Smack my forehead!

I wish I would stop watching late night documentaries because for some reason they are always hard hitting and then they play on my mind all night and i can't sleep.

Tonight one came on which was about the great life you can have once you retire and it was this purpose built place with really nice apartments, shops, bars and loads of entertaining things for the folk to do. Their ages ranged from 50 up. All sounds fantastic so far...and in all honesty if i was to go into a facility i would pick this one.

However!

They featured one couple not that old (50's or there abouts) but the husband had had a stroke, he had recovered broken speech and could get about a bit.

Anyway his wife had decided she didn't want to take care of him anymore and talked him into going to live there. The poor guy was crying and you could see in his eyes how sad he was, he quoted his marriage vows sickness and in health!

He set his mind that it wouldn't be forever and one day he could go home to the woman he clearly adored.

She on the other hand was so happy he was out of the house, was out partying and refused to visit him more than 3 times per week.

Then on one visit, sitting next to him holding his hand she started to tell the film crew that "you never know maybe one day she would meet someone new"

OMG I just thought "you totally heartless cow" the poor guy was crying his eyes out and was clearly devastated that she was even thinking like that.

Now I know I don't know what kind of life she has had and therefore have no right to think what I did....but come on! I just wanted to go and give him a cuddle, he seemed so sweet natured and did not deserve that.

If I was married I just could not do that to them, put them in a care home, especially when they were still reasonably able to at least help with their needs.

I just feel really sad now! Could/would you put your spouse/children in a care facility if they had the same level of care needed as this guy, basic help to wash and dress, cut up their food but other than that they were not too bad.

Sure sounds like the poor guy deserves better.  I would like to think I'd never do something like that to my spouse.

I think so too maybe he will meet some really nice lady at the facility...he deserves to.

So if your husband has a stroke, Betzc, you're going to blame it on him because he isn't trying to change his health like you? And you don't think you should have to take care of him? You should get a divorce, you definitely don't care or love that person.

Also, even healthy people have strokes and go into cardiac arrest. I hope karma doesn't fall upon you.

I took care of my mother after a stroke for close to 3 years before putting her in a home. By the time I put her in a home there was no other choice. Now that I look back on it, I should have put her in a home much sooner.

There is much more to taking care of someone than just helping them to wash, dress, cut up their food, etc. If that was all there was to it, there wouldn't be as many people put in homes.

Remember you are only seeing what the TV editors want you to see. You aren't seeing what this man is like when he's left alone with his wife with no one else around. You don't know if he's playing head games or whining all the time or demanding to be waited on hand and foot. You have absolutely no idea what has gone on in their lives.

I could see myself moving to such a facility with my husband, and getting someone to come in daily and help with his care if needed. I wouldn't leave and would certainly never make him cry. However, if I were still a young and healthy fiftysomething and my husband had had a stroke like that and it changed our relationship so that sex was no longer a part of it, I could see myself (flame away, folks) having a discreet affair to keep myself sane and able to stay in my relationship. I would not be prepared to abandon that part of myself for the last forty years of my life, that would be too tragic.

At one point I didn't visit my mother for a couple of months because she had insulted me so much that I couldn't bear going there. Then when I did start to visit again she acted like she didn't want me around. She would actually tell me to go. Then I'd hear from the nurses and aids that she talked about how much she enjoyed my visits.

If you haven't been in this situation, you have no idea how emotionally and physically draining it is to take care of someone.

Yes, I could put my spouse in a home. I would either visit him or not depending on the situation.

I hope I never have to make that choice.

Original Post by moonikins:

At one point I didn't visit my mother for a couple of months because she had insulted me so much that I couldn't bear going there. Then when I did start to visit again she acted like she didn't want me around. She would actually tell me to go. Then I'd hear from the nurses and aids that she talked about how much she enjoyed my visits.

If you haven't been in this situation, you have no idea how emotionally and physically draining it is to take care of someone.

Yes, I could put my spouse in a home. I would either visit him or not depending on the situation.

I hope I never have to make that choice.

I agree with you mooni. My above post presupposed no abusive personality changes. Stroke, unfortunately, does not always spare one's personality. However the man in the video (as you said: the parts they showed, at least) did not have those kinds of personality changes, and it certainly does happen that physical handicap alone causes a healthy spouse to abandon a sick spouse.

Original Post by jackattack07:

Also, even healthy people have strokes and go into cardiac arrest. I hope karma doesn't fall upon you.

 Wow, does this mean it's ok to remove you from my buddy list?

