Will someone please help me

I have lost over 100 lbs.  I am totally in love with my boyfriend and he loves me also.  We have been together about a year and a half, things are great.  Now that the weather is getting warmer, he is looking at skinny half naked girls walking around the clubs, etc trying to talk and flirt with him.  He is the reason I lost weight to begin with because put it this way, he is pretty much a local celebrity, and I knew he would never want to be with someone who is overweight.  He has motivated me in so many ways.  I dont want you all to bash him and tell me he isnt worth it, because I have been losing weight since 2006 and working towards my goal of 150 lbs.  I am 5'9".  I have 50 more lbs to go and recently he has told me that my weight is an issue with him, because he finds himself lusting after these other (skinny) girls.  He said he doesnt want to pressue me to lose weight and he doesnt want me doing it for him, he wants me to lose weight for myself, which I have.  However, at first I just took it as more motivation to look sexy and be the "star" he is looking for since he is basically well-known here and the whole local celebrity thing, with groupie girls and all.  Girls literally throw themselves at him.  Things were going good after the discussion and I have been losing weight daily, but tonight he started acting real funny.  I asked him what is wrong, he said that he is just in a poor mood and he will be fine.  I have a gut feeling my weight is still bothering him.  I hate to lose the man I love cause of my weight.  He said its a constant fight with himself cause he got these tiny half naked girls throwing themselves at him and he gets mad because I dont got that body yet and its hard for him when the temptation is there...I just dont know what to do anymore.  Im so hurt

hey, i just read your post and i dont know what to say except: wow well done for loosing all this weight and looking after yourself. you look pretty.

i dont want to give you the whole 'relationships are not just looks, skinny has nothing to do with character, it is an excuse..' blah blah b/c it wont make you feel any better right now. but i still wanted to reply and tell you that i hope it is going to be ok :-)

Original Post by toughjourney:

because he finds himself lusting after these other (skinny) girls.

If my boyfriend ever said he was "lusting after other girls" you can bet that would be enough for me to be done with that relationship.

No shi* your hurt. That must hurt like crazy. But I doubt your ok with him "lusting".

I'd really rethink dating him.

But that is just what I would do.

Thank you, but Im just not that strong.  I never ever loved anyone like I love him.  I honestly feel he is the one.  Am I stupid?

I'm going to try to be nice about this, because i tend to be very stubborn and hard with guy issues. seriously i think you need to take a good look at this relationship. are you happy having someone tell you he is on the verge of cheating on you b/c he thinks you're a little overweight? i would not be. its more of a self respect issue to me, you have to be number one to yourself before you are going to be anyone else's number one. and no offense meant at all, but from the sound of your post, it sounds like this all-star boyfriend is your number one. i dont care if he is justin timberlake, you should be treated like a princess. there are always going to be people out there who are more beautiful, skinnier, smarter etc etc etc than us, this should not be the determining factor in any relationship. what man wouldnt want adriana lima? its about the fact that they love you so much that they are willing to sacrifice not hooking up with other girls, whether they are better looking or skinnier or not. also, guys can sense a lack of self confidence in a girl, and many of them prey on it. one of my very best friends is a beautiful girl, but lacked self confidence and last year had her heart broken by this guy who she thought was "too good for her". all of us on the outside could clearly see if anything she was too good for him. he sensed her lack of confidence and used it against her. not all guys are as nice as they seem, they can be deceptive and manipulative. just be careful, and make sure you love yourself first and foremost. you'll always be with yourself no matter what, so you should come first.

It sounds as though you were heavy when you met him.  Was he such a "celebrity" then?

I don't understand when a guy will take you as you are,  but just as you are about to shake things up and become the person he thinks you should be, he suddenly starts to lose interest.

Granted it can't be easy to be in his shoes.  But temptation is cheap and the girls he thinks are so hot now are even cheaper.

I wonder if his sudden interest is really about weight at all.  I mean, if you don't have confidence in yourself, he might be finding the confidence that these girls seem to have as being attractive.  But clod heads abound and he might be interpreting his interest as a weight thing.

But never mind all of that.  It takes a real man to love a real woman.  i think he has not grown up yet.  This is no reflection on you.  It is a well known fact that men reach maturity more slowly than women.

I don't know if he is looking for reassurance from you or if he is a genuine jerk.  But no matter what you do, be straight up and let him know you won't take any disrespect.  Honestly this might shake him off your tree or make him hold on tight.  Neither one of us will know which until you try it.

The point is - be true to yourself.  Speaking as a woman who has had a few "love of her life" lovers, I know that that love is only as good as the moment you are living.  If he does not treat you right and you still "love" him, then you don't love yourself enough.  If you love yourself and know you are more valuable than cheap groupie gold, your boyfriend will not look quite so attractive to you.

