can someone who has experience with eating disorders tell me what i am experiencing? just to warn you, this is VERY long

i'm not really sure what is wrong with me if anything. two of my friends have confronted me on the issue in the past two weeks saying that they were concerned with my eating habits and outlooks on eating.. both of them said that they weren't trying to say that i had anorexia but they were concerned that it could develop and get worse. (they both did this independently of each other, they aren't even friends). basically i don't feel i have anorexia because i don't starve myself and i don't look sickly thin. i'm 18 years old, 5'6'' and i weigh 113 lbs.. i weighed 124 lbs last spring according to the doctor and i was really shocked and disgusted when i heard that because that is my highest weight so i was determined to start watchign what i ate more.. there was one week where i would only eat 700 or less calories but then i went back to somewhat normal eating.. but this year starting in like september i guess i've really been stickign to a restriction. usually its not that low though. i consume anywhere from 900 to 1300 calories.. and burn calories through exercise so that my caloric intake for the day is under 1000 (i.e. if i eat 1300 calories then i will for sure try to burn off 400 at the gym). on the weekends i never let myself eat more than 1000 calories because i can get away with eating less (because i can sleep in and avoid breakfast, i can eat low-cal frozen foods that i can't make at lunch, and i can say i'm going otu to eat and then don't). i don't always count the exact number of calories i take in, but i always make a mental estimate. i always weigh myself sat and sunday mornings, and i try to during the week but i have to sneak into my parents room to use their scale because it's the only one i trust (the other ones we have i think lie and say i weigh less than i know i do). i just feel like i spend soo much time thinking about what i eat and analyzing it.. i drink a lot of iced tea and green tea to try and suppress my appetite when i feel hungry. i think i've just been really stressed out this year, as it is my senior year, and i've been looking for something to do and consume my time with.. so i've been trying to manage this. my one friend said she thinks i look "a loot smaller" than last year and that its noticeable but i've only lost 11 lbs, i don't think i look very different. i aim to weigh 104 so i will have lost 20 lbs total. i don't know whats wrong but can someone help me figure this out, i really don't think this is anorexia because i definitely don't starve myself ( i never fast and very rarely skip lunch or dinner).

I wouldnt say that you fit the specific criteria of an anorexic but i will say this, your friends havea point to be concerned!

1. You dont eat enough calories! Your bodies has probably started to store fat because its scared you will not feed it enough later, which is why, even if you lost weight, you might not look that different. Your muscels propbably arnt getting the feul they need to become stronger either.  Although you say you never starve yourself, your body does need more than what you're giving it. Increase your intake gradually with healthy food and you'll find you have more energy.

2.You are under weight!  Im shorter than you (5'5") and when i was underweight and anorexic i weighed 103.

I think that if you're at the point where food and looking skinny has become an obsetion in you life, and your friends are telling you that you look too thin insted of congratulating you on your weight loss success, then you've probably gone to far. You may not have an eating disorder now but if you keep it up, it could be in your future.

Im a stuborn person myself and i realize now that friends and family will knowtice what you refuse to believe is reality and want to help you.  Take their advice!

 

I agree with unforgotten, I don't think you technically would be classified as having anorexia, but that is not the only type of eating disorder. In fact, many young women with eating disorders do not completely starve themselves; they often cut many calories using other methods and exercise to rid their bodies of the calories they did consume.

You are already underweight and if you reached your goal of 104 lbs, it would be extremely dangerous for you. I work and a treatment center for eating disorders and understand that it can be a difficult thing to admit you have a problem.  I think that since you asked for advice, you are at least heading in the right direction. I strongly encourage you to get some professional help. You can start by talking to your family doctor, or if you don't feel comfortable, there are other places you can go. If you need help with that, let me know and I can get some information from work to find someone for you to talk to.

