is somebody actually striving to attain above minimum bmi?

Hey guys/girls,

It's meeeee again. Blahhh. Recently I've really been struggling with my exercise bulimia, b/p, and restricting tendencies. A lot. I'm really make advances, but at the same time I just feel like I'm falling way way backwards.

Right now it feels like the mindset where if I don't get food into me as fast as possible, I'm going to just avoid it completely. Like I just really want to avoid the concept of a mealtime because it's so stressful.

It's weird, I love food. I know it makes me feel good physically and emotionally, and I can appreciate and acknowledge that for what it is.

But at the same time I hate it. Because I'm so dependent on it. Not only emotionally, but physically. I'm hypoglycemic. If I don't balance things out juuuuuust, I get low really fast. And that's a really scary and confusing state to be in. That causes a lot of fear around food because I hate feeling that way and I know it's a physically dangerous place to be. It makes me eat more than I want to a lot of the times, and sometimes I think half of my binges are just preventative measures.

There's a theory with my doctors that it might be because of my weight (still, even though I've gained a decent amount of weight from my low at the...I'm not seriously underweight for my height. I'm not even medically considered underweight). We're testing to rule other things out, but it may just turn out that my body needs more.

And right now I'm just stuck on a number. My BMI is in normal range. I mean, above 19 normal. And I know BMI might not be a legit factor in my situation, because of my exercise bulimia (more muscle mass)...but like I said...I'm stuck. I guess I just need a buddy/ reassurance. I'm working so hard to overcome this/ get my period. And the idea of gaining MORE weight than I have is so so scary for me because I used to be quite overweight when I was a kid. I'm so afraid I won't stop.

I know I'm wearing myself out. My body aches a lot, I'm getting dispassionate about a lot of things I LOVE, and I have minimal energy/passion to do much more than the daily routine. This is not who I am. I wish I could give up the gym. I wish I could just let go of all these thoughts and just..BE again.

Ugh. I just need help.

i feel like i wrote that.

like you, i've reached a weight within the spectrum of what is medically acceptable and all that garbage..

but that's not really the point, is it?

i wouldn't wish this **** on my worst enemy... i really hope you and i will find a way back to the people we used to be (and still are at the core) with time. i think we can/will. i think its going to take a long, long, long time... but someday we will look back on this and will barely remember what it felt like. i hope!

<3

I am sorry you are struggling. It is not uncommon for people to switch around eating disorders because it is just another way to not cope so to speak with what is truly bothering you. Have you been in therapy and do you know some things that may be triggering this beyond the food/weight? Can you sit down and make a meal plan and try to stick to it like prescribed medicine or see a nutritionist? I am sure that your hypoglycemic is not being helped by b/p,excersise etc. If you have a healthy lifetsyle plan your body should get to its natural set point. I know and understand the fears you have but they may not happen if you take care of your body. If you continue down this path you will have a lot of physical complications.