Keep your head about you.  Don't allow his own lack of character to impede on the new life you are making for yourself. 

Set your goals and vow to surround yourself only with the people than support your efforts to get there.  YOU are number one in your life.  If you put anyone a head of that the only thing that will come of it is a loss of self and self worth.

if you have done so much for him by losing weight, as we all know it's tough, so don't you think you deserve a bit of gratitude from him??

honestly you deserve someone who will love you for you and not for what you look like. this relationship sounds very one sided. Does he take you out to nice places or treat you how you should be treated?? does he do things to the same extent as you going to that step of losing weight?

just have a think about it if you are truly happy.

However on a different note i'd like to say congrats on losing weight and being healthy, you've done well, you look GREAT!!

ah hun---Your really sexy and really cute---guys will be fallin all over themselves for you....really...really!!!!!!!!!! You look amazing..

The only thing that I'm thinking is you choose who you love and if this is what you want then stay. You need to make sure your also communicating your feelings, let him know he has hurt you..Sure he can think whatever he wants but it doesn't sound like he loves you..if he loved you he wouldn't be saying hurtful things--he would be keepin them to himself...And this is also your choice--You choose to stay--and you choose to hear his words---this ball is always in your court---and if you choose to stay you have no choice but to suck it up and take it...but if you leave--you make a bold stand for what you deserve...

I dont need to bash this guy - his behavoir speaks for itself. He's made it overwhelming clear to you that:
"... he finds himself lusting after these other (skinny) girls"
"... its a constant fight with himself cause he got these tiny half naked girls throwing themselves at him "
"... he gets mad because I dont got that body yet"
"... its hard for him when the temptation is there"

Yet he claims "he doesnt want to pressue me to lose weight and he doesnt want me doing it for him, he wants me to lose weight for myself"

No pressure?
I want you to know if I havent already, Im likely to cheat on you because youre not a certain weight but no pressure, not from me. 
Uh-huh. 

What would you tell your sister or girlfriend of a guy pulling this bull on them? 
1. Lose the weight - then you'll deserve him and another excuse reason for him to cheat wont come up? 
2. Yes it hurts but youll get used to coping with a guy who makes you feel badly about yourself and warns you of the likelinees of being unfaithful to you?
3. You lost 100 lbs - youre stronger than you think and you will feel this wild about someone else who deserves you?

This guy doesnt have the exclusive on the qualities that attracted you to him.  Im thinking it was more than he was a local celeb.  Just because you've not met them, there are other guys with such qualities who are loving enough to never purposely make their girlfriend feel insecure.  Maybe you've dated some of them before, even if not one yet with the chemistry this guy stirs in you. 

Meet his weight requirement and watch the other hoops that replace it for you to jump through to deserve him as opposed to other woman he can 'get'.  Funnier, smarter, prettier, more confident - theres always a way a guy like this can define another girl as being "better" when theyre not that into you.  Make way for the guys who are so you can find the one your that into too!

If you do lose the weight, it will have no impact on his amount of lust for other girls.  He's lusting after them now, and that isn't going to change.  The only thing that can change is his perspective--either you are worth the fidelity, or he wants to sow his seeds.  I'm not sure weight loss is going to change that.

I'm so sorry you are hurt.  Just know that this isn't your fault.  You're doing an AMAZING thing that takes guts, effort, pain, discomfort, commitment, and plain chutzpah.  It's very impressive, and I'm totally inspired by it. 

If I was you, I would talk to him about it.  Let him know that you are hurt, and ask him any questions you have.  It's best to act when you have all the facts.

I dont think there is anything wrong with the guy.... i actually think he is being very honest and is a lot better than most guys.....

He is with you because he obviously likes YOU (your personality or whatever else non-physical). But.... he is having trouble finding a strong physical attraction it seems (relationships are part physical, part mental....i dont think its too much to want to be with someone you are attracted to?)

He is being honest with you. He is saying there is a problem physically.... (but, because he really likes YOU, he hasnt just picked up someone he is more attracted to). Its a hard sittuation! Would you people rather the guy just doesnt say anything and pretend there isnt a problem? Or maybe just move on without trying to make an attempt to fix things and work it out so everyone is happy?

He shouldnt expect you to change overnight though.... and its a little strange that he is asking you to go towards a state that you werent when you met (afterall, if he didnt like what he saw in the first place....why did he start the relationship?).

Everyone wants to be with someone they are attracted to. If I was with someone and they told me that I was slipping and not really that attractive to them anymore....i would hope they would do the same thing he is doing and let me know about it (and give me a chance to fix it). If it were something major outside of what i was willing to do (like a huge body builder), well, then the relationship would end. But asking to be in decent shape isnt such a huge request (and its something i would want for myself too).