so this has been going on since last spring? i seriously advice attempting at breaking out of this mindset as soon as possible before it becomes an obsession. for me, after a month and a half of restricting my calories and over exercising, it was all i could think about. i would sit in class and completely ignore my schoolwork, only thinking about how much i had eaten and how much i would allow myself to eat for the rest of the day. my grades suffered tremendously. then, when i actually wanted to pay attention in class, i couldn't because my brain was too tired from malnutrition. i would exercise every day, but i had no idea how lethargic i had become: i never wanted to go out and see my friends, and i started to completely isolate myself. i would restrict my calories more and more every week, and after only 2 1/2 months or so, i had gone from 140 pounds to 110 pounds, and i'm 5'6" and 17, like you.       i finally faced the damage of what i was doing, and began to up my calories, and forced myself to only do weight training, no cardio. IT'S BEEN SO HARD, but i really see the difference. i'm so much happier now, though at the start of it i was extremely depressed, convinced that eating more than 800 calories a day would make me fat. it started just like you, though. it just got worse and worse.      my point is, quit it now, before it gets worse. it may seem desirable to lose more, but i started getting concerned comments from people about how i was too skinny when i was about 118 lbs. now i'm 110, and some of my teachers have contacted the school nurse because they are concerned about me. (the nurse is a family friend, so she told my mom about it.) you may want it, but it's not the best thing for someone who's 5'6". message me about it if you want, i'd be happy to help out. i don't want you to get stuck on a bad path!

Thanks everyone for responding, it means a lot. I find it too awkward to share things with my friends, especially now that they have confronted me about it i feel really uncomfortable eating around them. i told one of my friends (my best friend) that i tried to purge the other day when i felt i ate too much (it was like 5 hershey kisses but it just disgusted me that day) but i didn't end up throwing up, partly because i don't think i had enough food to throw up or maybe i just didn't know how to do it properly.. but i also jsut started crying when i was doing it because i was realizing i was starting to have a problem beyond like just watchign what i ate.. thats only happened twice though and i never ended up throwing up. i remember two years ago after a party my friend came back to my hosue and we were both very intoxicated (neither of us drove).. and she threw up like everywhere in my house and i was really jealous that she did and i didn't and i didn't understand why because i was just as drunk as she was. i think all these bad thoughts started because one of my close friends was anorexic 2 years ago and i was around it so much. then another friend of mine was anorexic last school year.. and over the summer two girls on a trip i went on suffered from bulimia. i've jsut been around it so much that my own eating habits seem like normal by comparison. i did tell my best friend that i wasn't planning to lose any more weight and that i just wanted to maintain and she was ok with that.. but that isn't true and i just want to lose a little more. it sucks beacuse siince my habits aren't quite yet that bad, i don't really feel i'm doing any damage and i therefore am not ready to stop.. which i know is bad because once it gest worse it will be harder to stop. but i'm jsut not ready to move on now. thank you for the support though, i'm really thinking abotu what each of you has said and it is helpful

wow...so your antidote hit really close to home...

you sound exactly like how i did at the beginning stages of my development of anorexia (the sneaking in to my parents room to weigh myself/green tea/sleeping through breakfast/etc.

I would advise that you definitely see a therapist or someone and try and put a stop to this as soon as possible before it gets very serious...if i knew all the horrible complications in my life that this would result in i would have attempted to turn back. Its not worth it. I developed anorexia nervosa with the SAME symptoms you describe...thousands of dollars lost to hospital bills/blood tests/etc, pain/anguish to both me and my family, hours/days/weeks of my life wasted from being put on bedrest, daily doctor appts, etc. I almost didn't even get to go to college.

Please, please, please get help soon.

Lots of love

i'm going thru a similar thing right now. i'm not to the point where i can tell it's dangerous, but i know i need to change something. 

that's one of the most frustrating things about this, i think. knowledge that something needs to be done, something needs to be changed, something needs to be fixed but inability to actually DO it. 

but i think that, even if it's not all-out starving yourself, restricting calories drastically, weighing yourself whenever you can, obsessing about food and weight are all indicators of eating disorders. i don't think the name of the disorder is really that important. just so long as you know you have "a problem" and you need to and want to "fix" it. although, thru my experiences, getting an actual diagnose is a helpful step toward recovery. with a diagnosis, you know something is actually wrong instead of just thinking "i'm stupid for doing thins. why can't i stop?" 

i hope i don't sound hypocritical or anything, because i'm not always "good" and "healthy" myself. but i want to help you. isn't that the thing, tho? we always want to help the other person, never ourselves. that's my piece of advice for you. treat yourself like your friend. if your best friend was doing to herself what you're doing to yourself, you'd try and help her and make sure she was healthy. do that for yourself. it can get really hard, but just try.

