hit and quit it is your thing, or the feelings of "love" come over you after 2 weeks in the relationship please be safe.

For those who take sex responsibly I give you much respect.

Original Post by thenow:

. Wait til they get knocked up have kids, and experience their 14 yr old going "Mom, Dad it's just sex!". 

 

Why do you seem so positive that that will happen? Don't assume everyone in the world plans to have kids. And not to make another abortion debate (and to acknowledge miscarriages) but not everyone who gets pregnant stay that way. 

You seem to know a lot about the psyches of "easy girls", "players" and "overweight people who fling themselves around the bar", but what can you tell me about sanctimonious and judgmental people who think they have everyone figured out from a few lines on the internet?

PS -- everything from "Why do you seem so positive--" downward is me. For some reason my cursor wouldn't leave the quote box.

Ouch! Look Bottom line or my two cents. Your 19 and you know this person a long time. If you can say to me that you are comfortable that you and him can both take off your clothes, change in front of each other, take a shower together or walk around with nothing on and not have sex OK. You have many years in front of you more years than you have behind you. If he really cares about you he will wait for you when you are ready. Best part you will both get to know your styles and if both of you like what you see. Maybe you will be together for life.

Good luck and Future

i totally agree with THENOW. sex isnt just sex. to say 'its just sex' is really bad advice.

pls eskimo dont hav it period. the thing is ur going 2 keep thinkin about it after...and there will b awkward moments and ur friendship would neva b d same...no matter how u think it would.....it wunt.

Original Post by kimbeerly:

i totally agree with THENOW. sex isnt just sex. to say 'its just sex' is really bad advice.

 Hey thank you Kimbeerly.

 And to the girl that thinks I'm judging and picking on her just because she was one of the few "whats the big deal about sex" posts, relax. I do know a lot about people, not saying I know everything about people. A lot of people have kids due to frequent sex with multiple partners, I did not say everyone. There are smart people out there, but **** happens even to safe people when it comes to sex. I've had a lot of my friends lives change overnight, and I myself. I have a 5 yr old daughter with a woman I am no longer with and a 4 week old son, both not planned. So when I talk, I talk from experience, and I was being careful. Least I thought I was. So for those who don't agree I am sorry I put my opinion on here, I just wanted to help the OP.

The "you'll change your mind" bingo? Ummm, no, I'm in my 30's and yet to feel a maternal instinct or a sadness over my miscarriages. Nothing's going to change.

I also didn't think you were so much picking on ME specifically so much as anyone who doesn't schtup the exact same way you do. "Easy" girls? What is this, the 1950's? Why are girls still "easy" but men are "players"? And the thing about "overweight people flinging themselves around bars", well, not only does such harsh comments on overweight people seem out of place on a site where many people are struggling to lose weight and others still are struggling to overcome eating disorders, but we weren't even talking about bar pickups! We were talking about sex with friends, which would imply people who are known to the posters. We may even--- know our FWB's dating histories and such!

Personally, I wanted to wait to have sex until I found a guy that I would be in a long term relationship with, that would respect me, that woud be smart and careful, and tha would not leve me with any huge regrets.

No one here can tell you what is right or what is wrong for you. But I suggest thinking hard about what you WANT from a first sexual experience. Sex may just be sex, but to a lot of people, their first sexual experience and their first sexual partner tend to stick deeper into their memory. I know a lot of girls who did not have good first sexual experiences. Although it didn't ruin them, it made sexual experiences in the future harder to be enjoyable.

So think about what you want, all of the possible consequences that could come from this, and make your own decision.