Will someone please help me

I have lost over 100 lbs.  I am totally in love with my boyfriend and he loves me also.  We have been together about a year and a half, things are great.  Now that the weather is getting warmer, he is looking at skinny half naked girls walking around the clubs, etc trying to talk and flirt with him.  He is the reason I lost weight to begin with because put it this way, he is pretty much a local celebrity, and I knew he would never want to be with someone who is overweight.  He has motivated me in so many ways.  I dont want you all to bash him and tell me he isnt worth it, because I have been losing weight since 2006 and working towards my goal of 150 lbs.  I am 5'9".  I have 50 more lbs to go and recently he has told me that my weight is an issue with him, because he finds himself lusting after these other (skinny) girls.  He said he doesnt want to pressue me to lose weight and he doesnt want me doing it for him, he wants me to lose weight for myself, which I have.  However, at first I just took it as more motivation to look sexy and be the "star" he is looking for since he is basically well-known here and the whole local celebrity thing, with groupie girls and all.  Girls literally throw themselves at him.  Things were going good after the discussion and I have been losing weight daily, but tonight he started acting real funny.  I asked him what is wrong, he said that he is just in a poor mood and he will be fine.  I have a gut feeling my weight is still bothering him.  I hate to lose the man I love cause of my weight.  He said its a constant fight with himself cause he got these tiny half naked girls throwing themselves at him and he gets mad because I dont got that body yet and its hard for him when the temptation is there...I just dont know what to do anymore.  Im so hurt

I really don't have anything to add but this:

I met "THE ONE" many years ago and we are about to celebrate 26 years of marriage.  In that time, we have both changed from the 20-somethings we were at the time, but real love, sustaining love transcends those changes.  If you are having attraction issues now, then he is definitely not "THE ONE" and you should lose the jerk and find someone who deserves you.  I understand being attracted to other people, I am even now and so is my husband, but it's not the same as acting on that attraction and it's certainly unfair and I think it's downright cruel to threaten your partner with other people like that.  If he's going to give in to temptation then you don't need him!!!!!  You are a beautiful girl and you have made great progress, but you shouldn't do it for him.  You should do it for yourself.  If I have learned anything about long term relationships, it's that you shouldn't become so much of a couple that you lose your individuality.  When I was a young bride we had an elderly couple that lived next door.  They were such a sweet couple, but when he passed away she was totally lost.  She didn't know what to do with herself and I swore at that time that I wouldn't let that happen to me and I haven't.  Please keep yourself and don't let this man mold you into what he thinks you should be.  There are great guys out there.  Give yourself a chance to find one who will deserve you!

I don't think honesty is always the best policy. I'm sure my boyfriend checks other chicks out (ok, I know he does.) That's fine. Luckily, he has the maturity not to tell me all about how restrained he is in not flirting with them. That's just totally unneccesary. Whining to you about his attraction to other girls is immature. Part of a relationship is forefeiting playing the field because what you value your partner more. I bet he wouldn't be happy if you told him you were lusting after other guys and got angry at him for not being perfect, and wished you could be with someone else...?

Also, he might say he wants you to lose weight for yourself. But it sounds like empty words. He really wants you to lose weight for him so that he feels better about being with you. I'd lose him and find someone who loves who you are now.

Wow.. that has got to be hard.  I'm sorry you're dealing with such a tough situation.  You can look at this in a couple of ways:

1.  You will lose the weight, he will be way attracted to you and never have a problem with the other girls... but then you will always hold it against him because he couldn't accept you for who you were.  Might end up causing a lot of tension in the relationship.

2.  You don't lose the weight, he will end up staying with you and being unhappy, because afterall, he wants you to look like the girls that are going after him. 

3.  You lose the weight and he starts picking on other things you need to "fix" like maybe he wants you to be burnette, wear heals, come home at 9pm every night and fix his dinner... etc.