and please, please, please don't try to throw up. i had the same "problem" of not being able to. but then i figured out how and it's been HELL trying to stop. just don't start. please, for your own sake. just think of your teeth rotting away b/c of the stomach acid. that's how i've gotten myself to stop! hah.

i know what you mean about not wanting to talk to close friends and family about it. that's why i think this cite is great. you can get support from people who you don't have to see on a day-to-day basis. but, that's also a downfall to this cite. because these people who're responding to you (me included, obviously) don't actually know you, they can't help you as much. it might be hard to tell your friends or family, but it's good for you. there'll be someone watching you, making sure you're staying on the right track. if you choose to tell someone, just make sure he or she is trustworthy and won't make you feel bad about it. maybe talk to one of your friends who has gone thru an eating disorder. people who haven't gone thru it tend to say stuff like "snap out of it!" or pressure you to eat more, which can actually be counter-productive. it might be the hardest thing to do, and i don't know your relationship with you parents, but telling them could be SOOO beneficial. if you start going to a counselor or therapist right now you can hopefully catch this thing before it progresses into a REALLY dangerous thing. for me, i have a hard time bringing things up directly to my parents. going to a school counselor could be your first step (even if the thought sounds horrible). they'll be the connecting point between you and your parents.

the fact that you're posting this says a lot. you want help. you just don't know how to get it. as long as you want to get better, there's potential. but just wanting to get better won't make you better, just like wanting a pony won't actually get you one. (sorry if that analogy sucked! hah)

keep working on it. i'm here if you want support, or someone to just vent to. i'll try my hardest to help! good work, hun.

p.s. sorry it's so long! hah, i guess i just have a lot to say...and sorry if it's bad advice or anything. i just wrote down what i thought. meh 

haha yeah i definitely agree with/relate to a lot of what you are saying. it seems its always easier to help a friend. and i dk why it bothers me, but sometimes when a friend tries to talk to me ab something thats wrong and it appears that she believes she will be able to "fix" me, it makes me less willing to open up.. its kinda hard to explain but i guess it just makes me feel like they think that they've figured me out and that it's that simple when it's really not. and i agree that it's def a lot easier to help otehr people than to help yourself, i think my problem right now is that i'm pretty confident that i would never get to the point of having to go to the hospital or any of that.. i'm not sure why but i have this belief that i would be able to keep it from getting that dangerous but i'm sure i'm wrong and i know you guys are right. it helps to jsut keep hearing it sometimes from people who have been there and know, as oppose to people who like read about it. every day i wake up and have one of two thoughts; today i'm just gonna eat normally and forget about everything, or today i'm gonna do better than yesterday. no matter what though i'm never able to forget. i don't know how i'm suppose to jsut "forget" about what i eat when i already know the caloric content of everything i come in contact wiht.. its impossible to ignore those numbers because they're jsut there. any advice on how to forget about that? i really don't want this to develop into a full out eating disorder because i definitely do understand the damage after seeing it in my friends.. and i don't want to be isolated from people. i can't tell if college next year will be a good or bad thing. i think i'll be less bored so ill be happier, but i also fear that ill get away with eating less because i won't have my parents looking out for me.. they have no idea what's going on, i think my mom jsut thinks i'm trying to eat healthier because she is too. like she will buy something and be like yeah its only X calories, like in a positive light because she knows we both don't liek fattening foods.. but i don't think she knows how much of an obsession it really is and last year on spring break i threw a fit and accused her of being anorexic because i hated seieng her eat less than me, but i was wrong she was not anorexic at all and now i feel i can't talk to her about my own problems because of that awkwardness about food. also another problem i am having (like that w/my mom) is that i HATE it when someone around me is eating less.. it drives me crazy and makes me want to stop eating. and i know its stupid cuz some of my friends def don't think ab how much they eat AT ALL yet if they arent eating much i feel fat for eating more. and one of my friends, i'm not erally sure if she has a problem or not, but shes going through a lot of family stuff right now (parents getitng divorced and her moms abusive to her).. and i know its unfair but i can't stand the thought of her being thinner than me, its liek a competition in my head

i hear you. sometimes when friends want to help the most they end up saying things that are the LEAST helpful. nothing wrong with them, they just don't know exactly what's going on sometimes.

