something wrong with me?

Okay, warning, this is a vent! 

I just can't stop these thoughts though, so here goes.  Any advice appreciated.  I am 24, and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 19.  People always tell me I'm very pretty, I am outgoing, I work out a lot (am in a run club and a co-ed dodgeball league).  My sister is very introverted and hardly speaks to my family so my parents are always telling me I am such a sweet, nice, happy person they love being around.  But I cannot for the life of me get a boyfriend.  My friends always say "oh it will happen when its meant to" yada yada. but you know what? I am sick of waiting, I am an adult, and I've never had a real adult relationship and it is driving me crazy.  I am LITERALLY my only friend that has never had a bf.  

I get LOTS of dates.  I moved to my current city in November and have easily been out with 15 guys.  Some I don't like off the bat.  Then some I do, and things seem like they are going well and around 3-4 weeks, maybe a little longer they just lose interest.  I am just so upset over this that I can't even take it anymore.  I'm happy with other aspects of my life but this has been dominating my thoughts for the last year or so.  

I start questioning myself, my background, everything.  I wonder if guys think I'm anal, or stuck up, or overly chatty? because its not that I have the problem meeting guys, or getting the dates like I said, it is actually getting to the relationship point that I fail at.

Help me!

Do you have male friends? I have found that dating can be a lot of fun, but all of my serious relationships started out as friendships first, that naturally evolved into something more. In fact, as I am thinking about my friends who are married, engaged, or in long term relationships all but one couple (who met through eHarmony) started out as friends first.

Alright, everyone else is dancing around the issue:

Do you bang 'em?

It's gonna be a rare, low self-esteem guy today who will put up with a woman who holds outs with sex for anything longer than a few weeks. Well, LSE, or REALLY religious... or with a couple other girls on the side.

Original Post by hatamoto:

Alright, everyone else is dancing around the issue:

Do you bang 'em?

It's gonna be a rare, low self-esteem guy today who will put up with a woman who holds outs with sex for anything longer than a few weeks. Well, LSE, or REALLY religious... or with a couple other girls on the side.

I wasn't going to go that far... but is there ANY kind of physical relationship? 

Maybe they lose interest because they feel they don't have a physical connection (not just sex, i mean anything even hand holding and general affection)?

I'm sure there's nothing "wrong" with you -- you seem like a wonderful person!  You'll find it when you're not looking! ;D

Original Post by hatamoto:

Alright, everyone else is dancing around the issue:

Do you bang 'em?

It's gonna be a rare, low self-esteem guy today who will put up with a woman who holds outs with sex for anything longer than a few weeks. Well, LSE, or REALLY religious... or with a couple other girls on the side.

   A few weeks?  Are you kidding me?  If a guy can't hold out for a few weeks, then he's got way more issues than the OP should have to deal with.  

Original Post by peaches0405:

Original Post by hatamoto:

Alright, everyone else is dancing around the issue:

Do you bang 'em?

It's gonna be a rare, low self-esteem guy today who will put up with a woman who holds outs with sex for anything longer than a few weeks. Well, LSE, or REALLY religious... or with a couple other girls on the side.

   A few weeks?  Are you kidding me?  If a guy can't hold out for a few weeks, then he's got way more issues than the OP should have to deal with.  

I couldn't agree more.  But what about simple physical connection like hand holding or a good night kiss or even a hug?  I know if I went on a 5th date with a guy and didn't get a good night kiss or even a hug I'd be sad/worried :\

seriously--i would not even CONSIDER having sex with a guy who I have not known for at least 3 months, and dating for at least 6 weeks.  No exceptions.  I have never dated anyone who has had an objection to that. 

Heh, you're looking for some rarified men then. I know people in most every corner of north america and none of them would continue to develop a relationship if after a month there was nothing going on. There's just too many women out there who have less sexual hangups and restrictions for a guy to waste his time otherwise.

Maybe in the flyover states it's different, I dunno. Or maybe generational.

Edit: Just to point out what's obvious to me but maybe not so much for others - I don't think you're evil if you want to wait to have sex for a year or however long it is your conscience dictates... what I'm saying is that modern men need not have to endure the withholding of sex as leverage into a relationship these days, because women don't feel like they have to dangle the promise of eventual sex as a carrot. One of the upsides to feminism.