4.  You don't lose the weight, he gets distant from you because he's just not attracted and you suspect him of cheating (whether he is or not) and then you guys end up breaking up because of the tension.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is:  this is not going to end good.  I understand you love him and it's hard to end a relationship with someone that can easily find someone else.... I know that's harsh, but it seems that with his "celebrity status" and all, he can easily have a rebound which will cause even more pain for you... but you need to decide what is right for you.  Constantly struggling to be approved by your significant other is going to drive you insane!

My suggestion... go to couples counseling.  If he is willing, I think you guys may be able to work through this issue and if not, then you know what was meant to happen.

I wish you the best of luck!!

What I don't get is why you're so wrapped up in him being a celebrity. So what?! So what if he's desired and he has tiny girls throwing themselves at him...If he loves you and wants you, he will be faithful.

Your weight may be an issue, but if you truly love someone, you're honest about it (as he has been), then you support the person on their way to their goals.

Does he support you by eating healthy with you, and going exercising with you? Is he involved in a healthy path that will help lead you to weight loss? Or is he leaving that entirely up to you, and then harping on you about losing weight because he wants you to look like the tiny girls around him?

Ask yourself if you think losing weight is the thing that will make him happy with you, or if he's always going to find some way to make you feel less than.

Ask yourself what you would do in his position (you were popular, with tons of people around you, but you loved someone and weren't as attracted to them as you would be if they were thin). Would you flaunt the fact that you have other dudes stalking you, or would you support your sweetie with kind words and actions?

Is he doing what you would do for him?

I had to weigh in on this because I think I have a totally different take on this (sorry) enormous jerk than most others who have replied.

You say you have been together for a year and a half - and you've lost over 100 lbs (CONGRATULATIONS, btw) - I know this must have happened during the time that you've been together (you even mention he was a motivating reason for the loss).

All this said - he started dating you when you were heavy.  Now that you're thin, he's backing off.  Um - control issue?  Insecurity issue?  I think he felt in power and secure when you were heavy.  Now that you are HOT, he's feeling insecure.

It's not you, it's him.  And if he's the problem, it's not going to change with anything you do.  I am so sorry - I know you love him, but you need to be loved and appreciated by someone who both loves you - AND has their own stuff together.  It can't be a good relationship unless you have this combination.

Best of luck - keep up with your own personal goals for yourself - you will be the better person for it.

Let me start off by saying you are GORGEOUS!

I agree with schnooder. If my boyfriend ever said things like that to me, I would drop him in a second. Either this guy is a) Truthful about possibly cheating on you or, b) Just lying that he is being tempted to make you feel bad and to boost his self-esteem.

I'm sorry that you are attached to this man, but he does not appreciate you. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, and nothing less. No one here can help you, except give you advice to help yourself. Best of luck, and please update! :)

This is interesting.  From what I gather, he started dating you when you were heavy.  So, you have been changing, moving closer to the "thin girl" type he lusts after.

So, what's changed about him since you started dating?  Is his "celebrity status" new?  Is it something he'll always have or is it temporary?

I'm guessing you're both in your early to mid 20s?  Maybe he's realizing he's not ready to settle down and your weight is just an excuse.  Or, maybe he's interested in playing the field but doesn't want to lose you completely.  

Simple economics, the supply of women he has to choose from is high and it sounds like you're competing against a lot of other women.  On one hand, he values you as his girlfriend; on the other hand, he values the opportunity to have sex with lots of different "hot" women.  He's struggling to prioritize those values. Frankly, I think any normal male in their 20's would have a tough time with that one.

How do you regain the balance in your relationship?  He obviously values something about you that is preventing him from breaking it off.  Remember, a relationship is a sort of trade, value for value.  Each partner should feel they're better off with their partner than on their own.  In this case, it sounds like he's got a lot more leverage than you do.  Find out what you need to do to keep him and then decide if it's worth it to you.  If the celebrity is temporary, he may be crawling back to you someday, then you'll have the leverage.  :)

If he really loved you he wouldn't be lusting...... You're weight is probably not the only problem in the relationship, just an easy way out.... He's been with you since you were heavier why mention other girls now?? So what if he is a 'local celeb'?? If he wants to be with you some minor celeb status should not change that. It is great you are losing the weight, but if he's not with you  for you personally, why are you with him at all??