Same the other way around. If i was with someone and they werent so attractive to me anymore (like gaining a lot of weight, or i realized there was a problem, like they didnt shower enough or their breath stank and it bugged me a lot), i would say something also. I would hope that person would WANT to make themselves better for my sake.

The person might be the best kindest person in the world....but when the attraction of a romantic relationship leaves....so does the "romantic" part. You know what society calls a relationship when this happens? Friends.

Oh well, sounds like he is a nice guy that has found himself in a hard sittuation. Stuck between wanting to be with you....but also wanting to be in a relationship where he is physically engaged...

He's useless.  No sense beating around the bush.

I was just looking at your gallery, and girl, you look GOOD!  I'd die to have legs like that :) 

My question to you is, and please don't get insulted, are you slightly blinded by the fact that he's a local "celebrity", and don't want to lose the "pride" of being the one to date him?  If he was just a "normal" guy, would you be putting up with this shxt? 

My questions to him would be - why did you start dating me in the first place?  Have your feelings changed since then?

Honestly, if he's going to cheat on you because he doesn't like the way you look now (which sounds like where it's heading), are you going to put up with the cheating and the self-esteem bashing until you're a weight HE'S happy with!?

I agree with Meima.  He sounds very superficial to me.  In my experience, if someone truly loves you they will want to be with you at ANY size. Be good to yourself and dump him.  Then you can find a man who will treat you with the love and respect you so much deserve.  You look fantastic and should be proud of your accomplishments. The goals you have already reached should tell you that you are a strong, beautiful woman and you can do 100% better than him. 

This guy sounds like a total ass. 

How old are you both, out of interest?

lose the loser!!

Hun, no matter wat size u are gorjuz and he is just holding you bak.. lose him and find a real man who loves you completely and for the person u are!!

Good luck your doing great!!!

P.S. Trust me... your a stronger person than you think!!

OK-  just looked at your pics and you're gorgeous, and...... FUN!!, and come such a long way in your journey.  Now it's time to re-define yourself.  You don't need him; you acutally don't need anyone to help you stay on track.  You've come so far.  You know what to do.  I bet you'd be surprised what your capable without him.

If this guy was really attracted to "tiny" girls; he would have gone for one instead of you.  But he didn't.  So maybe this is his excuse for wanting something different on the menu.  Like a fling to experience another piece of meat.  I know this is harsh-  but my DH explained to me that men sometimes seek physical satisfaction other then their significant other just to do it.  Maybe he's in a funk and blaming you.  Maybe he's insecure and is taking it out on your insecurities.  Bottom line is that this works two ways.  If he wants a skinny girl-  that's fine-  but don't wait around for him.  I know you love him.  And this is something so much easier said than done.  But you're worth so much more.  Instead of him emotionally berating you about your weight loss; he should be showing you off.

Like lorik said-  at least he's being honest with you that he's not happy in the relationship.  That's HIM.  not YOU, and NO ONE has the power to change anyone else except themselves.  So he can have his skinny girls; but he can't eat the cake too.  Ah men.   You just want to punch them in the neck. sometimes.

I think that there is nothing wrong with "looking" and admiring human beauty. But there is a BIG difference between "looking" and "lusting", and it has nothing to do with being skinny. He clearly doesn't deserve you! And on top of everything esle he is smashing your confidence with his "lusting-skinny-girls" remarks.

Girl, you've come such a long way and achived such enormous results, you look freaking AWSOME, and now you need to learn how to LOVE YOURSELF! I realize, that no matter how many people will tell you that he doesn't desrve you, you will not leave him just like that. But, you have to understand, that UNLESS you will learn how to be stong and proud and in love with YOURSELF, you will not be able to get his undivided attention. That's the way it works with those kind of people.

Show him the confidence and you'll see how things will turn around. And I strongly believe, once you get confident you will see for yourself that you don't need him.

Don't grow up allowing your happiness to be dependant on another's perception of your looks.

Fifth sentence starts as "He is the reason I lost weight to begin with.............." 

Hmm.  I don't like the way this picture is being painted.  YOU need to be the reason for YOU to lose weight; not him!   That would come as a bonus of weight loss, not the main reason.  You're going to rock some mans world probably sooner than you think.  Don't be surprised if it's not his.

lose him and that's probably..what 180 pounds gone right there??? 

Original Post by sun123:

 What would you tell your sister or girlfriend of a guy pulling this bull on them? 

You beat me to it. 

I would tell my sister or girlfriend that she deserves to be treated like a queen. 

Blaming someone else for your own wandering eye is weak.  If he's not physically attracted to you he should discuss his feelings in a respectful, loving way.  He's threatening to cheat and blaming your weight (one of the worst insecurities a girl can have) which, to me, is emotional abuse.  

You are beautiful.  Now how about picking that self-esteem up off the floor, dusting it off and trying it out.   Let him know that he's lucky to be with you and that you're the celebrity in the relationship.