you said that you have "this belief that i would be able to keep it from getting hat dangerous" (ie: going to the hospital). if you keep that belief, that'll land you in the hospital. a lot of times (i know that this pertains to me) eating disorders are about control issues. you think you're controlling how much food you're putting into your system, but really you're ED is in control. it's just tricky, letting you think you're controlling everything when you aren't. so (i kno this is hard) stop thinking you won't get into the hospital. it's not in your control if you keep on this path. i used to think "oh, i'll just cut calories until i'm at my goal weight and then i'll start eating right again" but that never happened. it's like exponential growth (i'm a math major....). it'll just keep getting worse and worse unless you stop it.

 i'm in the same situation with knowing calorie counts for everything. i actually just started a new forum question, asking for ways to get myself to stop that. basically, all the replies i've gotten have just said "turn your brain off." i really think there's not gonna be an easy way to get rid of all of those numbers stored in our brains, now that we know them. we just have to try and not care or something, i guess. and it's gonna be HARD. but (what people have told me is to) just increase it a little each day, until you're up to a "healthy" amount of cals (ie: 1200 at least). but, yeah, i don't have any advice on how to forget those numbers. it's just kinda a thing we're gonna have to overcome, cuz those foods are gonna be in our lives for the rest of our lives. 

college: i've heard different stories for different people. not to freak you out, but it made me super worse. i didn't have my parents watching me and none of my new friends knew about it at all. but i have a good friend who's got an ED and she's doing great at college. it really depends on the person. one thing i do know: i didn't have support going into college, my friend did. she had been going to treatment programs to help her deal with it, whereas i just tried to do it alone. i really think that gave her the upper hand, and i encourage you to do the same. really, even tho it sounds stupid, getting a counselor or psychologist is your best bet to overcome this.

about your mom: i really think you need to tell her. if what she's saying in regards to calories really is affecting you like that, she needs to know. i don't know your mom, but i can't imagine she would want you going thru that. and i can't imagine she would want to be a contributing factor! if she's made aware of it, she can try and help. she can put less pressure on you, stop feeding you information about the food, etc. and (if she's interested in healthy eating) she can help you make good, healthy decisions. (and when i say healthy, i mean stuff that's good for you AND enough to sustain you).

about your friends: that will never go away. we're raised in a culture were we are constantly pressured to be "better" than the people around us. this is something you'll learn to deal with in counseling. even tho it may seem like a competition, it isn't. it's just something we have to realize. try not to pay attention to how much everyone else is eating. it's not like if they eat less, you'll lose weight. (haha, funny story: one of my guy friends was telling me his theory at lunch one day. he thinks that there is a certain amount of weight that people weigh, like, if you got all people on a scale, the weight would be constant. so if one person loses weight, other people would have to gain weight in order to balance it out. anyway, his theory is that if he gains weight, he's actually helping a fat person get skinny by taking their weight...he's such a nerd) but, fortunately, that's NOT the case. your friends' choices of food (amount, type, etc) do not directly affect you. just pay attention to what you're eating in a healthy way. just focus on getting enough calories and nutrients and forget about your friends' food choices.

... That all sounds scarily familiar.
I was like that but only for 4 months.
To begin with i was just obsessed with calorie counting and weighing myself and measuring everything (myself and food).
Then the obsession turned into desperation and i started eating less and weighing myself more every day.
I started searching for pro-ana sites, drooling over thinspiration.
Bah, its all icky stuff though.
I'm not truly over it (Ha, i woke up this morning with the intention not to eat at all but reading all this, i think I'll go have breakfast in a minute) but at least i eat a more normal amount now.
Lol who'd have thought depression could fix anything?
I now don't care enough to count calories.

Anyway... If you have Bebo, this is a great group on there that i find are GREAT for support and info.
Even if you don't think you have a problem :)

http://www.bebo.com/A-Healthy-Normality

(P.S. I'm 'AnAddictionAdored' if you feel the odd desire to add me)

Hope you can get past this and have a great Christmas, Hanuka, Kwanzaa or Holiday!