I don't necessarily have sex with them, but there is definitely a sexual aspect to things.  The most recent one I've been on 5 dates with, and he slept over my apt last weekend, things seemed good (there was not sex, but...ahem use your imagination) and since then I've barely heard a word from him.  I got a "hey, whats up" text on Tuesday night, which I followed up by inviting him to my run group on Wednesday, followed up by "I have a company outing at the game (red sox). but I would like to." THATS IT.  seriously? out of nowhere.  whereas before he was setting up the next date at the end of the night, following up the next day. 

ughhhh.

Original Post by thesuperbex:

Original Post by peaches0405:

Original Post by hatamoto:

Alright, everyone else is dancing around the issue:

Do you bang 'em?

It's gonna be a rare, low self-esteem guy today who will put up with a woman who holds outs with sex for anything longer than a few weeks. Well, LSE, or REALLY religious... or with a couple other girls on the side.

   A few weeks?  Are you kidding me?  If a guy can't hold out for a few weeks, then he's got way more issues than the OP should have to deal with.  

I couldn't agree more.  But what about simple physical connection like hand holding or a good night kiss or even a hug?  I know if I went on a 5th date with a guy and didn't get a good night kiss or even a hug I'd be sad/worried :\

I second this. Personally, I have never been comfortable with having actual sex with someone I did not know very well. I am not too tactful, so if things looked like they could be going in that direction, I used to just come right out and say "Just so you know, I don't bang dudes I just met. Don't get me wrong, I like sex, I just want to get to know you a bit better first" No one ever gave me a hard time over it, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't respect my comfort level either. In fact, I knew my husband was a keeper when he used a slightly nicer version of the same line on me.

Having said all this, I would still expect a kiss on the second date, if not sooner.

Original Post by dplatzer:

I don't necessarily have sex with them, but there is definitely a sexual aspect to things.  The most recent one I've been on 5 dates with, and he slept over my apt last weekend, things seemed good (there was not sex, but...ahem use your imagination) and since then I've barely heard a word from him.  I got a "hey, whats up" text on Tuesday night, which I followed up by inviting him to my run group on Wednesday, followed up by "I have a company outing at the game (red sox). but I would like to." THATS IT.  seriously? out of nowhere.  whereas before he was setting up the next date at the end of the night, following up the next day. 

ughhhh.

 Seems like he gave a fairly reasonable response. What did you text back?

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by dplatzer:

I don't necessarily have sex with them, but there is definitely a sexual aspect to things.  The most recent one I've been on 5 dates with, and he slept over my apt last weekend, things seemed good (there was not sex, but...ahem use your imagination) and since then I've barely heard a word from him.  I got a "hey, whats up" text on Tuesday night, which I followed up by inviting him to my run group on Wednesday, followed up by "I have a company outing at the game (red sox). but I would like to." THATS IT.  seriously? out of nowhere.  whereas before he was setting up the next date at the end of the night, following up the next day. 

ughhhh.

 Seems like he gave a fairly reasonable response. What did you text back?

I said "oh cool have fun". and I haven't heard from him since.  This is just a completely typical scenario of it.

Original Post by dplatzer:

Original Post by kathygator:

Seems like he gave a fairly reasonable response. What did you text back?

I said "oh cool have fun". and I haven't heard from him since.  This is just a completely typical scenario of it.

I suggest an experiment. The result of it may not be pleasing to you in the short term, but in the long run it'll be very valuable.

Find someone who you were going out with but it ended in this 'typical scenario'. Call him up, ask him out to coffee or (probably better) a drink, and ask him to be brutally honest about why it didn't work out. You may need to assure him that you won't react emotionally, nor hold it against him or hate him for what he says, just that you need to hear the honest truth without a bunch of politically correct bvllsh!t and weasel words.

It'll be a lot more useful than coming on here looking for support, or for people to say "He's just not that into you" or some other trite, uninformed guess which is the best people here are likely able to give you. Who knows, maybe you can get some insight to help you salvage this situation (presuming you want to).

Bonne chance!

Original Post by dplatzer:

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by dplatzer:

I don't necessarily have sex with them, but there is definitely a sexual aspect to things.  The most recent one I've been on 5 dates with, and he slept over my apt last weekend, things seemed good (there was not sex, but...ahem use your imagination) and since then I've barely heard a word from him.  I got a "hey, whats up" text on Tuesday night, which I followed up by inviting him to my run group on Wednesday, followed up by "I have a company outing at the game (red sox). but I would like to." THATS IT.  seriously? out of nowhere.  whereas before he was setting up the next date at the end of the night, following up the next day. 

ughhhh.