Mooni,  I absolutely know where you are coming from.  If people haven't been in this situation they have no idea what it's like.  I hope you are doing okay with the HARD decision's that you had to make and know that there are alot of people out here living through the same thing.  Take care

I can't even believe some of you people.

What if you were hit by a bus and no longer had your health? Would you want your SO to throw you in a home and leave you? What kind of marriage is it when you leave someone the second you have to do for them? Ridiculous!

I helped care for my gran, but her daughters decided it was too much work for them and put her in a home, she died withing year. I also worked in a nursing home for 10 yrs, I have an idea of what it is like to care for people with strokes, dementia etc, and even when they are not family it becomes personal because you become very fond of the people you are caring for daily.

It is draining, but here anyway there is plenty of help you can get at home to give you some respite, not to mention respite care. There is also home help (i've done that too) where the local authority will send someone to help this can be help getting them up, bedtime, meals, days out and even overnight.

Sadly i have seen in real life too many people be put in homes, never get visits etc. It is not something everyone can do. 

But I would have done as trust said and move in with him, his level of care really was not that high and she did say that she had been a registered nurse up until she became a carer for her husband.

She was doing it for selfish reason.

Original Post by betzc:

Original Post by jackattack07:

Also, even healthy people have strokes and go into cardiac arrest. I hope karma doesn't fall upon you.

 Wow, does this mean it's ok to remove you from my buddy list?

Mooni,  I absolutely know where you are coming from.  If people haven't been in this situation they have no idea what it's like.  I hope you are doing okay with the HARD decision's that you had to make and know that there are alot of people out here living through the same thing.  Take care

Thanks betzc, I am doing OK now. I did feel guilt for awhile, but I worked through it. I don't explain to people often what I did because so many just assume you're selfish and uncaring and that they would have handled things so much better. People truly don't know what it is like until they are in this situation.

Sure, there are some selfish people who just don't want to take care of a supposed loved one. I don't believe that is the case with most. Some of those sweet old people in the nursing home have spent years alienating their families.

Original Post by betzc:

After 25 years of marriage, and much recent aggravation, I truly know that in sickness and in health would not apply in my case. Especially when I have kicked my own ass into the best health of my life and my H has chosen not to, just to resent me for it. Not saying we are heading for divorce court here, just that I can kind of understand where that woman might be coming from.

Wow, you need to go buy yourself a heart.  Some people just don't understand why it's important to take better are of yourself, you shouldn't punish him like that for it.  I feel bad for your husband.  I hope there is an afterlife for his sake, and wherever he is, is full of hot young girls, and wherever you are, is full of.. well, just you.  Alone in a white room. 

That poor man. What a horrible woman.

Betzc, there is nothing wrong with having to get extra care for a person who has gone through medical problems. There IS something wrong with abandoning them and even going as far as BLAMING THEM because they didn't try to get healthy enough. How would you feel if you had a stroke and your husband blamed you and had no sympathy? This isn't about "not knowing what it's like", it's pure common sense. Yes, please do remove me from your friends list.

Moon, I could so argue my point, but i'm not going to. I don't believe that everyone is selfish there are occasion when it is the best option. But sadly too often this is not the case i have seen it first hand.

That's all i'll say on it because i get the feeling that you feel this is personal to you.

I am talking about the woman in the documentary and the relatives i have known when working in the care industry. I know their circumstances and the woman's because she did it on national tv.

 Done

Original Post by andie-1:

Moon, I could so argue my point, but i'm not going to. I don't believe that everyone is selfish there are occasion when it is the best option. But sadly too often this is not the case i have seen it first hand.

That's all i'll say on it because i get the feeling that you feel this is personal to you.

I am talking about the woman in the documentary and the relatives i have known when working in the care industry. I know their circumstances and the woman's because she did it on national tv.

I wasn't arguing with you Andie. Not at all. I was responding to the people who said anyone who would put someone in a home and not visit is a horrible person. That isn't true.

I didn't see the documentary, so I can't comment on the people in it. It is possible the woman was just selfish and didn't care. It is also possible that the sweet crying man is/was horrible to her for years. That's all I'm saying.

Original Post by betzc:

 Done

 You really don't need to publicize that. Just do it and move on.

It's possible that he was a horrible husband.  It's possible that he's crying because he has to depend on the one person that he treated so horribly and who is now unfortunately using this most critical time to seek revenge.  Whatever the case may be --- I feel like she stayed with it this long so there's got to be a really good reason for her leaving her man....maybe they were getting a divorce, maybe she could use the money from the life insurance policy, who knows.. it's really hard to pass judgment when you don't know the facts.  For all we know she could've induced the stroke so that she can live happily ever after with a secret boyfriend.