With love,
Snick snick

i am 20 years old 150 lbs 5'6". when i was younger i was  a healthy 128 lbs.  I went through some hard times and ended up wighing 100lbs. i dropped the weight very quickly. i stopped eating completly. my body has been through alot. Anorexia, bulemia, and depression. Ever since that dramatic weight loss, my metablolism has never been the same. i feel as though if i eat a drop of fat it just clings to me. Im just warning you that you dont want to get where i am. Its been 5 years since my eating disorder and im still healing from it! i started restricting calories because i wanted control. my parents were very restrictive of me and i wasnt allowed to do much besides sports and school. And through the ed i had control... at least i thought i did. im not saying that you have one.... but you are traveling down a path that will continue to get darker and darker. so ask yourself if there is something in your life that isnt under your control. i.e. a boyfriend, parents divorce... it could even be the little things (dont overlook the cause). good luck. we are all here for you when you need it :)

thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to respond. i think one of the things i feel out of control with is the whole college process.. now that i've sent in applications its not in my control what happens with them. i really hope that i do get accepted and that i can celebrate it and be happy. i'm scared that if i don't i'm not gonna get over it =/. i guess i will find out pretty soon !

Warning: This is a long post. But I really think you should read it.

You need to know this: Number and figures have almost nothing to do with eating disorders! Please, do not try to convince yourself that you do not have an issue because the graph or the chart says you are ‘healthy’. Or because you have only lost 11 lbs. The problem isn’t numbers, its thoughts. The real (mental) problem with living with an ED is that it is no the actions but the thoughts that are the most harmful to yourself. You may eat 200 calories a day or 2200 calories a day, but the issue is that you analyze, weight, count, obsess, and over think continuously about food. THIS isn’t healthy!

Can you remember the last time you didn't have a food though (good or bad) sneak into your mind? No matter how good it may feel to be able to control your food intake I can tell you that it feels 100% better to actually live your life without being controlled by your obsessive thoughts (and yes they do control you).

Something someone once asked me to do this: Sit down and think about how much of your day you think about food versus all your other proprieties. When I did this the ratio was small at first, and then I started to think: "no, its bigger, I think about food and calories and weight and reasons to avoid food while I go about school, work, time with my friends".  I lie, sneak and hid to protect my “disordered eating habits” (that’s what I called it).

Trust me - if you can get help to kick the obsession you will feel a lot better about life. It’s a freeing feeling not to be under the control of these thoughts. 

I still struggle making appropriate food choices and dealing with weight issues and honestly I haven't yet kicked a lot of my old habits. But being released from that frame of mind feels so much better than living in secrecy.

The first thing you should do is tell yourself is that it is okay and that you will be okay. You should also be open about your food consumptions - tell someone you trust if you need to vent - don't live a lie and don't live in secrecy, it hurts to much!
I can tell that you know this because you made this post. That is definitely a start. 
 
Second, you need to realize that you don't have to look like an emaciated runway model to look for help. It’s not the size or the actions that decide the problems. It is the controlling thoughts that hurt you the most.

You may want to take some time and think about what it is that is causing you to behave this way? There may be an underlying issue that you are not dealing with, but rather taking is out on yourself. I hope this helps you even just a little bit.

Take care of yourself. Love yourself as much as others in your life love you. You deserve it.

 

yeah that is what i was afraid of.. i keep telling myself that if i wanted to i could go back to my old eating habits tomorrow, but then if i try to i fully regret it and promise myself i won't do it again the next day. so yeah i think you're right that something is wrong.. i still can't believe that it would be an eating disorder though, i feel like it would be more obvious to me if it was? i've been talking to 2 of my friends, one who is someewhat going through it but not as much i don't think so hopefully itll get easier!

funk98, you are also right in that i need to figure out why i'm doing this.. that's what my one friend who i was talking about it with kept asking me.. because she said i was "always one of thinnest of our friends" so she didn't understand why this came about. but i dont know, i don't think you have to be overweight to begin with for this to happen.. i guess that just proves how much it really isn't just about food

Your absolutely right when you say that it really isn't about food because it isn't. Food is not the enemy...we are! We just choose for food to be our weapon! I hope this makes sense to you, but what I mean is that like other obsessive and addictive behaviors, people with ED's all have underlying reasons for developing them. Try taking a look at your upbringing, childhood experiences, or even just the feeling of always wanting to be perfect in everyway possible. I never thought that I would get an ED either, but my belief to always be the perfect child and the most successful has lead me down this path. I have found that inorder to conquer this disorder you have to find the true causes...look into your heart and try to find why you are unhappy. Remember in order to change our behaviors we must change our beliefs...so why do we believe that thin is perfect?? I am still trying to figure this one out!