 Seems like he gave a fairly reasonable response. What did you text back?

I said "oh cool have fun". and I haven't heard from him since.  This is just a completely typical scenario of it.

 Perhaps you simply gave up too soon.

1. It's texting - not an ideal form of communication at best.

2. The fact that he said 'I would like to' after his explanation leads me to believe he means it. You could have said - 'cool. have fun. lemme know if you want to do something later in the week.' then the ball's in his court, and if he doesn't hit it back, you know you're done.

Next time - maybe pursue a little further before giving up. Men don't have any idea how you feel or what you want unless you give them a hint, you know?

If you really are starting to worry about how you're presenting: do what Hata said.

Original Post by peaches0405:

Original Post by hatamoto:

Alright, everyone else is dancing around the issue:

Do you bang 'em?

It's gonna be a rare, low self-esteem guy today who will put up with a woman who holds outs with sex for anything longer than a few weeks. Well, LSE, or REALLY religious... or with a couple other girls on the side.

   A few weeks?  Are you kidding me?  If a guy can't hold out for a few weeks, then he's got way more issues than the OP should have to deal with.  

Hell, I can't hold out for a few weeks, and I'm not even a dude.

Original Post by hatamoto:

Original Post by dplatzer:

Original Post by kathygator:

 

It'll be a lot more useful than coming on here looking for support, or for people to say "He's just not that into you" or some other trite, uninformed guess 

MARRY ME !!!!

ETA: Sorry I don't have any advice for the OP. It's hard to know without knowing her and how she interacts on dates, or moreso, knowing the types of men she's going for. Hata's experiment might work, but it might also backfire if the guy she asks feels put on the spot. Do you perhaps have some platonic male friends you could ask for a perspective from?

i think kathy has a good point. he might have read that "oh cool have fun" as you kinda brushing him off. it's so hard to read peoples tone through text. like there is a huge difference between:

"ok cool have fun"

and

"ok cool, have fun! let me know if you want to hang out this weekend!"

i have a real life example of this actually. my boyfriend and i went on our first real date, to a celtics game, and had an amazing time. the next day he texted and said he wanted to see me again and asked if we could just hang and watch a movie.

i said yes, but then as the day wore on, the night before caught up to me, and i decided that as much as i'd liked him, i needed a night to sleep. i texted him and asked if we could postpone till a few nights later (i had plans the next night)

he responded "yeah, i guess." i remember thinking, "wtf? you GUESS?" i took it as him not caring either way, and was a bit put off. so after a while i called him and was like "you guess? well, don't make me twist your arm!"

he apologized like crazy and said that he was just bummed he wasn't gonna see me and meant "i guess" like, "i guess i can wait that long if i have to."

we're still together and better than ever three months later! my point is that something as simple as that at the beginning can put people off or make them afraid they are being rejected.

see? Texting is the debbil. :D

Original Post by coffincritter:

MARRY ME !!!!

Okay, but you should know I'm a terrible golddigger. I'll marry you, immediately divorce you and take half. You can keep the dog, I get the car, and joint custody of the kids.

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by dplatzer:

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by dplatzer:

I don't necessarily have sex with them, but there is definitely a sexual aspect to things.  The most recent one I've been on 5 dates with, and he slept over my apt last weekend, things seemed good (there was not sex, but...ahem use your imagination) and since then I've barely heard a word from him.  I got a "hey, whats up" text on Tuesday night, which I followed up by inviting him to my run group on Wednesday, followed up by "I have a company outing at the game (red sox). but I would like to." THATS IT.  seriously? out of nowhere.  whereas before he was setting up the next date at the end of the night, following up the next day. 

ughhhh.

 Seems like he gave a fairly reasonable response. What did you text back?

I said "oh cool have fun". and I haven't heard from him since.  This is just a completely typical scenario of it.

 Perhaps you simply gave up too soon.

1. It's texting - not an ideal form of communication at best.

2. The fact that he said 'I would like to' after his explanation leads me to believe he means it. You could have said - 'cool. have fun. lemme know if you want to do something later in the week.' then the ball's in his court, and if he doesn't hit it back, you know you're done.

Next time - maybe pursue a little further before giving up. Men don't have any idea how you feel or what you want unless you give them a hint, you know?

 

If you really are starting to worry about how you're presenting: do what Hata said.

I think I like this idea of testing, but I don't think any of the previous ones will work.  If/when things fail with the current dude I will maybe ask him.  I am scared to hear though! I really can't think of any real reason!