i did something today I thought I would NEVER get the chance to do...now how do i feel about it?

My son is going to be 15 in August. To make a really long story short, his father has never had anything to do with him since he was a month old. I have tried over and over throughout the years to get him to want to be there for my son, but it never happened. His father and I got together when I was 15 and I had our son at 17. It wasnt the best relationship in the world because he cheated ALOT and lied and whatever. He broke my heart really bad. When I finally had the courage to leave him I found out 3 days later I was pregnant. He begged me to have our son and I am not gonna lie, I didnt want to. i was a senior in high school and had my whole life ahead of me. But I decided to have him and do the best I could. Anyway the day my son was born his father cried and cried and then proposed. At first i said yes, then I went home and realized I do not want to marry this man, he slept with my friends, he lied he ruined me. So I told him no. He said its all or nothing, marry me or I will have nothing to do with you or Kodie. I didnt believe him but he was serious. He had nothing to do with us. Well I have been hurting for 15 years over this, not as a broken hearted ex girlfriend, but as a devastated mother. I couldnt comprehend how he could be this way. I searched all over the US trying to find him with no luck. He dissappeared. His child support was over 60,000 past due and still adding up. My son started asking questions as he got older and I never bad mouthed his father to this day, i just said he wasnt ready to be a dad at that time. My son has been hurt over this for years. Well in January of this year I received a phone call from his father and we talked about things and he says he has changed and he made the biggest mistake in his life and can I ever let him be a dad to Kodie. We had a hard time working through our problems but we did. He came into town in March and met Kodie. They are so alike it is scary. kodie was sooooo happy to meet his dad. But then his dad went back to AZ. They continued talking on the phone and by email but Kodie wanted more from him. I told Kodie he has his life out there and you are here and he can come visit bla bla bla. Well last week his dad called us and said guess what? i am in Buffalo and I am here to stay. He got a job, a place to live and surprised Kodie by moving here. He left everything behind to come here and be a father to his son. They are both so happy to be together it makes my cry. he has been paying his child supprt every week since January and I believe he really has changed ALOT. I mean 15 years is a long time. Now I am scared my son is going to like him better than me...is that silly? I dropped my son off at his house this morning and left them to be alone for the first time EVER! i never thought that day would come and here it is and I am a cry baby. I am afraid he is going to want to live with his dad. Anyone help me??? Sorry so long.

:(

I am not feeling the love today when I need it the most!!!! Where is everyone? doesnt anyone want to chat with me today???

That's wonderful that he turned around like that.. I'm sure your son will be excited about being around your dad at first... But, time will tell what is going to happen..  I don't think he'll want to go live with, maybe at first, but then the newness of the whole thing will wear off and he'll just be dad.. Your son is 15, and he'll be a legal adult soon, so, I'd just tell him to stay with you until he turns 18.  Not sure if that answers your question or not.. But, don't worry about it, youve done a great job and you'll be fine.

Be proud of yourself for how you have raised your child. He is not going to forget you! Even if he lives with his dad for a while -- and he might want to, just for the novelty of it if nothing else -- you're still his mom.

It's because of you that he can have a relationship with his now-changed, now-available father, and that is a great, great gift you have given him. However their relationship turns out, and that is for them to decide, that is between them, that you raised your son to make it possible, by refraining from badmouthing his dad, by letting his dad into his life, is wonderful.

I think it's natural to feel a little scared, but your son knows who raised him. You raised him well; have faith in him now as he goes through learning about his father.

Honey, a little patience! I know you need the love right now, but I needed time to wipe off my tears, blow my nose, and type!!!!

I never have patience...something I need to work onWhy the tears athena_taverner? I thought I was the only cry baby today.

It is natural to be scared, but you have done the right thing. At 15, I am sure Kodie has no idea how selfless and giving you are for making this possible for him but I am sure when he is older he will be very thankful for what you have done for him.

Let them develop their relationship slowly and protect Kodie's heart from being broken if it doesn't work out as planned. If he says he wants to live with his dad maybe offer to let him stay with his dad on the weekends or for one week each month during the summer. He is 15, so you may want to voice your feelings to him in a way that he would understand. Just keep talking to him. It has been just the two of you for 15 years so I imagine your bond to one another is VERY strong.

All my best...

Not all mothers mother so well as you have, and the gift you have given your son is... well, it brought tears to my eyes. It's a magnificent gift! If I could hand you a bouquet of roses, I would!

Thank you. I have never had to share him with anyone. It was so much harder than I thought dropping him off at his dads house this morning. He isnt a baby, but I am very protective of him and I didnt want to let him go. I know I have to and they need to build their own relationship, but I am nervous.

awe thanks for the thought of roses athena_taverner! It is nice to hear people say I did the right thing because alot of people in my family disagree with my decision to allow him to be a part of his life. I believe my son is old enough to decide what type of relationship he would like with his dad and I would never deprive him of that.  I think the fact that he moved all the way across the country to be with him, admitted his faults, apologized and is trying to do the right thing for his son says alot about who he is now. I am not going to hold against him the things that happened when we were teenagers, this is about our son now, not us. The three of us had lunch together on Saturday and it was really nice. I wanted to show Kodie that we can all be frineds and there are no hard feelings between us. I didnt want Kodie to think he was hurting me in anyway by spending time with his dad. So we hung out together and I think Kodie feels more comfortable now. He doesnt have to feel guilty about me. Believe me the relationship with his father has alot to do with who I am today. it made me stronger and wiser and most importantly a mother.