Thank you everyone for keeping me strong.  To answer the question on how old we are, I will be 29 in two months and he is 32. 

You are correct that he has been dating me when I was heavier.  We became the closest friends when we first me, then he said he noticed I was losing weight and became attracted to me, so thats why we started dating. 

I just keep telling myself I need to take this one day at a time, but I KNOW I need to focus on myself first.  I have been eating more and I think its because I been depressed...I hate to step on the scale, becaue I did gain about 20 lbs over the winter.  I need to get back on track and continue working on my goal to reach 150 lbs.

Getting back on track will help you with everything including your own self worth and confidence!!!  That confidence will trickle down to all aspects of your life and can only help!!!

You have done really well and know that your goals are acheivable, not always easy, but acheivable!!!!!   Keep up the good work and trust your instincts!!!

 PS Obviously typing and spelling are not my strong points: achievable

dont say u r not strong !!!! cause then even if u r strong u'll convince urself that u arent ........ every1 deserves a person who loves them for what they actually are ... and u did so much for the guy ((loosing 100lbs aint no joke )) and u still dont feel secure ...... u deserve a guy who makes u feel secure 

put your foot down ... the 1st few weeks are hard .... but then ... it'll all be alright 

My husband of 33 yrs has never liked heavy (i'm being nice) he says fat. So here I am fat and 50. doesn't matter that for 25 yrs I was a size 5- 10 but illness meds and older do stuff. Now  my side, he went bald at 30 didn't I say anything other then honey, it dont' matter.  I know he doesn't like it that I'm fat and I try, it has been difficult the last 10 yrs.  I think he's shallow. But I'm trying to drop weight for me. I'm also finishing my 3 degree, make yourself happy, don't count on a man to do it. Honey you are strong, I think you are heading for pain with this one. Congratulations on your accomplishment. Your pictue is pretty,  hugs.

Original Post by kathygator:

Don't grow up allowing your happiness to be dependant on another's perception of your looks.

I love that you said this.  I think many girls' and womens' lives are controlled/ruined by their being completely tied up in how others perceive them.  For many of us, including the OP since she is 29, it may be too late.  We are so used to overvaluing others perceptions of us (about looks as well as other things like behaviours) -- it is a struggle to unlearn this.

I married a guy who is not only extremely gorgeous but also ended up being a local celebrity of sorts (lead singer in a popular local band).  Women throwing themselves at him and everything.  I, on the other hand, had children, gained weight with both of them, and ended up being frump-zilla.  I'm sure many of those girls would sit there and scratch their heads at why he ignored them and fawned over me.

I want to tell you that in spite of the fact that my husband could probably have his pick, he still thinks I am the sun to his earth.  I am his "definition" of what is beautiful and attractive.  Does he notice hot girls?  I'm sure he does!  But I know for a fact he takes the responsibility for his own thoughts and doesn't place the blame on me or my weight.  He doesn't dwell on them... which IMO is the difference between *noticing* and *lusting.*

According to him, I "hung the moon."  I say all this to tell you this that it IS possible to be with a man who loves you for YOU and won't flip out with some weight gain.  I think one of the hardest things for me when I committed to marrying him was wondering if he would still love me in spite of an inevitable weight gain when I had children.  Because truth be told, everyone changes as they get older and it isn't usually for the better, physically speaking.  Even if I'd managed to avoid the weight gain I'd still end up wrinkly, saggy, etc.  I'd still have stretchmarks from having babies.  There's no way I'm going to look like I'm 20 forever.

You deserve to have a man who will love you and focus on ONLY you in spite of all that.  They are out there, I promise.