Original Post by beautifuldisaster311:

yeah that is what i was afraid of.. i keep telling myself that if i wanted to i could go back to my old eating habits tomorrow, but then if i try to i fully regret it and promise myself i won't do it again the next day. so yeah i think you're right that something is wrong.. i still can't believe that it would be an eating disorder though, i feel like it would be more obvious to me if it was? i've been talking to 2 of my friends, one who is someewhat going through it but not as much i don't think so hopefully itll get easier!

You have to want to make a change for yourself and until you want to do it for you you will always revert back to "I'll do better tomorrow". You are (we all are) using this excuse to comfort the though of the bad we are doing today. It is a terrible thing to do because the more we use it the harder it is to let go later down the road.

Also a big congratulation for admitting that something is wrong. This is a tough thing to do because no one can ever believe that they do have a problem. This is a great step for you to take and let me tell you that it will get easier. Actually, the road is long rough and it F***ing sucks! But to feel better, it’s totally worth it.

I'm glad that you have someone to talk to, although I have to admit that I am worried about the fact that this person seems to be suffering a little herself. Perhaps in time you may want to seek help from a (dare I say it) Therapist. I know it sounds scary and you are probably telling yourself that you are not THAT bad… but if you’ve come here to look for support you may be more worried than you are letting on.  I myself was in this situation too and I found that talking to a person who also had and ED led me to be more competitive and drive me deeper into this rut. That is me however, I am a competitive person (I've read that part of ED behaviour is competitiveness... makes sense... want to be perfect, thus better than everyone else).

Like you Positivelinny, I still don't understand this whole connection between perfectionism and thinness. What I do understand though is that food is our weapon, and there is always a reason we use it. I still haven't figured mine out, but a tip is that there is always a pattern. Mine is this: When I'm stress about stuff I can't control (ie: emotional situations) I undereat. I don't know why, but perhaps looking at patterns will help figure out some of the root causes.

The other thing I want to say is this: To anyone suffering from and eating disorder. Please, do not buy into that whole Starvation Mode Theory. I know that this is a big kicker for people wanting to recover but are afraid that if they go back to 'normal eating habits' they will gain all their weight back. NOT TRUE! Recovery is a slow and steady process. There are ups and downs but you will not wake up the next day (or months down the road) the same weight as when you started on the ED Path. Please don't listen to this theory and don't be scared to take the appropriate steps to recover. Living a life free from negative ED self talk is so much more fulfilling! beautifulldisaster311, I wish you all the best and I know that you have the strength to recover.

 

You don't have to be sickly thin to be anorexic (or bulimic).  I'm no doctor, but if you went to one they'd probably say "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified".  I was doing the same as you when I was in 6th grade, and my mom being a mom brought me to the doctor and I explained my routine by wipping out my journal...that is what the doctor told me.  I was diagnosed with Anorexia w. Bulima Tendencies almost exactly a year later.  Now I'm a freshman in college.

Although I'm not one to preech, because I do the same thing as you (restrict, but not nearly as much as I used to) it's not healthy (duh) and it is a high risk for developing a diagnosed eating disorder.  I personally think that a 2000 calorie per day diet is insane and I don't understand how someone can eat that much food each day (seriously).

I think you're a great weight but if you lost less I might be a bit concerned that your restricting went a bit to far.  Focus more on looking good physically (like the way you look in the mirror, how your clothes fit, etc) versus numbers - I'm working on that myself. :)

Also look up 'negative calorie foods' and try to incoorporate those into your diet, it's like a peace of mind to be eating something that burns cal's versus adding to them.

be strong.