KC, I knew someone with almost the exact same story.  Her husband left her while she was in the hospital having their son.  He didn't want anything to do with the child and wouldn't pay child support and just like your guy, had a change of heart when the child got old enough to do "fun" things with.  He lavished gifts on the son and neat trips etc.  Children can be bought, Lol, The son did end up going to live with the father.....However, his mother was like you and never bad mouthed the father and one day the son realized or remember the times his mother could barely afford to feed them and he ask, "Where were you when I needed you?"  and he resumed his relationship with his mother - he kept his father in his life as well, but the point is, he realized on his own that although he was blessed to have his father in his life, His mother had been there all along and was truley his "parent".  

oh vthompson I hope my son realizes all we have been through and that I have been there all along. I want him to have a relationship with his dad but I just dont want him to be like WOW he is cool I like my dad and wanna live with him. I think there is a good chance of that happening, but I am hoping not.

I don't have children (yet), but I think it's totally naturaly to be feeling this way and I could imagine feeling the exact same way.  Try to look at the bigger picture and be happy that your son has formed such a great relationship with his father so quickly.  A lot of people in this situation would be bitter and it doesn't seem that your son is being that way.  It's great that he can have such a positive relationship with his father, even if he was MIA for the first 15 years.

You're the best mom in the world.  I work for a family law attorney and have for 21 years this September.  Our primary practice is custody.  You are 100% on target with your feelings and I can assure you your son will benefit from your selfless act.  He deserves to know his father.  Did I understand he is about the same age you were at the time you met his father? became involved with his father?  Again on target with the fact that 15 years will change a person.  The father did after all move to where his son is living.  That speaks volumes.  Your having lunch and showing your son that you can all be friends is also award winning.  You my hero mom.  From experience I can tell you not many mothers (or fathers for that matter)  would have done the same.  It was a very selfless act and you should be very proud of yourself.  Whether it works out or not you should still get the Mother of the Year Award. 

Oh wow, you are amazing.  And doing the right thing for your son.  And amazing.  Wow. 

Sons and moms have a special relationship that will be there for you two no matter what happens.  Hang in there.

I love you guys! You all make me feel so much better. It is nice to hear that I am a good mom. I try to be no matter what life throws at me. My kids and their happiness all come first in my life no matter what. I really believe this is a good thing and I am glad I could get over my bitter feelings towards his father. I had them for years, although I kept them to myself. The hatred I felt was such a burden on me and exhausting and we finally had the chance to work things out I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I dont have to hate him anymore or feel resentful anymore. He made a BIG mistake but is working on righting his wrong. Thanks for all the support.

Fellow Buffalonian here (although I grew up in St. Louis). 

My mom and dad got divorced when I was 6.  I did get to see him and he did call occasionally, so it wasn't quite the same as it was with your son, but it was similar.

For a long time, I liked my dad more because he was the "fun" parent.  He never punished us because we only saw him once or twice a year.  He never yelled, he never made us to any of the things that my mom made me do.  I actually thought about moving to Buffalo to live with him when I was about 14.  Ironically I did move up here, but not until I was 23 (I wanted to get to know him and my step-family better and I had already moved out the St. Louis, so I know my mom wouldn't see it as a blow to her).

And then I stopped being a teenager and realized how much my mom was just trying to help and how much she sacraficed for me. 

So basically, what I'm saying, is that for awhile he might be all about his dad because he is just getting to know him.  As a male teenager, this is probably going to consume his life for awhile. But no matter how much it seems like he is leaving you behind, he will be back.  You can't throw away 15 yrs.  Give him some time to be with his dad.  He will recognize that and be extremely grateful for it later in his life.  And trust me, nothing can replace the love of a mom.

thanks abeckert. u live in Buffalo now?

Yep, I live in the "lovely" neighboorhood of Black Rock.  I used to live in Allentown (loved it!!!!!!), but I decided to move in with my bf.

Wow. What an amazing story. You and Kodie are very lucky. Most women would not be as graceful as you to accept that his father has changed and allow him in. It does seem like he has changed and you are being a wonderful mother to allow Kodie and his father to build a relationship. I am happy that he is helping with the child support now too, that is wonderful.

I can't imagine the things you are feeling. If it comes up that Kodie may want to move, hopefully you and his father can explain to him that it's best for now that he continue to live with you and spend time with dad. They still have so much bonding and growing to do as father and son.

You are a wonderful parent, Kodie is very lucky to have 2 involved parents now! What a blessing!